Hierarchy of cycling in Columbia - where do you fit in?

A couple of weeks ago the Daily Tribune's cycling correspondant, Robert "The Spokesman" Johnson wrote an article regarding the legality of riding a bicycle on the Interstate in our great state of Missouri:

In the article, the Spokesman does a bit of mythbusting and informs us that in actuality, it is entirely legal to ride a bicycle on Missouri highways.  This was a great relief to me since I do like to frequent the Interstate on my velocipede, as I just don't tend to get as much excitement riding on the trail and crave that "Frogger" experience.  But, in truth, there are times and places when one must briefly ride along the shoulder and it is helpful to know that the Po-Po aren't going to taze me while doing so.  Surprising to none, this article, like every single article ever written by Mr. Johnson, was pounced upon by the bicycle-hating throng of COMO citizens in the comment section. 

"My kids grew up in an era where they were taught good, sensible manners on how and where to use their bicycles.  They most certainly didn't ride them in traffic or on downtown sidewalks....  There were plenty of places to ride bikes - like to school and back and probably stopping at wherever they had an after school job which they also learned what the phrase "work ethic" meant."

Hey - I think I remember that era when bicycles weren't ridden in traffic.....I believe it was the late 19th century, as long as you don't consider the long lines of oxen-pulled wagons backed up on Stadium as 'traffic'.  That said, I too am infuriated by those cyclists that both ride on sidewalks and have no work ethic.  I think they are called "undergrads".  Anyway, one individual decided to fire back at "1crossfire's" comments with some of their own thoughts.

In contradiction to "1crossfire's" cycling generalities, reader "bethatasitmay" breaks down COMO cyclists into 7 basic categories:

1. Children who may or may not know proper cycling technique depending on what they've been taught....we may consider them the tabula rasa of the COMO cycling world.

2. Homeless people or people with suspended driver's licences....ie people who have to suffer the cruel indignity of getting somewhere by bicycle because they have no choice.

3. "College students who just started riding a bike at college for the first time since they were 10" (and still are wearing the same jeans they were wearing when they were 10....I think they call them "hipsters.")

4. Serious bike commuters concerned about fitness and the environment (Liberals)

5. Trail only riders (Conservatives)

6. Serious competitive bicyclsts who are training for the Apple Cup race.....(even through it was last held in the year 2000 or something.  You can never be sure when it might return - and serious competitive cyclists will be ready....)

7. Touring bicyclists from out of town who have "ridden with their baggage from all parts of the country."  which kind of makes COMO sound like the Field of Dreams of cycling.

Really - what "bethatasitmay" has done in her response is to inadvertently fashion a hierarchichal tiering system of COMO cyclists which is pretty perceptive.  I've taken the liberty of restating this in graphical form (click to enlargen).

Whereas the lowest form of COMO cycling is practiced by children, drunks and hipsters, one may climb the evolutionary cycling tree toward the ultimate goal of cyclist enlightenment through baggage toting tourism requiring rides through town ONLY to find lodging.  I'm sure this will make the burgeoning randonneuring population incredibly proud.

However, this begs the question of where in the hell this guy fits in?

He's got baggage, but could definitely teach a hipster how to grow some facial hair...and his co-pilot is most certainly smarter than the average dumb kid.  I'm stumped.

Oh yeah - and I almost forgot.  I have to go away on business - so that's all for this week.  See you next week, kids!

An ounce of sense is worth a pound of stupidity

Generaly speaking, there are two things which will encourage even the meekest soul to voice his or her opinion about a topic with uncharacteristic bravado, especially if that opinion is derogatory in some way.  The first is liquor.  The second is the opportunity to express comments under the cloak of anonymity, a concept with which I am all too familiar. 

Specifically, I am speaking of an article published in the Columbia Tribune on Sunday that expressed concerns about a city-commissioned survey conducted to determine the effectiveness of the GetAbout program whose mission is to raise awareness and participation in alternative, non-motorized transportation.  The original article suggests that the GetAbout program has not resulted in increases in non-motorized transport and in fact states that fewer COMO citizens are cycling or walking these days.

To emphasize the article's point, the editors chose to publish a picture of a solitary, lonely looking, wet bicycle outside a Methodist Church.  I wasn't even aware that Methodists were allowed to ride bicycles, so wonder if this one is owned by a defecting Lutheran, or something....

The problem is, the agency that conducted the study (St. Louis-based research firm Philips and Associates) did so via land-line telephone only.  The response piece, authored by Robert Johnson, demonstrates how this inherently skews any data obtained. By polling a sub-population of COMO citizens that owns land-line telephones, the surveyors also preferentially selected homes inhabited by an older population.  (Research has shown that inhabitants of homes with land lines are older than the average population of a community). This explains why the average age of those surveyed (55 years) was older than the average age of COMO citizens.

