Monday, February 1, 2010

Teeth!

As I made my way into work this morning, I still felt hungover from the proceedings of last night.  Maybe I wasn't yet warmed up from the deep hypothermia that set in during yesterday's ride, or it might have been the two plates of lemon-cheese pasta I ate last night, or the half-gallon of Breyer's chocolate crackle ice cream I consumed after that, or when the GEEC and I were channel surfing last evening and we stumbled upon some talentless horror movie on TV that freaked the shit out of us both...
At any rate, the weekend was an eventful one for cycling....

Alberto Contador and Team Astana had their official coming out party in Vienna, Austria on Saturday.  We may be seeing a new kinder, gentler AC these days as he stated openly that he doesn't like to think of himself as the Tour favorite this year.  And beyond that, the Spaniard has decided to replace his classic and self-promotional "fingerbang" victory salute with the iconic Fonzie "Heyyyyy!" gesture which he shares with his posse like congregation members of the Church of the Fonz.
When asked about the old "fingerbang", Contador has declared that his extended index finger will be relegated only for picking purposes when the need arises (boogers, wedgies and ear wax buildup).
Astana competed this weekend in the first French race of the season, the Gran Prix la Marseillaise.  Strangely absent in early season racing has been Mark Cavendish however, of HTC-Columbia.  Last week reports indicated that Cavs would have to delay his 2010 season because of ongoing dental problems, and thus will not race until the Ruta del Sol on Feb 17.
Perhaps the Manx Missile could take some lessons in dental care from local cattle rancher Steve Schmidt who became the teeth-lifting champion of the world this weekend here in COMO and made the Guinness Book of World Records by lifting a 220.5 pound weight with his teeth 50 times over the span of a minute.
(photo courtesy of the Columbia Tribune by Nick King)

Despite his wife saying that Mr. Schmidt's teeth are a "God-given gift", (because tooth-lifting sounds like a pursuit any God would be proud to promote) Steve attributes his dental health to brushing with coconut oil.  My own theory of his dental good-fortune is that he's simply not British.
But if the Manx Missile's teeth are wishing they weren't British, there were a whole lot of Oregonians pretending they were British this weekend.  In sharp contrast to its long standing practice of naked cycling, Portland hosted its very first Tweed Ride Saturday.  I can only imagine that the act of donning clothes, let alone heavy woolen fabric, whilst cycling was a concept as foreign to the Portland residents as the chap featured in the event's posters saying "No dessert for me, please!"
But by all accounts, the ride seems like it was a great success.  Awards were given out after the ride which included:  Most Convincing BBC Character, Most Likely to Murder in an Agatha Christie Novel, The Best Red-Breasted Boobies, Miss Tweed Gorgeous, Most Colorful Argyle Socks, and lastly, the Longest Pipe Award...which at first mention had me wondering if the rather flamboyant male host (seen here)....
was using a euphemism to hit on another tweeded male cyclist (not that there is anything wrong with that)...but in fact was actually and truthfully referring to Kenneth's very long pipe.
No mention of the Most British Dentition Award was made among the twaddle of tweeders.....But rumor has it, they did bust out and sing a rendition of 'Teeth' by the aforementioned Lady Gaga in honor of last night's Grammy's.....the most meaningful lyrics of which are...
 
"Take a bite of my bad girl meat
Take a bit of me, boy
Show me your teeth
The truth is sexy."
 
I'm guessing Cav's girlfriend doesn't sing this to him much......
 
Pedal on!

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