Monday, May 17, 2010

Road Enthusiast Associated Douchism: Is there a cure?

Before we begin today, apologies are in order regarding my reporting of registration for the Hellbender Crit and Road Race this past weekend.  Thanks to a couple of readers, I was informed that although regular registration closed on the 10th, same day registration was permitted.  I heard rumors that the Crit was cancelled, and am not sure about the road race yet, but if you missed it because of me, I hope you curled up on the couch in your Snuggie and watched some cyclists shlepping through the mud and rain instead of doing it yourself. 

I have to admit to being a road cycling 'enthusiast'.  Which, in my opinion, is a rather derogatory term to refer to a cyclist who possesses much enthusiasm about the sport, has just enough money to purchase decent equipment, and yet has very little talent.  In this way, the level of enthusiast status can be measured by the following formula: 

where E = enthusiasm, M = money, and C = cluelessness....which is squared, (very important to note)

Mosts enthusiasts, have the financial means to discriminate between varying levels of component quality, although ironically, little of it ultimately affects performance.  For example, for me to purchase new DuraAce pedals instead of Ultegra to spare several grams of weight, is like Rush Limbaugh ordering a diet Coke with his two Big Macs and supersized fries because he's on a diet. 

That said, I was faced with this same decision making conundrum last week when considering the purchase of a new saddle.  As indicated in haiku fashion on Friday, my Specialized Toupe and I have been having a rather troubled relationship lately with the former perfecting the art of irritating the hell out of my nether region.  Thus, I swung by the bike shop to pick up the new Specialized Romin based on this review I read in Bicycling (the cycling enthusiast's magazine of choice):

According to the review, Specialized consulted with two "crack consultants" when designing the new Romin.  Although my old saddle wasn't irritating my "crack" as much as the region precisely in front of my crack, I still thought the expertise of crack consultants wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing when having a saddle designed.  At any rate, I noted that I had two choices with the Romin....the basic model with Chromoly rails, or the Romin SL with titanium.  The difference between the two was roughly 25 grams and $40.  With no SLs in stock, I had to go with the Chromoly and have to say that after 100+ miles on the Romin, I am quite pleased.  Having reviewed my experience with the Toupe in haiku format Friday, I decided to do the same for the Romin today:
Specialized Romin
Firm, yet supportive are you
Turtle is grateful

Despite being happy with the comfort of the new saddle, the enthusiast in me still wondered what the additional 25 grams I would be carrying with the Chromoly rails would mean for my performance.  Lucky for me, with my viewing of the Giro d'Italia all weekend on Universal Sports, I saw a commercial repeated numerous times for a product that could prove to be extrememly helpful not only in my attempt to offset the extra weight of Chromoly saddle rails, but also my condition of Road Enthusiast Associated Douchism:

This incredibly informative ad starts by outlining the dangers of not defecating  frequently enough:

And while this is all fine and good, the commercial didn't really grab my attention until they showed a chart demonstrating the association between body weight and defecation frequency (or lack thereof).

Thus, according to this data, each time you deny yourself a bowel movement, you are nearly packing the equivalent of a 5 pound sledgehammer in your colon.....not literally, of course, unless you are in to that kind of thing (not that there is anything wrong with that)....just metaphorically.  And if you don't pinch off a loaf for three days - you could be stowing away the equivalent mass of a large human head up your, I can only imagine that this would make you very, very grumpy.  This explains a lot considering some of the people I work with who both have their heads up their asses and are quite grumpy.  Next, the commercial highlighted some of the active ingredients of the all-natural Colon Flow.

It's the last ingredient that must work all the magic....."The Slippery Elm."  I'm sure psyllium seeds, husks, apples and ginger don't hurt in lubing up the works as well, but there is just something about slippery elm which makes me think that after a couple of days of popping these babies, you will be shitting like a goose.

This is obviously great news for me.  No longer do I have to worry about spending a lot of money to purchase lighter components.  Considering 4.5 pounds is approximately 2,045 grams, for the small cost of some processed slippery elm and the time it takes to visit the bathroom 12 to 15 times a day, I can achieve the equivalent weight reduction advantages of pimping my ride with the lightest carbon and titanium components money can buy!  Thus, I contend, that for 98% of roadie enthusiasts, the incentive to spend forty extra dollars to buy the saddle with titanium rails versus Chromoly to conserve 25 grams is a rather douchetastic sentiment when simply taking a big one can do the trick.

But as race season gets into full swing now with both the Giro d'Italia and the Tour of California occuring simultaneously, douchism amongst the average road cycling enthusiast ramps up to a fervor akin to a schoolchild getting hopped up on Christmas candy late in the month of December.  Take the individual in this video who witnesses Tom Boonen crashing during the end of the first stage of the Tour of California yesterday and what he does with his bicycle at the 0:50 mark while Boonen lies dazed upon the pavement, not 20 feet away.

Tour of California 2010, Stage One, Sacramento crash w/ George Hincapie, Tom Boonen plus others from nckmllr on Vimeo.

Yes, big boy, you are holding Tom Boonen's bike and had the moment captured on film.  Congratulations.  Now maybe let's make sure the Belgian sprint champion doesn't have CSF fluid leaking out of his ears - what do you say?  This guy definitely is packing 13.5 pounds of extra weight judging by how far up his ass his own head is.....I just hope he saw the same Colon Flow commercial I did.  Honestly, I think Colon Flow could end up being the antidote to many clinical signs associated with road enthusiast associated douchism.  I've already ordered my free 30 day supply - so I'll let you know in a month.


  1. Poobah, your cost per/gram analysis is brilliant! Also I laughed so hard, that I am several grams lighter. You are a master blogger.

    Concerning colon flow: I'm ahead of you in that I tried a round of "Super Cleanse" from our very own Clovers Market earlier in the season. It also had slippery elm, but I didn't lose much weight:-(

    Strangely, Ethan took great joy and laughter at hearing that was taking something to cleanse my colon. :-(

  2. I like the statement in the Colon Flow ad stating "your area has been specifically selected for this great offer on colon flow." Because we are full of sh*t, thank you producers of colon flow.