Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

The feeling of desperation is no stranger to cyclists no matter what little clique you fall within.  Trying to get to work on time and flatting, being dropped without the strength to hang on, experiencing a double puncture when you only have one tube, bonking hard on a group ride, or trying to maintain a cycling blog that will appeal to a mass of hypercritical gear junkies that typically overanalyze every mile they ride, let alone every cycling word they choose to read.  Thus, today I bring you stories of cycling desperation.

First, a Craigslist tale of two loves separated by a thief in the night in three Acts.

Act I: "I yelled "get the fuck off my bike!!!"

"as you rode away on my best friend, there I was, innocently receiving the sweetest kisses amongst the clover, only to realize it was just the precursor to one of the most heart-wrenching good byes i have ever had to make..." writes a forsaken cyclist from Toronto.  She continues, "...it is my love, my meditation, my physical well-being, and so fucking sexy.  i need it.  i need it back more than anything. so please, if you stole my bike to trade it for crack, stop!"

Act II: Guilt and Neglect

"I know that the spokes are rusty. i know that the chain is dirty.  i know that it APPEARS as though I have neglected it, but I think that my bike is perfect as is.  so stop.  put your wrench down!  give me back my bike."

Act III: Making Deals

"i will s yer d. i will show my beautiful breasts.  i will do anything!  Give it back! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE"

I ask you - after reading the pleas of this desperate women, who amongst us didn't just look over at our forlorned bike parked in our living room, or in our office or chained to the rack outside and want to go give her a bath and maybe, if no one is looking, a little peck on the head tube?

Next, a desperate man in San Fran living in a sea of cyclist-loving women: again, in three Acts.

Act I: Guys without Bikes

"I peruse the CL MC (missed connections) on the man end over here and I have to say, is there any love for a guy NOT on a bike? It's often the only identifying factor left to describe the man with whom you ladeis are so smitten.

You: Red road bike with clipless pedals. Me: Cute brunette...etc"

Act II: Plausible Scenario

"I'm just waiting for the ad that says, "You slammed into me from behind, knocking my coffee onto my boss and my laptop onto the ground which now has a cracked screen - I don't know if I'll be able to get my work off of it yet - and then you rode off kicking up gravel into my face as I sank prostrate on my knees behind you trying to recover myself.  You had the most amazing red fixed-wheel bike that zipped in and out of traffic, causing a minor accident in which a woman rear-ended an elderly man who still had the reflexes to stop before hitting you.  If you want to get coffee, I'd love to meet you!"

Act III: Making Deals

"I suppose I'm just hating.  It's the Bay Area and that seems to be what you ladies are into.  Just tell me, do I need to actually ride the bike or can I just carry it around so I can get noticed?  Because I'm willing.  Don't doubt it."

Our final story told in two brief Acts comes from the directeur sportif of Garmin Slipstream, Jonathan Vaughters told via Twitter during the Paris-Tours race which sprinter Tyler Farrar was favored to win.

Act I:  The greatest pants.  Ever.

Act II: Need better pants.

Remember kids, MidMO BRR is in 4 days...do you have your costume ready? I've been asked a lot about what my costume is going to be.  Well - my costume has been selected due to my concerns over all this bad weather we're having.  Talk about desperation.  We need some sunshine on Saturday in a big, big way - and I'm hoping my costume will evoke that.  So as I said, desperate times call for desperate measures.  I tried it on last night and had the CC GEEC capture a brief video of me in action.  I've decided to show you all - so that everyone can recognize me hopefully bringing the sunshine behind all this rain on Saturday.  But everyone needs to help me by thinking this phrase:  "Rainbows, bitches....Rainbows"

Pedal on!

1 comment:

  1. Thanks God you didn't do a double rainbow. The end result would be this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI