Cyclocross comes to Columbia

Hey there.  What are you doing tonight?  What if I told you that you could embarrass the shit out of yourself by trying to ride your bike through an illogical maze of barrier tape strewn across a tick-infested field that has been baked in the Missouri sun all summer, and soaked by the remnants of a hurricane all weekend, dismounting to jump over indiscriminately placed pieces of lumber, falling and being trampled by people you once considered your friends, while being relentlessly heckled by complete strangers.....all for five dollars?

Let me rephrase the question.  Do you own a cross bike that you use to leisurely stroll down the KT trail, or to commute to work....or just to look like this guy?

(Holy shit - is that Tony Rigdon's long lost twin brother?)

 

If the answer to that question is 'yes,' might I suggest that instead of going home after work this evening, you strip the Velo Orange hammered fenders and panniers off of your cross bike and use it the way God intended - as an instrument of self-humiliation!  Come race cross tonight!  "But PooBah," you say, "tonight I was going to curl up on the sofa in my Snuggee and sip on a Bartles and James pomegranate wine cooler and watch the Chronicles of Narnia on HBO!"  Well if that was your original Tuesday night plan - by all means, please don't deviate.  But if you were going to spend the evening paying bills, or fixing the bathroom sink, or getting caught up on some paperwork, skip all of that adulthood crap and come out and play. 

Come on!  Doesn't this look like fun???

 

Here's the skinny:

 

Tonight is the first night of a regular Tuesday night 12-week training series in all things Cyclocross right here in Columbia.  Yes you heard me right.  Here - in Columbia.  No driving to Hermann, or St. Louis, or Jeff City.  Cyclocross is here.  Now.  I know, you just got that child-like twinge of excitement that makes you wonder if you have to poop and you have lots of questions:

 

Where do I go?  Socket Telecom LLC (2703 Clark Lane). map

What the shit is cyclocross?  Here is quick tutorial: link.

What time? A training session will be held for beginners at 5:30 PM.

How long are the races? There will be two 20 minute races.  Race 1 begins at 6:00PM.

How much does it cost?  $5 if you have a USAC license.  $15 if you don't.  (It will be worth it to buy an annual license for $60.)

What do I bring? Yourself, your cross bike, cowbells a camera and a thick, thick skin (and save your race number after tonight!).

What do I NOT bring?  Your dignity, your typical roadie attitude, and your false allusion that coming in first is actually considered winning.

What will I win if I do come in first?  Most likely a PBR shower, and possibly a kiss on the lips from the unofficial Como Cyclocross podium girl Ethan Froese - depending on what kind of a mood he's in.

But I literally have no idea what I'm doing!! That's OK - hecklers don't discriminate - everyone will be made fun of equally.  And look at it this way, if you are knocked unconscious - then the course just got an extra barrier - so it's a bonus!  But if you want to brush up on your Cyclocross knowledge prior to coming out - you can take a refresher quiz here.

But won't there be some really good racers there?  Absolutely - that's the point.  Learn from literally some of the best cross cyclists in the state and come to appreciate the beauty of this sport!

Where do I go for more information?

Visit the official website here: http://www.comocyclocross.com/

 

See you tonight, kids.

COMO AWESOMO Friday Mail!

You may be wondering where I've been all week.  I could lie and say I've been incredibly busy with work - but I don't want to insult your intelligence like that.  So I will be truthful.  This week I got the new iPhone 4S....which honestly meant absolutely nothing to me.....at first that is.  I simply needed a new phone out of necessity.  My old iPhone was rendered nearly unusable after the GEEC tried to dribble it on the garage floor a couple of times.  Funny things about iPhones - they are pretty amazing little gadgets, but they don't bounce well.  Anyway - after receiving the iPhone 4S, I learned that I can actually converse with a female-voiced internal computer named "Siri", as demonstrated in this advertisment:


Pretty amazing.  The iPhone's Siri can help me can seal the big deal while running, check traffic conditions and alert my significant other of my ETA, check the weather in the city to which I will be travelling and many more things.  However useful all of these requests seemed, I still thought of an application that could be of more benefit.  So as soon as I took Siri out of the box, I told her:

She replied,

Siri then went into map function and showed me the location and name of both stores which were both JC Penny's.  This is not exactly my first choice of pants store - but getting the locations and directions of Walmart was probably just too much to ask for.  And besides -  in desperate times, beggars cannot be choosers.

