Valentine's Day: balls, brows and chickens....

A couple of days after Valentine's Day, and I feel I've been remiss for not even mentioning that most special of days here.  Of course, this day has significance in the world of cycling for several reasons, only one of which being the anniverary of Marco Pantani's death.  Aside from that, many think of Valentine's Day merely as one created by the card, candy and flower industries to make money...and that may very well be.  However, who can deny the special feeling one gets when given a Valentine's-themed special message of affection.  Take the tin of candy hearts I received in the mail yesterday from an anonymous reader who has obviously ridden with me at some point:

Reading these messages rang with such truth and clarity that it almost felt like it was summer again and I was at Thursday Night sprints.  Perhaps I'm not alone this Valentine's day in having bad memories conjured up as Portland, Oregon used the occasion to host its "Worst Day of the Year Ride."  As one would expect, photographs of the occasion depict Oregonian cyclists in full cupid and heart-related garb.  And apparently, so blessed is the Portland cycling community that their excrement is without odor such that their port-o-potties can be named "Honey Buckets."

I'm sure my constant ribbing of Portland must smack of envy to some, and if so I apologize. For we in COMO-ville should also feel blessed, which is the exact emotion I experienced while reading about the new Krankcycle fitness machine that was recently added to the local Wilson's Gym.

According to an article in the Columbia Tribune, "....the Krankcycle is designed to combine cardio with upper-body strength training," and thus, "It's an ideal cross-training workout for runners or cyclists who are trying to increase their cardiovascular fitness without overtraining their lower bodies."  The benefits of this machine are apparently multifactorial:

"The face of the Krankcycle flips over, and the saddle seat is removable, so users can add challenge to the their workouts by standing on BOSU trainers or sitting on Swiss balls."

I can't say for sure, but I think the challenge added by this seating arrangement would likely be more stringently felt by the Swiss man whose balls I was sitting on while Krank-cycling.  Especially if they were this Swiss guy's balls.

Curious about the Krankcycle, I checked out their website, and discovered that this machine is made by someone by the name of 'Johnny G'.  Apparently, he has a robot army of incredibly (and irritatingly happy)buff individuals that are so indoctrinated into the Johnny G. mantra of fitness, that each has the company logo branded on their lower abdomen.

Such is the dedication some have for their fitness and sport.  And speaking of dedication, who can doubt professional cyclist Michale Rasmussen's as he has declared he will actually give up his Danish citizenship and become Mexican to allow him to ride in the World Championships in Denmark in 2011 since the Danish Cycling Federation has stated that it will not nominate him to the national team.  Currently riding for Mexican Team Miche, Rasmussen (aka "the Chicken") has publicly stated his disappointment with the low-ranking status of his team, and not just over jealously that his teammate, Edwin Carvajal, is the reigning world champion in the Men's Unibrow.

His simultaneous disapproval of his current contract and eagerness to win the favors of a larger, European squad didn't stop Rasmussen from dropping out of the Tour Mediterranean last week, however, due to the cold weather.  I guess once a chicken, always a chicken.

Pedal on!

Teeth!

As I made my way into work this morning, I still felt hungover from the proceedings of last night.  Maybe I wasn't yet warmed up from the deep hypothermia that set in during yesterday's ride, or it might have been the two plates of lemon-cheese pasta I ate last night, or the half-gallon of Breyer's chocolate crackle ice cream I consumed after that, or when the GEEC and I were channel surfing last evening and we stumbled upon some talentless horror movie on TV that freaked the shit out of us both...

At any rate, the weekend was an eventful one for cycling....

Alberto Contador and Team Astana had their official coming out party in Vienna, Austria on Saturday.  We may be seeing a new kinder, gentler AC these days as he stated openly that he doesn't like to think of himself as the Tour favorite this year.  And beyond that, the Spaniard has decided to replace his classic and self-promotional "fingerbang" victory salute with the iconic Fonzie "Heyyyyy!" gesture which he shares with his posse like congregation members of the Church of the Fonz.

When asked about the old "fingerbang", Contador has declared that his extended index finger will be relegated only for picking purposes when the need arises (boogers, wedgies and ear wax buildup).

Astana competed this weekend in the first French race of the season, the Gran Prix la Marseillaise.  Strangely absent in early season racing has been Mark Cavendish however, of HTC-Columbia.  Last week reports indicated that Cavs would have to delay his 2010 season because of ongoing dental problems, and thus will not race until the Ruta del Sol on Feb 17.

Perhaps the Manx Missile could take some lessons in dental care from local cattle rancher Steve Schmidt who became the teeth-lifting champion of the world this weekend here in COMO and made the Guinness Book of World Records by lifting a 220.5 pound weight with his teeth 50 times over the span of a minute.

(photo courtesy of the Columbia Tribune by Nick King)

Despite his wife saying that Mr. Schmidt's teeth are a "God-given gift", (because tooth-lifting sounds like a pursuit any God would be proud to promote) Steve attributes his dental health to brushing with coconut oil.  My own theory of his dental good-fortune is that he's simply not British.

