No time today for a lengthy post. But I did want to make special note of Taylor Phinney's recent Twitter exhibition of what I consider to be the beating heart of the true Olympic spirit: horniness.
How else can you explain a blatant exploitation of the soul-crushing loss of someone's dreams and aspirations for the last 8 years as your own personal hole-shot for a hook-up?
Who says the individual pursuit isn't an Olympic event this year?
Sometimes (frequently) my day job is incredibly busy for stretches that last weeks at a time. I'm in one of those stretches right now. During times like this, it is difficult to do other things like spend time with the GEEC, or ride my bike, or blog, or read, or play with the dog as much as I would like. And while the dog will still be happy to play with me late at night when I sometimes get home, and my books will wait patiently on the nightstand for me, and not that many people really read this blog anyway, and the GEEC is usually happy to have a break from me now and then.....not riding really gets me down. Because not only do I lose the daily stress-relief that comes with an early morning or evening ride, but if too many days go by, then I feel myself losing a fitness level that is not easily achieved for me, and I start to slide backward. And this is beyond frustrating. I stop feeling relevant and part of the group that, for whatever reason, I try so desperately to be relevant in. This reminded me of something I read on BikeSnob's blog yesterday....
Yesterday, BikeSnob NYC commented on the New York cyclist and master's Cat 2 amateur racer David Anthony who recently tested positive for EPO at this year's NYC Gran Fondo. The New York Times ran a story on he and other amateur cyclists who have recently been caught doping and quote Anthony as saying:
"It wasn't for money, and it wasn't for winning," said Anthony, a three-time winner of the Tour of Battenkill race in upstate New York. "It was about being relevant in the group, which was pretty addicting."
BSNYC does a pretty good job (as ever) at mocking Anthony, and specifically takes aim at his motivation. He says:
"Winning, I can understand, but he actually did it for social standing?"
Snob then suggests Anthony has less hope at redemption that someone who serially abuses cocaine. I certainly am not condoning Anthony's actions in any way. However, if there was ever a motivation for doping that I could at least comprehend, feeling "relevant" in a group would be it.
This brings me to the Olympic Road Races of this past weekend, of which I made several observations.
#1) The future of men's American cycling is so bright, it needs to wear shades. At one point, there were three breaks that had formed on successive trips up Box Hill, and each one had an American in it: Timmy Duggan, Tejay van Garderen and Taylor Phinney. They were tenacious, relentless and passionate literally, to the bitter end.
#2) Ditto for the women's race. Evelyn Stevens and Shelley Olds' relentless attacks through the rain and slop were nothing less than pure inspiration. On any given day, they could have been on that podium.
#3) For the several Lance-supporters who have told me they were disappointed to see a former doper (Vinokurov) win the men's race. It truly is the time to wake up and smell the turd in the chamois, guys.
#4) Giro winner Ryder Hesjedal auctioned off his pink jersey to financially support country mate and fellow cyclist Denise Ramsden so that she could compete in this year's Olympic games. One hundred Canadian Olympic athletes were short of funds to be able to compete, but thanks to the $10,300 that Hesjedal's jersey brought, Ramsden's trip was covered and then some.
And in case you needed any more inspiring stories....check this out.
Talk about low-hanging fruit. This is almost too easy. What can one say really? The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree? Like mother like daughter? Don't worry, Mark - at least when your daughter's mother lifts up her dress, she does so while contemplating troubling geopolitical issues...Take this interview Peta Todd did for Loaded Magazine in which her dress has most definitely been lifted, but which doesn't stop her from thinking deep thoughts...
I sleep better at night knowing that while Peta Todd is showing her ass, she is also worried about the goings on in Pyongyang. It's certainly more than what I am capable of when I am showing my ass, which usually occurs when the GEEC is eating her breakfast in the morning before work and I saunter out of the shower and drop my towel, turn around and say "Hey honey, did you see that beautiful full moon this morning?" But as we've recently learned from Bradley Wiggins, Brits truly have their own unique vocabulary. For example, in America, we use the term "couch potatoes" to describe the slothful, but in England, they are called "bone-idle wankers" as Wiggins instructed us not long ago. However, it seems to me that the terms "wanker" and the state of being "bone-idle" seem to be contradictory (because if you are of the male persuasion, your 'bone' is anything but idle if you are......anyway - you get the picture.) But what do I know - I'm just a "Yank" (which coincidentally enough, is a synonym of "wank" isn't it?) At any rate - in specific reference to Peta and Mark and their concerns over the newly demonstrated exhibitionist tendencies of their daughter, the term "ass" when referencing one's posterior, isn't really even used in England as far as I can tell. It's called an "arse" or "bum," I believe.
