Spring lust: brakes, nipples and greed!

I'm sure most of you are enjoying the amazing spring weather that has come to COMO every bit as much as I have lately.  Long stretches of sun-drenched pavement through the countryside beckon to us as we sit in our offices.  If you are headed along a southern route, brace yourself for gale force winds and the sound of air buffeting off of your eardrums....but if you have chosen a northern route, your ride will be greeted by the chirping of song birds and frogs, singing the gleeful songs of love.  Yes, spring is in the air, and brought with it the sweet, dulcet notes of horniness to animals and cyclists alike. One need look no further than the recent flurry of "Missed Connection" notices on craigslist to prove it.

"On my way to pick up some groceries today, I saw you after your bike ride.  You had a purple shirt on.  Just wanted to let you know that you had a fantastic body.  Great motivation to continue working out."

Honestly, who amongst us wouldn't like to hear that we look fine in our purple cycling jerseys, and I imagine if the lucky woman in this post discovered this complement on craigslist, she was likely flattered.  Then there is this one...

"Here goes nothing.....i passed you today, going in different directions, in front of memorial hall, you gave me a cute smile and we made eyes for a good while.  if you think this is you, feel free to reply, we were both on road bikes, mine is an interesting color, if you have an idea, tell me what color."

This cyclist is playing the coy game of making his object of desire try to guess the "interesting color" of his road bike.  What is fascinating is that both of these CL posts illustrate how cyclists, like many species of animal, like to use colorful displays, whether it be plumage, or jersey color, to attract those that might be looking.  Take Rinaldo Nocentini and the common North American Bluebird.  Say what you will, but the color seems to be working....

Thus, I wasn't that surprised when I stumbled upon this colorful bike downtown the other day.

What could be more "springy" then a brilliant kelly green fixie complete with deep-V rims?  I could also not help but notice that this particularly flamboyant bicycle was making no attempt to conceal its brazenly red anodised nipples.

I was also fairly intrigued to notice that this particular fixie was also sporting some brakes.  I decided to move in for a closer look.

Despite this Faggin Fixie having some rather nice Shimano Ultegra brakes, there was no cable attached to them.  I had to ponder on this awhile, but now I fear this might signal a new fixie trend.  Past might be the days when brakes were simply seen as interfering with the clean lines or the purity of the ride associated with the nu-fixed gear bike, and were thus removed.  Perhaps some looked at the brakeless fixie rider as being an individual without the financial resources to actually afford brakes.  And although the classic nu-fixie rider likes to appear penniless, rarely is the case.  Thus, in a new demonstration of plumage display, I wonder if we will see an emerging trend of fixies decorated with non-functioning high-end components to ensure onlookers that yes, they can afford them, they just choose not use them.  What could be next? Fixies with Campy Super Record carbon derailleurs?  Really, what is the difference between this and those animals who possess entirely useless vestigial structures but yet retain them merely for sexual display, such as the male peacock's tail, or Filipo Pozzato's nipples.

That said, all of these things are used as part of the game of attracting a mate, whether you be an animal, Fillipo Pozzato or a cyclist.  And notice I used the singular form of the word "mate."  Because in the warmth of a beautiful spring day, some have the tendency to get greedy.

"Random encounter with ice cream eating unicyclist - 28 (Yogurt shop w/Ice cream).  Met you four girls at the yogurt shop, we talked for a really long time, but never exchanged contact info!  I am remiss.  I had hoped to catch up with you soon at some future date, email me if you catch this."

Clearly, this guy is compensating for the fact that he only has one good wheel to ride on by trying to land four girls simultaneously.....I have it on good authority that when frogs get really worked up in springtime, they will also try this rather gluttonous behavior....it never ends well. 

What starts out as fun and games always leave someone losing a flipper.  Ladies, beware of the yogurt-eating, polygamous unicyclist...especially if his unicycle is sporting a Dura Ace electronic groupset and red aluminum nipples.

Positively chuffed!

Occasionally, my day job resembles a giant black hole from which nothing can escape....light, time and sanity all fall prey to the impressive suction it commands.  Such has been the case recently which has resulted in a great dearth of writing (much to the happiness of many, I'm sure).  The frustration of the continuous ebbing and flowing 'time-suck' of my job is a constant frustration.  But how many of us can claim that we actually wake up in the morning utterly thrilled to be going to work?  Maybe "Pippo" Pozzato, who by the way, had an excellent showing at Milan San Remo this past weekend.  He didn't win, but attacked like a bulldog with a tenacity previously unseen by him.  Maybe it was the morning cupcakes.