Interestingly, further research has shown that the older-than-85 demographic is evenly distributed among those using tin cans and string, smoke signals and carrier pigeon.

Based on experiences in other cities that have seen rises in cycling advocacy and practice, it's believed that alternative transportation may be more likely adopted and practiced by a younger population.  Thus, the survey didn't get an accurate representation of the current trends  in Columbia, and the data is flawed and misleading.  Furthermore, Johnson goes on to quote the results of research conducted by Associate Professor Stephen Sayers (co-director of scholarly activity in the Department of Physical Therapy) which actually reported an increase in cycling by 18% in 2010 documented by direct observation.  Predictably, Mr. Johnson's article evoked some colorful reponses:

jefnmel (anonymous) says....

"Get a life. There are so many other worthwhile casues [sic] to put your energy towards than trying to justify your disdain for anything with an engine."

themorethingschange (anonymous) says...

"Robert, please hop on your bike and pedal out of town.  Intentions may have been good, but the reality is that an obscene amount of public money was wasted trying to convince people to bike or walk to work.  The outcome was totally predictable to anyone with an ounce of common sense.  And speaking of a younger demographic, there is an expression they no doubt would use to describe this deal: Fail."

As Mr. Johnson is likely not allowed to respond to these anonymously-posted comments, I hope he doesn't mind if I do, as I feel particularly qualified to do so based on the following: 1) I am under 55 years of age, 2) like the Tribune commenters, I too, am anonymous and 3) I possess exactly one ounce of sense, no more and no less.

I could start my response to 'jefnmel' and 'thremorethingschange's arguments by suggesting the bigger waste of money in this entire story was whatever the city of Columbia paid the St. Louis research firm to conduct a worthless study....or I could suggest that commenter  'themorethingschange'   probably has a land-line phone and is thus forbidden to use the word "fail" to describe anything other than the inadequate response to their Geritol and Centrum Silver....but instead, I think I will match their anonymously-posted, but well-crafted arguments with one of my own:

And I'd also like to take this moment to reiterate that in no way, shape or form am I suggesting or condoning that older people actually make the en masse switch to cell phones as a means of communication.  Speaking from personal experience, my mother now has an iphone and is learning how to text, and this frightens me.

Anyway - speaking of riding your bike and talking on the phone, I stumbled upon this today.

This photo is depicting a helmet with a built-in Bluetooth allowing you to make those important phone calls (or responding to critical phone surveys) while riding.  Of course, only cyclists under 55 will likely be able to master this complex technology.  However, that will probably result in the over 55 crowd being hit by cars far less frequently as their left ears won't be completely deafened to the sounds of oncoming traffic.  On the upside, the resulting shift in average age of cyclist could help the accuracy of the next phone survery to be conducted. 

Accepting risk: Mounting cougars and getting "fased"

Most cyclists accept the fact that riding a bicycle is subject to certain risks.  Examples would include getting hit by a car, slipping on an icy patch out on a frozen trail, or filming a BikeSkills instructional video:

Today I've learned that an additional threat to Missouri cyclists might be the odd encounter with a cougar.  No, not this kind of cougar...

This kind of cougar:

Yesterday, the Columbia Tribune reported that the body of a cougar that was killed Sunday in Ray County was brought to the Missouri Department of Conservation officials here in COMO.  The young male had climbed a tree where it was shot in the head by the landowner.  According to the story, the animals are protected in the state, but can be killed if they present a danger to livestock or people, and the farmer that shot him claimed the cougar had killed one of his cattle.  A full necropsy on the animal is planned, including examinination of its stomach contents so that the Conservation officers can learn more about the animals living in Missouri.  On a side note, I'm a little curious as to what happens if the cougar's stomach is found to not be full of cow, but rather something a little smaller and easier for a young male cougar to hunt.  At any rate, I for one, will feel much, much safer riding out in the country now that this threat has been eradicated......The Missourian is reporting that according to one resource scientist with the Department,

"The cat will be mounted and put in a nature center somewhere in the state.....It's a great opportunity to educate."

There's nothing like the educational opportunities to be had from mounting a cougar. 

Speaking of things that will sit around and collect dust needlessly, a COMO man needs our help as was announced in craigslist yesterday:

mens bike wanted (como)

"all right guys, i need some help, my lovely girlfriend come up with this great idea we need bikes ! shes bought hers but i refuse to in hopes this is just a fase shes going through, I need a mens bike in great shape ! i know someone has on takin up space thats not being used ! help me out to make her happy ! text me at 573-XXX-XXXX, again, I AM NOT going to buy, I am simply looking for one that is no longer being used, in the way or simply unwanted, i know someone can help, Thanks"

Yes, let's hope this gentleman's lady is just going through a 'fase'.  I'd hate to see what happens if the two get truly obsessed with the sport.  Before long, he will be guilting us into giving him new upgrades and components that we might have laying aournd our home shops left and right.