But if the Manx Missile's teeth are wishing they weren't British, there were a whole lot of Oregonians pretending they were British this weekend.  In sharp contrast to its long standing practice of naked cycling, Portland hosted its very first Tweed Ride Saturday.  I can only imagine that the act of donning clothes, let alone heavy woolen fabric, whilst cycling was a concept as foreign to the Portland residents as the chap featured in the event's posters saying "No dessert for me, please!"

But by all accounts, the ride seems like it was a great success.  Awards were given out after the ride which included:  Most Convincing BBC Character, Most Likely to Murder in an Agatha Christie Novel, The Best Red-Breasted Boobies, Miss Tweed Gorgeous, Most Colorful Argyle Socks, and lastly, the Longest Pipe Award...which at first mention had me wondering if the rather flamboyant male host (seen here)....

was using a euphemism to hit on another tweeded male cyclist (not that there is anything wrong with that)...but in fact was actually and truthfully referring to Kenneth's very long pipe.

No mention of the Most British Dentition Award was made among the twaddle of tweeders.....But rumor has it, they did bust out and sing a rendition of 'Teeth' by the aforementioned Lady Gaga in honor of last night's Grammy's.....the most meaningful lyrics of which are...

 

"Take a bite of my bad girl meat

Take a bit of me, boy

Show me your teeth

The truth is sexy."

 

I'm guessing Cav's girlfriend doesn't sing this to him much......

 

Pedal on!

Hanging On

Cold weather cycling is something both treasured and hated, simultaneously.  Whereas it seperates the truly obsessed from the mildly interested cyclist, it can also be a lesson in pain and endurance.  Having raced down a mountainside in Colorado at 55 MPH in 35 degrees and not knowing if my fingers were actually on the brake levers or not because my gloveless hands were numb, I recently came to appreciate the necessity of dressing appropriately.  But I also came to appreciate the art of hanging on - even if you can't feel a thing.  This was also drilled into me at last year's Froze Toes race where I learned that the mental and physical requirements necessary to hang on to the leaders was enough to keep me warm, but as soon as I was dropped, the real cold of not only the climate, but also the dissolutionsment, set in.  So sometimes, goals shift from winning to just simply hanging on.

I thought of this yesterday when needing a bit of a break from some office work, I decided to ride across town to grab a cup of coffee.  Coming down 9th street, I saw a long line of cars backed up by something obstructing their way heading north toward Broadway.  As I got closer I saw that it was a three-wheeled recumbent bike going about 6 MPH.  The car behind him was laying on the horn pretty severely and giving this guy quite the earful; another example of car versus bike road rage.  This reminded me of a video someone had sent me of an another bike vs. car road rage incident captured on film in bike-Mecca Portland recently in which a cyclist had yelled at a drunken motorist for speeding in a residential area.  The driver of the car then intentionally ran into the cyclist who, upon landing squarely on the hood of the speeding car, instinctively grabbed onto the windshield wipers and hung on as the car tried to shake him off, TJ Hooker style.

I believe the cyclist was unharmed and the driver eventually caught, but not without scaring the living hell out of every cyclist who saw the video.  I don't know how that guy hung on....or for that matter how William Shatner managed it either.  That TJ Hooker was a man among men with his unflappable nature and kung-fu grip. 

I'm sure many other cyclists like me (and TJ) were at least mentally hanging on by the slimmest of threads last week with the weather, wondering if we would ever get a break from the steady onslaught of cold rain so that we could get comfortably back in the saddles without getting swamp ass.

But alas, the rain stopped in time on Friday for some spectacular cycling this weekend.  All reports indicate that the BikeMO event was a massive success with a good turn out despite the chilly start.  Apparently this year's BikeMO also doubled as a costume party as one cyclist dressed his young child up in the kiddie seat as a Dachshund wearing a halloween-colored argyle sweater. (Great BikeMO photos Melalvai!)

Variations of this costume have been documented in other cities.  Take this one for example where the small child is dressed as a Pomeranian and is accompanied not by an argyle sweater, but instead a six pack of Coors Light.  Nothing says refreshment like riding around town on your Zipp Y-foil with a Pom-pom and a luke-warm Coors.

And speaking of just hanging on by slim threads, I thought I would show you the new bike security system I recently witnessed outside RagTag on Hitt St.  No - I'm not speaking of the U-Lock orgy system that has also been popularized as of late.  This one is far more simple:

To pull this one off, you must pass your cable lock around the top tube and then secure it to an immovable object.  Position the wheels very close to the immovable object and then cantilever the bike perilously outward so that it is hanging on by just the cable.  I don't know if this one has been named yet, but I'm going to call it "The Rappel".

Yup, it's Monday.  And now my 'hanging on' comes in the form of getting through another 5 long days until a sweet enough sliver of time will allow me to escape on the bike for something longer than my morning commute. 

Pedal on!

P.S. A little photo quiz of the day.  What is this picture of?

Something little vomiting Falcon would have seen if his ass actually had been in the flying saucer.  (Courtesy of the CraigsList BikeFO....and users "jayfaz" and "glory_bound")