Thursday, August 12, 2010

A letter to Jens Voigt

Today, I feel compelled to write a letter to Jens beg him to find a new team. 

Jens, you may wonder what inspired this.  Well, it's a culmination of things, really.   But let's start by watching this conversation with you following your horrific crash in last year's Tour de France.  Watching this makes me laugh and feel guilty all at once.

You had me at "Hi people."

Now, pair this with what happened to you this year.  It's Stage 16 and you have just gone over the Peyresourde, blow out your front tire and eat asphalt, wrecking your body once again in addition to wrecking your bike.  To add insult to injury, you have no team car -  so no replacement bike.  Team car #1 is following Andy Shleck at the front of the race and team car #2 has left you to hand out water bottles at the bottom of the next climb.  So here you are Jens, once again, left for dead. 

Jens, have you read the book "Into Thin Air" by Jon Krakauer?  Do you remember the part where climber and Texas pathologist Beck Weathers won't die.....even though the climbing party leaves him for dead on the top of Everest like 3 different times?  The other guys keep saying shit like, "Fuck him....he's toast."  And then 12 hours later Beck stumbles into camp missing another part of his face or hands and says "A little help, here please?" 

"Could I borrow a little sun screen?....Anyone?....Hello?...How 'bout some chap stick?"

Does this sound familiar?  Bikeless, and laying in a crumpled bloody pulp, you had to wait for the flipping broom wagon which finally pulls up to you...

"So then the broom wagon pulled up and was like, "Do you want to just get in?" And I said, "Oh no, I don't need YOU!" But there I am with blood spurting out my left elbow and no bike.  Finally the race organizers got me a bike, but it was this little junior bike.  It was way too small for me and even had old-fashioned toe-clip pedals.  But that is the only way I could get down the mountain, so I had to ride it for like 15-20 kilometers until I finally got to a team car with my bike."

So here you are, broken-bodied Jens, humping it up the road, all alone on a yellow kid's bike, whistling Edelweiss out your ass, just happy to still be racing, defying your multiple rib fractures to stop you.

Now let's switch gears and look at what the the rest of your team is doing: assessing Jakob Fuglsang's injury from Stage 4 of last year's Vuelta after he inexplicably veered out of the peloton and kissed the back of a tanker truck parked along side the road. 
I'm still trying to figure out how or why Fuglsang's little shin scrape prompted a veritable SaxoBank "bed in" including a shirtless Shleck being fondled by a disembodied hand. All they are missing is John and Yoko signing "Give peace a chance!".  Not to be outdone, even Matti Breschel feels like it would be appropriate to 'drop trou' to show off his bare ass.  At one point, Shleck even asks if Fugslang can have some anesthesia.  Where was the homoerotic love fest while you were laying in bed looking like Leatherface from a Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jens?  I ask you?

Of course, none of it matters, as you know.  The Saxo Bank of old is no more...The Shlecks have skipped town to do their own thing in Luxembourg while Fuglsang and his shin scar are out as well - but no one knows where yet.  Matti Breschel just signed with Rabobank and of course Bjarne Riis signed Contador and is contemplating hiring Michael "The Chicken" Rasmussen.  Seriously, Jens?  The Chicken?  I think you should have been the one to quit Team Namby Pamby first and formed your own team by yourself.  Somebody just give him two bikes and a constant supply of aspirin.  Jens, if you are out there, think about it.  I just don't know if I can suffer watching you have to put up with a new Saxo Bank team 'bed in' with Rasmussen getting medical attention for a mole he accidentally ripped off while zipping up his jersey.
At least he won't bleed much, as the consistency of his blood is probably like maple syrup in middle of January his hematocrit is so high.

Jens, just think about it.  Maybe Spartacus will go with you.  Don't do it for it for you.


1 comment:

  1. "Into Thin Air" is an awesome book. Highly worth reading. Dr. Weathers ends up completely losing his nose. I saw an after photo. Pretty gruesome. I assume he had some sort of reconstruction. At the very minimum he should wear one of those fake nose/mustache/eyeglass combos.