What impressed me most with Siri was that her voice was very calming and soothing.  And there was no criticism or judgement - just helpful information.  For example, when I informed her that I had just soiled myself, she could have responded with,

But alas, no.  She immediately went into help mode....what anyone of us would want in a moment of crisis.  Honestly, I think we could learn a lot from Siri.  At any rate - she and I have been conversing quite a bit lately - and yes, I may have become a little preoccupied with her - and thus have neglected you, dear reader.  So I apologize.

That said, a good friend just passed this article along to me which has made me a little concerned.

So, my new relationship with Siri could result in me "shooting blanks" so to speak.  This is what is called the risk-benefit trade off, and one that Siri and I will wrestle with..... but we'll do it together. 

At any rate - I need to mention a few cycling related things, since this is supposed to be a cycling blog, afterall.

First up is the Pro-Cycling Tweet 'O The Week provided this week by Tyler Hamilton's twitter feed in response to the news that Lance Armstrong flew into Boston to give a presentation at Harvard recently:

Let's hope they got a chance to catch up in the men's room.

And far more important than that - I'm happy to announce that Cyclocross is coming back to Columbia!  Mark your calendars now.  The first annual CoMo Awesomo CX race will be Saturday, November 19th in A. Perry Phillips Park.  I don't have all the details now, but will try to track those down for everyone and get them up here soon.    Until then - spread the word!

OK - and just a few letters...

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Dear PooBah
How many French junior road cyclists can fit up the ass of the junior road world champion Pierre-Henri Lecuisinier?
Just curious -
Edwin K.

Edwin-
None....now that that the French juniors have won the world championship, their heads are just too big.

photo credit.

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Dear PooBah,
What do you think David Millar is thinking in this photo?
Thanks!
Kevin H.

photo credit.

Kevin-

Several possibilites, really....take your pick:

a) "Wow, and I thought getting pricked by the EPO needle used to hurt!"

b) "Damn, why is he so angry?  I told him he could go first!"

c) "I can't figure out why this damned Breathe Right strip isn't working!"

d) "Gunther - did you bring the DZNutz like I asked you?"

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Dear PooBah,

Do you have any idea why Frank Shleck was recently seen half-naked, sitting on a large pole swinging garbage bags at another half-naked dude?

Alex C.

photo credit.

Alex,

Hmmmmm good question.  I'm not sure - but here's an equally perplexing one.  Why in the hell is he also pretending to be Angus Young from AC/DC?

photo credit.

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Dear PooBah,

Chris Horner recently posted a picture of himself doing some new exercises that involve him balancing himself on a single giant ball.  This must be a really difficult and dangerous maneuver - eh?  Do you think this exercise could catch on with other pros in the peloton?

Jill S.

Jill-

Well, despite the danger, attempting to squish a single-ball that has gotten a little big for its britches is certainly not new to cyclists in the pro-peloton....that's for sure. 

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Dear PooBah,

Since the Brits won the world road championships, it seems like they've adopted a new superior attitude within the cycling world that has permeated throughout British culture.  For example, take a look at the cover of November's issue of Esquire that was released here in the US last week:

Now look at the cover of the November issue of Esquire that was released in the United Kingdom last week!

What's wrong with this???

Thanks!

Herman G.

Herman-

Don't fret too much.  For starters, Ms. Lowe's saddle is too low.....I've studied the article in some detail and am also worried that she might have a bit of a drinking problem as well, as it appears that she isn't able to deliver water from her bottle into her mouth successfully at all. 

And her cycling shorts are REALLY shy on the chamois!  That's going to result in a little chafing, I think.

With all these faux-pas, I wouldn't worry too much about the so-called British cycling superiority...

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That's all for today, kids.  Have a great weekend!

Local news: Control your p****, because it's about to get bumpy!

As a self-proclaimed bloggeur de bicycles here in COMO-land, I do my best to keep my finger on the pulse of the "bike scene" which is to say, I actually do absolutely no research, nor scout out any bike-related stories whatsoever, and typically just comment on whatever I happen upon, much like a blind squirrel finding the odd, random nut.  (Note to self - two great ideas for future band names in that last sentence: "Blind Squirrel" and "Random Nut".)  Therefore, it should surprise no one that I've dropped the ball BIG TIME on some recent and future cycling stories and events that I need to mention now.

