Friday, May 28, 2010

Cycling in Missouri: Meet your Governor, meet your neighbor

It's Friday and the day before the Pedaler's Jamboree - a celebration of cycling in Missouri.  I should be posting the typical "Friday Mail" segment, but in light of the cycling festivities about to go down this weekend, I thought I would instead shed some light on the amazing cycling atmosphere that Missouri has become by highlighing a couple of news stories from the week. 

Here's what Cyclingnews is reporting on this morning in our state:

Chris Aronhalt, Managing Partner of Medalist Sports was quoted as saying, "Yes, we have pulled out of the effort.  Clearly the Governor is not supportive, which means the Tour will not be successful.  In our opinion the Tour will be canclled because you don't expect a change of heart from the Governor."

Thanks Governor Nixon.  Thank you for shutting down an event that established the following:
  • Direct economic impact of more than $80 million over three years
  • Attracted 1.5 million spectators
  • Resulted in $38 million tax revenue
  • Was telecasted to viewers in 173 countries
And thank you for shutting it down without having the decency to even meet with the organizers to discuss it after they requested repeatedly to talk about it with you.  Pure class.  By the way, what will now happen to the $1 million that was earmarked for the event and approved upon by the Missouri General Assembly?

And thanks to the reader who tipped me off on this story which appeared in the Columbia Daily Tribune on Tuesday, May 25th.

If you've not read the article, it essentially highlights some of the dangers that riding on Route K poses because of the increasing development and traffic and lack of shoulders.  Predictably, the article wasn't nearly as enlightening as the comments that followed it.  Here are some of the people that are behind the wheel of the car behind you.....

alpha5 says....
"I can tell you crazy bikers, if I run over you cause you do not have enough sense to not ride on these types of roads and you expect to get a dime out of me... then it will be a cold day in He** and don't hold your breath, cause while you are laying in a hospital in pain because you caused the crash, I will already have my attorney start the lawsuit againist you. I can tell one thing for sure, if comes to my life or safety over yours, YOU will lose and will not lose any sleep over it."

BoCoMo says..."I also feel bikes should be banned from two lane county roads that do not have a shoulder.
Simple, the needs of the many outweight the wants of a few.
Too dangerous, you'll not convince me that we need to "share" the roads, and the tax dollars to build those roads came from drivers, not peddlers."

NotApplicable says.....
"Only homicidal/suicidal idiots ride bikes on roads like Rte. K.

Eventually, one of you will manage to kill someone, all in order to demonstrate your 'rights.'
Hopefully, a long jail sentence will ensue.
Go find a safe road. Better yet, go ride on the trail."

Daryl_Licht says....
"Here's a thought - Let the bikers share the road and ride the non-shouldered roads. Let cars share traffic with bikes on the MKT. Give guns to everyone else and we'll all be happy!"

vsmurray says....
"Riding for transportation is a LOT different than what those Spandex clad booties are doing on Rt. O. I live close enough to work to ride my bike, but that means I would have to ride on Clark Lane. Hell no! I don't have a death wish. The only logical conclusion for me personally is that Mr. and Mrs. Spandex need to stick to safer roads and trails."
"I'm not so sure that bicyclists use these rural roads because they are scenic. There are many bike trails that are just as pretty to look at. They use them because they are hilly and good to train on. So, these bikers are putting everyone at risk to get a tight ass, firm thighs, and maybe win a race. I prefer to go to the gym for that, less stress. Oh, I do like to drive my car to Rockbridge and walk the trails out there, get all muddy and stuff. My kids like it too. Then I drive to the store, pick up some sugar and salt, and drive home to pig out. But I don't partake of tobacco. Yucky stuff. "

For some time, I've been contemplating the notion of this blog giving out awards for various acts to recognize their efforts in one area or another of cycling.....and I've actually been collecting names of potential recipients all along.  So today is a rather big day as I've got two individuals running neck and neck for the COMOCYCO Ass-Clown Award (or CA-CA).....Our two finalists?  Governor Nixon and Daryl_Licht......We took a vote here at COMOCYCO headquarters with the GEEC, intern Ricky, the COMOCYCO dog and me all casting our ballots and it was 3 in favor of the Governor winning the 2010 CA-CA award (the dog abstained...he's a forgiving soul).  So big congrats to our recipient!

