Monday, August 6, 2012

Olympic news; failures, retractions and booger-eating

I need to start today by issuing a full retraction on a statement I made last week about people needing to give the entire "#NBCFail" thing a rest.  Why have I changed my mind? At the end of last evening's prime time recap coverage, NBC chose to feature another interview of Missy Franklin by Bob Costas during which he showed her a taped greeting from Missy's obsession, "The Biebs".  During said video, Bieber is holding his little brother who proceeds to pick a booger out of his nose and then eat it while Bieber speaks.
Missy is naturally completely smitten by this and turns inside out with giggly teenage hormones and issues her own publicly televised response.

The only, and I repeat ONLY, way this saccharine, cringe worthy, non-Olympic moment could have been salvaged to be watchable in any way, is if Missy picked up and held the diminutive Costas in the same fashion Bieber had held his little brother, and let Bob pick and eat his own nose rocks during her reply.

I don't fault Missy here.  She's a kid and should be allowed to act like one.  I don't even fault Bieber's little brother for eating his own boogers on air.  If I was being forced to be on national television held by Justin Bieber, I would try to demonstrate some act of defiance myself.  No, I blame NBC and that ass-munch Costas for essentially ripping off the Brady Bunch episode where Marsha makes an ass over herself falling for the Monkee's lead singer Davy Jones.  There were clearly no other worthwhile Olympic themed stories to tell during that time.  Why would NBC prefer to spend those 5 minutes telling an inspiring story of the hardships some athletes from less-privileged backgrounds (say from Mongolia, or Uzbekistan, or France) must face in trying to not even win a medal in the Olympics, but only qualify or even find the money to travel to the Olympics?  Yes indeed, full retraction issued.  NBC, you suck.

And speaking of stories from the Olympics that aren't getting enough air-time.  Check out British track-cyclist-phenom, Chris Hoy's, hot pants!
"The University's research team said the Adipower muscle-warming pants would offer a "real benefit to performance."

Real benefit indeed!  Rumor has it that the Swedish track team stole a pair of the hot-pants upon arriving in London and decathlete Bjorn Barrefors overdosed on them prior to his pre-competition warm-up....

And this reminds me that one of the least reported stories of this year's Olympics is the supposed sexual proclivity of some of the athletes.  It seems that the media is being very shy about reporting on the issue and I've only seen about 200 articles published on the topic of the athletes humping like little bunnies in the past month.  Luckily, Aussie BMX cyclist Caroline Buchanan is staying "on top" of the situation and brings us the following photo via her Twitter feed:

Yes, apparently the Australian government didn't feel as though the 150,000 condoms that Durex supplied to the athletes for this year's competition would be adequate for their squad so they decided to bring their own.

But if watching your hearthrob's little brother eat his own boogers while wearing hot pants and having casual sex with uber-athletes who are still trying to get rid of the crabs they picked up in Beijing doesn't make you want to live vicariously through the life of an Olympiad, perhaps this website hosted by the BBC will help.  Titled "Your Olympic athlete body match", you can plug in your height and weight and find out which athletes you are closest to in body size.

A mystery to none, I'm of rather large proportions, so was really curious to see which Olympic athlete I might be comparable to.  I figured I probably wouldn't match up with the aforementioned Bjorn Barrefors, or Ryan Lochte (much to the disappointment of the GEEC) but still my hopes were high as I embarked on my athlete body-matching quest.  What I learned was that I am, unfortunately, too big for this frequency distribution and am apparently "off the chart" so to speak.  So, instead of returning a single male athlete's name, the program said I was actually equivalent to the combination of two athletes.  More specifically I'm the size of a double version of Bahrain runner Ali Hasan Maboob.  Don't believe me?  Check out Mahboobs...

1 comment:

  1. Look again, Bjorn Barrefors actually has two penises. A smaller one on the left. Perhaps one is a prosthetic decoy for passing urine doping tests?

    Most likely, he has two penises (and God only knows how many other athletes do as well). This would explain the heavy condom use in the Olympic village. They all have multiple penises and perhaps even some of the women athletes have penises as well.