First of all, this past weekend was the Berryman Trail Epic mountain bike endurance race in the proximity of Steelville, MO.  Its significance to COMO kids is that one of our very own (Jon Schottler) held the course record set in 2010.  That is, until this year, when Steve Tilford topped it, and then wrote about it as though it were as difficult as riding to the store to pick up a 4-pack of Bartles and James wine coolers.  Of course, when you are a cycling bottom feeder like me, and your mantra has become "not last, not lapped," every such feat seems Herculean.....That said, with all due respect (as well as fully disclosing my bias toward COMO's own), I would still suggest that a tad bit more credit was due to Mr. Schottler.

Secondly, the BubbaCross series continues and apparently was rough as a cob this past weekend at Fort Belle Fontain which had the St. Louis Cycling Forum buzzing with commentary in a dedicated thread entitled "Bumpy Bubba":

Posted Yesterday, 03:52 PM

All people who set up a cx race course should have to pre-ride the course or they don't get to set up the courses anymore. If they set up a mean course that breaks bikes rather than showcasing the true spirit of cx, they should be forced to ride the course sans chamois. IMHO

Posted Yesterday, 06:11 PM

This is easy. If you don't like the courses either come out and help design and set up a course or just don't race them! Take your crying ass out to KC or Chicago if Bubba courses are beneath you.

I didn't race this past weekend, so cannot comment on the conditions - but think I have to give it to the second individual here.  Despite being a complete CX newb - I'm pretty sure that the "true spirit" of cyclocross is racing until you either want to cry, puke or poop yourself.....or maybe all three at the same time.  If the course is smooth - then that will be achieved via exerted effort and if the course is rough, that will be accomplished via exerted effort and taint battering.  This little thing called free will allows you to go home without racing if you elect to not pursue the "true spirit".

Anyway - at the end of the day, COMO still prevailed as Dan Miller took another victory despite doing a "Half Joey".  (For those of you that don't know, this is going "Full Joey.")


Thus, a "Half Joey" would be if just the cyclist or the bicycle became airborne - but not both simultaneously.

Ok - now for some upcoming ride announcements.  This weekend, in addition to Bubba's #4 and #5 cyclocross races in St. Louis, you can get your spook on and do the Monster Bike Bash's ride to Rocheport on Saturday.  Or if you want less beer and frivolity and more taint-pain, you can do the Gravel Grumble 100 which starts at Tryathletics at 7:00 AM the same day.

And I don't know how I missed this one - but according to this story in the Columbia Missourian, there is an all-female bicycle group that rides every Tuesday night leaving from RagTag between 7:00 and 7:30 PM:



Perhaps, like me, you saw this disclaimer on the Missourian's page, below the video story:

"The bike club’s name contains a word we normally don’t print because it can be offensive. For more information you can go to the group’s Facebook page."

I have to admit that I was perplexed by this and started wondering what the acronym 'PCBC' actually stood for making it so offensive that the Missourian didn't want to publish it?  So, I did as instructed and followed the link to the group's Facebook page and was so enlightened.

There are several things I appreciate about what this group is accomplishing.  Firstly, a group like this can develop comraderie amongst female cyclists.

Take what rider Brigid Foley says, "PCBC is definitely about the ladies...you know....no one is there to meet dudes.  That's not the point...."

(Come on Brigid, we all know you got that handsome devil's phone number after the photo shoot!)

The lack of men apparently reduces the intimidation factor for new cyclists.  Again, says Ms. Foley, "They (men) set such a fast pace and kind of intimidate people that are new to riding."  There is no question that this is true.  Put two male newbs on bicycles, and they will have graduated to become racing Freds within 15 minutes, or crashed into one another trying.  That said, a group calling itself "Pussy Control Bike Club" with the motto "Our Ride, Our Rules" kind of scares the shit out of me, personally, and I've not even put on my skirt to try to ride with them (yet).

(Men are only allowed to tag along on the ride if they either wear a skirt or are bearded and come in the form of a tattoo - in which case they get to ride on the ladies' thighs!!!  I just tossed my razor in the garbage can.)

But seriously - why should I be intimidated to ride with PCBC?  I think I've always practiced good "pussy control".

I promise that Mr. Pants will either be on his leash or remain in his basket the entire ride.....

The physics of being Big Foot

Yesterday I was emailed no less than 10 times the story of the dude in South Africa who got creamed by the galloping antelope during a mountain bike race - and if you are one of the individuals who sent me the link, thank you.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go see it here.  Sorry - couldn't resist.  No seriously - you can see it here.  And quite literally - as I wrote the last sentence, I just got an email from my father that reads,

From: Dad PooBah
To: Baby PooBah
Cc: Mom PooBah
Subject:  When Animals Say "Get Offa My Grass!"

