Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mea Culpas: Shame, Shame, Shame

As reader, Cody, The Mixed-Up-Robot noticed and correctly indicated, I was not at Flat Branch last night to tend bar, as I told all 12 of you I would be in yesterday's post
Explanations are certainly in order.  Even though the reasons I could not make it are entirely justifiable, I am neverthless feeling pangs of guilt on a level equivalent to when, upon the rare occasion, I find myself in dire need to "go number 2" in a public setting, I will always choose the handicapped stall in the located public restroom, even though I'm not actually handicapped (physically that is).  Yes, I fear that a wheelchaired member of society will corner me one day as I emerge sheepishly from the stall that possesses easily three times the room of a normal stall, but until that day arrives, I cannot resist the urge to sit in business class for free.  The reason I am feeling so guilty about not making it last night is not because I actually believe I stood up a throng of disappointed readers, but rather that I might have made Cody, an admittedly mixed-up robot, actually wear a "green(ish)" thong.  I have it on very good authority that most robots actually prefer flesh-colored thongs as much evidence now supports.
Thus, I can only imagine the embarassment I've caused Cody in making him don a green-ish thong instead, and hope the other robots didn't laugh, call him names or prevent him from playing in their robot games.  If so, please email me and I will make amends by sending you a 4 pack of flesh-colored thongs, so that you never have to suffer this way again.

Now, onto the reason I could not make it last night.  As I left COMO CYCO headquarters and headed towards town on the back of my commuter bike (Ol' Bessie), I happened upon a number of bikes locked to a bike rack and noticed that one of them had some objects impaled upon the spokes of the rear wheel!  Seeing this, I dismounted Bessie and got out my camera phone to take some photos.
Upon closer inspection, I realized that these were oranges that some miscreant had jammed onto the spokes of this otherwise unsuspecting, cheap-ass, department store bike.  At first, the sight of such bicycle defacement angered me.  But then it occured to me that someone had "shamed" this bike because of its cheap and lowly status like a college freshman after a six pack of Natty Light.  Instead of bagels on the nipples and EasyCheese in the crotch, this little bike got some citrus in the spokes.
But as soon as I finished taking the photo, I noticed someone scurrying away from the scene of the shaming by bicycle.  I whistled to Ol' Bessie, but she just lied in the grass and acted like she didn't hear me.  So I grabbed her, hopped on and went after the fleeing culprit, chasing him all the way to Stadium Blvd. where he was trying to make his getaway.
The fellow was wearing a full yellow rain suit, riding a foldable bike loaded with two panniers and carrying a messenger bag full of what appeared to be oranges.  Now I understand the anger that a cheap department store bike can incite in a hardcore cyclist, but I think there is a saying about those who live in glass houses needing to be cautious about casting stones.  At any rate, I attempted to chase the fellow down, but as you can see in the photo above, he was wearing a rear view mirror on his helmet AND was going really, really fast!  Thus, he must have seen me attempting to draft him.  All of a sudden, everything went black and the next thing I knew, I was coming-to in the non-existent bike lane on Stadium with a lump on my forehead and orange pulp on my face.  The Orange bandit escaped and rode away to shame another day as I turned Ol' Bessie toward home to lick my wounded ego and nurse my orange-whooped ass.  So I'm really sorry I wasn't tending bar last night in my leprechaun outfit....believe me, I was more disappointed than you were!

In all seriousness, mine is hardly the most interesting or noteworthy mea culpa in the cycling world today, as ESPN and sports commentator Tony Kornheiser are trying to eat their words over comments Kornheiser made on his radio show regarding cyclists, recently:
"The last time I looked, the roads were made for automobiles.  We're going to be dominated as if this was Beijing by hundreds of thousands of bicyclists....They all God...with the little water bottle in the back and the stupid hats and their shiny shorts. They are the same disgusting poseurs that in the middle of a snowstorm come out with cross-country skiing on your block.  Run 'em down!!!   I don't take my car and ride on the sidewalk because I understand that's not for my car....why do these people think that these roads were built for bicycles?  They dare you to run them down......Tap them....pop them and see what happens"

Lance Armstrong has responded on Twitter:

If listening to this enrages you as much as me...then let ESPN know about it......right here.


  1. If you bike by the oranges bike, then you live close to me... that's close the beginning of my route as well.

  2. Good post, but what a switch of gears going from LMAO about the passed out guy to utter shock and horror concerning the unbelievable comments by Tony Kornheiser. Thanks for adding a link to write ESPN. I did. I hope some good can come from his heinous public statement that unfortunately other haters also believe. It's very sad to hear people say things like that, especially from such a pulpit.

  3. DH: I agree - Kornheiser essentially gave the green light to a bunch of people that already think about hitting us on a daily basis. The fact that ESPN is not firing him and letting him "apologize" today via a conversation with Lance is pathetic. Joke or not, it's just not funny....

  4. Kornheiser's an idiot, and I've been sick of ESPN for years ever since they humanized Michael Vick's jail time. They should be removed from the air.

    Ever since Kornheiser's cowardly comments I've been riding more towards the center of the road.

  5. I remember the time ESPN called Sarah Palin a homerun.