Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Apologies: Requested, confusing and inadequate.

This morning, the Associated Press is reporting that Lance Armstrong's horde of attorneys has formally asked "60 Minutes" for an on-air apology via a letter sent to CBS News Chairman and executive producer, Jeff Fager.  It reads, in part:

"In the cold light of morning your story was either extraodinarily shoddy, to the point of being reckless and unprofessional, or a vicious hit-and-run job.  In either case, a categorical on-air apology is required........What is particularly disturbing is that '60 Minutes' had access to the true facts, could easily have verified them, and apparently chose instead to broadcast untruths and then layer innuendo on top of the falsehoods."

#1) How do LA's attorneys know that the morning after the "60 minutes" broadcast was cold?  It certainly wasn't cold everywhere - maybe only in Austin, TX.  Maybe, in fact if you watched it in Boca Raton, Florida, the morning after was actually warm and breezy?  But that doesn't sound as good...."In the warm and breezy light of morning, your story....blah blah blah...."  Anyway - I'm just saying it might not have been cold where you live.  Hell, it might not have even been morning - like if you watched it in Thailand or something - in which case the EVENING after the broadcast would most certainly have been dark and sticky.  Points to ponder.

#2) LA's attorneys give two possibilities for the story:  It was EITHER a) "extraordinarily shoddy" or b) "a hit-and-run job."  The former possibility suggests that the claims could have just been ordinarily shoddy - but, in fact, that the supposed shoddiness of these specific claims was "extraordinary" in nature.  But this begs the question of how one distinguishes between something that is 'ordinarily' shoddy and 'extraordinarily' shoddy? 
Oh wait - I get it now....

The second possibility was that it was a "hit-and-run job" which really had me concerned - because I like "60 Minutes" and would hate for it not to be on anymore.  So I've checked the local listings, and sure enough - "60 Minutes" has not gone away and will be on again this Sunday. (Thank goodness - because I just don't like thinking about having to go a week without Andy Rooney bitching about shoes or eyeglasses or fast food or something....he's so cute.)

What if Andy apologized for his eyebrows.  Would that make Lance happy?

#3) How exactly would Team Lance like "60 Minutes" to word their apology?  In other words - what are they supposed to apologize for?  Something like, "We, "60 Minutes" apologize for televising Tyler Hamilton confess to doping and telling the world what he saw."   By the way, has Team Lance bothered to ask themselves why Hamilton would be lying NOW about this?  Lying NOW about this to the Grand Jury means jail time....I suppose all that time in jail would give him the peace and quiet to write that book.

#4) What is Team Lance going to do if "60 Minutes" decides NOT to apologize?  I mean, one time, back when I was a little kid, I bit my sister in the armpit and my mother told me to apologize to her.  But I knew that there would be ramifications if I blew it off.  If I didn't apologize, then I would probably get knocked around a little bit and then not get to stay up to watch Fantasy, by God, I apologized! 

I wasn't a big Tattoo fan - but I dug me some Fantasy Island women!

And while we're on the topic of absurd lookes like Riccardo Ricco will be racing again shortly. 

Despite having almost died from an auto-transfusion of blood which fried his kidneys and got him kicked off the Vacansoleil team, he's been signed by Team Meridian-Kamen and is on the roster to be racing at the Tour of Serbia on June 13.  Rumor had it he would actually make a come back with Team Amore e Vita whose kit he was seen in last week - but team director Fanini gave him 5 conditions upon which his acceptance to the squad relied (and no - I'm not making this up - Google translate and read it here.)
  1. Remove the two earrings and the diamond embedded in your tooth
  2. Fire your trainer and your lawyer
  3. Don't have any syringe in your possessions, unless we approve it
  4. Move in with your partner and your son and live no more than few miles from team headquarters so we can test you any time we feel like it.
  5. Confess all you know to the authorities about currently active doping systems.
I wonder which of the 5 conditions he couldn't live up to?  I'm guessing it was the tooth diamond.  I wouldn't have given that up either...