Teeth!

As I made my way into work this morning, I still felt hungover from the proceedings of last night.  Maybe I wasn't yet warmed up from the deep hypothermia that set in during yesterday's ride, or it might have been the two plates of lemon-cheese pasta I ate last night, or the half-gallon of Breyer's chocolate crackle ice cream I consumed after that, or when the GEEC and I were channel surfing last evening and we stumbled upon some talentless horror movie on TV that freaked the shit out of us both...

At any rate, the weekend was an eventful one for cycling....

Alberto Contador and Team Astana had their official coming out party in Vienna, Austria on Saturday.  We may be seeing a new kinder, gentler AC these days as he stated openly that he doesn't like to think of himself as the Tour favorite this year.  And beyond that, the Spaniard has decided to replace his classic and self-promotional "fingerbang" victory salute with the iconic Fonzie "Heyyyyy!" gesture which he shares with his posse like congregation members of the Church of the Fonz.

When asked about the old "fingerbang", Contador has declared that his extended index finger will be relegated only for picking purposes when the need arises (boogers, wedgies and ear wax buildup).

Astana competed this weekend in the first French race of the season, the Gran Prix la Marseillaise.  Strangely absent in early season racing has been Mark Cavendish however, of HTC-Columbia.  Last week reports indicated that Cavs would have to delay his 2010 season because of ongoing dental problems, and thus will not race until the Ruta del Sol on Feb 17.

Perhaps the Manx Missile could take some lessons in dental care from local cattle rancher Steve Schmidt who became the teeth-lifting champion of the world this weekend here in COMO and made the Guinness Book of World Records by lifting a 220.5 pound weight with his teeth 50 times over the span of a minute.

(photo courtesy of the Columbia Tribune by Nick King)

Despite his wife saying that Mr. Schmidt's teeth are a "God-given gift", (because tooth-lifting sounds like a pursuit any God would be proud to promote) Steve attributes his dental health to brushing with coconut oil.  My own theory of his dental good-fortune is that he's simply not British.

But if the Manx Missile's teeth are wishing they weren't British, there were a whole lot of Oregonians pretending they were British this weekend.  In sharp contrast to its long standing practice of naked cycling, Portland hosted its very first Tweed Ride Saturday.  I can only imagine that the act of donning clothes, let alone heavy woolen fabric, whilst cycling was a concept as foreign to the Portland residents as the chap featured in the event's posters saying "No dessert for me, please!"

But by all accounts, the ride seems like it was a great success.  Awards were given out after the ride which included:  Most Convincing BBC Character, Most Likely to Murder in an Agatha Christie Novel, The Best Red-Breasted Boobies, Miss Tweed Gorgeous, Most Colorful Argyle Socks, and lastly, the Longest Pipe Award...which at first mention had me wondering if the rather flamboyant male host (seen here)....

was using a euphemism to hit on another tweeded male cyclist (not that there is anything wrong with that)...but in fact was actually and truthfully referring to Kenneth's very long pipe.

No mention of the Most British Dentition Award was made among the twaddle of tweeders.....But rumor has it, they did bust out and sing a rendition of 'Teeth' by the aforementioned Lady Gaga in honor of last night's Grammy's.....the most meaningful lyrics of which are...

 

"Take a bite of my bad girl meat

Take a bit of me, boy

Show me your teeth

The truth is sexy."

 

I'm guessing Cav's girlfriend doesn't sing this to him much......

 

Pedal on!

Throw Downs Near and Far: Cyclocross and the Hotties vs. the Hasids

Despite, or maybe because of, the shortened, darker days of winter, the cycling world is seeing some epic throw-downs both near and far.  Firstly, the near.  This past Sunday saw the 2009 Missouri State Cyclocross State Championships in Hermann, MO.  It was a cold, overcast day with plenty of  mud, but the course was reportedly incredibly well-designed by Pro12 racer Jeff Yielding to be fast and fun.  Here are the winners of the various categories as reported by the official State Championship Blog.

PRO12 - Josh Johnson
Cat 3 - Dan Miller
30+ - Matt La Berta
35+ - Paul Quindry
40+ - Chris Heirre
45+ - Andy Lucas
50+ - Richard George
Women 123 - Carrie Cash-Wotten
Men 4 - Rock Wamsley
Women 4 - Stephanie Mcreary
Jr Men - Aaron Stull
Jr Women - Karen Brocket
Single Speed - Christopher Connolly

And in case you've always wondered what it's like to race in the Missouri State Cyclocross Championships in fast-motion, you can watch it here, courtesy of BubbaCXRacer on YouTube.

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And next the far: An entirely different kind of throwdown is occuring in South Williamsburg, Brooklyn which is home to not only an old enclave of Hasidic Jews, but also the leading eastcoast manufacturer of hipsters.  It is here in Williamsburg where leaders of the Hasidic Jewish community have recently had bike lanes removed because the cyclists using the lanes posed "safety and religious hazards" to members of the resident Jewish enclave.  The religious hazards have apparently come in the form of women riding in shorts and short skirts, which are against the dress codes of the Hasids.  Religious laws not only forbid the Hasids to dress as such, but also to "stare at members of the opposite sex in various states of undress" according to the NewYork Post.

In order to keep Hasid eyes off of women, community leaders have successfully and legally had the white lines removed from the pavement.  In the ensuing battle that has been named the "Hasids vs. Hotties", a group of hipster insurgents is attempting to take back the streets through repainting the lines and associated lane demarcations in the middle of the night.



Not to be outdone by the paint-wielding hipster bike brigade, the Hasids have sent in their neighborhood watch group called the Shomrim Patrol to catch the hipsters in the act.

But things have only escalated as an alleged hipster named Ben recently commented on Williamsboard (a "Williamsburg hipster messageboard for arguing"), "i rode bedford [Avenue] this morning and kind of loled at the new bike lane markers.  then some jackoff yelled at me in hebrew and did a fake-out move, like he was going to shove me off my bike."  I'm still trying to figure out what 'loled' means but have to admit that if I had been 'loled' at, I might want to try to yell in Hebrew and bust out my best fake-out move too.  But the only Hebrew word i know is 'Shalom', which might not work with a threatening kung-fu-like fake out move.  Anyway, in case you are interested in picking up some tips and techniques in becoming a better hipster, the Williamsboard hipster messaging forum is a really neato-keen site chock full of photographs that hipsters post of themselves partaking in ironical activites like this.

Eating out at quaint establishments.

Getting their collective groove on.

Conversing at social gatherings.

Let's hope the Hasid's and Hipsters can feel the pull of brotherly love this holiday season and resolve their differences soon.  Maybe the female hipster cyclists riding down Bedford Avenue could try to embrace the recent ironical Tweed cycling craze?  No one wants to stare at that....

Pedal on!