And while we're on the topic of being 'fased' by things....this photo caught my eye today over at cyclingnews regarding team Quick Step's recent training camp and promotional photos taken for their new sponsor, Innergetic, a mattress company.  Sure, there is the semi-erotic slant to the photo of the Quick Step boys all sleeping on one another back-to-front while wearing their rubber pants (not that there is anything wrong with that), but what is more disconcerting to me is the appearance of the top half of a human head floating around Niki Terpstra's left thigh.

My best guess is that Quick Step hired themselves a new midget soigneur to help out with post-ride rubdowns.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I suppose he could work pretty efficiently if you didn't mind getting your massage while standing, but you'd have to lie on the floor for him to work on you lying down.  I need to stop thinking about this...it's "fasing" me out.

Cycling in Missouri: Meet your Governor, meet your neighbor

It's Friday and the day before the Pedaler's Jamboree - a celebration of cycling in Missouri.  I should be posting the typical "Friday Mail" segment, but in light of the cycling festivities about to go down this weekend, I thought I would instead shed some light on the amazing cycling atmosphere that Missouri has become by highlighing a couple of news stories from the week. 

Here's what Cyclingnews is reporting on this morning in our state:

Chris Aronhalt, Managing Partner of Medalist Sports was quoted as saying, "Yes, we have pulled out of the effort.  Clearly the Governor is not supportive, which means the Tour will not be successful.  In our opinion the Tour will be canclled because you don't expect a change of heart from the Governor."

Thanks Governor Nixon.  Thank you for shutting down an event that established the following:

• Direct economic impact of more than $80 million over three years
• Attracted 1.5 million spectators
• Resulted in $38 million tax revenue
• Was telecasted to viewers in 173 countries

And thank you for shutting it down without having the decency to even meet with the organizers to discuss it after they requested repeatedly to talk about it with you.  Pure class.  By the way, what will now happen to the $1 million that was earmarked for the event and approved upon by the Missouri General Assembly?

---

And thanks to the reader who tipped me off on this story which appeared in the Columbia Daily Tribune on Tuesday, May 25th.

If you've not read the article, it essentially highlights some of the dangers that riding on Route K poses because of the increasing development and traffic and lack of shoulders.  Predictably, the article wasn't nearly as enlightening as the comments that followed it.  Here are some of the people that are behind the wheel of the car behind you.....

alpha5 says....

"I can tell you crazy bikers, if I run over you cause you do not have enough sense to not ride on these types of roads and you expect to get a dime out of me... then it will be a cold day in He** and don't hold your breath, cause while you are laying in a hospital in pain because you caused the crash, I will already have my attorney start the lawsuit againist you. I can tell one thing for sure, if comes to my life or safety over yours, YOU will lose and will not lose any sleep over it."

BoCoMo says..."I also feel bikes should be banned from two lane county roads that do not have a shoulder.

Simple, the needs of the many outweight the wants of a few.
Too dangerous, you'll not convince me that we need to "share" the roads, and the tax dollars to build those roads came from drivers, not peddlers."

NotApplicable says.....
"Only homicidal/suicidal idiots ride bikes on roads like Rte. K.

Eventually, one of you will manage to kill someone, all in order to demonstrate your 'rights.'
Hopefully, a long jail sentence will ensue.
Go find a safe road. Better yet, go ride on the trail."

Daryl_Licht says....
"Here's a thought - Let the bikers share the road and ride the non-shouldered roads. Let cars share traffic with bikes on the MKT. Give guns to everyone else and we'll all be happy!"
Kurt

vsmurray says....
"Riding for transportation is a LOT different than what those Spandex clad booties are doing on Rt. O. I live close enough to work to ride my bike, but that means I would have to ride on Clark Lane. Hell no! I don't have a death wish. The only logical conclusion for me personally is that Mr. and Mrs. Spandex need to stick to safer roads and trails."
"I'm not so sure that bicyclists use these rural roads because they are scenic. There are many bike trails that are just as pretty to look at. They use them because they are hilly and good to train on. So, these bikers are putting everyone at risk to get a tight ass, firm thighs, and maybe win a race. I prefer to go to the gym for that, less stress. Oh, I do like to drive my car to Rockbridge and walk the trails out there, get all muddy and stuff. My kids like it too. Then I drive to the store, pick up some sugar and salt, and drive home to pig out. But I don't partake of tobacco. Yucky stuff. "

---

For some time, I've been contemplating the notion of this blog giving out awards for various acts to recognize their efforts in one area or another of cycling.....and I've actually been collecting names of potential recipients all along.  So today is a rather big day as I've got two individuals running neck and neck for the COMOCYCO Ass-Clown Award (or CA-CA).....Our two finalists?  Governor Nixon and Daryl_Licht......We took a vote here at COMOCYCO headquarters with the GEEC, intern Ricky, the COMOCYCO dog and me all casting our ballots and it was 3 in favor of the Governor winning the 2010 CA-CA award (the dog abstained...he's a forgiving soul).  So big congrats to our recipient!

