Friday Mail: True or False?

Those of you far-flung readers who don't reside here in the lovely Columbia, MO will likely be unaware that we are in the midst of utter pandomonium due to the invasion of the True/False Film Festival which began last night.  This is the time of year when COMOmians pretend like we actually live in Park City, UT and walk around with laminated passes around our necks and sit through movies about chess and hand-signing chimpanzees and then end up with diaper rash due to the swamp ass that follows trying to cram in 14 movies over a four-day period....that is - if you are into that kind of thing. 

For those of you that are, I give you a challenge!  Traffic downtown is going to be a cluster-fu-man-chu, so why not ride your bike to your movie?  If you do, Cyclextreme is offering FREE valet bike parking both Saturday and Sunday from 12PM until 8 PM at the 10th and Cherry Parking Garage on the Tenth Street entrance.  The COMO bike brigade will park your bike securely out of the weather for no charge.  And if you are feeling extra smug by attending a documentary film festival on bicycle, then why not go the extra mile and give your bike a spa treatment while it is parked?  For $10, the COMO bike brigade will not only park your bike, but clean and lube the chain, clean your rims, deglaze your brake pads and check your pressure for you.  All proceeds go to Zambikes.org, an organization that provides bikes, bike carts and bike ambulances to villages in Zambia.

And with that - let's get to this week's mail!

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Dear Poobah,
About 2 years ago I got tired of riding by myself and tried to start riding with some cyclists here in town that claim to be the "fast group." I am by no means "fast," but thought it would be a great way to meet others and enjoy some of the social aspects of cycling . However, this did not last too long. At every ride I was told to "go big or go home" and because I did not understand what is meant by "go big," I inevitably ended up being shunned and indrectly told to go home. Since then I have been saddened by the lack of social support between cyclists here in Columbia and have spent my time riding alone and pondering what it means to "go big." Finally, in relation to one of your previous posts, I think I have realized the meaning of "going big" by my discovery of the following DVD, along the roadside, while out riding. Is this truly what the fast group means by "go big?" Because if it is, I think I'll just go home.
Thanks,
Frank Catalog

Censored with a single-fezzed Shatner for your protection.

Frank,
Thanks for your note.  This seems to be a common theme.  Let's try to take some lessons from the little item you found along the roadside and apply them to the group you are trying to break into.  I don't expect this will change anyone's opinion - but it's still worth a shot.  Did you ever read that book, "Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten?"  Well - the same holds true for cycling and porn.  Every good director of pornos has already learned that...

1. "You've got to go slow to go fast."  Shooting off your wad every10 minutes of every ride results in some pretty lackluster results.
2. "It's more fun with a partner."  If you are all about seeing how many people you can drop on your group rides, pretty soon, the only one you are going to be playing with is yourself.
3. "New faces are welcome,"  Pornstaches went out a long time ago - so getting some new folks involved keeps things a lot more fun to look at.

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Poobah,
I just wanted to share with you a super secret training device that a certain Howard county native uses...

That's the BOCOMO peloton's own "Benji", with a "saddle cyst" (a.k.a. 80's era ankle weight strapped to his seat post). Dominic Klemme ain't got nuthin' on Benji.

Trevor R.

Trevor,
Thanks so much for the head's up on this little gem.  At first I thought he had applied a muffler to his seat post, which many "hefty riders" will use to quiet the creaks and moans that can come from an overworked seat-post clamp.  By the way - I would be cautious in comparing this Benji to Dominic Klemme....putting a cyclist on a pedastal so high with skin that pale could result in some serious sun burns.

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Dear PooBah,
I just recently started going to a new bike shop because the mechanic there is so friendly and always smiles at me.  The only problem is that he speaks very broken English and has a very thick German accent.  Sometimes I'm not even sure what he is suggesting my bike needs?  Do you think I should stick out the language barrier and keep working with him, or find somebody new?
Thank you!
Kristina L.

Kristina,

First things first, pull your pants up - your muffin top is showing.  Seconly - I'd stick it out with him. Nobody understands mechanical things like the Germans.  And if you play your cards right - Fat Adolf might just invite you back to his fortified bunker one day to show you his wienerschnitzel collection.

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Dear PooBah,
Your recent Swimsuit Edition featured nothing but ladies.  What gives?  I for one would like to see more scantily clad dudes with bicycles.  Can you help a sister out?
Thanks
Emily T.

Emily,

I know.  I've taken a lot of heat over that post.  I hope this will appease you a bit.

