Thursday, August 30, 2012

And suddenly, nothing happened: Belief and Reverence.

So, today I'm pleased to announce that an interesting thing is happening with the "Lance Armstrong" phenomenon.  Last Thursday, LA opted to not go through arbitration and discuss the evidence against him, which was his right.  USADA subsequently banned Armstrong for life and initiated the process to strip him of all his titles.  I feared that this news would bring the end of Lance Armstrong, as we know him, in a great cacophonous demise.  But since the day the USADA declared their action, things have been relatively quiet.  No anti-Lance protests were noted at the mountain bike race he participated in, nor the marathon he ran the following day.  And not a single anti-Lance peep was uttered from the crowd at the World Cancer Congress in Montreal during his speech in which he actually said "My name is Lance Armstrong.  I am a cancer survivor.  I'm a father of five.  And yes, I won the Tour de France seven times."

I have to be honest. I am amazed he actually said, "My name is Lance Armstrong!"  His humility is endearing, but really - how many people there didn't know who he was!  So fucking talent.

In addition, two articles from well-known sports writers have been published this week that are receiving a lot of attention which further demonstrates that Lance isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Titled "I Still Believe in Lance Armstrong" by Buzz Bissinger, author of Friday Night Lights.
The headline of the article reads "To hell with the doping charges.  Lance Armstrong performed miracles.  Stop tearing down our idols.  Why I still believe."
The second article that caught my eye was authored by ESPN writer Rick Reilly and is titled "Lance is still worth revering."  In his article, Reilly says, "I'm wearing something yellow Friday for Lance Armstrong.....If he cheated in a sport where cheating is as common as eating, then I'm wearing yellow to thank him for everything he's done since he cheated."
You see, this is the beauty of Lance not arbitrating with the USADA.  If he had elected to go forth with a court hearing, he would have been forced to take on USADA all alone (not including the 12 or so ex-Bush administration lawyers he was paying, that is).  But now that he has declined the right to arbitrate, everyone else in America can arbitrate for him...not in an arbitration hearing - but in the court of public opinion - where it really matters!  And thankfully, we are winning!  I just need to decide what I can wear tomorrow that is yellow and that everyone can see easily!  I know just the thing....thank God it is in that perfect hue of Livestrong-Nike Yellow:
However, it is interesting to note from the aforementioned articles that those that support Lance are conceding that he may actually have cheated.  But they don't care.  And further, neither should you.  Why?  Because of cancer, of course.  What does cancer have to do with cheating, you ask?  Well if you have to ask - then you obviously just don't get it.
But hold on a tic - not all of Armstrong's supporters think he dabbled in the juice.  Some actually think there were dark forces, secretly conspiring against Armstrong which ultimately forced him into his current situation.  Here's cycling commentator Phil Liggett accusing US Federal Investigators of trying to pay people to lie about Lance Armstrong, thus fabricating a case against him in order to make themselves appear more legitimate (you can fast forward to minute 12:31 to hear the accusation).

And here's a transcription of the juicy bit if you find Liggett's voice akin to someone sticking a dart in you right ear....really deep....then wiggling it around....especially when he says shit like "argy-bargy." (Don't get me wrong - we all love him and want to sit on his lap and listen to him tell us bed time stories with his cute accent.)

"Again I come back, why is USADA, which is really a nefarious locals drugs agency in the United States, so intent?
Now I can tell you one thing. And I could prove it in SA but I, I went to, I met a chap who worked with Armstrong, err, on Saturday in Boulder Colorado. And he told me that he had a visit, two years ago, err to tell, and the question was, they were agents from a particular agency and, er, they said “will you tell us that Lance Armstrong took EPO? And we could assure that you will never want for money again“. That was his quote on Thursday and he told them in words I can’t put on radio what to do with that and they said “I think we’re talking to the wrong man” and they walked away."
Wow - these are serious accusations!  I hope his source recorded this alleged conversation - because we can't be expected to just believe this because he said he heard it!  Witness testimony is worthless in court from what I hear. 
Anyway, I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking, "Hang on one minute, there PooBah - no way I'm going to let you accuse Phil of making shit up to unilaterally support Lance because of some personal bias!"  Well, don't you worry - I never would.  Why, everyone loves Phil!  He has become the veritable voice of cycling!  We trust him like a gentle grandfather that smells of BenGay and Scotch, pays you a quarter to rub his feet and then asks you to pull his finger.  No way Phil could be so biased and non-objective on this topic - right?  After all, he has always been a stalwart anti-doping advocate.  He regularly vilifies any cyclist being found guilty of doping!  And he always knows how to remain objective...I mean........oh wait, what's this....
Ignore this.  I'm sure this is a photo of Phil admonishing Lance for something and masking it with a smile and a slap on the back for the cameras.  Phil is a bulldog! He's unflappable on the issue of doping - there is no way he could be swayed or persuaded to think Lance wasn't actually.....wait - hang on - what's this?
Oh shit.  Is that Phil sipping on a Starbuck's latte on Lance's personal private jet?  Well, so what if it is?  All these naysayers are already trying to destroy an American Hero that works miracles. There is no way I'm going to let them take down Phil effing Liggett with them!
If Lance is discredited as a great cyclist and a humanitarian, America would never survive!  Our only heroes in this country are self-absorbed, overpaid athletes!  And hardly any of them are cyclists.  Without Lance, no one may ever find the inspiration to ride a bike in the US again!  People with cancer would lose the will to fight!  Wrists around the globe would get cold in the absence of skinny bands of silicone.  Nike would lose the opportunity to use a disease to personally profit.  So won't you join me in wearing yellow tomorrow?  If you don't want to do it for Lance, then at least do it for Nike.  Do it for those little kids in Cambodia sewing the Livestrong tags on your new $200 sneakers.
"Smell that shoe.  Each one comes with an insole with your choice of a scent mixture already impregnated into it that overcomes your foot odor.  Options include 'strawberry-avarice' and 'lilac-anger'.....but my favorite is 'licorice-money."


  1. I really need to quit reading your blog in public places. Too many classmates sitting behind me as I scroll down...

    1. I know - those photos of Phil Liggett are pretty embarassing to be caught looking at....sorry, man.

  2. I just happened to be reading this at work, and my co-worker glanced over and asked if it was me wearing the '(Livestrong) thong'. I said yes! lol

    1. Good on you! I'm in the process of making some COMO CYCO official banana hammocks for cross season - so stay tuned!