Monday, August 20, 2012

Monkeys and blow

It sucks playing second fiddle.  I wouldn't actually know that as a fact, because the fiddle I'm typically playing is so far down the line it's not even in the orchestra pit, but rather out in the parking lot somewhere.  But as a general rule, playing second fiddle generally blows, which is why so many sayings are dedicated to the position.  "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride," or "second place is the first loser."  Even in the diarrhea song, 'second' gets so much disrespect that there is no reference made to what specific form of defecation you will achieve as you round second base.  If you're coming into first, your pants are about to burst, naturally. And if you are contemplating stretching your double into a triple and heading for third, you are going to lay a turd. And of course if you are sliding into home, your pants are full of foam.  But NOTHING if you are coming into second!  It is the forgotten position.

This year, one of two men have dominated the majority of sprint finishes in pro-cycling and they both have one, if not many, nicknames.  Mark Cavendish cleaned up at the Tour de France as well as the World Championships and is, of course, referred to as the "Manx Missile" (although we here at COMO CYCO like to refer to him as "Cavendouche."  And Peter Sagan, who dominated the Tour of California and won the green jersey in the Tour has since been called the "Tourminator" or the "Velvet Samurai."

And whilst The Samurai and the Manx Missile have been competing with one another over whose celebratory sprint pose is most douchetastic, American sprinter Tyler Farrar (it's pronounced like FAIR-rah, I'm told)

has usually been simultaneously mopping the pavement with his body in race after agonizing race this year. Well today, Farrar finally has pulled a big ol' salami out of his chamois in the USA Pro Challenge Tour of blah blah the form of a sprint win!  And truth be told, let's give the kid some props, because he did it by hanging with the winning field and dragging his ass up a long ascent into Telluride and over a couple stinger passes when many of the other sprinters decided to catch a ride in the sag wagon instead...I don't want to call anyone out...but....oh shit - hang on...a sneeze is coming on....ahh..ahhh....ahhhh-CHICCHI! 

Hell, even Farrar's teammate Dave Zabriskie suffered today, barfing away all of his vegan lunch and most of his vegan breakfast as he tried to stay with the breakaway group.  (He's a vegan, if you've not heard).  So can we finally give Farrar a nickname?  Oh wait - Christian VandeVelde just did.

"The Ginger Ninja gets the monkey off his back in the mountains. So happy for him."

Yeah - I think that nickname should stick nicely.  And this, apparently, is what you look like when you are a Ginger Ninja and you get a monkey off your back.
Begone, monkey!

And in other, much less interesting news, Lance Armstrong apparently has gotten himself some "fresh blow...."
And I thought he was just being accused for using EPO, steroids and testosterone....

Judge Sparks has sided with USADA and dismissed Armstrong's case against the anti-doping agency.  Looks like he's got until August 23rd now to decide whether he's going to accept USADA's sanctions or try to fight them through arbitration.  As I Googled this story, I noticed that many of the various news outlets have chosen to use the pursed-lipped, salmon-mouth photo of Armstrong seen above as visual representation of the story in an attempt to convey..... I actually have no idea what they are trying to convey, as he was neither photographed nor interviewed at all in response to this news story.  I guess the news agencies just subjectively guess what he may be feeling upon hearing this and then go through their files in search of a photo that conveys those emotions.....and today, that would be this....

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe this is what it looks like when a monkey jumps on your back...with some fresh blow.


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  2. And you're sliding into second,

    and your toilet just beckoned,



  3. I'm 93.5% sure you just made that up....