And the discussion of "bums" brings me to what I really wanted to talk about today. Not English "bums" but the good old-fashioned American version. As you know, a little sports competition is set to begin this weekend in London called the Olympics, and there will be a handful of men and women riding their bikes in it. On Saturday and Sunday are the men's and women's road races, respectively, and on Wednesday is the time trial. I was curious to see who was going to be representin' (which is an American term) for the various countries, so I checked out this website showing the London Olympic 2012 cyclist's profiles complete with pictures used on their official ID badges.
I was struck by how much the photos resemble mug-shots and look like a cavalcade of the homeless and incarcerated. For your viewing pleasure, I bring you my favorites with some fictional charges they may have been brought in for.
Sylvain Chavenel:
Heavily intoxicated, he was arrested Monday morning at 3:30 AM in a Paris disco for asking a waitress to "rub his sore joint".
Taylor Phinney:
Brought in for questioning early yesterday regarding the theft of three extra boxes of condoms from the Olympic dispensary. Upon questioning, Phinney stated, "You can never have too many spares...I live in fear of a puncture when I'm riding."
Frank Schleck:
Arrested last week for disorderly conduct when he was caught urinating through the open sunroof of a Nissan Altima owned by one Johan Bruyneel. When questioned, he said, "I just suddenly had to go pee-pee very, very badly...."
Jakob Fuglsang:
Charged in Austria with indecent exposure when he tried to get a female pedestrian to fondle his "prized bratwurst" won during the recent Tour of Austria.
Fabian Cancellara:
Interrogated last week for allegedly dispensing diuretics without a license.
Cadel Evans:
Confused and disoriented, he was arrested late last Sunday evening for disorderly conduct when he was discovered staggering down the middle of the Champs-Elysees wearing a 2011 maillot jaune and no pants, saying he was looking for his lost stuffed lion plushie.
Branislau Samoilau:
Questioned Tuesday evening in London for the theft of Jonathan Vaughter's favorite argyle cardigan.
Peter Sagan:
Arrested for lewd conduct Wednesday morning in the outskirts of London during a training ride because passers by complained he had a cucumber stuffed down the front of his chamois shorts. Upon further questioning, the accused, who is also known as "The Velvet Samurai," explained that he was just practicing his new victory salute for when he wins the Olympic road race. An ensuing search was unable to identify any vegetable in his pants, however. Charges were dropped. Bonsai.
Chris Horner:
Arrested for indecency when he was caught in public kissing the exposed derriere of an adult male wearing a Texas Longhorn's jersey with a giant yellow number '7' printed on it.
Timmy Duggan:
Found guilty of total bad-assery. Go get 'em Timmy!
This past Wednesday was the first official day of Summer, which means that Tuesday was Summer's Eve.
And this reminds me that I have, in my juvenile brain, something I call a "Douchemeter". Essentially, this is a barometer by which I judge a person's douchiness, and just like pressure systems in weather patterns, the amplitude of one's douchiness can also vary dramatically on any given day or week. I've always had this meter in my brain, even as a youngster back in the 80's, although then it was a much more primitive version which I referred to as a "Renob-O-gram." At any rate, using the Douchemeter, I'm able to actually quantify a person's douchiness and measure it in specific units called "Riccos".
I bring this up now, because this week I've witnessed the meteoric rise of douchiness of several key members of Team RadioSchlep. Firstly, Johan Bruyneel: Make no mistake, his Ricco count was already impressive when he left Chris Horner off of the forthcoming Tour de France long roster list, but didn't have the decency to tell him, rather letting Chris' wife read about it on the Internet. But then Horner picked up some Riccos himself by sacrificing all self-respect and pandering to the Bruyneel after the snub saying publicly that he thinks Lance Armstrong never doped, and that, oh yeah - he still really wants to race in the Tour de France....like, really really bad. So Bruyneel proved why he is team leader by snatching one metric fuck-ton of Riccos by putting Horner on the final Tour de France squad and eliminating Jakob Fuglsang. Yeah - the same Jakob Fuglsang who raced in the Tour de Suisse in support of Frankie Schleck and also won the Tour of Luxembourg recently. Oh yeah - and a couple of days after not being declared good enough to race with Team RadioShitz, Fuglsang goes out and wins the Danish National Time Trial. In the meantime Horner has been....um....engaged in special secret training??