Son,
Careful where you do some of those Cyclocross race things....
Dad

To which I need to respond, "Thanks, Dad."  If only flying antelopes were my only concern during a cyclocross race, I might actually stand a chance of performing half-way decently.  No, the bane of my cyclocross existence comes in many other forms, but mostly inertia.  You see, I possess something called mass.  "Sure," you might say, "we all possess mass!"  And to this I would reply, "No - you dont get it.  I have a lot of it."  Dictionary.com defines mass as "a body of coherent matter, usually of indefinite shape and often of considerable size: example - a mass of dough."  An ill-defined, large mass of dough indeed.  And much like the aforementioned antelope, once I get my poorly defined, immense doughy mass up and moving in a specific direction, I seem to have great difficulty decelerating and altering its direction - especially when that direction is 180 degrees from whence the doughy mass originated.  This difficulty I'm experiencing is due to inertia which can be defined as "the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest." 

These terms can be understood better by this formula:

F = ma

In this equation, F = force, m = mass (in my case, dough-like and considerable) and a = acceleration.  By this formula, it is clear that the greater an object's mass, the less acceleration (or deceleration) is possible under a given force.  Let's look at this concept using a real-life example:  If you are, say, 5'4" and weigh 135 lbs and are racing cyclocross, for a given force, you will be able to decelerate more rapidly and make a 180 hairpin turn easier than if you are, say, Sasquatch.

By the way - this isn't any ordinary Sasquatch in the example - this is an old Sasquatch with achy knees.  (Incidentally - in case you'd like to purchase the official 'Sasquatch on bicycle t-shirt'.....go here.....they are all the rage.)

They even come in sizes up to 3XL....that's what I'm talking about.

Such mass also makes manuevers like this completely out of the question.

photo courtesy of 20#skull.

And don't give me that shit that Ryan Trebon is 6'1".  The SOB weighs like 170 pounds soaking wet.  He's a fart in a wind storm compared to me.

Here's a stone-cold dose of reality that hit me as hard as the sudden cold rain did while doing intervals on the KT trail Monday night in the pitch blackness because I didn't get home from work until 6:30 when the sun was sinking low and the clouds were building up.  As I cruised down the trail, rain smeared down my headlight casting weird shadows on the trail.  But up ahead, in the distance, I saw something dangling from one of the overhanging trees.  It's quarter-sized, lumpy shape became increasingly illuminated by my light as I approached and I realized it was a fat-ass spider dangling from a web, and I was approaching it a very rapid pace.  No worries, I thought, I will slide right under him.  The instant his plump hairy body smacked me in the cheek, it all became clear:  For years, I've watched and admired cyclists....their small-framed, lithe forms dancing on pedals and whipping tightly around corners fast as a lifeguard spins a whistle tied to a length of string wrapped around his finger.  And all this time, in my head, I've felt just like them.....quick and small......small enough to slide under that juicy spider....small enough to try to conserve energy hiding in a pack of cyclists....small enough to be fast.  Cyclocross has reminded me of just what a Sasquatch I really am.   And despite flat tires, and busting through barrier tape and inertial drag, God-dammit, I'm digging it.

Cyclocross Pop Quiz

Ah, dear readers, the weather we are experiencing here in Mid-Missouri is nothing short of miraculous, n'est pas?  (That's French-speak for "can I get an Amen?")  An Indian summer to revel in to be sure.  And of course, this means lots of trail and gravel rides to continue to condition for cyclocross season.  For me, this training means learning how to suffer intensely for short periods of time and either involves doing intervals if I'm on the bike, or watching this if I'm sitting in my office.

I'm hoping he will come out with a 40 minute version of this.  Suffering through that would make the next cross race seem like a cruise through the park.

As a cyclocross newb - I have felt the necessity of doing some much-needed research on the topic of cyclocross history to elevate my overall appreciation of the sport.  Subsequently, I've wondered if some of you might not be interested in my findings.  Of course, many of you will already be familiar with this information, to which I say, ignore this post and focus your attention here instead if you are of the male persuasion and here if you are of the female persuasion.  (That is, if you are of the heterosexual variety of each persuasion.  If you are persuaded to do the opposite, follow your instincts accordingly.)  But instead of just blathering off a bunch of facts and dates, I thought I would present the information in pop-quiz format so that you might test your own working cyclocross knowledge.  Let's get it on:

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#1) This question has three parts:  Who is this?  How tall was he?  What is his significance in the world of cyclocross?

a) Pierre Floutard; 5'7", In 1957 he lost a testicle in a freak accident while remounting his steel Raleigh during the first Cyclocross World Championships.  It was found 3 days later but all attempts to surgically reattach it were unsuccessful.

b) Jean Robic; 5', Winner of the first UCI cyclocross championship in 1950

c) Rudy Project; 5'3", Founder of the famous cycling eyewear company and inventor of the male version of the cat-eye glasses popularized by women in the 50's

d) Dominic Gaston; 5'11", Infamous cross racer who suffered from nyctolopia, he died during Belgian's first night race when he crashed into a bratwurst vendor.