At any rate, I hope everyone has fun at the Jamboree this weekend, or wherever your two wheels take you.....try to keep the rubber side down (ahem).  And if you are on the Jamboree ride, watch out for Daryl_Licht above who seems fairly committed to driving down the MKT with his car and guns.

CCPB

The Fugitive

"In the midst of life, we are in death."  Thankfully, I'm not dead - so let me revise this and say "In the midst of serenity, we are in chaos."  So began my day this morning.  Long story short: I was hit by a car while commuting to work on my bike this morning.  Long story long: I had just exited the MKT trail onto Elm Street, heading east into campus when the altercation took place at the intersection of 6th and Elm.

Upon approaching the intersection I slowed, noticing a woman walking across the crosswalk on the opposite side, and a white car stopped and waiting for her.  This prompted me to unclip my right shoe, and put it on the ground as I came to a complete stop.  I checked to the right and left and noticed a red minivan approaching the intersection to my right, probably 50 yards away from even reaching the stop sign.  There was nothing to my left.  Looking across the intersection again, the woman had reached the opposite side and the white car began advancing toward me in its lane. I picked up my foot, clipped in and rode into the intersection myself.  Now, what follows happened so fast that there was simply no way for me to retrieve my camera and photograph the entire thing.  Thus, using Google Earth, I've recreated the incident step by step for you in a visually representative fashion.

(This is a representative figure of me entering the intersection of 6th and Elm from the West.  Please note that I have chosen Jens Voigt to play the part of me in this reenactment.  As many stand-ins are prone to do, he has elected to take some artistic license with respect to the portrayed speed and aggressiveness with which I was crossing 6th Street. I should note that in actuality, I was not "dropping the hammer" but rather barely crawling as it was still quite early in the morning for hammer dropping, and I'm not even sure I own a hammer to drop.)

Upon reaching the middle of the intersection, I noticed out of the corner of my right eye, that the red minivan approaching the intersection was not stopping at the stop sign, and was instead rolling through it at a pretty good clip directly toward me.  Thankfully, it was also turning right, to the East, the same direction I was heading.  Thus, I swerved away from the turning van, toward the middle of the road to avoid an impact, but the van's speed and trajectory still sent it into me, like this.

At this point, I'm pretty sure I yelled an explative of the four-letter variety that begins with the letter 'F' and simultaneously reached out with my right hand, slapping it on the front corner panel of the van as it hit my thigh and began to push me.....hard.  This kind of deflected me and the van and I traveled as one across the intersection, with me still upright on the bike, feet clipped in.  The sound of my hand slapping the hood must have finally alerted the driver that he was about to kill someone and screw up a really nice bike, because the van finally came to an abrupt halt.  I too was able to brake and come to a stop without going down.  Right about then, I'm pretty sure both of my adrenal glands squeezed down to the size of rabbit turds because my heart rate shot up about 100 ticks. 

I slapped his hood again for good measure, and am fairly certain I yelled some more profanity as I looked through the windshield to get a glimpse of the offending party.  I could see immediately that he was an older gentleman and that he was shouting back at me.  In the midst of the shouting, I noticed a very distinctive feature about his physical appearance......

Now, I'm aware that I have a fairly good imagination, and like to bend reality from time to time.  For example, I like to pretend the following: 1) that I'm a good cyclist, 2) that this blog doesn't suck that bad and 3) the fact that I owned every Duran Duran album in the 80's doesn't bring into question my heterosexuality.  Such self-delusion has gotten me through many of life's little trials, and I doubt I can stop now.  However, what I'm about to tell you is the absolute truth.  The driver of the van only had one arm, just like the guy in the movie "The Fugitive."

Only my guy was not wearing a prosthesis and I could clearly see him waving his stump at me.  At this point, I noticed that I was beginning to shake a bit and rode in front of the resting van over to the sidewalk and once again, stopped my bike to try to gather myself.  And by that I mean I needed to check my chamois for the Hershey squirts.  During mid-gathering, he sped off down the rode and I never even thought to look to get his license plate number.  A number of kind pedestrians asked if I was OK, and in fact, yes I am fine.  Just a little flipped out.

On monday, "Spokes Man" Robert Johnson wrote an article in the Columbia Tribune on how "Obeying traffic laws is a two-way street".  As you can imagine, the resulting commentary was quite colorful, but one reader's response in particular stuck in my head after this morning's run-in.

