Ninja Riders

About a week ago, Robert Johnson, aka "SPOKES MAN" over at the ColumbiaTribune wrote an interesting article entitled "Shine a light on ninja riders" which I think deserves a little more attention.

The first paragraph lays out the premise for the article:

"There is a creature roaming the streets of Columbia that strikes fear into the hearts of motorists and responsible bicyclists alike - the "ninja rider."  Ninja riders are bicyclists who ride at night without lights and, like real ninjas, travel through our communitry barely visible."

Of course, Mr. Johnson is completely correct that riding a bike at night without lights is ridiculously risky, but the part of this opening paragraph which really scared me was the notion in the second sentence that "real ninjas" are travelling through our community, and that they are barely visible!  Was anyone else aware of this?  I thought this must just be a device Mr. Johnson created for his article, but then I found this here.

It seems like this is the real thing.

I think, in general, ninja's probably get a pretty bad rap - as like the rest of us, they are just trying to make a living and bring home the bacon.  Admittedly, for them, this generally means via killing people, but hey - who am I to judge?  But what is really creepy, is if what Mr. Johnson says is true, then ninjas could be walking amongst us - and be barely visible with the use of their ninja skills and clothes which facilitate quick concealment.  Take these new cycling jackets I stumbled upon that allow quick conversion from average bike commuter to cycling ninja in a mere seconds.

But ninja apparel isn't the real challenge, I'm guessing.  it's the ninja's bike, which also must be stealthy and easily concealed in the dark of the night.  Where can the cycling assasins find such a thing?  Look no further than Aurumania, who makes the "Night Bike."

With 24k gold-plated spokes, it has to be a fixed gear, as I'm guessing most cycling ninjas are actually hipster-outcasts who fell out of the fold of the skinny-jeaned urban cyclist cult once their daddies cut off their bank accounts, but yet still possess mad fixed gear riding skilz.  Note the complete absence of all reflectors and lights....

Like many companies, I assumed Aurumania may use models to pose with their bicycles as part of the marketing strategy to appeal to the kinds of cyclists that are most likely to identify with their bikes.  Therefore, I searched the photo gallery portion of their website to try to find some downloadable images of actual ninjas riding their bikes, and sure enough, I stumbled upon one.

I think Mr. Johnson may have gotten the concept of the modern cycling ninja all wrong.  Perhaps they follow the instincts of their hipster roots, and take the minimalist approach that they favor for their bikes: no gears, no brakes, no reflectors, no lights, and now....no clothes....but apparently a very large fro.  So instead of being "barely visible", they are in fact just "bare."

And I may be mistaken, but this particular ninja looks a LOT like a 1972 version of Levi Leipheimer.

I used my CSI-like, high-tech photo enhancing techniques to further examine if in fact, Levi has become the new covert spokesman for the naked-ninja cyclist movement.

This thing just keeps getting creepier by the minute.

I think we would all do wise to follow Mr. Johnson's advice on this one, and beware the cycling ninja, elusive creature of the night.  He carries neither light, nor shame.  God knows where he keeps his extra tube in case of punctures.

Pedal on!

Birds of a feather

Following the news of the pro-peloton these days has become like watching a soap opera and has revealed what appears to be not just a few disgruntled cyclists and managers alike.  Late season rider transfers, buy-outs, unhappy members who wish to be on other teams, frustrated directeurs, on and on and on.  It seems that it's hard these days in the pro-circuit to establish one's identity as a stand-out athlete, and at the same time form and maintain allegiances. 

It was thus with great joy that I read on cyclingnews that a new alliance has formed between 2009 Tour de France champion Alberto Contador and his new Astana co-captain, Alexander Vinokourov who were together this weekend in Pisa, Italy to unveil the team's new kit as well as welcome the other new cyclists in the first training ride of the season.  I cannot remember the last time I saw such beaming, genuine smiles (labeled for your reference with the yellow arrows, below) on two people.

Being in Pisa, Contador took the time to have the obligatory touristy photo taken of him seemingly holding up the iconic leaning tower to represent his ambition of holding up the weighty responsibilities of Team Astana for one more year.

Unbelievably, at the very moment Contador's emblamatic photo was taken, a pigeon began to attack his size 7 Sidi.

I was absolutely baffled by this.  I mean, what kind of a pigeon would want to undermine Contador's efforts of holding up the team for another year!  I decided to use some photo-enhancing techniques I picked up on CSI the other night to maginfy and examine this photo in an attempt to get at the root of what might be going on here.

Apparently, AC's feelings were quite hurt about the whole thing, as he has always been a major proponent of pigeon's rights.  Why, back in his hometown of Madrid, the local townspeople have even erected a statue of Alberto gesturing in his now famous "finger-bang" salute, and the likeness of Contador's giant marble index finger has become the favorite roosting spot of a pigeon the people of Madrid have affectionately named "Johnny".

Following the pigeon attack incident, in an amazing display of compassion, Contador's new teammate, the ever sensitive Vino, immediately rushed to his side to console the emotionally wounded champion.

In other news, the Garmin boys, still smarting from the recent jilting they were given by Bradley Wiggins, were the guests of honor at the NYVelocity's roller races as part of a fund raiser.  The Garmin manager, Jonathan Vaughters served as master of ceremonies wearing, what many have claimed to be, the most festive pants known to man.

I've reported on JV's pants obsession previously, as he is a firm believer in the good or bad fortune that his pants can bring.

But it should be remembered that what is one man's tartan-fabric talisman, especially when  red and fairly loud, is like the matador's cape to another man and might just invoke sheer fury.  We'll never know if such were the reasons that drove Bradley Wiggins away from the team recently, but at least one competitor at the roller races was not feeling the love for Vaughter's pants....

And just like in Pisa, there was more fowl-play at hand in New York on this particular evening...

Hell hath no fury like a pigeon scorned, or a chicken on rollers.

Pedal on!

Dear PooBah: Friday Mail

Ah dear readers, it's finally Friday.  And what a week we've had.  There have been stories of other cycling bloggers getting to join Team RadioShack for training camp, and reports of disgruntled members of the Garmin-Transition Team over the exiting of Bradley Wiggans. It just goes to show that the world of cycling is forever in motion, despite the number of hours we, the obsessed, have asses planted firmly in office chairs while we watch it unfold on the internet.  But no matter, Friday also means it's time for the old PooBah to dip into the mailbag.  So let's get it on!

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Dear PooBah-
Not long ago I read a great article in a magazine about how to make inexpensive upgrades to your bicycle.  I've come up with one of my own that I really wanted to share with your readers.  My son was always pestering me about wanting to go riding with me on my bike, but I know that letting him ride on the handlebars is too dangerous, and I simply don't have the money for one of those fancy kid bike seats or trailers - so check out what I came up with for him!
Yours -
Bobby J.

Dear Bobby

Sweet MacGyver, that is a great idea!  It appears as though you've bolted a plastic kid's chair to your rear luggage rack.  Nicely done.  One word of advice - you may want to consider rattle-canning that thing black, I'm worried about the emotional scars your son will suffer being forced to ride around in a pink seat.

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Dear PooBah-

Long time reader, first time writer.  I play bike polo in Eugene, Oregon, and as the 3rd alternate goal keeper for my team, I would like to extend to you an invitation to come out and play with us sometime.  We can provide you with a bike and equipment, and you can even shack with me.

Looking forward to seeing you soon-

Jame Gumm

Dear Mr. Gumm,

Wow, thanks so much for the invite.  Man, you know - I'm sitting here looking at my calendar trying to figure out when I can make it out there to Eugene and hook up with you, and it just occured to me that I think I might be working on a herniated disk in my back, thus preventing me from being able to pretty much move for the next year or two.  But best of luck to you, and your DeadBaby Team!

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Dear PooBah-

You have to help me with my daughter - I am so worried about her.  Yesterday I caught her playing with her Barbies by a small puddle of water that has formed by our road.  She had them arranged in some pretty troubling poses WITH their little Barbie bicycles (see attached photo).  What could this all mean?

Please Help!

Dolores H.

Dear Dolores-

Looks like she is ready to try cyclocross.

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Dear PooBah-

One question:  Shimano or Campy when it comes to cranks?

Thanks!

