Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Anatomy 101

Anatomic form, fit and comfort on a bicycle is always a pressing concern, no matter what kind of a cyclist you are.  As a much more experienced rider once told me when I had just started cycling, "I don't care who you are, after about 65 miles in the saddle, shit starts to hurt."  Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong - it likely depends on the individual cyclists' Taintal Sensitivity Index (or TSI).

But a huge part of cycling marketing is geared toward optimizing taintal happiness.  Which is exactly why Dave Zabriskie is apparently "halfway to your anus."
Dave is no stranger to exploring the boundaries of taintal bliss as he is the well known creator, owner and chief spokesman for his chamois cream, DZNuts.  But now in partnership with Pearl Izumi's recently enhanced 4d chamois, Zabriski is taking his product straight to "Ur-anus."
I think at this point, some anatomical clarifications are in order.  The complete disregard for appropriate anatomical references that this new marketing ploy demonstrates comes as some concern to me since "ur-taint" is really quite different than "ur-anus".  Although they are close in physical distance, they are light years away in function.  Aside from burning after many miles on a bike saddle, "ur-taint" really has no modern-day uses and is simply the vestigial remnant of that part of the groinal region that our Homo erectus ancestors used to sit on their eggs, keeping them warm until they hatched (if you believe in evolution that is).
But "ur-anus" has an altogether different purpose and is still used today, by some, for purposes of passing solid wastes out of the body.  No one knows this better than Mark Cavendish who was just today quoted regarding the act of defectation.
Cavendish was speaking in response to his teammate, Andre Greipel's, criticism of his recent non-winning performance in Milan-San Remo.  But shitting is not the only function "ur-anus" is good for.  Some also use it for picking (especially when they are just standing around doing nothing).  However, Cavendish swears that all of his picking has been relegated to a different part of his body.

What Cavs should remember, however, is that although one may pick their nose, and also their butt, they cannot pick their teammates....and he and Greipel are stuck with one another......or maybe not?
The two will at least be separated in May as Cavs is slated to race at the Tour of California while Andre will be competing in the Giro d'Italia.  That is to say, they will be as separate as "ur-taint" and "ur-anus" are....one causes pain, the other a lot of noise and stench - both pretty undesirable.

1 comment:

  1. I am delighted that shit-talking is alive and well in cycling (given that LemonD, the greatest mouth in history, has moved out of cycling and into full-time, professional shit-talking). It's always good for a laugh at the end of the season to see if their relative shit stack[s|ed] up. I'm predicting a solid top-50 finish for the Cavs in this year's TdayF: in other words about 25:1 shit-to-results ratio.