Seriously...Maybe I would enjoy my job a lot more if someone would feed me cupcakes upon arriving at work first thing in the morning like this.  Especially if they were these I noticed on MSN this morning.

(yes - that's bacon and chocolate)

It's during times of work or life-related frustration that I, like many, turn to cycling as a distraction...something to look forward to...as an outlet to consume the otherwise mind-numbing portion of my day.  Occasionally, however, distraction turns to obsession and that gets a little creepy.  Like the way some obsess over the construction and intricate details of what was always meant to be a mode of transportation to the point where the outcome is something they'd rather not even ride,  but rather shine repeatedly while whispering sweet nothings into its single, fixed gear.

I found this picture on fixed gear gallery, and what is impressive is that the builder felt the need to add some photshopped-rendered angellic wings prior to posting the photo as if to further emphasize the higher existential plane this bike has achieved.  The owner further comments:

"I don't imagine I'll use this too often as it's a bit too shiny to lock up anywhere....it's been a 5 month project mainly because I waited so long for the frame.  Really chuffed with it...."

Part of the beauty of blogging is the impact it has on my vocabulary, which is really just a nice way of saying that I am repeatedly reminded of just why it was that I scored so low on the grammar portion of my SATs.  More specifically, prior to reading the aforementioned quote, I was unfamiliar with the term "chuffed" which I've since learned can have one of two definitions:

1. chuffed (intr.v. - past tense) To produce or move with noisy puffing or explosive sounds.

2. chuffed (adj) Brit slang: pleased or delighted.

It appears as though "chuffed" is quite versatile and thus can be used in more than one way in a single sentence, as in,  "Having eaten too much chili and feeling ill, Randall was still chuffed and rather impressed with how he chuffed through the night."  Or combining this with other recently learned words, one might say "I am non-chuffed with the recent niggle I've developed in my left knee since raising my saddle."

I happened upon another useless, and yet somehow aesthetically pleasing item the other day as well.

Any guesses as to what these are?  Yes - they are made by Chris King, and no they are not phallic fertility symbols to ward off the flaccid evils of riding nosed saddles.  If you guessed "specially crafted Chris King $75 espresso tampers," however, you would be correct.

And to think, all this time I've been using an old converted Cane Creek headset to press my beans. My palette will likely never be the same.  It takes a special kind of person that requires the feel of a Chris King headset in their hand while they are tamping their espresso. I'm guessing this kind of person may also be positively chuffed about owning a pair of miniature leather saddle bags to drape over their quill stem to carry credit cards and lipstick as was recently spotted at the North American Handmade Bike Show.

To each their own...and should people wish to lavish their bikes (or espresso bars) with frivolous accessories, who am I to judge?  Why, some of the most famous professional cyclists in today's peloton have enjoyed adorning their lives with frivolous accessories....

Hand made bikes: Teabagging your ownership

As many of you already know, the North American Hand Made Bicycle Show (NAHMBS) went down this past weekend in Richmond, Virginia.  If you are not familiar with the NAHMBS, it is essentially a gathering of cycling fetishism.  There you can find individuals who dedicate themselves to hand-crafting lugs, hammered fenders and personalizing their bicycle ownership with creative new ways.  Curious, I sought out some news about the event on PezCycling and saw a report on some featured leather bar wrap made by a company named HandleBra.  Visiting the company's homepage, I learned that the product's slogan is "Wait 'till you put your hands on this!"

Apparently the folks at PEZ were as equally as excited about it as they claim:

"In fact, the grip is so skin friendly that folks were considering it a pleasurable option for things beyond bikes...."

And following this suggestion, the author placed this photo:

I don't know about you, but I find is slighty disconcerting that the HandleBra company rep holds his wrapped handlebar demo in front of his crotch, laciviously tempting passers by to follow the company slogan and "Put your hands on this!"  And what exactly is the PEZ author refering to when he suggests that the "skin-friendly" wrap could be "pleasurable" for other things.  Obviously, when one (and by that I mean ME) considers "pleasurable things" one thinks of genitalia.  So instantly, I considered that the "skin-friendly" HandleBra wrap would be a huge hit for someone wishing to learn that 'leg-over the handlebar, skid stop' fixie trick that is all the rage these days.  I'm sure this move has its own name, but honestly, I could care less.

In a sense, this rider is essentially tea-bagging his own handlebar, which might lead to significant testicular chafing, especially if the cut of denim in his skinny jeans is extra coarse.  Problem solved.  Before commencing on the tea-bagging skid stop, hipsters now can unzip and allow their testicles to rest directly upon the "skin-friendly" handlebars instead of the non-wrapped, polished chrome that this fellow is dry-humping.  Or they can simply add brakes to their bike, and stop slinging their legs over the handlebars to begin with.  Because, after all, exteriorizing one's genitals upon one's bike sounds like it would be fairly cumbersome, and not just a little weird.  Not so, apparently, as a reader recently sent me the link to an entire website called "Teabags on Toptubes" which is dedicated to the art of scrotal recumbency upon bicycles and is definitely not safe for work.  Upon this site you will see pictures of men resting their gamete factories upon bicycles of various kinds, as an act of "ownership", or so says the site.  I've rendered this particular photo (which demonstrates the act) safe for work with a strategically placed fezzed-Shatner.

One can only imagine how much more comfortable this particular gentleman's scrotal area would be had he chosen to wrap his bars with HandleBra Performance Wrap rather than cork prior to 'owning' it with his junk.

The male gender of any species tends to be possessive of objects and often wishes to declare ownership in one way or another, so perhaps this particular act should not be that surprising.  For example, the alpha male wolf urinates on the bushes surrounding a favorite hunting ground or his den, thus denoting the boundaries of his terrirory.  So too, is it important for many men to mark their bicycles as their own.  This may be most important in situations of bike sharing, where many individuals may wish to use a public bike, thus causing the male cyclist to claim one for his own by draping his boys across it prior to hopping on.

Apparently for some men, bicycle ownership doesn't stop at teabagging their top tubes, but rather stamping something more permanent there, while still inferring the intended meaning like this bike seen at the NAHMBS and reported by cyclingnews.

But as anyone who has frequented a tattoo parlor knows, when asking for the Chinese characters for 'Peace and Harmony' you might end up with the characters for 'Sweet and Sour Pork'.  Similarly, instead of saying "Dr. Tea", this could very well say "Place Balls Here."  And "Dr. Tea" certainly did just that with his own bag.

If one is shy about the act of teabagging one's own bike, and doesn't have the money for a fancy top tube tattoo, the alternative seems to be to hang a couple of small token representative nuts from the saddle rails to fend off the competitive male cyclists' stray eye...

Nothing says, "Back off - this is mine!" like a couple of golden balls.

Pedal on!

Superheroes: Refined by hand

Yesterday I wrote about feeling conflicted over enjoying female bicycle "pin-ups" while recognizing the complete absence of substance within such images.  Last night, however, I discovered something that has left my conflicted mind at peace:  a cycling pin-up calendar which actually serves a purpose (other than raising the seat post). 

The TyK (www.thoughtyouknew.us) Project was:

 "....created to address modern day stereotypes of women.  Frustrated with being pegged as either mechanically savvy but asexual, or cute but inept with their bikes, these PinUps showcase the dual nature that women cyclists embody."

The women featured in the calendar are everyday cyclists from Chicago and the proceeds from the sale of the calendars go directly to the Chicago Women's Health Center.  Of equal and obvious importance as helping an important organization, however, is the knowledge that I can, once again, oogle lovely women wearing unrealistic outfits, and striking uncomfortable poses with their bicycles, but now do so entirely guilt free.  Thank you TyK for returning a piece of my soul.

This year, the TyK project has also made a calendar of male cyclists, dressed as superheroes.  If the reasoning behind displaying women as pin-ups is in reaction to frustrations of female cyclists being seen as either "mechanically savvy but asexual or cute but inept" are we to gather that dressing up male cyclists as superheroes is out of frustration that we are perceived either as 'fashionably challenged yet obsessed with depilation or fond of dressing in tights but are slow?'  Of course, those are both obvious truisms where I am concerned...but beyond that, men, in general, also just like to play superheroes.  Even when they are already the fastest men in the world...like Cancellara.

So strong is the affinity between cycling and superheroes, that a Geman-based bicycle manufacturer called Fixie Inc, uses as their slogan "Cycles for Heroes."  Specializing in steel frames, they make road and cyclocross bikes, but exhibit their clear passion in fixed gears, as their name suggests.  And because they are fixie-fixated, one can imagine that their ad campaign features absolutely nothing to do with fixed-gear bikes, but rather tries to capture the enigmatic urban cycling culture.  Take the cover of their 2009 catalogue.

I'm not sure how riding a fixed gear bicycle makes one a hero (or heroine as the case may be), but it has clearly upset this poor women wearing a latex corset with pearl crucifix to the point where she is crying her mascara away.  Related to Fixie Inc. is the following: If you've not yet heard, Bicycling magazine and Colavita are sponsoring a contest to win a trip to Verona, Italy to ride in the 2010 Granfondo Eddy Merckx by describing how you incorporate olive oil into your cycling.  What does this have to do with Fixie Inc?  If you were going to say that the young lady above has to grease up with it before squeezing into that outfit, you would only be partially correct.  The real answer is that Fixie Inc. sells a singlespeed bike called "The Rusty" which comes, pre-rusted.....