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#2) What is cyclist Danny De Bie credited for in cyclocross racing?

a) In 1988 during a race in Leipzig, instead of jumping over an 18" barrier, he decided to tunnel under it.  Even though he lost the race, he was awarded the course-gardener's shovel for ingenuity. 

b) To date, he is the only racer to have ever gotten lost during a race.  During his 1987 bid for World Champion in Lucerne, he never completed a single lap during the 60 minute race and had to be escorted from a muddy ditch by course marshals.

c) He is credited for popularizing the "bunnyhop" maneuver to go over barriers which he used while winning the 1989 World Championship.

d) Nicknamed "Bye-Bye De Bie", Danny famously quit the Dutch National Championship race in 1988 after only 5 minutes of racing when he threw his bicycle off the course and exclaimed, "Niet meer fucking koebels!"  (translastion: "No more fucking cowbells!")

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#3) Identify this individual:

a) Hanka Kupfernagel; The woman with the most medals in cyclocross ever with a total of 10, 4 of which have been World Championships.

b) Greta Klink; Designer of the first knee-high stiletto cycling boot which was later disallowed by the UCI when racer Heidi Potente perforated a component's spleen when she stepped on the fallen cyclist while hurdling a barrier.

c) Hans Guber; After his sex change in 2003, he/she became the first racer to win a national championship in both the male and female fields.

d) Elsie Schmittsohn; Watched a cyclocross race once on TV in 2008.

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#4) Who is this and what important achievement is he credited with?

a) Federico Capitano; Italian cyclocross racer who attempted to file a patent for a style of moustache which he called, "Il manubrio".  He was unsuccessful in this bid as it had been patented the previous year by one Otto Schlitz of Hamburg.  However, he later designed and patented the moustache "comb-over", for those who can only successfully grow hair on one side of their lip, giving tens of thousands of men with semi-bald lips greater senses of confidence.

b) Gustav Mendlebaum; designer of the cycling cable-knit turtle neck sweater and later co-founder of J. Crew.

c) Peter Mathews; the only British cyclist to have had his dentition considered to be "not horrendous" by a panel of orthodontists.

d) Octave Lapize; winner of the 2010 Tour de France who credited his victory to off-season riding through fields, believed by many to be the inspiration for present day cyclocross.

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#5) What other profession is cyclocross racer Katerina Nash known for?

a) Editor in chief of "Modest Cycling Magazine"

b) Olympic cross country skier

c) Taste-tester for Luna Bars

d) Owner of 3 Hooter's restaurants outside of Salt Lake City, Utah

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#6) Bonus question:  What was professional cross racer Zdenek Stybar's claim to fame in 2006 at the Netherland National Cyclocross Championships in Zeddam?

a) He had an allergic reaction to some oysters he ate the night before the race in his hotel causing his face to break out in a flurry of pustules...

b) After one week of solid rain preceeding the race, the entire course turned to mud, which prompted him to become the only cyclist in the history of the sport to attempt portaging his bicycle and running for the entire race.  He lost his shoe on lap 3, however and had to abandon.

c) After heavy fog had been predicted for race day, he feared the same fate as Danny De Bie in getting lost out on the course and shaved the race map into the side of his head the night before for quick reference, only later realizing he would not actually be able to see the map without the help of a mirror.

d) He won the cyclocross U23 National Championships in 2006.

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You may submit your answers to me and I will grade them. 

Herman Cross wrap-up: From the bottom up.

Last Saturday afternoon, I popped my proverbial cherry in the wonderful world of cyclocross in the town of Hermann, MO.  Before I launch in on that epic tale of Cat 4 wonderment, I need to describe the fact-finding mission I went on the week before the race as I consulted with a number of friends on different strategies.  I considered this background research - data collection if you will, from those more experienced; each of whom gave me pearls of wisdom.