At any rate, I hope everyone has fun at the Jamboree this weekend, or wherever your two wheels take you.....try to keep the rubber side down (ahem).  And if you are on the Jamboree ride, watch out for Daryl_Licht above who seems fairly committed to driving down the MKT with his car and guns.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Talking out my ass: parasites and non-decisions

Yesterday I wrote a commentary about a story run by Cyclingnews regarding the UCI and Pat McQuaid.  In this story I compared McQuaid's comment of the UCI taking a bribe as "just not possible" to something else seemingly impossible involving the ability (or lack thereof) to breathe through the terminal aspect of my digestive system.  To this, a very astute reader made a comment regarding my ass, and I quote;

Anonymous said...
"You've learned to talk through it, why should breathing be that difficult?"
May 25, 2010 3:32 PM

To which I can only reply, "good point."  Sometimes I talk out of my ass so much here, I even cringe myself.  It's true.  Occasionally, running this blog feels similar to the recurrent dream I have of being back in high school.  In the dream, I manage to get to school unscathed and go to my locker which happens to be right beside the locker of a blonde, amazonian female classmate named Beth Eckleberry who doesn't even know my name, despite the fact that we've gone to school together for 7 years.  As we both retrieve our books from our lockers, I sense that something is awry and I look down and realize I have no pants on.  Thus far, I've been lucky that in said dream, my bare ass has not started speaking....but perhaps I've left that for the pages here.  So whether air, formed words or flying monkeys spew forth from my posterior, my disclaimer remains the following:  I write as I ride a bicycle:  with little training and even less talent, typically with great consternation and occasionally offensively. 

Thus, many things can be said about what I expel from my ass....but at least not what poor Ben Day went through with his ass as recently reported by VeloNews:

As reported by Neal Rogers in a piece called "Ben Day's Unwanted Passenger" on May 1st regarding the Fly V Australian cyclist and his participation in the recent Tour of the Gila:
"Day's ambitions for Gila changed, however, last Saturday after he extraced a four-foot tapeworm from his anus while on the toilet.  Following the extrication, which he described as "an out of body experience," Day suffered vomiting and diarrhea for several days, nearly knocking him out of Gila altogether...."
"I had a dangler," Day said.
At the time this photo was taken, after he had won the overall at the Redlands Classic, his little buddy was on board and flying co-pilot.

And speaking of unsavory things....If you've not been keeping up with what the good, good people at the Missouri Bicycle and Pedestrian Federation are trying to do to preserve the Tour of Missouri, please go read about it here.  According to Brent Hugh (Vice-Chair of the Tour of Missouri and Executive Director of the Missouri BIcycle & Pedestrian Federation), despite the specific appropriation for the Tour of Missouri passing both chambers of the Missouri General Assembly, the Tourism Commission is making a "non-decision decision" to withhold funding for the event.  Hugh and Mike Weiss (Chair of the Tour of Missouri) have formally requested a meeting with Governor Nixon or a staff member but to date, the Governor has dodged their every attempt to speak about the topic with them.  So despite the recommendations of the Missouri General Assembly and over 3500 constituents contacting Governor Nixon's office regarding the Tour of Missouri, he is refusing to speak to the organizers......
2008: Then Attorney General Jay Nixon recieving an award at Bicycle Day.

The Governor works for us.  He is a public servant.  And yet, he appears to be ignoring us.  If you want to see the Tour return, or at the very least, feel as though the Governor should have a meeting with the Tour's organizers to answer for his decisions (or non-decisions as the case may be) let him know here.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Plausibility: One man's bribe is another man's gift

First things first today....congratulations are in order for all those that competed in the State Road Race  in Ste. Genevieve this past weekend.  With the heat and humidity that descended upon Missouri, this race must have been miserable.  Here's how some of our local kids did:

Men's Pro 1,2:
Dave Henderson - 6th place out of 31 that started.

Women's 1/2/3:
Pam Hinton - 2nd place

Men's 4/5:
Colin Mayhan - 5th place out of 65 that started.

Juniors 10-14:
Judah Bennett - 2nd place
Micah Bennett - 3rd place

Juniors 15-18:
Gideon Benett - 1st place
Jack Kohler - 3rd place

Next up...The Pedaler's Jamboree is this Saturday and Sunday.  If you've not yet registered, do not despair!  You can register onsite Saturday morning for $35.