Dillon

Dillon-

I've done an extensive search on the manufacturing practices and industry standards of both companies and can only find one difference when it comes to these two components.  The distinguishing factor is in the inspection process where I think Campagnolo might have a leg up because of who they have historically had closely examine each crank. (Insert tasteless religion-related joke based on "crank-examination" double entendre here.)

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Dear PooBah,

I've been eyeing this Brooks Saddle on ebay for a week now, but just cannot decide if it's worth the money based on the photo.  The seller says she has some additional photos she can provide upon request, but I don't know if it's worth the trouble.  What do you think?  The auction ends tonight.

Thanks!

J. Magoo

Mr. Magoo-

Have the seller email me the additional photos directly.  I will examine them closely and get back with you.  Hurry.  We don't want to lose the chance to get a closer look at these....this....whatever.

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Dear PooBah-

I absolutely love my pet, Mr. Muckles, and miss him terribly when I am out riding. I read with great interest one of your previous posts on the potential use of sidecars in which one could carry along their fuzzy companions.  But there just aren't a lot of options out there when it comes to purchasing one, and plus - the available models are really expensive.  Furthermore, my little guy loves to actually run, versus just being happy to ride along,  so I've been working on an alternative way Mr. Muckles could come along with me, and even participate in my daily ride!  Check it out!

Sincerely,

Wanda M.

Dear Wanda-

If you haven't hired a patent attorney yet, you better get yourself one quick, sister.  I think you are sitting on a gold mine.

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Thanks, as ever, for reading everyone.  Have a great weekend and ride safe!

Pedal on!

Wiggin' Out: Sex (Pistols), Lies and Twitter

I have been watching the road-racing pro-tour news with much interest over the past several days as some major shake-ups have recently occured and still seem to be evolving.  Most of these changes surround Bradley Wiggins, who finished in 4th place at this year's Tour de France.

Wiggo is an interesting character who got his first start in professional road racing on a team meant to promote vegetarianism and Linda McCartney brand Foods.  Hence the name, the Linda McCartney Racing Team whose jerseys were apparently inspired by boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Unfortunately, this project went belly-up after about a year with massive financial losses.  Wiggins then went on to race for a number of French squads before ending up last year with Garmin-Slipstream, where he truly established himself as general classifications contender.  After his break-out performance at this year's Tour, he has been a marked man, with a number of teams attempting to lure him out of the remaining year on his Garmin contract.

Amidst the swirling rumors of his early departure for the newly formed British Sky Team, Wiggo has still found the time to do a little trash talking, or so Cyclingnews.com would have us believe:

In an article published Monday, CyclingNews reported that Wiggins was "talking tough" regarding the 2010 Tour de France and quoted him as saying,

"I've looked at some of the Tour stages.  A lot of people think it won't be a great Tour for me but that first week if anything is advantageous to me....those cobbled stages could have big gaps to the guys like Andy, Contador and the guy from America."

Later on in the article, he had a few additional words regarding "the guy from America",

"It will make for an interesting race and I still think I'm a better ride than Lance and a few of the other guys."

Almost immediately after CyclingNews released this story, the Twitter lines started to buzz from the Wiggo camp in the UK.

Apparently Wiggo didn't think a Tweeted disclaimer was quite good enough to appease the awakened giant, thus prompting an email to il padrino of the peloton himself to which LA responded, publicly no less, on Twitter, just to let everyone know that Wiggo had come begging for his forgiveness.

What would possess Wiggo to make such brash comments?  Who knows for sure, but if we backtrack Wiggo's tweets, we can see what music he was listning to shortly prior to when the poop hit the fan.

Public Image Limited, or PiL, was the experimental punk brainchild of Jon Lydon after the Sex Pistol's demise in 1978.  This could certainly explain Wiggo's seemingly anarcharistic actions.  He got ramped up on a little classic punk and went all Johnny Rotten on us.

It then occured to me that Wiggo and Rotten bear a remarkable resemblence to one another and the source of Wiggins' inspiration now seems all the more clear.

Despite LA's reported forgiveness of Wiggo's brashness, Bradley still may have been scared to the point of performing a childish act in his pants, however, because not long after the incident, he reported on Twitter that he needed some new underwear.