Friend #1:
"What are your expectations for Saturday?" he asked.
I answered, "1) To not severely injure myself.  2) To not severely injure anyone else. 3) To not severely injure my bike 4) To not finish last.
"You really know how to shoot for the stars, don't you?" he replied.  "If you don't really care about winning - then here's what you do.  Start at the back and let all the insanity unfold ahead of you and then start picking people off.  It's more fun to pass people than get passed which is what's going to happen if you start at the front.  Oh yeah - and have fun."

Friend #2:
"How do I ride through sand?" I asked.
"Pedal hard through it, and if you eat shit, keep your shifters out of it or else they're fucked," he answered.

Friend #3:
"Any advice?" I asked.
"Start at the front and if you need to puke during the race - go right ahead.  Remember - you are getting old and you kind of suck, so you've got that going for you," he replied.

So, as I lined up for my race, I positioned myself about midfield.  The reason?  I have no clue.  Friend #3 told me I should be on the front - but it didn't feel like I deserved to be on the front, and yet I really thought I was better than sitting on the very back like Friend #1 told me to do - so I compromised with them, like they were a little angel and little devil sitting on each of my shoulders. 

Just about that time, a race offical approached us, the assembled horde of Cat 4s .  In the front row were 2 or maybe 3 young kids who were clearly juniors.  The official smiled at each of them and told them how good it was to see them there and then proceeded to go over the rules, making special notation of where the first-aid station was located.  He repeated its location three times, which I took as indication that he has seen his fair share of Cat 4 cyclocross races.  I glanced apprehensively over to the guy on my left who was wearing a crash helmet with a sticker on it that said "Lick me", and then over to the guy on my right whose bike had porteur handlebars on it as I wondered what in the hell I was doing there.  After the official finished, another guy standing close to me dressed in full team kit and whom shall henceforth be referred to as the 'douche-packer,' yells to him.

"Are you going to do a call-up?"
"No," the official responds.
"Why not?!!" theDP answered, clearly irritated.
"We are only doing that for the 1/2/3 races," the offical replied, very politely.
"Well, why are the juniors in the front?" asks the DP.
"I guess because they got here sooner than you did," answered the official.
"You think that's a good idea?" the DP asks.
The official takes a deep breath and then releases it in exasperated fashion.  He looks right at the DP and then says in a very tired voice. "Listen everyone, there are juniors in the front.  Keep an eye out."
"This is bullshit," the DP mutters under his breath.

I was suddenly distracted away from the silent conversation that had been continuing to run in my head between me, and Friends #1 and #3 over my starting position long enough to turn to the DP and say, "Would you chill the fuck out, please?  We are a bunch of Cat 4 sacks of shit - and still will be even if your ass somehow manages to set the course record for the night!"  In a perfect world, I would have actually formed these words with my mouth and said them.  Instead they remained just a thought inside my brain.  But I still dreamt of saying them.  In the midst of this day dream, in which I'd become a chiseled, trash-talking, cyclocross-racing bad-ass, relaxed and sitting on my top tube at the pre-race start line, with legs so sculpted they looked like they had been carved from marble, telling tales of cyclocross racing adventures to the juniors huddled around me, I was suddently awakened by the voice of the official who was counting down from 5.  And then just as quickly, he had released us and we were off on what would prove to become the longest 40 minutes I had experienced since I tried to sit through the movie Blue Velvet.  Oddly enough, my experiences were not so dissimilar from those of Dennis Hopper's character in the film in that, I too, found myself craving an oxgen mask and screaming "Mommy" within about 3 minutes. 

But that's where all similarities ended, thankfully.   At some point after feeling my digested turkey sandwich start to creep back up my esophagus, I looked down at my watch to see how long I had been out on the torturous course, feeling certainly it had to be close to 35 minutes, only to find the number 15 staring back at me from the stopwatch function.  And it occured to me that somehow, someway, cyclocross actually proves Einstein to be correct.....that time is relative and when you are on that damned bike, it can slow to a virtual standstill.

I have no idea where or even how I finished, but eventually I accomplished all 4 of my goals.  My friends cheered me on as I dragged my fat ass up those wretched steps and over ridiculously positioned barriers.  I kept my shifters out of the sand - but did manage to go blasting right through the barrier adjacent to the pit.  I picked off my fair share of riders, and stayed out of the first-aid tent..... however I'm also pretty sure this guy may have kicked my ass.....and deservedly so.

photo courtesy.

All in all, a flipping fantastic time and I can't wait for the next one.  And once again, I need to thank all of my friends who coerced me into doing this and then tolerated (and continue to tolerate) my steady barrage of questions and worrying.   