Onto other things now.  In my continuing battle with Mediacom, I have refused to subscribe to the Versus channel (which I used to get for free before it was unceremoniously yanked from my channel line-up conveniently prior to Paris-Roubaix) and thus ended up watching the conclusion of the Tour of California online on my laptop over the weekend.  During which, I was surprised to hear that Floyd Landis actually made an appearance at the Tour on Saturday to visit the OUCH VIP tent.  According to one story, he faced some hecklers who shouted "Floyd you suck!" in obvious repsonse to his allegations that Lance Armstrong and others doped and may have blackmailed the anti-doping authorities.  Interestingly, in today's cycling news, UCI (Union Cycliste Internationale) President Pat McQuaid acknowledged that the organization did, in fact, accept a $100,000 "donation" from Lance Armstrong in 2002 and further commented that accepting such a donation (the first and only such donation a rider has ever made to the organization) was regrettable since Armstrong was still racing at the time the "donation" was made.  Ever heard of something called "conflict of interest?"

Of course, shortly before Landis was accused of being mentally unstable by Johan Bruyneel and Lance Armstrong, he claimed that the two had bribed the UCI to cover up a positive EPO test.  McQuaid responded to this claim during ths same press conference in which he acknolwedged that the acceptance of the "donation" was unwise:

"There is no way that the UCI or it's former president...could have accepted a bribe.  It's just not possible."

"Just not possible?"...hmmmmm.....Let's create a scale of plausibility.  A 10 on the scale would be represented by things truly not possible, say like me learning how to breathe through my anus.  And a 1 on the scale would be represented by things potentially very possible, no matter how undesirable they may be, say like Sarah Palin remaining politically active. 

Based on this, I'd have to say that the $100,000 the UCI deposited from Mr. Armstrong being bribe-like equals the plausibility and distastefullness of Sarah not going away anytime soon.....yeah...this shit is happening.....

Friday, May 21, 2010

Friday Mail

Friday is here again and is supposed to be bringing with it some sunshine and hot weather for the weekend and the 2010 Missouri State Championship Road Race on Sunday, May 23rd in St. Genevieve.  And, you've got one more week to prepare for the Pedaler's Jamboree weekend bicycle and music festival which begins next weekend.  Everyone keep thinking happy thoughts for good weather so that the campground in Booneville will be dried out by next Saturday night...otherwise, we're all going to have swamp-ass come Sunday morning for a long ride home.

And after a drama-filled week in pro racing, I think we are most certainly ready for some Friday mail!

Dear PooBah-
I was really excited to see 'Pippo' Pozzato take a stage win in the Giro yesteday.  As you know, Pozzato is very religious and also very tattooed and even has the words "Only God Can Judge Me" written across his back.
I've noticed that relgious-themed tattoos are not uncommon in the peloton.  But I'm curious - do you have a favorite?
Michael S.

Well.....rumor has it that the Tour de France devil (Dedi Senft) has a rather un-holy tattoo himself....I cannot confirm that this is it, but an inverted cross made out of strips of bacon over his ass-crack wouldn't be that far of a stretch - eh?

Dear PooBah,
I hear that the current bearer of the Maglia Rosa in the Giro, Saxo Bank's Richie Porte, actually has a cranium that is 60% larger than the average human head.  Do you think this is even possible?
Albert G.

Dear Albert,
It would certainly explain something I witnessed at the jersey ceremony yesterday...I just hope they allowed his mom to have a C-section when he was born.

Dear PooBah,
I just built myself a seatless fixie as a training bike to increase my leg strength.  But going downhill is a little risky....especially when I try to maintain an aero position that will also protect me against the risk of 'endo-ing.'  Can you take a look at my position on the bike and tell me if you think this will work?
Thanks so much
Charles D.

Three words, dude....imminent scrote burn.....
I also see that you're not wearing a this the reason?

Dear PooBah,
The 2012 Summer Olympics are just around the corner in my home town of London!  I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it.  With the new emergence of so many British cycling phenoms (like Cavendish) to hit the scene, I think we really have a chance to clean up on our own home turf.  What do you think?
Alistair G.

I've been trying to keep up with the forthcoming Olympic news, and honestly couldn't agree more with your predictions of the UK cycling squad's chances.  After all, the recently unveiled mascots for the Britain-based games are giant one-eyed monsters....which fit perfectly with Cav's persona.