"dreamer0717" stated....."Every time I see bicyclists on weekends they are.....running through stop signs and red lights as though it was OK and pretty much ignoring every bike safety guideline....Perhaps PedNet could get out of Ward 1 long enough to educate the rest of the residents on safe biking and courtesy when riding the streets.  Focusing on select areas of the city and then writing a column about their work is pretty much "in my face" as I see it."

I bet PedNet cannot get in his face as much as the grill of a red minivan blowing a stop sign got in mine this morning.  I just looked down at my hand and noticed the dirt from the minivan's hood still caked on my sleeve.  I got lucky.  Be safe, kids......and watch out for the one-armed man driving a red minivan with my hand print on the hood.

CCPB

Dropping the hammer: A tale of two temperatures.

I'm aware that some of you out there may not live in Columbia, Missouri (midwestern Mecca of the bicycle), so I thought I would update those non-COMO residents with a few things we here in mid-Missouri are dealing with.  First, the current weather situation.

If you follow the green arrow to its tip, you will see a rough estimation of current wind chill factors for COMO.  Makes for some tough cycling to be sure.  But does it?  Standardly, if one braved this weather on their bike, say, to commute into work for example, it was only a subjective guess of how 'epic' the ride really was...or how much 'suffering' truly was incurred when one was bragging about said ride with their office mates around the proverbial water cooler.  But this problem has now been solved by a handy chart provided by the good folks at cyclocosm.com which allows you to calculate, and thus objectively determine your cycling commitment and level of suffering in cold weather taking into account both sustained wind speed and temperature.  The weather conditions are stratified into "Jens Factor" units and range from 1 to HC (hors categorie).

For your benefit, I calculated what the Jens Factor would be if you rode in to work this morning and marked it on the chart with a green 'X'.  We are definitely in the midst of Jens Factor HC territory which states:
Overview - suicidal heroism.  Apparel required:  Spacesuit.  Conditions: Apocalyptic, biblical, hardcore.

Secondly, non-COMO residents may also be unfamiliar with the regular column in the Columbia Tribune newspaper called 'Trib Talk' which allows COMO citizens to rant and rave about whatever they like.  On Sunday, Tribune editor Jim Robertson assembled the best-of-the-best Trib Talk comments for 2009, and  not surprisingly, many had to do with cyclists.

May 2:  "Do we have two diametrically opposed ideas going on here? We've got $23 million or whatever for the pedal group, and now we've got a $15 million parking ramp going up for cars.  Now, which do you want? Do you want me to ride my bike or drive my car, or should I just do both?

July 30: "I am tired of all this ranting and raving about bicyclists when it's pedestrians who are the real problem.  Nothing gets on my nerves more than when I'm driving downtown and have to wait for some gawking walker yakking into a cell phone and dawdling across the crosswalk when I have places to go.  Even families, no doubt groggy from a heavy meal of macaroni and cheese and hamburgers, can't get the lead out and get across the dang street.  Don't they see my signal?  It's even worse when you're two cars back and some tramp slows to a crawl while scoping Elly's Couture at 100 yards and you know you're not going to get through the light.  Don't get me started on the handicapped.  Don't they have buses to take those people where they need to go?"

Nov 18: "I have a question.  Us drivers can't honk at bike riders, we can't honk at pedestrians or grandmas in wheelchairs.  Can I honk at a deer looming at my headlights when driving?"

The last one I've chosen for you today has absolutely nothing to do with cycling.  I just couldn't resist.

April 24:  "This is for all you anti-gun, bleeding-heart liberal Democrats: I don't know about gun lovers, but mine is for self-preservation, be it human or animal.  I'm not going to be a statistic for anyone.  Six things I believe in:  I'm a Christian, I'm an American, I'm heterosexual, I'm pro-gun and I'm a conservative.  When the hammer drops, the bullshit stops.  Any questions?"

To which Robertson replies:  "That's five things."

So what are we to learn from this?  If these comments represent the sentiments of the average COMO citizen then people here seem to be generally frustrated that they (in order)

1) do not have access to parking ramps for their bikes,

2) are not allowed to run over the handicapped with their cars

3) are unclear about the civil rights of Cervidae

4) are having difficulties counting to six

That said, they do appear to be quite certain that when the proverbial hammer drops, the bullshit, indeed will stop.  Speaking of dropping the hammer and then stopping to shit, I thought it was time for a Lance update.  Aside from getting to winter train in Hawai'i (which, incidentally, has a Jens Factor of minus 10), one of the many other perks of being Lance Armstrong is that you have access to state of the art equipment in virtually every area of cycling.  Take for example a new direction of physiologic monitoring that he and Allen Lim are exploring involving the regular examination of his core body temperature.  Now if either you or I or members of say, Team Astana, wanted to monitor our body temperature during training, we'd be forced to go old-school and pop a thermometer under our tongue - or maybe use one of those ear probes.  Not Lance.  Lance is going inside on this job by swallowing a sensor in pill-form which will travel deep into his intestines and send back the vital data to a receiver.  Here's Lance about to pop the pill.

