Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday the 13th Mail

My Friday the 13th actually started on Thursday the 12th at approximately 7:03 PM when I felt something crawling on the edge of the chamois pad of my shorts while riding.  As I reached under the right cheek of my ass to feel what it was, my finger tips came to rest on something large and bristly and wiggly.  Before my brain could even register that I had some sort of large insect attempting to dry hump me, I felt a sting so intense that shivers literally crawled up either side of my face and my entire right hammy seized up.  I instinctively brushed the offending little bastard off of me - but the damage was done.  And what was worse is that the SOB had left me a little present: his stinger was still stuck in my ass-cheek and through the lycra so that every pedal stroke I took wiggled it back and forth in the muscle.  As if the heat wasn't enough, mid-Missouri mother nature just decided I needed to be gigged in the ass.  Thank you. 

And by the way - remember that next weekend is the first annual Boone Dawdle ride.  Get your tickets now!

And now, time for Friday Mail...

Dear PooBah,
My bicycle is my only source of transportation.  I ride it literally everywhere I go.  However, I have a little problem, which is why I'm writing you.  I have absolutely no sense of direction and could get lost inside my own closet.  I've thought about purchasing a GPS unit - but simply cannot afford that right now.  Is there an alternative?
David F.

Great question.  First - let me ask you some questions.  Are you seeing anyone currently?  Is she flexible?  Can she read a map?  If your answer is "yes" to all these questions your can try this little number out.
Just make sure to inflate your rear tire to 125 at least or your may risk a pinch flat.  And be warned, these little GPS units don't have batteries that will fail, but they do like to steer you off course frequently in the direction of shoe stores for some reason.

Dear PooBah,
Even though I hardly ever read your pretentious blog, I thought I'd submit a story to you in hopes that you will be able to write something that is worth reading (tall order, I realize).  The other day, while out riding in this sweltering hotbox, I had a blowout on my rear wheel.  After pulling to the side of the road, I realized that there was a pencil-sized hole in the sidewall of my tire.  Of course, to fix this problem all I needed to do was to boot the tire.  However, I had spent all my cash on pixy sticks and Big Gulps ealier in the day, so had no dollar bill to use as a tire boot.  Plan 'B' was to walk to the closest watering hole, order up an apple martini and put out the vibe in my sweaty shammy [sic] while I waited until my significant other got off work and could come pick me up.  But as I was putting my tail between my legs and getting ready to accept defeat, the individual that was riding with me at the time (who, incidentally, had brought no repair kit because he thought I would have everything) suggested I use a leaf from a tree as a boot.  Well, after a few minutes of jawing back and forth, it came down to a bet. I would use the leaves from a Redbud tree to boot my tire (see pictures below) and if it blew out before I made it home, he would owe me dinner and a new tube, but if it held I would owe him dinner.  Despite me riding over every pothole I could find on my way home, the leaf trick actually worked.  My question is - where can I buy him the cheapest meal that will be guaranteed to give him gas? 
"Buck Russel"

First off, let me complement you on your selection of friends.  This fellow sounds like quite the resourceful chap and the kind of man of action that you want around in a pinch.  Secondly, I'm sure stuffing your tires full of vegetation isn't anything new to you.

Thirdly, "apple martinis?"  Really?  No wonder you didn't have an appropriate patch kit - you probably left it in your purse in the ladies' room of Room 38.  And lastly, despite the fact that your amazingly quick-thinking friend is probably happy enough just to know that you made it home safely, I'm guessing he would love to have the salmon at Abigail's in Rocheport.  Oooh, ooh - he also really likes the toasted coconut pie there too for dessert.

Dear PooBah-
I just started racing MTB this year and for the most part, things have been going really well.  I've noticed some steady improvement in my conditioning and bike handling skills, which really paid off the last time I raced.  However, during my last event, I noticed that I was having some significant chest pain.....almost as if I had a heavy weight pulling down on my sternum.  I am worried this could be something serious.  What do you think the problem might be?  Do you think I have weak lungs?
Thanks so much
Lacey T.
Well, I'm no doctor - but your chest looks pretty healthy to me.  It might be a question of 'support' while you are racing.  Remember that every good racer needs a support system to help carry the load, so to speak.  In your case, the support you may require to perform effectively might be substantial, as you appear to have quite a large burden to shoulder.

Dear PooBah,
As you may know, the last big road race of the season is coming up:  The Gateway Cup over labor day weekend in St. Louis.  I've been in kind of a racing slump recently with respect to mediocre results, and am just not performing like I want to.  Thus, I need to try something different for Gateway.  I've gotten some advice that sometimes you just need to mix it up and try something crazy.  I've been working on a move lately that I think might help me ditch the field early on and let me stay away for a long solo breakaway.  What do you think?
Karl M.

I was going to say this move is definitely "ballsy" but then again, I'm worried yours are being completely smashed with this little maneuver.  That said, I do think it will probably work in keeping the field away from you.  I cannot imagine a soul that will want to draft off of you in this position (maybe aside from reader "Buck Russel").  Just make sure the course doesn't have any of these signs along it before you try to bust this one out.

Dear PooBah,
I just invented a new bike that is going to revolutionize personal transport!  The world has never seen anything like this before...I wanted your readers to see it first!  We're about to go into mass production.
Dr. Ming Pei

Dr. Pei,
Are you familiar with a show called "South Park?"  I hope you have a good patent attorney.

Dear PooBah,
I'm a farmer and an avid cyclist.  For years I've been trying to come up with a way that I can use pedal power to run some of my equipment.  That way I could maintain my cycling fitness while tending my crops.  I recently think I've stumbled upon a way to convert a Felt cruiser into a combine to harvest my wheat.  Do you think it will work?
Thank you!
Alex G.
Whether it does or it doesn't, God bless you for trying.

Have a great weekend, everyone.  Thanks for reading.


1 comment:

  1. Great post. After years I cycling I am still learning new stuff. For example: tubeless tires. I didn't get it at first, but after reading your post I now understand. It's so you can put your weed in there!