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Dear PooBah,
Have you heard about the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic in which cyclists race the steam engine that runs between Durango and Silverton, CO?  I want to try it this year and thought I could train by racing the locomotives here in town.  I'm not part of a team, though.  Do you think without support and sponsorship that I will have a chance? 
Thanks!
Veronika G.

Veronika,

I think your training program will attract a lot of attention....you should secure yourself some sponsorship in no time.

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Have a good weekend, kids.  If you are free around 4:45 today - don't forget to jump in on the True/False March March Parade starting at Sampson Hall by the Stephens College Visitor Center.

Friday Mail: Of racing, art and impending nudity

We start this morning with a little rundown on some local racing.  This weekend finds the Tour de Grove in St. Louis, which is the highest paying single-day race in Missouri.  The NRC premier races will be held on Sunday, but new this year are crits and night street sprints to be held on Saturday.  Follow the link for more information.  And in conjunction with the Tour is Art Crank St. Louis, an exhibit of cycling posters created by local artists to be held at the Atomic Cowboy.  This is a fantastic way to feed a starving artist and get some amazing cycling-related art, like this!

I'm really excited about this, as I've been needing another bike inspired piece of art to compliment my newly purchased oil painting of a serene, yet pensive, Tom Boonen:

I just love this painting.  There is something so angelic about Tommeke here.....his eyes seem to follow me all over COMO CYCO headquarters - no matter where I go. 

And speaking of St. Louis, remember that you only have one more week to decide what you are going to wear for the 2010 World Naked Bike Ride to be held in St. Louis on June 19th!  Here was last year's poster for the event which illustrates a giant headless naked woman who is apparently in the act of dismounting her unicycle so that she can dry hump the St. Louis arch. 

Being the cultivator of a blog that occasionaly shows a scantily clad woman or two astride bicycles, I certainly am not one to criticize about how female cyclists should be portrayed, but is anyone else somewhat disturbed by the fact that the artist of the aforementioned poster chose to draw the naked woman sans head?  Perhaps this year's Naked Ride organizers could meet up with some of the Art Crank artists for a new marketing strategy.

At any rate, I am happy to bring you this week's reader mail.  Have a great weekend!

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Dear PooBah,
Writing you from Nottingham, UK!  I know this is a cycling blog, but were you aware that England will be playing the US in world cup football on Saturday?  Prepare to have your collective bums thoroughly whipped!  By the way, thought you might appreciate a picture of me on my bike!
Cheerio!
Ian

Ian,

Sweet Moulton.  I especially like what you've done with the twin-mounted bottles on the saddle.  It kind of makes it look like you have a little jet pack on your seat.  By the way, I may be mistaken, but it looks like Dr. Who just landed in the woods behind you...better scurry along before he thinks you are representative of cycling culture all over the planet.

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Dear PooBah,
I am a huge advocate for commuting to work by bike and try to encourage those around me to do the same; so much so that I frequently let the people I work with take my bike out to run errands.  However I get sick of seeing the paint job of my vintage road frame nicked and scratched from my co-workers not practicing safe cycling.  So I wrapped the entire thing with old inner tubes.  Do you think this will provide enough protection?
Thanks!
Jerry T.

Jerry,

Wow great idea.  It's kind of like a condom for your bike....just don't forget the higher contact areas that are really at risk....the saddle and the handlebars.  No need to risk exposing them either!

Better yet, why don't you just get one of these for the office?

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Dear PooBah,
I recently had a bad crash on my bike which really deformed the rear fender.  I thought it was trashed but was surprisingly able to bend it back into shape by squeezing it between my thighs.  I just thought I would pass the tip along to your readers in case they found themselves in the same predicament!
Yours
Mary M.

Mary,

Great tip!  Thanks a bunch.  By the way - it looks like you smeared a little grease in your cleavage by accident...or is that a tattoo...or is it hair?  Ummmm...nevermind.  By the way - be careful of those spot-welded stamped drop outs you've jammed into your stays....I'm not sure of the weight-rating on something like that, but....ummmm.... nevermind.  Good luck with the repairs!

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Dear PooBah,
I've been thinking of joining the CBC (Columbia Bike Club) race team but stumbled upon this photo on their website which has me a little worried....I'm not sure I would fit in?
Advice?
Bruce J.

Bruce-

This photo is a little misleading and shouldn't concern or intimidate you.  You don't have to ride carbon deep dish wheels to be on CBC. 

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Good luck to all the folks racing in St. Louis this weekend....be safe!