Dear PooBah,
I just got myself a Surly Cross Check to try cyclocross this season.  I've been practicing my mounts and dismounts, but am damn sore in the groinal region.  Do you have any advice?
Jasper K.

I'm definitely not the right man to be asking - since I too will be a complete cross newb this year. But right off the bat, I might suggest trying some shorts that were NOT part of your 7th grade basketball team's uniform from 1984.

Dear PooBah,
I recently took a bad spill on my mountain bike and scraped up my hip a little bit. But my tush really took the brunt of the fall.  I took a bunch of photos of the damage and am enclosing one for your review....Do you think these will leave scars?
Laura C.

Hmmmm.  Tough to say.  I know the other pictures may be pretty gruesome to see - but you better send them to me so I can make a better assessment.

Have a great weekend everyone.  Ride safe.


Thursday, May 20, 2010


Ok - so what so we do NOW?

I don't know how I feel about the steaming pile that was laid upon the world of cycling news this morning.  I almost entitled yesterday's post, "A Great Day for American Cycling" with the recent exciting victories of Farrar and Zabriskie....but with the implications Landis has made regarding many American cyclists still racing today (literally) like Armstrong, Hincapie, Leipheimer, Zabriskie and Barry, American cycling may only be as great as what....European cycling?  I mean - no one was that shocked when Vino or Basso were implicated.  Why did we (meaning I) think we (meaning Americans) were above this?  Maybe we (meaning I) didn't really think we were, but rather just really hoped it.  Too much. 

I can't help it.  I've always routed for sports figures.  Athletics has always been too important a part of my life not to get emotionally charged by someone competing.  Back in the day, it was this guy.
He was my hero when I was a kid.  He may have also been the last "clean" athlete I ever rooted for, whatever "clean" really means.  And even as "clean" as Dr. J was, he still tried to choke the shit out of Larry Bird once.
Another famous basketball player named Charles Barkley probably put it best when he was reprimanded for spitting on a fan who was shouting obscenities at him and responded by proclaiming, "I am not a role model."  But it's fans like me who elevate athletes to this watching them, cheering for them, and ultimately very nearly deifying them because of what?  Because they can run faster, or shoot a ball better, or turn the pedals over harder than somebody else?  It seems kind of silly when I think of it like that, but consider me guilty as charged.  Floyd Landis hasn't necessarily let me down today; I think I let myself down by not having better discretion as to whom I choose to look up to.

And whenever I look up to somebody too highly because they appear to be so superior, I find myself at risk for getting let down when I realize that they fail and screw up just like anybody else.  I'm reminded of Dave Stoller in the movie Breaking Away.
For those few who haven't seen it, Dave emulates the Italian Cinzano Cycling team with such fervor, that he actually wishes to be Italian.  When he finds himself in a race alongside his heroes, and then subsequently in a breakaway group with the very cyclists whose images adorn his bedroom walls in poster format, one of the Italians jams his pump into Dave's spokes, causing him to crash out the race and trash his bike.  When Dave makes it home, tail tucked hard between his legs, his father asks him what is wrong.  He tells his dad, "Everybody cheats......I just didn't know."  And his dad replies, "Now you know."

The fallout from the Landis implications has only just begun and I'm guessing the press conference following today's stage at the Tour of California will be an interesting one.  I think I'll skip it and just go for a ride. 

If you've already had enough of this story, then let me direct you to another far more inspirational one appearing today in VOX about a local cyclist who IS in fact someone you can look up to.  Read it.

And then, if you've never visited Lieutenant Dan's blog, do so immediately.  It's right here.  But be warned, you might find yourself three new heroes: Dan, Maggie and Cassidy.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A day for Garmin, cleavage, and intra-peloton homoeroticism

I cannot resist talking about yesterday's winners of stages in both the Giro and the Tour of Cali.  By now, everyone interested knows that they were both Garmin riders, and both Americans:  Tyler Farrar and Dave Zabriskie.  Whereas Farrar's convincing finish has proven who the sprinting strongman is in this year's Giro, the real accomplishment of the day was from his lead out man, Julian Dean who navigated the dicey corners and narrow streets in expert fashion.
Between Vino and Cadel contesting some of the recent sprint finishes alongside the more conventional fast men, and now Farrar considering remaining in the Giro for its duration to try to keep the red points jersey, this year's installment of Italy's grand tour is proving to be a return to some truly classic road racing.

