Friday Mail: Putting yourself out there!

If you are unaware, this past week was Interbike - a massive cycling industry trade show held annually out in Las Vegas.  It has grown over the years and become a very important event for the bicycle industry.  But Vegas being Vegas, craziness is bound to ensue, as well as moments of odd serendipity, I suppose.  I give you this photo posted on twitter by the folks at NYVelocity.

Featuring Levi Leipheimer and Barry Bonds, this photo was captioned by the NYVelocity folks as "This conversation only needed a lemur in it to be crazier. Vegas makes no sense."

Or does it? (Cue dramatic chipmunk).

Whatever.  On with Friday mail.

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Dear PooBah-
We're so excited about Herman Cross 2011.  It's going to be EPIC!  First question - are you racing?  And second question - are you going to dress up?  We heard that some cyclists will come to cross races in costume.

See you there!
Kelly and Jacob M.

K and M-
Answers:  Firstly, Yes I'm going....yes I'm paying a fee to line up.....yes I will be wearing a number....and yes I will be attempting to pedal my ass around the course.  Does that constitute racing?  I don't think so - but I will let you be the judge.  Secondly - yes I will be dressing up.  I'm going to go with something subtle though - so make sure to keep your eyes peeled - or else you may not even notice me.

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Dear PooBah,

I consider myself a pretty crafty person and love tinkering with bicycles in my home shop.  Well, a couple of weeks ago, I got to putting some parts together from some various objects I had laying around and ended up coming up with a sweet bicycle.  My son has been after me for a new bike - so I really considered this a win-win.....The problem is, he started riding his new home-built bike to school every day - and every day is getting beat up by some bullies there.  What gives?  Do you think they are just jealous of his new wheels?

I really need some advice -

Thanks!

Simon H.

Simon,

First things first.  Get a helmet on that kid!  Secondly - you better slap a rubber ball on that unicorn's horn or else little Ricky is going to end up impaling someone and landing your ass in a lawsuit.  Thirdly - I know you're proud of your creation, MacGyver, but if you keep making your kid ride that thing to school, he's going to end up getting a tattoo like this when he grows up.

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Dear PooBah,

I am majoring in mathematics here at Mizzou and was recently given the task of completing a special group project.  We had to come up with an example of a situation demonstrating velocity, calculate the theoretical equations surrounding it and then validate our calculations by measuring the real-life re-creation of the situation.  I assumed leadership of the group and designed the experiment myself. I'm writing to you to have you check my math.  Here's the situation:  A 23-year-old, 180 pound male cyclist travelling 17mph for 25 meters rides off a ramp with a 12 degree slope in an easterly direction.  There is a  7mph wind blowing out of the northwest and the relative humidity is 75%.  Assuming the cyclist's tire pressure is 40 PSI, and he neither accelerates or decelerates as he rides up the ramp, how far will he travel in air before his tires make contact?

By the way - your answer may or may not be used as part of a legal defense. 

Thanks.

Mike T.

Mike-

Considering you are still enrolled as a student here, have you considered English lit as a major?  I don't see mathematics in your future.

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Dear PooBah,

My brother and I are touring Europe by bicycle!  But everywhere we go, I keep getting odd looks from everyone.  I'm not sure why as cycling is so much more commonly used as a means of transportation here than back in the states.  So certainly, that can't be why folks don't seem to be accepting me.  Do you have any ideas?

Thank you!

Timmy L.

Timmy,

Well you could start by taking the helmet off your backpack and putting it on your head.  Secondly - perhaps you are being too shy.  You really should try going up to people and trying to communicate more.  Most everyone in Europe speaks English - so don't be afraid to really put yourself out there - I'm sure they will love it.

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Dear PooBah,

I'm new to Columbia and am single.  I hate having to admit this - but I'm having problems with the ladies.  I love to ride, spend a lot of time out on the trail on my bike and am meeting a ton of women there - but can't get any of them to go out with me.  So I've decided to try online dating.  I just took this photo of myself as my profile pic.  Do you think this will help my chances?

Thanks, bro!

Dean B.

Bro-

No question dude.  You're a whisper away from hooking up - I can just sense it.  Just remember, women like a man who is confident - so don't be too reserved  - really show them what you've got to offer from the outset.

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Dear PooBah,

My best friend is trying to learn how to ride a bike.  I cannot believe that she doesn't know how to at this age, but I feel bad that she has never known the pleasure of flying down a street on a bicycle!  So I'm trying to help her out by teaching her how to ride just like my parents taught me.  I stand beside her and grab the rear of her saddle with one hand and then run alongside, gently pushing the bike forward as she pedals, but she still isn't getting it.  Could you provide any other techniques that might work to getting her up and going?

Thank you so much - I hate to bother you with such a silly question.

Daisy D.

Daisy-

No bother at all!  That's why I'm here after all - right?  It sure looks like you are doing everything correctly.  Just remember, practice makes perfect.  Speaking of which - I hope the street you are practicing on is nice and flat and free of traffic - that is important to make her feel more comfortable.  Listen, I'm going to email you the address for COMO CYCO headquarters....the street out front is absolutely IDEAL for this kind of thing and I'm sure it will make all the difference.

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Have a great weekend, everyone -

CCPB

Something's stinky...let's eat it.

I'm sure by now many of you have heard the big news of the day.  No, I'm not referring to the story citing evidence that Levi Leipheimer may have doped during his seventh place finish at the 2005 Tour de France.  I'm talking of the dog in Grand Rapids, Michigan that chewed off his owner's infected toe after the man had passed out from a margarita bender. 