Or perhaps this was code for something else, since he remarked that he was actually changing to a different brand of underwear all together, and that he didn't want regrets 20 years down the line.  Sure enough, CyclingNews is reporting this morning that Wiggins has switched teams and will be joining the British squad Team Sky next year.

New underpants indeed.

Back at Team RadioShack headquarters, LA was demonstrating the change in the appearance of their underoos as well.

Not quite what I would consider epic, but apparently The Shack is all about brand recognition, evidenced by the integration of the logo graphics into the paintjob on the team's new Trek Madone 6-series and even onto the Bontrager Wheels.

I wonder if Wiggo will try to integrate a little Johnny onto his new Pinarello?

Pedal on!

Throw Downs Near and Far: Cyclocross and the Hotties vs. the Hasids

Despite, or maybe because of, the shortened, darker days of winter, the cycling world is seeing some epic throw-downs both near and far.  Firstly, the near.  This past Sunday saw the 2009 Missouri State Cyclocross State Championships in Hermann, MO.  It was a cold, overcast day with plenty of  mud, but the course was reportedly incredibly well-designed by Pro12 racer Jeff Yielding to be fast and fun.  Here are the winners of the various categories as reported by the official State Championship Blog.

PRO12 - Josh Johnson
Cat 3 - Dan Miller
30+ - Matt La Berta
35+ - Paul Quindry
40+ - Chris Heirre
45+ - Andy Lucas
50+ - Richard George
Women 123 - Carrie Cash-Wotten
Men 4 - Rock Wamsley
Women 4 - Stephanie Mcreary
Jr Men - Aaron Stull
Jr Women - Karen Brocket
Single Speed - Christopher Connolly

And in case you've always wondered what it's like to race in the Missouri State Cyclocross Championships in fast-motion, you can watch it here, courtesy of BubbaCXRacer on YouTube.

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And next the far: An entirely different kind of throwdown is occuring in South Williamsburg, Brooklyn which is home to not only an old enclave of Hasidic Jews, but also the leading eastcoast manufacturer of hipsters.  It is here in Williamsburg where leaders of the Hasidic Jewish community have recently had bike lanes removed because the cyclists using the lanes posed "safety and religious hazards" to members of the resident Jewish enclave.  The religious hazards have apparently come in the form of women riding in shorts and short skirts, which are against the dress codes of the Hasids.  Religious laws not only forbid the Hasids to dress as such, but also to "stare at members of the opposite sex in various states of undress" according to the NewYork Post.

In order to keep Hasid eyes off of women, community leaders have successfully and legally had the white lines removed from the pavement.  In the ensuing battle that has been named the "Hasids vs. Hotties", a group of hipster insurgents is attempting to take back the streets through repainting the lines and associated lane demarcations in the middle of the night.



Not to be outdone by the paint-wielding hipster bike brigade, the Hasids have sent in their neighborhood watch group called the Shomrim Patrol to catch the hipsters in the act.

But things have only escalated as an alleged hipster named Ben recently commented on Williamsboard (a "Williamsburg hipster messageboard for arguing"), "i rode bedford [Avenue] this morning and kind of loled at the new bike lane markers.  then some jackoff yelled at me in hebrew and did a fake-out move, like he was going to shove me off my bike."  I'm still trying to figure out what 'loled' means but have to admit that if I had been 'loled' at, I might want to try to yell in Hebrew and bust out my best fake-out move too.  But the only Hebrew word i know is 'Shalom', which might not work with a threatening kung-fu-like fake out move.  Anyway, in case you are interested in picking up some tips and techniques in becoming a better hipster, the Williamsboard hipster messaging forum is a really neato-keen site chock full of photographs that hipsters post of themselves partaking in ironical activites like this.

Eating out at quaint establishments.

Getting their collective groove on.

Conversing at social gatherings.

Let's hope the Hasid's and Hipsters can feel the pull of brotherly love this holiday season and resolve their differences soon.  Maybe the female hipster cyclists riding down Bedford Avenue could try to embrace the recent ironical Tweed cycling craze?  No one wants to stare at that....

Pedal on!

Fashion outliers

Cycling in many ways is not unlike a friend of mine describes the practice of anesthesia:  95% of the time smooth sailing, 5% of the time sheer panic.  In this way, cycling is a practice of extremes.  Whether it is the various climatic challenges we deal with, the exertional differences between a morning commute and a mountainous ride, or in, say, cycling-related apparel, we are faced with experiencing both ends of the spectrum.
Let's take the latter example: Cycling related apparel.  'Tis the season, as they say, so if you are shopping for your favorite cyclist, you might find yourself perusing the virtual racks at the online store that recently opened called Outlier.  Their motto is: "Tailored performance clothing for cycling in the city."  City cycling is all the rage these days, and at least as important as simply looking like you are cycling in the city, so this company seems to be filling an important niche.  Clicking on an internal link within their website will let you read about the company's philosophy.  Upon reaching this page, you are first greeted by this photo which is literally titled Outlier Street Philosophy:

So apparently, in addition to riding brakeless fixed gears in the city, part of the Outlier philosophy is also doing so without looking where you are going.  The lengthy caption under the photo says, in part,

"The sun is rising, the air clear, the city unfold below you as you reach the top of the bridge.  Your legs are spinning fast, heart pumping, maybe you are sweating just a touch.  It's a magical feeling of exhiliration and liberation that comes from riding a bike in a city.  Inside trains, humans are imitating sardines, while drivers stall and stew in their own exhaust.  The cyclist however is completely free, in motion, almost flying, a huge smile wiped across their face.....At the core, Outlier clothing is about a certain freedom,  A freedom to ride, regardless of the destination. You should always look like you belong inside the city, not just out on the road pedaling."

Central, then to the theme of the company or "at the core" as the caption says, is to "always look like you belong inside the city," which then puzzles me as to why the company is called 'Outlier.'  Wikipedia tells us that statistically, an outlier is an observation that is numerically distant from the rest of the data.  Here is a graphic representation of what an 'outlier' looks like in a data set.

So if the company is about dressing the modern city cyclist to ensure he or she looks like they belong, what is it about their clothing that makes them an Outlier?  I decided to shop around and investigate.  It didn't take me long to figure out what makes Outlier an outlier.

If you click on the Empire Merino Tee you get a page showing some models wearing said Tee.  My favorite is one called Outlier-Kai-Sunlight.jpg.

I'm assuming this is Kai, busting his $75 Tee shirt in the sunlight, with his lips pursed and his 1000-yard stare as he reminisces about the hardened city streets he has had to pedal on his way to school and also if he accidentally left his Daddy's credit card at Starbuck's this morning.

Well, perhaps the Empire Merino Tee at $75 is the outlier on the Outlier clothing product line, and the other clothes are more resonably priced. I looked further:

Ok, maybe not.  How about a $60 cap?  But in their defense - this, according to the description, was "made in collaboration with master milliner Victor Osborne."  I mean - that sounds like it would cost some money to produce.  But, if like me, you are also wondering 1) "What the shit is a 'master milliner'?" and 2) "Who the shit is Victor Osborne?" read on.

A milliner is one who makes and sells hats, according to the online Webster's dictonary.  Now, what makes one a 'master' is anyone's guess, and I'm left to wonder if one may just use this title if the need suits to improve credibility.  Thus, for example, one who baits lines for professional fishermen could try to pump up business by referring to him or herself as the 'Master Baiter."  In similar fashion, if you visit Victor Osborne's website, you can see his entire line of masterful chapeaux such as this little number he was commissioned to complete for the new Nazi Youth Cycling Brigade:

Or this one which really defines the look of tomorrow's hipster, but may require the optional chin-strap accessory if it is going to stay on one's head while doing all that city riding.

If your family and friends are anything like the cheap lot that mine are and there will be no Victor Osborne hat for you under the tree Christmas morning, perhaps you can tell them to visit the opposite end of the cycling-related apparel spectrum at Tired Ol' Belts.  This company takes used bike tires and various components to fashion belts with a pricetag of about $25-$30 seen here:

These certainly keep to the spirit of cycling more, in my mind anyway, but still obviously are incapable of dressing up mom-jeans.  Tired Ol' Belts will even go a step further and will trade a belt and even money for your used cassette cogs and lock rings or spokes.

I wonder if I wrote to Victor and told him of the trade in deal Tired Ol' Belts is running if he would trade me my worn out Dura Ace 10-speed cassette for this little baby?

Pedal on!