And here in the states, I could not help but cheer on DZ in winning the stage from San Francisco into Santa Cruz.  Luckily, I watched the end of this stage online....because word is that Versus cut away from coverage with 1.5 km left to go.  Nice.  Despite almost blowing it at the line with what first appeared to be a premature fist pump and ended up as some weird outstretched tiger claw gesture, The Nuts-man edged out Mick Rogers by the slimmest of margins proving that the time trial champion also knows how to win a stage the old fashion way which I don't think he's done since stage 11 of the 2004 Vuelta a Espana.
How did Garmin director Vaughters respond on Twitter?

What surprised me most regarding the stage was how Andy Schleck faded badly on the Bonny Doon climb, not only being dropped by the Leipheimer/Rogers/Zabriskie attack, but also by the Armstrong/Hesjedal chase group.  Some suspected that Schleck would be the one to most hotly contest the climb leading into Santa Cruz and be the individual to give Levi the hardest competition.  I decided to nose about the internet a bit to try to ascertain if anything happened that may have affected the Saxo Bank climber's performance....and what I found was a photo taken moments before the start of the stage that is quite revealing in more ways than one.
This photo requires some closer inspection....Note how Schleck and teammate Jacob Fugslang are notably distracted by a fan in the moments before the start of the stage whilst Zabriskie is seen maintaing focus and riding right on by.....could this have made the difference?  Hmmmmmmm

At the end of the stage, DZ sat exhausted on the winner's podium for his post-race interview, while Mark Cavendish chose that very moment to strike a school-girl pose and bat his lashes at Thomas Rabou who inexplicably began to suddenly shit his chamois.
I don't know how this race could get any more entertaining - but I cannot wait to find out.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Staying Dry, Getting Wet

Finally today in COMO, we have been blessed with a brief respite from the rain.
And it is about time too, since I'm pretty sure the inserts of my Sidi's are starting to grow some kind of a funk.  Some people don't mind riding in foul weather, and for some it seems to inspire deeper levels of grit and determination.  For anyone following the Giro or the Tour of California, you know that the rain has been coming down there every bit as hard.  It really affected the team time trial in Italy last week, but did produce some rather epic photos:
And the wet conditions have shredded United Healthcare's Karl Menzies in the Tour of California who has crashed on consecutive days in the slippery conditions.  This was especially heartbreaking in yesteday's stage as he was able to be part of a breakaway effort, first over the final Trinity climb and descending into Santa Rosa for the stage win when he slid out with only 800 meters to go as the 25 man chase group rode by.

But the rain has even turned the most tenacious and fierce riders a little soft lately.....take Vino in the Giro d'Italia the other day who ended up looking a lot like the creepy albino banjo player from the movie Deliverance on his way to Montalcino on the strada bianchi.

But like here in COMO, better weather is promised for both the Giro and the Tour of California, so hopefully we can all dry out a bit.....unless of course you are either 1) a woman in Los Angeles who is particularly prone to the erogenous effects that Trek Fixies can induce:

FIXY TREK (.....)

or 2) a spectator in the front row of the Giro d'Italia after stage 1 when Wiggo decided to bust his champagne in a particularly lascivious fashion...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Road Enthusiast Associated Douchism: Is there a cure?

Before we begin today, apologies are in order regarding my reporting of registration for the Hellbender Crit and Road Race this past weekend.  Thanks to a couple of readers, I was informed that although regular registration closed on the 10th, same day registration was permitted.  I heard rumors that the Crit was cancelled, and am not sure about the road race yet, but if you missed it because of me, I hope you curled up on the couch in your Snuggie and watched some cyclists shlepping through the mud and rain instead of doing it yourself. 

I have to admit to being a road cycling 'enthusiast'.  Which, in my opinion, is a rather derogatory term to refer to a cyclist who possesses much enthusiasm about the sport, has just enough money to purchase decent equipment, and yet has very little talent.  In this way, the level of enthusiast status can be measured by the following formula: 

where E = enthusiasm, M = money, and C = cluelessness....which is squared, (very important to note)

Mosts enthusiasts, have the financial means to discriminate between varying levels of component quality, although ironically, little of it ultimately affects performance.  For example, for me to purchase new DuraAce pedals instead of Ultegra to spare several grams of weight, is like Rush Limbaugh ordering a diet Coke with his two Big Macs and supersized fries because he's on a diet. 