But the pill is only as good as the receiver reading the results, so they called in exercise physiologist, Dr. Stacy Sims to do the honors.  Now, one would think that with all of this fancy technology, the data would be able to be uploaded to a satellite and  fired around the planet so they could read the results back at RadioShack headquarters on the mainland.  Not so, and in fact, poor Dr. Sims still has to go backside.

Ok, so maybe she didn't have to go all the way backside, but still....

So I'm left with two questions...

First - Does another PhD have to fish the little pill out of the toilet when it's made its way through LA? Second - If the little pill had a camera on it - what would it reveal inside LA's stomach?  Perhaps a tiny, half-digested action figure of AC that Lance uses like a dog's chew toy for inspiration?

And out of curiosity, I contacted the people at Cyclocosm.com who have provided me with the information for training in Hawai'i at a Jens Factor of minus 10:  Overview: Sheer delight.  Apparel:  Board shorts or bikini, flip flops.  Conditions: Chance of warm, sunny day=95% - don't forget your sunglasses.

The boys over at Team Sky are also dropping the hammer on some new technology of their own which they revealed yesterday at the team launch party.  For 2010, they will be testing an alternative to current bicycle helmets.  It comes in the form of a new kind of hair shellac which forms their own hair into a protective shell, stronger than currently produced bicycle helmets, thus obviating their use entirely.  Here's a picture of Wiggins, Lovkvist and Boasson Hagen demonstrating them at the party, courtesy of Cyclingnews.

Stay warm everyone...

Pedal on!

May The Force be with you!

Christmas brought some snow to Columbia, which, despite impeding my personal cycling habits, is still not necessarily an unwelcome site to my northener eyes.  Missouri winter weather also seems to have pleased Mr. Paul Mazan of Rocheport who recently wrote into the Columbia Tribune:

"Where have all the sunshine patriots gone who were going to free us from dependence on imported oil, reduce their carbon footprint end global warming and clean up our air?  Surely these people whom the city, in its infinite wisdom, has seen fit to make a "special class" of citizens, immune from being yelled at, honked at or roundly cursed, haven't abandoned their holier-than-thou attitude and taken to their automobiles to avoid the discomfort of riding in the rain and freezing weather!"

Not that I have any allusion that Mr. Mazan reads this blog, but should he somehow stumble upon it, I want him to rest assured that I, for one, have not abandoned my "holier-than-thou" attitude that my "special class" status has afforded me.  It is this power, and occasionally only this, that truly allows me to deflect the jeers, and curses of individuals like him while on my bike, rather than the appreciated, but largely ceremonial, anti-harassment ordinance.

But as much as Mr. Mazan wishes to convince us of his distaste for fair-weather cyclists, and perhaps cycling itself, his name betrays the possible rich cycling heritage that may run deep in his blood.  If my geneaology serves me correctly, the name Mazan, is French in origin and is shared by a town in the Vaucluse department (or region) of France whose most notable landmark is Mont Ventoux, one of the most famous road cycling mountain climbs in all of France.  Here's a picture of Marco Pantani winning the stage atop Ventoux in front of Lance Armstrong wearing the maillot jaune in 2000.

But Monsieur Mazan knows all of this already and is just being cheeky with us, methinks.  But speaking of "holy attitudes" and "special classes," I recently noticed some other writings of special cycling cults with mysterious powers while perusing a page on BikeReviews.com that reviewed the history of the fixed gear bike.  As part of the article, the author makes specific mention of some of the standard features on today's fixie:

"Most fixed gear bikes do not feature breaks...."

I'm guessing this fixie cyclist, who videotaped himself attempting a brakeless skid stop, would disagree with that statement.

I'm obviously giving the folks at bikereview.com the 'business' for misspelling 'brakes' as 'breaks'. This really isn't fair of me at all since it detracts from the impact of the following statements the author makes regarding the use of brakes on fixed-gear bikes.

"In fact, riding without brakes has developed an almost cult status in certain places.  This is due to the perception by some riders that brakes are not needed when riding with intense concentration."

Are we to surmise from this that by simply concentrating on slowing and stopping, some fixie riders may will themselves to do so, as though they have The Force?  And that by executing said Force-like powers, they may find themselves achieving admission into a special cult?  Perhaps this explains why Andy Schleck crashed his bike into a car that crossed in front of him on Saturday, while heading out for a training ride.  Andy was quoted as saying,

"A car crossed in my path and pulled right across me.  I couldn't avoid the crash.  I didn't have the speed on but I couldn't avoid it."