Anyway, no one cares what a cyclocross race looks like from the bottom up, as this account describes, so let's see something far more entertaing: the great video made of the Men's 1/2/3 race by Brent Davidson.

Big congrats to COMO racer Jon Schottler of Team Michelob Ultra/Big Shark Racing who took first on Saturday and second on Sunday to win the overall competition.  An amazing performance.  And also a huge THANKS! and congrats to race organizer Jeff Yielding who not only won the 40+ master's division, but also put on an incredibly well-organized event, even if there was no call-up in the Cat 4 race.  Jeff - if you can just sort that one thing out, you might truly have yourself a quality event!

Hermann Cross 2011

This weekend is Hermann Cross 2011, and whereas this is not the first cyclocross race of the year, it is arguably one of the most popular cross races of the season - and it's nearly in our very own backyard.  In case you are oblivious to the ways of cyclocross - take a little peek at this video (which I chose from literally thousands of possible cyclocross compilation videos on YouTube for two reasons:  First, it is accompanied by a song from one of my favorite bands, OkGo!, and secondly, because it was uploaded by someone calling him/herself  'facepubes'.  With that combination, the video is sure not to disappoint......that and the flipping amazing dismount/mount at the 1:22 mark.)


With this coming weekend's race in Hermann, I contacted the organizer and proud father of Hermann Cross, Mr. Jeff Yielding, to see if he could answer some questions about the upcoming event.

CCPB: How and when did Hermann Cross first come to be?

JY: In 2008 the idea came from Josh Johnson from Columbia MO, he mentioned to me the idea of a night time race in the Hermann city park. One thing led to another and the race took off from there.

[Josh Johnson - a COMO native, is the current Missouri State Champion in cyclocross and races for BigShark out of St. Louis.]

CCPB:  Can you tell us how the race has grown over the years?

JY: The first year was invitation only due to a scheduling conflict with the St Genevieve road race. So as not to take away riders from that race I invited 100 racers to an awesome time in the mud.  At the time, this was the first night race in MO.

2009 was more a traditional race open to all.  The concept of the night race remained, and live music and food were added. There were about 110 finishers that year. It was truly an awesome experience with everyone having a good time.

In 2010, I expanded the event to a full weekend - so racing both Saturday and Sunday. Things were going along really well to begin with.  We had a huge turnout with really big fields, live music rocking from the stairs, awesome sponsors, and just lots going on. Then a huge storm hit as the last race of the night started. That race only lasted 3 laps before it was called due to the intense lightning. Then rain set in and it just kept raining, and raining and raining until eventually the park had a flash flood! It was definitely a low point for the event after such a high all day long. The park and equipment were ruined and all the races on Sunday were cancelled. 

But everything before the flood was spot on, and we knew that the extended two-day format could be successful.  Despite mother nature having her way, we knew we had something to build on for 2011!

CCPB: Awesome - so what are the big changes for this year's race?

JY: 2011 should be our best year yet as we kick off the MO Cyclocross race season. There is just so much going on:  Firstly, we have a brand new web site (hermanncx.com) As for the race, this year we are offering barrier primes, field primes, added categories for masters divisions, an announcer, live music, a leader's jersey awarded for each category, a professional photographer documenting the whole race, team championship awards, awesome prizes, food, free beer tasting and much more. And the weather looks to be awesome for the weekend. This is definitely an event, not just a race.

CCPB: Who are the outstanding men and women we should be keeping an eye out for in this year's race?

JY: Right now the highest ranked pre-registered women rider is Laura Scherff racing for Momentum Racing. A lot of the women racers tend to register on-site, however, so it's hard to say what that field will end up looking like.

The Men's 1/2/3 race is already stacked with quality riders including State Champions and past Hermann CX winners. It will be a battle under the lights Saturday night into Sunday to be sure. Who knows who will walk away the championship?

CCPB: Any advice or words of encouragement for the total cyclocross newb that wants to race?

JY: Bring what you have with no expectations and prepare to have fun. When your race is over sit back the rest of the night, cheer on the other racers and enjoy the event.

CCPB: For those that have never seen a cyclocross race, can you give them the top 8 reasons why they should come to Hermann to witness this in person?

JY:  Absolutely!

#1.       This could be the strongest field of Cross racers in one race MO has ever seen as we're going to be pulling riders from  MO, KS, IA, IL and OK.

#2.       The Stairs!

#3.       Hermann park is a great place to host a race, you can see almost all the action from one spot.