...a very labor-intensive process they refer to as "refined by hand" which requires the frame to be regularly sealed with olive oil, extra virgin.  Leaving it outside in the rain for a couple months doesn't hurt either.

The folks at Fixie Inc. are clearly so obsessed with their own awesomeness, that I'm sure once they bust into the olive oil, there is much more than their rusty frames that are being "refined by hand".  But I digress......Instead of merely playing dress up (whether you be a pin-up, a hand-refined rusted bike, or superhero), some truly embody the act of a superhero, like old-school Graeme Obree who invented the 'Superman' posture while competing in the hour record, which was later adopted by Chris Boardman and used in the individual pursuit.

Because the 'Superman' position has now been banned, current competitors must ride the 4km (3km for women) in a more conventional time trial posture, which is exactly what Jack Bobridge did a couple days ago when he posted the second fastest time ever at 4:14:427.  The fastest time was established by Boardman's (4:11:114) at the 1996 World Championships but was completed using the now defunct 'Superman' position.  Could not positioning himself in the 'Superman' really explain the differences in time?  I wonder if oiling up his skinsuit with some extra virgin wouldn't shave a little more off of Bobridge's time...a little hand-refining never hurt....

Pedal on!

Dear PooBah: Friday Mail....special Gargoyle edition.

I am haunted by gargoyles. 

Gargoyles that have mystical powers of thwarting my best laid plans.  There is no other explanation.  Case in point.  Last weekend was a three-day weekend if your place of employment honors MLK day like mine did.  The weather, as you know, was freezing fog. The riding; slightly more enjoyable than having my scrotum plucked.  Tuesday, I was back at work with precious little time to ride, and what happened?  The weather broke.  Patches of sun, with warmer temperatures.  By Wednesday, we were in the midst of a tropical heat wave, with sun, blue skies, balmy temperatures and dry pavement.  I sat and observed it from inside the asylum I refer to as my job.  And the gargoyles in the heavens, who parted the clouds, giggled.  As we approach the weekend, my weather obsession once again, begins to ramp up, and as I look into that magic 8-ball that weather.com has become to me, I see this.

I can practically feel the warmth of their rotten gargoyle breath on the back of my neck from the peels of their laughter as they look over my shoulder at the forecast on my screen. My gargoyles live with me year-round but are especially excitable during periods of cabin fever.....And they are invisible to all but me.  I have discussed them at length with the GEEC, but she thinks I'm crazy....."There are no cosmic forces at work against you," she says as I spill a venti cinnamon dolce latte in my crotch.  The heat of it initially feels good, until the scalding, burning sensation takes over.  I feel like Mr. Robert Wilson as he tries to fly home from a sanitarium where he just spent the previous 6 months recovering from a nervous breakdown in the Twighlight Zone episode called Nightmare at 20,000 Feet.

Not seen it?  Nevermind......I'm not surprised.  My gargoyles are my own - no one else can see them.  I alone bear witness to their scheming.  No one was there to see me try to drink from my frozen bottle while riding last weekend, only to have the plastic literally split in half within my squeezing hand, thus showering my face and chest with ice cold water.  I looked over my shoulder to see if they were on their bikes behind me, smiling with the smug satisfaction of possums sniffing shit.

And with that dear readers, I bring you another installment of Friday Mail.  Have a good weekend, and should you hear the flutter of wings, and the gnashing of talons behind you, do not fear.  They are not hunting you.....I am forever their prey.  Rest assured, they will find me with a pinch flat in the midst of a downpour on Saturday and will ensure that the GU gel I'm about to ingest is rancid and will give me the galloping trots for the remainder of the weekend.

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Dear PooBah:

I am loving the Tour Down Under!  Did you see this photo of Allan Davis playing with a baby wallby and kangaroo?

Mike R.

Mike-

Yup, I sure did.  There is a saying that goes "A fed animal is a dead animal."  This just refers to the fact that if you feed wild animals, then they may lose the drive to fend for themselves, and thus have a poor quality of life.  Therefore, by feeding kangaroos, you are actually not allowing them to pursue the call of nature.....But then again, kangaroos might be different....

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Dear PooBah,

I used to be a junkie and my life was a waste.  But then I bought a bike, which allowed me to start riding to my religious services regularly and I've completely turned my life around....I just want all of your readers to know that cycling and the good word can work miracles!

