Thursday, August 23, 2012

Go flag yourself

Wow - what a stage in yesterday's USA Pro Challenge To Make A Race in Colorado That Has No Mention of the Word Colorado in the Title!  If you were like me, you were watching the race on your work computer in a tiny window covered up by lots of bigger windows opened up to porn websites so that everyone else in the office would think everything was status quo.  But I almost gave myself away toward the end of the stage when I started yelling at the computer  - which I almost never do when I'm watching porn....other than that one time.  Anyway - what a nail biter...
Tommy D, barely holding off the chase group for the win!
 
I know I wasn't alone in my excitement either when I saw what MO State Crit Champ Austin Vinton Twatted in this Tweet:
 

To which I responded:

Well, this must have hacked Mr. Vinton off, because he sent me an email challenging me to a race.  And, I'm happy to announce I took Austin up on his challenge of going mono a mono, (or colon a colon as the case may be) - and after a lengthy discussion between his agent and my agent to get the details sorted out - a gastrointestinal match sprint commenced last evening.  Both he and I swallowed our Garmin 500s precisely at 6:00 PM. Upon retrieving them this morning (mine after three espressos and a bear claw), we uploaded the data to Strava.  Here's Austin's mapped segment:
GI transit time: 11 hours, 32 minutes
 
And my data:
GI transit time: 13 hours, 22 minutes
 
On first glance, it would appear as though Austin beat me.  However, I have it on good authority that he chased his Garmin 500 with two tablets of Ex-Lax and a Metamucil shake.  Therefore I issued an official protest and had his entry 'flagged' - which means that I have actually claimed the KOM crown (KOM = King of Movements).
 
Never heard of a flagged Strava entry?  Well neither had I until recently when my trusty sidekick, Pickle 2, did a little experiment on Easley hill.  One sunny Saturday morning, Pickle rode up the hill with his Garmin....only it was sitting in the passenger seat of his car.  He uploaded the data as though he had made the ascent on his bike and posted the data to Strava.  Not surprisingly, he was instantly awarded the KOM for ascending the 0.8 mile Easley hill at 19.2 m/h.
 
That Pickle can flat out MOVE!
 
Approximately 6 minutes after Pickle posted his KOM-worthy ascent of the big hill, he got a response from someone, whose name I've changed to "Mr. Rogers" for the sake of anonymity.
 
Was this Easley climb on a bike?
 
When Pickle didn't respond, the ride was 'flagged' and the KOM status was rightly returned to Mr. Rogers.  By the speed of Mr. Roger's response, and his sheer dominance in KOM crowns around COMO, I wonder if he keeps constant surveillance of Strava, maintaining each of his KOM segments open on his desktop computer and mobile devices at all times. Once an alert pops up on his smart phone that one of his KOMs has been bested, he assesses the data, and dashes over to a fire pole that descends into his garage where his bike lies waiting, tires inflated, chain lubed, skinsuit draped over top tube, bottles full of a 50:50 mix of Red Bull and Cytomax, ready to go at a moment's notice like the Batmobile, eager to reclaim his glory. 
 
The problem with our experiment is that Pickle went up the damn hill too damn fast resulting in him getting called out by Mr. Rogers and subsequently flagged.  But in light of the recent lawsuit surrounding Strava, I'm a little worried this was a reckless stunt to begin with.  What if Pickle's KOM didn't get flagged, and it inspired a whole host of COMO's Strava-teers to go out there and try to best it, and someone stroked out while climbing that stinking hill trying to beat a time that was actually set by Pickle's Bugatti (yes, Pickle drives a Bugatti - I really need to figure out how much we are paying him).
 
At any rate, now that I've flagged Mr. Vinton for inappropriate use of cathartics - I think my GI King of bowel Movements crown will remain safely on my own colon, thank you very much.  And rather than laying down the gauntlet, I will lay down the adult diaper to any COMO Strava-naut that thinks they can best it.  I may not ride a bike up a hill very fast, but I've always taken the advice of "shit or get off the pot" to heart and know how to do just that.
 
Speaking of flagging results, I still have no idea how Christian VandeVelde took the yellow jersey from Tejay VanGarderen yesterday when they finished in the same group.  To add confusion, BMC had previously filed a protest over the Crested Butte stage saying Tejay had gapped VandeVelde coming into the mountain finish on Tuesday suggesting that he should actually have a couple of seconds on the Garmin rider.  One would think the race officials could have reviewed the televised finish (or alternatively just looked at this photo).....
 
and made an immediate ruling on it, but they said they wouldn't make a decision until today - two days later?  And then BMC's director Michael Sayers decided to lash out at Team RadioShack for not doing any work in helping bring back Danielson yesterday and made the quote regarding the possum-playing RadioShack squad, "I think they forgot that the women's race is later in the week." Not a cool thing to say from the BMC leader as firstly, his team leader's wife, Jessica VanGarderen, is the race organizer for the women's race, the Blue Ribbon Alpine Challenge.  And secondly, the women's race was actually run yesterday and had to be shortened to a single day's criterium versus the previous 3-day event last year because of an absolute lack of funds.  Sayers can rip on the Shack all he wants, but slighting the women's race like that was pretty low...I think his ass needs to be flagged for that comment....

9 comments:

  1. Poobah you have nailed 'Mr. Rogers' right on the head. In fact I too have it on good authority that he does indeed get a call on his little red STRAVA phone when someone gets close to/surpasses that KOM. One thing to keep in mind though - it isnt always how many KOM's you have, rather how strong you are over the course of each ride. And with that passive aggressive little diddy I'll move on. Have a good one!


    Just another annony-mouse COMO rider.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you insinuating that I'm a one-trick pony when it comes to defecation? Sure I'm quick - but let me tell you - I can go all day long too. There was this one time, after a trip to Long John Silvers....

      Delete
  2. I thought Pickle 2 used his skateboard for the beforementioned run up Easley Hill

    Next time he can borrow my electric bike

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr. Rogers, is that you? Are you trying to taunt the Pickle? If so, well played, sir....well played.

      Go ahead - taunt the Pickle!

      Delete
  3. Triumph the Insult Comic DogAugust 23, 2012 at 12:03 PM

    Great article Poohbah.

    Thank you for reminding me how awesome Strava is....

    FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Triumph: Just a few tips if you are going to measure your own GI transit time on Strava.

      1) I wouldn't advise using the Garmin 800...that sucker could smart coming out

      2) Drink plenty of liquids

      3) Don't sleep under an overpass or else you will lose your satellites.

      Good luck!

      Delete
  4. I wish I was a PickleAugust 23, 2012 at 1:16 PM

    Taunt the Pickle! Man I wish my wife would do anything to my pickle. Maybe I need to get me some BOCOMO KOM's and than she might stroke my pickle. Hmmm I wonder if I should use my moped? On second thought I don't think my moped will go that fast on a downhill let alone going uphill!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know the pickle. The pickle is a friend of mine, you sir, are no pickle

    ReplyDelete