That said, I was faced with this same decision making conundrum last week when considering the purchase of a new saddle.  As indicated in haiku fashion on Friday, my Specialized Toupe and I have been having a rather troubled relationship lately with the former perfecting the art of irritating the hell out of my nether region.  Thus, I swung by the bike shop to pick up the new Specialized Romin based on this review I read in Bicycling (the cycling enthusiast's magazine of choice):

According to the review, Specialized consulted with two "crack consultants" when designing the new Romin.  Although my old saddle wasn't irritating my "crack" as much as the region precisely in front of my crack, I still thought the expertise of crack consultants wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing when having a saddle designed.  At any rate, I noted that I had two choices with the Romin....the basic model with Chromoly rails, or the Romin SL with titanium.  The difference between the two was roughly 25 grams and $40.  With no SLs in stock, I had to go with the Chromoly and have to say that after 100+ miles on the Romin, I am quite pleased.  Having reviewed my experience with the Toupe in haiku format Friday, I decided to do the same for the Romin today:
Specialized Romin
Firm, yet supportive are you
Turtle is grateful

Despite being happy with the comfort of the new saddle, the enthusiast in me still wondered what the additional 25 grams I would be carrying with the Chromoly rails would mean for my performance.  Lucky for me, with my viewing of the Giro d'Italia all weekend on Universal Sports, I saw a commercial repeated numerous times for a product that could prove to be extrememly helpful not only in my attempt to offset the extra weight of Chromoly saddle rails, but also my condition of Road Enthusiast Associated Douchism:

This incredibly informative ad starts by outlining the dangers of not defecating  frequently enough:

And while this is all fine and good, the commercial didn't really grab my attention until they showed a chart demonstrating the association between body weight and defecation frequency (or lack thereof).

Thus, according to this data, each time you deny yourself a bowel movement, you are nearly packing the equivalent of a 5 pound sledgehammer in your colon.....not literally, of course, unless you are in to that kind of thing (not that there is anything wrong with that)....just metaphorically.  And if you don't pinch off a loaf for three days - you could be stowing away the equivalent mass of a large human head up your, I can only imagine that this would make you very, very grumpy.  This explains a lot considering some of the people I work with who both have their heads up their asses and are quite grumpy.  Next, the commercial highlighted some of the active ingredients of the all-natural Colon Flow.

It's the last ingredient that must work all the magic....."The Slippery Elm."  I'm sure psyllium seeds, husks, apples and ginger don't hurt in lubing up the works as well, but there is just something about slippery elm which makes me think that after a couple of days of popping these babies, you will be shitting like a goose.

This is obviously great news for me.  No longer do I have to worry about spending a lot of money to purchase lighter components.  Considering 4.5 pounds is approximately 2,045 grams, for the small cost of some processed slippery elm and the time it takes to visit the bathroom 12 to 15 times a day, I can achieve the equivalent weight reduction advantages of pimping my ride with the lightest carbon and titanium components money can buy!  Thus, I contend, that for 98% of roadie enthusiasts, the incentive to spend forty extra dollars to buy the saddle with titanium rails versus Chromoly to conserve 25 grams is a rather douchetastic sentiment when simply taking a big one can do the trick.

But as race season gets into full swing now with both the Giro d'Italia and the Tour of California occuring simultaneously, douchism amongst the average road cycling enthusiast ramps up to a fervor akin to a schoolchild getting hopped up on Christmas candy late in the month of December.  Take the individual in this video who witnesses Tom Boonen crashing during the end of the first stage of the Tour of California yesterday and what he does with his bicycle at the 0:50 mark while Boonen lies dazed upon the pavement, not 20 feet away.

Tour of California 2010, Stage One, Sacramento crash w/ George Hincapie, Tom Boonen plus others from nckmllr on Vimeo.