Clearly, this was a case of him not concentrating intensely enough.  Even though he didn't have "the speed on", he also obviously didn't have his 'Yoda' on.  But this isn't that surprising, really.  When you take the time to look at some photos of Andy, he frequently looks rather confused and dare I say, unfocused.

Here, in two photos, we can see Andy disoriented and reaching out with his right hand, elbow flexed, palm askew, confusedly questioning the direction in which he is supposed to go.  This is not the sort of Force-like intense concentration that is required should he wish to be able to mentally command his bike to slow or even stop.  Why, even this young Jedi-in-training knows how to direct the Force as seen in the advertisments for the new toy called the Star Wars Force Trainer which supposedly trains concentration.

Andy, take note:  The elbow is extended and the palm faces downward.  The mouth is not agape, but rather the lips are pursed. 

I just ordered my own Force Trainer, because I want to see if it can teach me some mad Jedi Force skilz to help me levitate my bike over the snow drifts...

Pedal on!

Reinventing the wheel

If there is one thing Columbia has no shortage of, it's a general disdain from a segment of this community toward cyclists.  Take some comments published in the Tribune this week in response to the city not approving the installment of surveillance cameras downtown.

"Well everybody needs to stand up and take note of what happened last night in Columbia with the city council.  They decided not to put up the cameras downtown for surveillance, but yet they were all in favor of voting for the bicycle ordinances.  So what does this tell us?  They are more concerned with people who ride bicycles than the consensus of the general public...."

"I was hearing that the eggheads of our city council voted no on the cameras again.  Seems to me like $50,000 is not really that bad for putting cameras downtown to keep people safe.  Hell, they blew more money than that on those stupid bike lines.  What's wrong with them eggheads down there?  Don't they care about people's safety in Columbia?  Man, this place is beginning to be a real crap town to live in, I'll tell you that."

Interestingly, there was not even any discussion of bike ordinances at this particular council meeting when the issue of cameras was brought forth.  It thus seems as though the well of cycling hatred has become a  depository in which the ladel of blame may be dipped for any public gripe.  Escalating crime in the city?  Well, if the eggheads hadn't spent so much money on those silly bike lanes, we could have afforded to pay more police.  Small businesses hurting?  Well, if those damned cyclists would quit riding and start shopping more, we probably wouldn't be in this mess!  And speaking of "crap town", are park grounds being overwhelmed with dog feces?  Well, if those damned morons on bikes weren't riding around all the time, then dogs would magically stop crapping.

Furthermore, surveillance cameras don't make people safe....people not hurting other people makes people safe.  And aside from the packs of naked ninja riders roaming the streets, I've not heard of any bicycle gangs or marauding bands of cycling pirates pillaging the city (although it does kind of sound like fun if they let you actually dress like a pirate). 

Perhaps what enrages non-cyclists so much is the rudimentary status of the mode of transportation which we so love.  For example, just before Thanksgiving, I had to make a last minute run to the grocery store to get ready for a large dinner I was preparing.  I was running late and therefore in a big hurry.  As I entered the check out line at the store with some tomatoes, a couple blocks of asiago cheese and a large toilet plunger, I received some strange looks from fellow shoppers.  But if I have learned anything in my time on this planet, it's that nothing clogs a toilet like the holidays.  At any rate, in the checkout lane, I found myself behind a middle aged woman who had purchased enough food to feed Team RadioShack for, perhaps not the Tour de France, but certainly enough for the Dauphine.  When it came time to pay, she slowly withdrew the billfold from her macrame purse and began paying in bills and change: actual paper currency and small metallic disks.  I got increasingly anxious as she meticulously fumbled through the archaic legal tender, making sure she had the exact amount.  I thought to myself, "Come on, lady - bust out the plastic - swipe it - and let's go!"  But perhaps this is how drivers feel when trapped behind me riding my velocipede up Chapel Hill?

Well, lucky for everyone then, must be the new cycling development that MIT researchers released at the Copenhagen Conference on Climate Change called the Copenhagen Wheel.

Carlo Ratti, director of the MIT SENSEable City Laboratory and the Copenhagen Wheel project says about the wheel, "It's sort of like 'Biking 2.0' - whereby cheap electronics allow us to augment bikes and convert them into a more flexible, on-demand system."  What would any modern endeavor be, after all, without cheap electronics and on-demand capabilities?

What this device does is recuperate the kinetic energy otherwise wasted during the act of braking, which then is used to power the rear wheel at a later time, for example if you need some help pedalling up a hill.  In addition to that, the wheel is a veritable iPhone with a wealth of other gadgetry to monitor speed, direction, distance traveled, air pollution and the location of the cyclist's friends.  And speaking of iPhones, all these actions are coordinated and managed through an app on an iPhone (of course) that is mounted to the stem.

