Friday, March 4, 2011

Friday Mail: True or False?

Those of you far-flung readers who don't reside here in the lovely Columbia, MO will likely be unaware that we are in the midst of utter pandomonium due to the invasion of the True/False Film Festival which began last night.  This is the time of year when COMOmians pretend like we actually live in Park City, UT and walk around with laminated passes around our necks and sit through movies about chess and hand-signing chimpanzees and then end up with diaper rash due to the swamp ass that follows trying to cram in 14 movies over a four-day period....that is - if you are into that kind of thing. 

For those of you that are, I give you a challenge!  Traffic downtown is going to be a cluster-fu-man-chu, so why not ride your bike to your movie?  If you do, Cyclextreme is offering FREE valet bike parking both Saturday and Sunday from 12PM until 8 PM at the 10th and Cherry Parking Garage on the Tenth Street entrance.  The COMO bike brigade will park your bike securely out of the weather for no charge.  And if you are feeling extra smug by attending a documentary film festival on bicycle, then why not go the extra mile and give your bike a spa treatment while it is parked?  For $10, the COMO bike brigade will not only park your bike, but clean and lube the chain, clean your rims, deglaze your brake pads and check your pressure for you.  All proceeds go to, an organization that provides bikes, bike carts and bike ambulances to villages in Zambia.

And with that - let's get to this week's mail!

Dear Poobah,
About 2 years ago I got tired of riding by myself and tried to start riding with some cyclists here in town that claim to be the "fast group." I am by no means "fast," but thought it would be a great way to meet others and enjoy some of the social aspects of cycling . However, this did not last too long. At every ride I was told to "go big or go home" and because I did not understand what is meant by "go big," I inevitably ended up being shunned and indrectly told to go home. Since then I have been saddened by the lack of social support between cyclists here in Columbia and have spent my time riding alone and pondering what it means to "go big." Finally, in relation to one of your previous posts, I think I have realized the meaning of "going big" by my discovery of the following DVD, along the roadside, while out riding. Is this truly what the fast group means by "go big?" Because if it is, I think I'll just go home.
Frank Catalog

Censored with a single-fezzed Shatner for your protection.

Thanks for your note.  This seems to be a common theme.  Let's try to take some lessons from the little item you found along the roadside and apply them to the group you are trying to break into.  I don't expect this will change anyone's opinion - but it's still worth a shot.  Did you ever read that book, "Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten?"  Well - the same holds true for cycling and porn.  Every good director of pornos has already learned that...
  1. "You've got to go slow to go fast."  Shooting off your wad every10 minutes of every ride results in some pretty lackluster results.
  2. "It's more fun with a partner."  If you are all about seeing how many people you can drop on your group rides, pretty soon, the only one you are going to be playing with is yourself.
  3. "New faces are welcome,"  Pornstaches went out a long time ago - so getting some new folks involved keeps things a lot more fun to look at.

I just wanted to share with you a super secret training device that a certain Howard county native uses...

That's the BOCOMO peloton's own "Benji", with a "saddle cyst" (a.k.a. 80's era ankle weight strapped to his seat post). Dominic Klemme ain't got nuthin' on Benji.

Trevor R.

Thanks so much for the head's up on this little gem.  At first I thought he had applied a muffler to his seat post, which many "hefty riders" will use to quiet the creaks and moans that can come from an overworked seat-post clamp.  By the way - I would be cautious in comparing this Benji to Dominic Klemme....putting a cyclist on a pedastal so high with skin that pale could result in some serious sun burns.

Dear PooBah,
I just recently started going to a new bike shop because the mechanic there is so friendly and always smiles at me.  The only problem is that he speaks very broken English and has a very thick German accent.  Sometimes I'm not even sure what he is suggesting my bike needs?  Do you think I should stick out the language barrier and keep working with him, or find somebody new?
Thank you!
Kristina L.

First things first, pull your pants up - your muffin top is showing.  Seconly - I'd stick it out with him. Nobody understands mechanical things like the Germans.  And if you play your cards right - Fat Adolf might just invite you back to his fortified bunker one day to show you his wienerschnitzel collection.

Dear PooBah,
Your recent Swimsuit Edition featured nothing but ladies.  What gives?  I for one would like to see more scantily clad dudes with bicycles.  Can you help a sister out?
Emily T.

I know.  I've taken a lot of heat over that post.  I hope this will appease you a bit.

Dear PooBah,
Have you heard about the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic in which cyclists race the steam engine that runs between Durango and Silverton, CO?  I want to try it this year and thought I could train by racing the locomotives here in town.  I'm not part of a team, though.  Do you think without support and sponsorship that I will have a chance? 
Veronika G.

I think your training program will attract a lot of should secure yourself some sponsorship in no time.

Have a good weekend, kids.  If you are free around 4:45 today - don't forget to jump in on the True/False March March Parade starting at Sampson Hall by the Stephens College Visitor Center.


  1. I have a good explanation of how a video like this was found in a road ditch by a local bicyclist and then appeared on this blog.

    I expect that one of the local hillbillies finally got that new fangled “Internet” and was eager to purchase a video online called, "Zero Tolerance." After realizing that it was not about honking at bicyclists, he was disappointed.

    Then, once he saw the cover and realized that having a giant cock can be a literal term and not entirely dependent upon the size of your pickup truck he threw it out the window in frustration. I mean, how could society steer him so wrong? What WAS the meaning of all those truck commercials he had seen all those years?

    What I do not understand is why a bicyclist photographed it. I guess only he knows the reason and only his god can judge him.

  2. Funding sounds like a really cool idea, but so would funding the Benji. He's not as poor as the recipients of the, but he is local and he breaks more derailleurs and such than most Africans.

    The Hitler photo kind of interested me. I'm not totally sure why, but I did notice what appears to be the formation of a rainbow coming off of his flip-flops. I think this is a sign that there won't be another world war. What else could it possibly mean?