Apparently the dog's owner Jerry Douthett had a long standing infection of his toe that continued to worsen to the point that neighborhood dogs actually came and sniffed at it like a piece of rotting garbage.  Despite his wife being a registered nurse, she apparently remained ignorant to the fact that she was sharing a bed with her husband's dead big toe and Jerry himself chose not to seek medical attention.  When he finally conceded that he needed to see a doctor, he decided to liquor himself up real good on "4 or5 beers and...two giant golden margaritas" after which he proceeded to pass out.  When he woke up, his dog, Kiko, was chewing on his toe like it was a greasy pig's ear.  Not surprisingly, Kiko's ingestion of the toe led to Jerry's hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of diabetes - a shock to them all....especially to his wife, THE REGISTERED NURSE.  So what does this all have to do with cycling you may ask?  Well, Jerry's blood glucose level was nearly as elevated as Leipheimer's "off-score" index.  An "off score" index is based on an equation considering both hemoglobin and reticulocytes (or young red blood cells).  Whereas a score of 85-95 is considered normal, a score of 133 or higher is evidence of doping.  Leipheimer's score was 132.8 according to Hans-Michel Holczer who was at the time, the team manager of Gerolsteiner, the team Levi raced for in 2005.  That year, Leipheimer finished 7th behind Lance Armstrong in the Tour and beat Jan Ulrich in the Tour of Germany.    I think I smell something else as stinky as Jerry Douthett's toe, and so did Holczer back in the day.  But unlike Kiko, he wasn't about to bite on it.

If we can gleen anything from the tale of Jerry's toe regarding the world of professional cycling, it's these two things. 

Lesson #1) Maybe dogs like Kiko could be trained to sniff doping agents like EPO and testosterone patches....however based on how Kiko tackled the sniffed toe condition, most of the pro peloton would have probably lost chunks of their nutsacks by now, as the scrotum apparently is the place of choice for testosterone patch application according to this site. 

(This dude better cut his nails before handling his boys, or else he's going to risk a nasty fingernail scratch....or maybe this is his girlfriend...in which case she has some serious man-hands.)

Lesson #2) Much like Jerry's wife, sometimes those closest to us know us least.  Take the recent announcements by both the Contador brothers and their new director sportif, Bjarne Riis.

Riis tells cyclingnews that he wants to be a part of Contador's goal in winning the grand tour triple crown: Giro, Tour and Vuelta: "Alberto's ambition is to win all three major stage races in the same year, and I want to be part of it."

Not 24 hours later, velonation reports that Bert and Fran believe there was something lost in translation for Riis...and that they have no intention of trying to win all three.

But, just as one's man trash is another's treasure, so too can one man's dead appendage be a meal for his dog.  Similarly, we the armchair cycling enthusiasts sit back and feast on all of the diseased shit being thrown our way, feeling oddly sated.  Which is more disturbing?

Ninja Riders

About a week ago, Robert Johnson, aka "SPOKES MAN" over at the ColumbiaTribune wrote an interesting article entitled "Shine a light on ninja riders" which I think deserves a little more attention.

The first paragraph lays out the premise for the article:

"There is a creature roaming the streets of Columbia that strikes fear into the hearts of motorists and responsible bicyclists alike - the "ninja rider."  Ninja riders are bicyclists who ride at night without lights and, like real ninjas, travel through our communitry barely visible."

Of course, Mr. Johnson is completely correct that riding a bike at night without lights is ridiculously risky, but the part of this opening paragraph which really scared me was the notion in the second sentence that "real ninjas" are travelling through our community, and that they are barely visible!  Was anyone else aware of this?  I thought this must just be a device Mr. Johnson created for his article, but then I found this here.

It seems like this is the real thing.

I think, in general, ninja's probably get a pretty bad rap - as like the rest of us, they are just trying to make a living and bring home the bacon.  Admittedly, for them, this generally means via killing people, but hey - who am I to judge?  But what is really creepy, is if what Mr. Johnson says is true, then ninjas could be walking amongst us - and be barely visible with the use of their ninja skills and clothes which facilitate quick concealment.  Take these new cycling jackets I stumbled upon that allow quick conversion from average bike commuter to cycling ninja in a mere seconds.

But ninja apparel isn't the real challenge, I'm guessing.  it's the ninja's bike, which also must be stealthy and easily concealed in the dark of the night.  Where can the cycling assasins find such a thing?  Look no further than Aurumania, who makes the "Night Bike."

With 24k gold-plated spokes, it has to be a fixed gear, as I'm guessing most cycling ninjas are actually hipster-outcasts who fell out of the fold of the skinny-jeaned urban cyclist cult once their daddies cut off their bank accounts, but yet still possess mad fixed gear riding skilz.  Note the complete absence of all reflectors and lights....

Like many companies, I assumed Aurumania may use models to pose with their bicycles as part of the marketing strategy to appeal to the kinds of cyclists that are most likely to identify with their bikes.  Therefore, I searched the photo gallery portion of their website to try to find some downloadable images of actual ninjas riding their bikes, and sure enough, I stumbled upon one.

I think Mr. Johnson may have gotten the concept of the modern cycling ninja all wrong.  Perhaps they follow the instincts of their hipster roots, and take the minimalist approach that they favor for their bikes: no gears, no brakes, no reflectors, no lights, and now....no clothes....but apparently a very large fro.  So instead of being "barely visible", they are in fact just "bare."

And I may be mistaken, but this particular ninja looks a LOT like a 1972 version of Levi Leipheimer.

I used my CSI-like, high-tech photo enhancing techniques to further examine if in fact, Levi has become the new covert spokesman for the naked-ninja cyclist movement.

This thing just keeps getting creepier by the minute.

I think we would all do wise to follow Mr. Johnson's advice on this one, and beware the cycling ninja, elusive creature of the night.  He carries neither light, nor shame.  God knows where he keeps his extra tube in case of punctures.

Pedal on!