Friday, July 30, 2010

Retro Friday

Happy Friday kids!  Tomorrow, of course, is the 2010 Missouri State Time Trial Championship in Jefferson City.  Follow the link for more info.  Sunday is the Missouri State Criterium Championship (link) which comprises a 0.85 mile loop around the Capitol Building.  You can register online or on site that day.  If you are going just to watch, the women's open starts at 2:00 PM and the Men's Pro 1/2 leave at 4:00.  Watch the weather closely as scattered, and possibly severe, thunderstorms are forecasted for both days.  And if you are looking for a little pre-race entertainment, local cycling legend Ethan Froese's band The Derailed Commodities is playing a free show at Mojo's at 5 PM tonight, fresh off of opening for Asleep at the Wheel last night at the Blue Note.

Between my day job (which has kept me pretty occupied this week) and spending time on the bike, I find that I have very little time left for other things.  This has meant that some of my other passions, like taxidermy and playing in my sousaphone quartet (we named ourselves Tuba Fours.....get it?) often get pushed aside.  But one that I always make time for is my constant perusal of all things retro and vintage.  Recently, I stumbled upon a stack of retro bicycle advertisments.  And I have to say, that combining two such entertaining genres like 'retro' and 'bicycles' is a pleasure unrivaled since I realized I could by a BBQ sandwich in a can.

Thus, instead of Friday Mail, I thought today I would share some of my recent retro cycling finds with you, with some commentary, of course.  You will notice a pretty consistent theme throughout these retro bike ads:  70's cycling women had it going on, but the dudes needed some serious help.

Is that Ted Kennedy?  Regardless, the dude knows how to rock a pair of plaid bermudas with some striped, white calf-high sweat socks.  Who says mixed patterns are a new thing in men's fashion?

I think I've finally convinced the COMO CYCO GEEC (my significant other) to wear matching cycling outfits with me....which MUST include short shorts....

Why was the color "diarrhea-mustard-brown" so fricking popular in the 70's?  I would dare say the entire decade was defined by that damned color.  I know my mother dressed (and sent to me to school) in at least two different pairs of pants, one set of pajamas and a polyester shirt that actually had a zipper down the front of it the same color as what Mr. Mann is wearing.  On the upside, however is his lady friend.  I say "Woof woof" for the tight pink sweater, purple hot pants and sweet-ass mixte.

I can't figure out what is going on here, exactly.  I guess the two teeny-boppers in white just finished a tennis match when the hot lady in the miniskirt's little brother showed up in his Garanimals sweater-vest and busted up the date.  Not cool, little man....not cool.

Yup, this makes 5 of 5 retro cycling women who are looking good...this time with a plaid kilt.  Unfortunately, she is hanging with a dude sporting some Sear's Toughskin pants and an overdose of the Dippity-Do hair cream. 

Make that 6 out of 6.  Me likey the knee-high boots and dress on her, but I'm somewhat distrubed by his Robert Plant-tight brown pants. And whereas Ms. Hotty is sporting the cycling-rich colors of Belgium, someone needs to tell Mr. Stuffs-his-crotch that red and brown make him look like a giant bloody turd.....with Farrah hair.  The bikes are cool, though....

I'm going to give her big hair a pass because she actually tolerates riding a tandem with the guy wearing the baby-poop yellow sweater and well-creased slacks. 

Would you look at the prices on those bikes?  I can only hope that the Manta-Ray was sold complete with those pants....vertical stripes are so slimming...if that kid wasn't wearing them, his ass would look absolutely ginormous on his banana seat.

Ok - this one creeps me out a bit. 
#1) Check out Dr. Dementor's lascivious leer
#2) Why is he not wearing a shirt while she is bundled up complete with a scarf on what is supposedly a cold rainy day (note umbrella)?
#3) Where is her right hand?

Is that a young, non-fat Sean Astin, aka 'Samwise Gamgee'?  Ok - this one might have broken my "retro-bike chicks are sweet" rule.....but it looks like it might be more from the 80's than the 70's....

No doubt about this one - that is my man, Sean Connery.....007  himself, kids!  He's smoking Chesterfields, winning bike races and macking on babes.  This man is my fricking hero.....

Ok - this last one really isn't a cycling ad per se, but come on, does it really matter?

Ride safe and have a great weekend. 


  1. Dear Mr Poohbar, I’m sure you noticed it. The pattern, that is. Almost without exception, every ad features hawt laaydees and blokes are a complete dweebs. Or creeps. Or sookey-lah-lahs. I am sure that even during the 50’s the advertising agencies did their research, so what does that say about their target audience? And have things changes since then? I hope so, ‘cos I’m a bloke and like to think of myself as a manly man doing manly things. Even though I wear spandex. And put special cream on my bottom. And shave my legs. And… oh, never mind.

  2. Actually... even weirder than Dr. Dementor's lascivious leer is the specification card just next to him. Does it really say "SMALL CHILDREN" and "HAMSTER"?