Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Cyclocross comes to Columbia

Hey there.  What are you doing tonight?  What if I told you that you could embarrass the shit out of yourself by trying to ride your bike through an illogical maze of barrier tape strewn across a tick-infested field that has been baked in the Missouri sun all summer, and soaked by the remnants of a hurricane all weekend, dismounting to jump over indiscriminately placed pieces of lumber, falling and being trampled by people you once considered your friends, while being relentlessly heckled by complete strangers.....all for five dollars?

Let me rephrase the question.  Do you own a cross bike that you use to leisurely stroll down the KT trail, or to commute to work....or just to look like this guy?
(Holy shit - is that Tony Rigdon's long lost twin brother?)
If the answer to that question is 'yes,' might I suggest that instead of going home after work this evening, you strip the Velo Orange hammered fenders and panniers off of your cross bike and use it the way God intended - as an instrument of self-humiliation!  Come race cross tonight!  "But PooBah," you say, "tonight I was going to curl up on the sofa in my Snuggee and sip on a Bartles and James pomegranate wine cooler and watch the Chronicles of Narnia on HBO!"  Well if that was your original Tuesday night plan - by all means, please don't deviate.  But if you were going to spend the evening paying bills, or fixing the bathroom sink, or getting caught up on some paperwork, skip all of that adulthood crap and come out and play. 
Come on!  Doesn't this look like fun???
Here's the skinny:
Tonight is the first night of a regular Tuesday night 12-week training series in all things Cyclocross right here in Columbia.  Yes you heard me right.  Here - in Columbia.  No driving to Hermann, or St. Louis, or Jeff City.  Cyclocross is here.  Now.  I know, you just got that child-like twinge of excitement that makes you wonder if you have to poop and you have lots of questions:
Where do I go?  Socket Telecom LLC (2703 Clark Lane). map
What the shit is cyclocross?  Here is quick tutorial: link.
What time? A training session will be held for beginners at 5:30 PM.
How long are the races? There will be two 20 minute races.  Race 1 begins at 6:00PM.
How much does it cost?  $5 if you have a USAC license.  $15 if you don't.  (It will be worth it to buy an annual license for $60.)
What do I bring? Yourself, your cross bike, cowbells a camera and a thick, thick skin (and save your race number after tonight!).
What do I NOT bring?  Your dignity, your typical roadie attitude, and your false allusion that coming in first is actually considered winning.
What will I win if I do come in first?  Most likely a PBR shower, and possibly a kiss on the lips from the unofficial Como Cyclocross podium girl Ethan Froese - depending on what kind of a mood he's in.
But I literally have no idea what I'm doing!! That's OK - hecklers don't discriminate - everyone will be made fun of equally.  And look at it this way, if you are knocked unconscious - then the course just got an extra barrier - so it's a bonus!  But if you want to brush up on your Cyclocross knowledge prior to coming out - you can take a refresher quiz here.
But won't there be some really good racers there?  Absolutely - that's the point.  Learn from literally some of the best cross cyclists in the state and come to appreciate the beauty of this sport!
Where do I go for more information?
Visit the official website here: http://www.comocyclocross.com/
See you tonight, kids.

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