Friday, July 23, 2010

Friday Mail...Scaring the crap out of you one photo at a time

By now, everyone has seen or read what happened on the Tourmalet yesterday in the Tour de France.  And as Contador and Shleck battled it out on the epic mountain, the fans were going ballistic, dressed in a variety of spectacular costumes.  However, amidst the frivolity expressed by the giant running water bottle and the Livestrong #8 body stocking dude emerged one particular fan from the crowd whose appearance evoked an immediate sense of terror in me, so much so that I still cannot stop thinking about it.  No - I'm not talking about these guys....although they certainly did instill a certain amount of fear.....
(Especially frightful are the pasty white thighs on French Borat #1.  The way they are pressed on one another is like two giant lumps of dough being squished together.)

No, I'm talking about this guy.

Like some freakish phantasmagoric spectre, this guy burst forth from the crowds wearing pink dishwashing gloves, house slippers, no pants and a young girl's pink raincoat.  Paired with that were his sunken eyes and mouth agape in what must certainly have been a blood curdling scream.  I enlarged his photo and was struck by how much he resembled a pink version of a Sleestak from the old Sid and Marty Krofft show, the Land of the Lost.

Those god damned Sleestaks still scare the shit out me.  If I had been Bert or Andy and this guy had come at me like that, I would have dimsounted immediately and totally 'gone Barredo' on his ass with my front wheel.

Anyway - on to Friday Mail!

Dear PooBah,
I think I spotted you at the Cascades Classic bike race this week, macking on a couple of fine looking promo girls....I recognized you because of your fez.  Nice work, man!
Tim U.

Dammit - You busted me.  I was hoping the beard, sunglasses and World Wildlife Federation totebag would have sufficed for a disguise....but the damned fez will always be my undoing.  I just can't leave home without it.

Dear PooBah,
Firstly, it's important to note that I'm a normal heterosexual and mildly homophobic, very straight, woman-lovin' dude.   I know there are certain practices I have undertaken which may be perceived to have certain homosexual undertones to the uneducated and causal observer.....such as shaving my legs, wearing lycra, applying chamois creme to my nether region, etc.  But I seem to get a disproportionate number of derogatory comments questioning my masculinity from my non-cycling friends....especially if any of them happen to see me on one of my team's group training rides.  How can I dispell this myth?  Here's a photo of last Saturday's training ride...I'm the one in back.
Thanks -
Howie R.

Well you can start by taking the race number off of your bike when you're just training.  That's totally 'ghey'.  Other than that, I think you're good.  By the way, you may want to look for the light switch inside your closet....cause I think you're going to be in there for a while.

Dear PooBah,
As we get nearer to cyclocross season once again, I want to train a couple of guys in my support crew to be able to provide better support to me during handing up fluids and food efficiently.  This is the technique we used last season....which I'm pretty unhappy with.  Can you trouble shoot it for me?
Paul O.

Dude, not to offend Howie above, but it looks like you are staring in some gay porn movie.  At least you had the common sense to shut your eyes before your buddy unleashed on you.....but even that was pretty unnecessary as he is leading you out way too far with the beer stream.  Clearly he is sending you a message that you need to speed up.  At any rate - you need to tell your quarterback to improve his aim a bit or better yet, try a beer bong's a much more direct delivery system.

Hey PooBah,
Check out the haircut.  Bikes are fricking SWEET!
Randy T.

Hey Randy-
Nice one!  Next time try this one out.

Have a great weekend.  Thanks for reading, everyone.  Thursday Caption Contest winner will be announced on Monday!  Ride safe!


  1. I think the Davitamon riders are just trying to work on their tans (cyling tans are the worst). Or are they. What is the following rider spraying.... water or lube?

    I did a few double checks on the chick in the bikini running along side of Andy. I'm pretty sure that she's a she, but a very manly one. I think that everyone around her is excited around her because she's probably yelling that she is indeed more manly than Andy and that she is about to prove it!