Thanks!

Damien M.

Damien -

Fantastic news.....As a fixie rider, I bet you can bust some sweet tricks.  And I also see that you've got quite the spoke card collection.  I've got an idea.  I'm going to send you this new spoke card....put this in your wheel the next time you are hanging with your boyz and when it bursts into flames, pop a mad wheelie....it will be epic.

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Dear PooBah-

Can you settle a bet for me?  Which cyclist has the best mane of all time?  Cipo?

Thanks!

Cyndi P.

Cyndi -

Not even close.....I'm calling a tie between Roberto Gaggioli and Laurent Brochard.

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Dear PooBah:

I'm entering my first road race this spring and because I don't belong to a team, I don't know what to wear.  If I wear my replica Team Discovery pro kit, I'm going to be accused of being a poseur.  If I wear my Pink Floyd jersey, I'm going to be accused of being a Fred.  If I just wear a plain jersey, I'm going to look like a complete amateur.  Do you have any advice?

Yours -

Sheldon H.

Shel-

Several things to realize.  You are in a no-win situation.  No matter what you show up in, you will be laughed at, either blatantly or privately, but more likely, both.  Welcome to the wonderful world of cycling.  Secondly, it's best to realize now that you are all three of those things....a poseur, a Fred, and an amateur.  So am I.  This is our lot in life.  Tough titty.  So, my best advice for being in a situation in which any decision is bad, is to go in deeper....all the way.  Don't be afraid of the Fred.  Embrace the Fred.  Be the Fred, Sheldon.  And remember this....."Do or do not.....there is no try".

Pedal on!

Dear PooBah: Late Edition (but BAD ASS!)

I just checked the weather for the weekend and this is what it showed:

This makes me positively giddy with the prospect of getting some long rides in this weekend.  Perhaps not as giddy as the gentleman in this photo, however, who took a picture of his bike for fixedgeargallery.com and inadvertently captured his own shadow revealing how he pays homage to his faux wood Velocity Deep V's and gold-colored cranks.  Yes, my friend, you keep on rocking your bad-ass self.

And with that, I bring you this special edition of BAD-ASS themed Friday mail.  Let's get it on!

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Dear PooBah:

Check out the latest trend in fixies!  I'm totally ahead of the curve on this one.

Yours -

Delmar H.

Delmar-

Congrats!  You've clearly taken fixies to a new level.  With the trend of ever shortening handlebars and the absence of brakes, what is the need for a fork or even front wheel?  This is fixed gear cycling as it was always intended...I mean, just look at the simplicity of that ride. A piece of minimalistic art...By the way, your seat's too low.

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Dear PooBah,

Can you please take a look at the configuration of my ride?  I seem to get some thigh chafing on the left side from my tob tube.  Not sure how to avoid this...Any thoughts?  Thanks, man!

Robert P.

Dear Robert-

Hmmmmm this is a tough one.  I tell you - my best guess is that your seat is just a tad too low.....not TOO terribly much....but just a fuzz.  Try raising it like a centimeter tops!  You might also try removing the magazine from the tob-tube mounted Tommy gun while your ride.  I doubt this will make any difference - but it's something you might think about.

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Hey PooBah-

The next time you are in Southern Cali, you have to ride with the Chopaderos, Outlaw bicycle club!  We'll have a ride waiting for you...

Spike

Spike -

Way ahead of you man....I just ordered our intern Ricky to get a Chopaderos tattoo to show our support for your club! (P.S. - Your seat's too low.)

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Dear PooBah-

What do you think of the crocheted frame cover I made for my bike?  I even knitted a little cozy for my Krypto lock I have on my handlebars.  Be honest - or else I will have to tie you up with my Golden Lasso of Truth (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Wonder Woman

WW-

I had no idea knitting was one of Wonder Woman's skills...I have to admit, back in the day, I had a wicked crush on Lynda Carter and wished I could slow down time when she used to spin around to magically transform whatever she happened to be wearing into her superhero uniform, just to get a little peeky.  Did you know she was supposed to be an Amazon?  I think you've definitely got that part covered.  By the way - your seat's too low.

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Dear PooBah

I'm thinking of taking up road racing this season.  Do you think I'm ready?

Thanks-

Penelope H.

Penelope -

Well, I think you've got all the essentials covered....protective eyewear, breathable kit so your sweat will wick away quickly, jet propulsion and a BAD ASS attitude...what else could you need?  Seat's too low, though.

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Have a great weekend everyone, and thanks as ever for reading!

Pedal on!