#fuglscrewed
And everyone is well aware of Andy Schleck's issues this spring. After being repeatedly dropped in the Criterium du Dauphine on a bunch of rolling stages during which he was said to be "deploying his Schleck-chute," said 'chute then apparently caught a nasty cross wind in the individual time trial and Andy crashed and fractured his sacrum. Well - not to be outdone by his brother, in advance of the Tour de France, Frankie deploys his own Schleck-chute before the race even has a chance to begin by publicly declaring he does not want to be team leader for the Tour! This is an unprecedented early deployment of the 'chute even by Schleck standards. This registered high on the Douchemeter and also earned he and his brother commemorative t-shirts available from Cyclismas.
Only 29.99 but supplies are limited! Act now!
And speaking of douches and the Tour de France, what's going on with Mark Cavendish? Well, he will be the first Briton to wear the rainbow jersey in the Tour as current World Champion in 46 years. Unfortunately for him, the Team Sky tour roster has been designed around those able to help teammate Bradley Wiggins in the mountains as he will be contending for the general classification, meaning that Cavendish will only have a single true lead-out man for the sprints: Edvald Boasson Hagen (Or as we like to refer to him: Eddie Bo-Hog). This has lead some analysts to think that Cavendouche will not perform as well in this year's Tour without having the typical 4 or 5 man leadout train. Honestly, I don't know what these skeptics are talking about. Cavs will still have a 5-man lead out train, it just so happens that they will all be wearing Liquigas kits.
Enough of that....let's get to a little mail:
Dear PooBah,
I'm heading over to France this week to photograph the big race and I cannot wait. Having never travelled to Europe before though, I'm a little bit worried about avoiding the "ugly American tourist" stigma and am hoping I will be able to blend in easily. Do you have any suggestions on how best to accomplish that?
Thanks
Thomas
Thomas
Great question. As a budding amateur photographer myself, and one to never shy away from getting close to the action along side many a race, I'm going to give you my magic combination of apparel items that will keep you cool, comfortable and feeling right at home in any European country: Pink straw fedora, extra small running shorts and sandals.....no shirt.
Me in action.
Dear PooBah,
I'm intrigued by the concept of compression socks in aiding recovery following rides. I'm a rather large guy - I think some call us "Clydesdales" - and am wondering if there is any evidence out there that would suggest that larger cyclists would see benefits from compression cycling apparel?
Thanks so much!
Henry
Henry-
Actually yes. There is some data obtained from an animal model that examined the use of compression wear in larger species.....actually wait, no....this was actually taken from a bestiality S and M latex-fetish trade show.....never mind.
Dear PooBah,
Rumor on the street is that Taylor Phinney is quite the ladies man. This makes sense to me - he's a rising star in American cycling, and garnered a lot of attention at this year's Giro as the first American to wear pink since Christian VandeVelde did several years ago! And now that he's heading back to the Olympics as a young attractive bachelor to represent the USA in the time trial, one has to wonder what kind of shenanigans he might get into with the female gymnasts in the Olympic village???
Any speculation?
Kerry
Kerry-
Yeah - I think Taylor is liking life right now - and deservedly so. I just hope he is able to "conceal his happiness" with some discretion while in London....
Dear PooBah,
I was walking down 9th street today and just happened upon this bike that has been modified for bike polo locked up.
What is concerning is what I saw secured to the head tube with electrical tape!
A flipping pistol! What do you make of this? Paul
Paul-
Yeah, this is concerning to say the least. He's NEVER going to be able to retrieve that gun quickly enough if it is wrapped up in electrical tape like that. He really ought to invest in a frame-mounted holster which should give him much more easy access in case he needs to drop somebody pilfering his cooler of PBR in the middle of a polo match.
Dear PooBah, My cassette freehub is making an awful squealing sound when I make a rapid descent. Can you look at this photo of it and tell me what you think might be wrong with it? Thank you so much - Lilly
Lilly,
Honestly, your hub body looks pretty good from where I'm sitting.....but I'd still be happy to come over and oil your bearings for you if you think it might help?
