Friday, August 6, 2010

Friday Mail

Happy Friday kids...

Just a quick announcement first.  Next weekend is the St. Louis installment of the New Belgium Brewery Urban Assault Ride.
Grab a teammate and your bikes and take the streets in a part alley-cat, part scavenger hunt that is sponsored by the New Belgium Brewery.  Registration guarantees you lots of swag and beer and probably a little road rash.  You can sign up here.  I will be partaking and will offer you a full report after the big event.

And with that - let's get to a later-than-usual installment of Friday Mail. 

Dear PooBah,
I think something is wrong with me.  Whenever I get on my bike I find that I get instantly a sexual way.  Sometimes I can hardly contain myself while riding.  Unfortunately over the years, this has somehow resulted in my inability to get aroused while NOT on the bicycle.  This has become VERY frustrating to my girlfriend....because if I'm not on a bicycle, I just cannot seem to get in the mood!  I think she may break up with me if this continues....because the other night she caught me doing this before I came to bed....
What can I do?  Please help!
Duncan T.

It's not necessarily bad that you find cycling so erotic.  The problem is that you've allowed your bicycle fantasies to interfere with real life relationships.  You've got to find a way to merge your two worlds: fantasy and reality.  For example, why not ask your girlfriend to try this move out as a little foreplay?
If this can make you ding her handlebar bell with no hands, you'll know it's working! 

Dear PooBah,
I'm a graphic designer for an ad agency and have been assigned a job to demonstrate safe cycling at night.  Do you think this photo is acceptable for our "Biking at Night the Safe Way!" campaign?
Marian H.

How did you dig up and pose Captain Kangaroo on that bike?  You must have an impressive budget!  At any rate, I'm not sure that showing the Captain salmoning up a road into the headlights of oncoming traffic on a little kid's bike while shooting laserbeams out his ass conveys a message of safety - but it's still pretty cool!  I say go with it.

Dear PooBah,
Check out my new tattoo.  I wanted it to convey a message of cycling solidarity.  Do you think I succeeded?
Pedal on, dude.
Charles M.

Yeah - that's nice!  The only problem I see with it is it's proximity to your hairy nipple...which kind of looks like it's just dangling off the bottom of the design like a singular testicle.  If this is an ode to Lance Armstrong, then well played....but if it was an act of poor planning - then I think you can do better.  If you get the other side of your chest done, you should consider incorporating the nippular area into the sense it letting it go to waste. (see example).

Dear PooBah,
Who do you think is the most "metrosexual" man in the pro-peloton these days? 
Gayle J.

Easy - Matti Breschel of SaxoBank.  It takes a whole lot of "metro" to be able to pull off a kelly green  cardigan and a combed-over "tidal wave" hair style.

Dear PooBah,
Tonight I have a date with a woman I've been after for 2 years!  This is HUGE as I think I may be in love with her!  She's been reluctant to dating for the longest time but finally conceded to going out with me - and tonight the magic is going to happen.  I can just feel it.  I've got to make the evening as perfect as possible.  I've had one little hiccup in planning tonight's proceedings, however.  On my morning ride, I got stung by a bee in my left eye.  I don't think it's that bad, really - but do you think she will notice?
Thanks a ton!
Henry G.

Nah, dude - you're good.  What's more concerning is that ferret penis you're growing on your upper lip.  I'd shave that thing off if you ever want a second date with this woman.

Dear PooBah,
I am a professional dancer with the Columbia Ballet Company and love to ride my road bike to practice each day.  However I started experiencing some issues with chafing so purchased some chamois creme to use.  Maybe I'm not using it correctly, but I notice that it makes my saddle an absolute mess!  How can I prevent this from happening?
Thank you!
Janet B.

Yeah - these products can be tricky to apply.  Typically, most cyclists that use chamois creme will actually wear cycling shorts to which the creme can be applied....while others will put the creme on their skin instead.  Based on your chosen cycling apparel, I'm guessing you do the latter....which is great, don't get me wrong....but I think it may explain both the original chafing and the messy saddle....I might be able to better figure out your problem if I actually watched you ride to work one day.  Email me your route and I will spend some time observing you.

Have a great weekend everyone!  Ride safe!

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