Yes, big boy, you are holding Tom Boonen's bike and had the moment captured on film.  Congratulations.  Now maybe let's make sure the Belgian sprint champion doesn't have CSF fluid leaking out of his ears - what do you say?  This guy definitely is packing 13.5 pounds of extra weight judging by how far up his ass his own head is.....I just hope he saw the same Colon Flow commercial I did.  Honestly, I think Colon Flow could end up being the antidote to many clinical signs associated with road enthusiast associated douchism.  I've already ordered my free 30 day supply - so I'll let you know in a month.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday Mail and Weekend Update

Friday is here at last, and despite the lingering effects of some wicked jet lag, I think I'm finally busting the cobwebs out of my head.  It didn't hurt that while I was macking on my Count Chocula this morning, the song "Everybody's Working For the Weekend" came on the radio.....yeaaaahhhh - that's the way to start a Friday....the Count and Loverboy.....Damn, life can be so sweet sometimes.
But I digress.  There is a lot going on this weekend - so head's up.

Saturday the 15th:
Local news - The Hellbender crit is happening in Fort Leonard Wood, MO on Saturday.  If you wanted to race, but didn't register already, you are SOL....registration was due on the 10th.  This is also the last day you get the discounted registration rate for the upcoming Pedaler's Jamboree as well.  The Jamboree goes down on the 29th and 30th and is not to be missed.  We'll have more about this later.

Not so local news - Stage 7 of the Giro d'Italia: Carrara-Montalcino 222km.  Here's how Cyclingnews describes this one:

"Today's route has real spice.  It pays tribute to Tuscany's own Gino Bartali on the tenth anniversary of his death by including sections on many of his favourite training roads around his home in Ponte a Ema, close to Florence.  It starts straightforwardly enough but becomes trickier as it passes through Volterra, a World Heritage site that's one of the region's most stunning hill-top towns....."

Check it out on Universal Sports.

Sunday the 16th:
Local news: Rhett's Run MTB race in Cosmo Park here in COMO.  The next installment of the 2010 Midwest Fat Tire Point Series.  The chance of spotty rain could make this one a bit sketchy...definitely worth checking out...And the Hellbender Road Race is today as well.

Not so local news:
Giro d'Italia - Stage 8: Chianciano - Monte Terminillo.  The road finally turns seriously upward in the Giro with the first summit finish on the Terminillo.  Head's up about 7km from the finish where the gradient kicks it up a notch as the race pays another homage to Bartali who won here in 1937.
Tour of California - The kickoff this year is not a prlogue time trial, but rather a flat stage from Nevada City to Sacramento, 167.8 km.  Look out for Cavendouche to try to take the day and make an early statement.

And with that - I bring you a few letters from the mailbag.

Dear PooBah-
Glad you're back.  I was getting concerned.  I was going to start listening to the police scanner, but then I remembered I don't own one.

Thanks for the concern.  You never can be too to my knowledge, the one-armed-man is still lurking about somewhere in COMO.

Dear PooBah-
Have you heard about the Bicycle Haiku Contest being held by the Sierra Club?  The winner wins an incredibly ugly bicycle.  The website has all the details.  Are you going to enter?  Remember the rules...5 syllables, 7, then 5.
Shirley G.

Already have.  Here was my entry, which is an ode to my bike saddle.  Hope I win!!

My Specialized Toupe
Most intense, searing taint pain
Oh, frightened turtle

Dear PooBah
I remember many months ago when you wrote a piece on selecting a decent bike saddle and suggested that for men, someone should design an equivalent to the Scottish chair for kilt wearers, seen below.
Has anyone taken your advice and come up with anything yet?  Inquiring minds want to know!
Connor M.

Actually, someone has applied for a patent for a bike saddle with an adjustable testicular receptacle that can be adjusted to the specific riders genitalic girth. (Note cavity labelled #64).

I realize that there is only a single depression in this saddle, in contrast to the double cavity seen in the Scottish chair in the aforementioned photo.  But perhaps being of obvious Highlander descent, you can ascribe to the Lance Armstrong philosphy of testicular management on a bike saddle, "There can be only one."

Dear PooBah
I know that you have a certain interest in tattoos, so I couldn't help but send you a picture of the new one I got last week.  What do you think?
John P.

Wow - it's almost like you have your very own virtual topless women at your constant disposal to grope all day long.....except that it's actually your own nipple......and with your tattooed companion's second one, that actually gives you three.....which, if you didn't know, is a condition called polythelia, or "the triple nipple."  The only problem is, her second one (your third) is only ink.  Why not cover it up with one of these and have a little more fun?

Have a great weekend everyone -