#4.       Live music

#5.       Food and beer

#6.       Great volunteers

#7.       Course design offers a bit of everything

#8.       Hermann, baby!  There could not be a better host city.

CCPB: Thanks Jeff!

The races start at 4:00 PM on Saturday with the Masters 30+ field and continue until the Men's 1/2/3 race kicks off at 9:00 PM that night.  Sunday, the show starts at 10:00 AM and continues until the final race kicks off at 3:00 PM with the same order.  Come on out and get dirty...

Dear PooBah: Friday Mail

Ah dear readers, it's finally Friday.  And what a week we've had.  There have been stories of other cycling bloggers getting to join Team RadioShack for training camp, and reports of disgruntled members of the Garmin-Transition Team over the exiting of Bradley Wiggans. It just goes to show that the world of cycling is forever in motion, despite the number of hours we, the obsessed, have asses planted firmly in office chairs while we watch it unfold on the internet.  But no matter, Friday also means it's time for the old PooBah to dip into the mailbag.  So let's get it on!

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Dear PooBah-
Not long ago I read a great article in a magazine about how to make inexpensive upgrades to your bicycle.  I've come up with one of my own that I really wanted to share with your readers.  My son was always pestering me about wanting to go riding with me on my bike, but I know that letting him ride on the handlebars is too dangerous, and I simply don't have the money for one of those fancy kid bike seats or trailers - so check out what I came up with for him!
Yours -
Bobby J.

Dear Bobby

Sweet MacGyver, that is a great idea!  It appears as though you've bolted a plastic kid's chair to your rear luggage rack.  Nicely done.  One word of advice - you may want to consider rattle-canning that thing black, I'm worried about the emotional scars your son will suffer being forced to ride around in a pink seat.

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Dear PooBah-

Long time reader, first time writer.  I play bike polo in Eugene, Oregon, and as the 3rd alternate goal keeper for my team, I would like to extend to you an invitation to come out and play with us sometime.  We can provide you with a bike and equipment, and you can even shack with me.

Looking forward to seeing you soon-

Jame Gumm

Dear Mr. Gumm,

Wow, thanks so much for the invite.  Man, you know - I'm sitting here looking at my calendar trying to figure out when I can make it out there to Eugene and hook up with you, and it just occured to me that I think I might be working on a herniated disk in my back, thus preventing me from being able to pretty much move for the next year or two.  But best of luck to you, and your DeadBaby Team!

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Dear PooBah-

You have to help me with my daughter - I am so worried about her.  Yesterday I caught her playing with her Barbies by a small puddle of water that has formed by our road.  She had them arranged in some pretty troubling poses WITH their little Barbie bicycles (see attached photo).  What could this all mean?

Please Help!

Dolores H.

Dear Dolores-

Looks like she is ready to try cyclocross.

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Dear PooBah-

One question:  Shimano or Campy when it comes to cranks?

Thanks!

Dillon

Dillon-

I've done an extensive search on the manufacturing practices and industry standards of both companies and can only find one difference when it comes to these two components.  The distinguishing factor is in the inspection process where I think Campagnolo might have a leg up because of who they have historically had closely examine each crank. (Insert tasteless religion-related joke based on "crank-examination" double entendre here.)

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Dear PooBah,

I've been eyeing this Brooks Saddle on ebay for a week now, but just cannot decide if it's worth the money based on the photo.  The seller says she has some additional photos she can provide upon request, but I don't know if it's worth the trouble.  What do you think?  The auction ends tonight.

Thanks!

J. Magoo

Mr. Magoo-

Have the seller email me the additional photos directly.  I will examine them closely and get back with you.  Hurry.  We don't want to lose the chance to get a closer look at these....this....whatever.

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Dear PooBah-

I absolutely love my pet, Mr. Muckles, and miss him terribly when I am out riding. I read with great interest one of your previous posts on the potential use of sidecars in which one could carry along their fuzzy companions.  But there just aren't a lot of options out there when it comes to purchasing one, and plus - the available models are really expensive.  Furthermore, my little guy loves to actually run, versus just being happy to ride along,  so I've been working on an alternative way Mr. Muckles could come along with me, and even participate in my daily ride!  Check it out!

Sincerely,

Wanda M.

Dear Wanda-

If you haven't hired a patent attorney yet, you better get yourself one quick, sister.  I think you are sitting on a gold mine.

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Thanks, as ever, for reading everyone.  Have a great weekend and ride safe!

Pedal on!