One of the major marketing ploys of the new wheel is the ability to accrue "Green Miles" which is the new term to refer to the miles ridden on your existing cheapo CATEYE bicycle computer.  With the "Green Miles" program, you can upload your ride and miles totalled to a social networking site, and thus brag to your cycling companions.  They liken this to a 'frequent fliers' program minus the opportunity to get loaded on gin in the hospitality "crown room" prior to boarding your flight.  Time may prove me wrong, but I think we need another social networking site like Lance needed that other testicle.  The first one seems to be doing the trick.

As we learned earlier in the week, marketing your bike or bike product with the use of models that might resemble the projected purchaser is important, and the folks at SENSEable City Lab have done just that by retrofitting the Copenhagen wheel onto a Cinelli fixed gear ridden by a scarfed, European blonde woman in knee-high boots for the online promos:

Of course, for this young lady, other successful and less expensive modes of powering her bicycle up a hill would be to ditch the boots and not be riding a fixed gear in the first place. 

So the question remains of who exactly is the target market for a device that the inventors have labeled as one which will "Transform your ordinary bicycle into a hybrid E-bike..."  Ratti has called this advancement "sort of like Biking 2.0...." which has brought forth some geniused ribbing from BSNYC.  If the Copenhagen Wheel is "biking 2.0", then I'm guessing carbon frames must be somewhere around a "1.8", gear technology would have to be "biking version 1.4" so that would mean "biking 1.0" would have to have been....

Now that would be something to see on a surveillance camera....

Pedal on!

Ninja Riders

About a week ago, Robert Johnson, aka "SPOKES MAN" over at the ColumbiaTribune wrote an interesting article entitled "Shine a light on ninja riders" which I think deserves a little more attention.

The first paragraph lays out the premise for the article:

"There is a creature roaming the streets of Columbia that strikes fear into the hearts of motorists and responsible bicyclists alike - the "ninja rider."  Ninja riders are bicyclists who ride at night without lights and, like real ninjas, travel through our communitry barely visible."

Of course, Mr. Johnson is completely correct that riding a bike at night without lights is ridiculously risky, but the part of this opening paragraph which really scared me was the notion in the second sentence that "real ninjas" are travelling through our community, and that they are barely visible!  Was anyone else aware of this?  I thought this must just be a device Mr. Johnson created for his article, but then I found this here.

It seems like this is the real thing.

I think, in general, ninja's probably get a pretty bad rap - as like the rest of us, they are just trying to make a living and bring home the bacon.  Admittedly, for them, this generally means via killing people, but hey - who am I to judge?  But what is really creepy, is if what Mr. Johnson says is true, then ninjas could be walking amongst us - and be barely visible with the use of their ninja skills and clothes which facilitate quick concealment.  Take these new cycling jackets I stumbled upon that allow quick conversion from average bike commuter to cycling ninja in a mere seconds.

But ninja apparel isn't the real challenge, I'm guessing.  it's the ninja's bike, which also must be stealthy and easily concealed in the dark of the night.  Where can the cycling assasins find such a thing?  Look no further than Aurumania, who makes the "Night Bike."

With 24k gold-plated spokes, it has to be a fixed gear, as I'm guessing most cycling ninjas are actually hipster-outcasts who fell out of the fold of the skinny-jeaned urban cyclist cult once their daddies cut off their bank accounts, but yet still possess mad fixed gear riding skilz.  Note the complete absence of all reflectors and lights....

Like many companies, I assumed Aurumania may use models to pose with their bicycles as part of the marketing strategy to appeal to the kinds of cyclists that are most likely to identify with their bikes.  Therefore, I searched the photo gallery portion of their website to try to find some downloadable images of actual ninjas riding their bikes, and sure enough, I stumbled upon one.

I think Mr. Johnson may have gotten the concept of the modern cycling ninja all wrong.  Perhaps they follow the instincts of their hipster roots, and take the minimalist approach that they favor for their bikes: no gears, no brakes, no reflectors, no lights, and now....no clothes....but apparently a very large fro.  So instead of being "barely visible", they are in fact just "bare."

And I may be mistaken, but this particular ninja looks a LOT like a 1972 version of Levi Leipheimer.

I used my CSI-like, high-tech photo enhancing techniques to further examine if in fact, Levi has become the new covert spokesman for the naked-ninja cyclist movement.

This thing just keeps getting creepier by the minute.

I think we would all do wise to follow Mr. Johnson's advice on this one, and beware the cycling ninja, elusive creature of the night.  He carries neither light, nor shame.  God knows where he keeps his extra tube in case of punctures.

Pedal on!