The British (Olympics) are coming! Quit idling your bones!

Talk about low-hanging fruit.  This is almost too easy.  What can one say really?  The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree?  Like mother like daughter?  Don't worry, Mark - at least when your daughter's mother lifts up her dress, she does so while contemplating troubling geopolitical issues...Take this interview Peta Todd did for Loaded Magazine in which her dress has most definitely been lifted, but which doesn't stop her from thinking deep thoughts...

I sleep better at night knowing that while Peta Todd is showing her ass, she is also worried about the goings on in Pyongyang.  It's certainly more than what I am capable of when I am showing my ass, which usually occurs when the GEEC is eating her breakfast in the morning before work and I saunter out of the shower and drop my towel, turn around and say "Hey honey, did you see that beautiful full moon this morning?"  But as we've recently learned from Bradley Wiggins, Brits truly have their own unique vocabulary.  For example, in America, we use the term "couch potatoes" to describe the slothful, but in England, they are called "bone-idle wankers" as Wiggins instructed us not long ago.  However, it seems to me that the terms "wanker" and the state of being "bone-idle" seem to be contradictory (because if you are of the male persuasion, your 'bone' is anything but idle if you are......anyway - you get the picture.)  But what do I know - I'm just a "Yank" (which coincidentally enough, is a synonym of "wank" isn't it?)  At any rate - in specific reference to Peta and Mark and their concerns over the newly demonstrated exhibitionist tendencies of their daughter, the term "ass" when referencing one's posterior, isn't really even used in England as far as I can tell.  It's called an "arse" or "bum," I believe. 

And the discussion of "bums" brings me to what I really wanted to talk about today.  Not English "bums" but the good old-fashioned American version.  As you know, a little sports competition is set to begin this weekend in London called the Olympics, and there will be a handful of men and women riding their bikes in it.  On Saturday and Sunday are the men's and women's road races, respectively, and on Wednesday is the time trial.  I was curious to see who was going to be representin' (which is an American term) for the various countries, so I checked out this website showing the London Olympic 2012 cyclist's profiles complete with pictures used on their official ID badges. 

I was struck by how much the photos resemble mug-shots and look like a cavalcade of the homeless and incarcerated.  For your viewing pleasure, I bring you my favorites with some fictional charges they may have been brought in for. 

Sylvain Chavenel:

Heavily intoxicated,  he was arrested Monday morning at 3:30 AM in a Paris disco for asking a waitress to "rub his sore joint".

Taylor Phinney:

Brought in for questioning early yesterday regarding the theft of three extra boxes of condoms from the Olympic dispensary.  Upon questioning, Phinney stated, "You can never have too many spares...I live in fear of a puncture when I'm riding."

Frank Schleck:

Arrested last week for disorderly conduct when he was caught urinating through the open sunroof of a Nissan Altima owned by one Johan Bruyneel.  When questioned, he said, "I just suddenly had to go pee-pee very, very badly...."

Jakob Fuglsang:

Charged in Austria with indecent exposure when he tried to get a female pedestrian to fondle his "prized bratwurst" won during the recent Tour of Austria.

Fabian Cancellara:

Interrogated last week for allegedly dispensing diuretics without a license.

Cadel Evans:

Confused and disoriented, he was arrested late last Sunday evening for disorderly conduct when he was discovered staggering down the middle of the Champs-Elysees wearing a 2011 maillot jaune and no pants, saying he was looking for his lost stuffed lion plushie.

Branislau Samoilau:

Questioned Tuesday evening in London for the theft of Jonathan Vaughter's favorite argyle cardigan.

Peter Sagan:

Arrested for lewd conduct Wednesday morning in the outskirts of London during a training ride because passers by complained he had a cucumber stuffed down the front of his chamois shorts.  Upon further questioning, the accused, who is also known as "The Velvet Samurai," explained that he was just practicing his new victory salute for when he wins the Olympic road race.  An ensuing search was unable to identify any vegetable in his pants, however.  Charges were dropped. Bonsai.

Chris Horner:

Arrested for indecency when he was caught in public kissing the exposed derriere of an adult male wearing a Texas Longhorn's jersey with a giant yellow number '7' printed on it.

Timmy Duggan:

Found guilty of total bad-assery. Go get 'em Timmy!

2012 Tour de France: The Best and Worst

For the two or three of you that actually read this blog, you may have noticed that I didn't post anything last week.  That is because the GEEC and I decided to skip town with the COMO CYCO dog in pursuit of cooler climates which were happily discovered far, far away at a much, much higher altitude thankfully.  But what we gained in more pleasurable weather and scenery, we lost in Tour de France viewing, unfortunately.  So today I'm left trying to pick up the scraps of everything that went down in the past week.  Perhaps you missed a thing or two as well.  Just in case, let's catch up with some of the best and worst moments of the last week of the 2012 Tour!

Biggest prick in the 2012 Tour de France peloton?

That would have to go to the Stage 17 fan on the climb to Peyragudes....(credit)

Egoi Martinez was amused....passenger on AG2R motorbike - not so much.  But the man in the hat and little else prompted hashtags ranging from #dongstrong to #ricardo montaldong on Twitter.

Most aggressive former cyclist in the 2012 Tour de France?

Easy - Bernard Hinault on the final podium in Paris - chucking a trespassing hipster off stage and into the front row!  The Badger still has it!

Most unsurprising Tweet sent by a cycling spouse during the Tour?

Mark Cavendish's frequently half-naked girl informing the world she forgot her knickers.....shocker.

Biggest cycling news distraction from the 2012 Tour?

Lance Armstrong using Livestrong money and personnel to lobby against USADA who is currently charging him with doping.  Livestrong's purpose is supposed to be to raise cancer awareness isn't it?

"If I hold my thumb like zis, and speak wiz a German accent, I look a leetle bit like Hitler, ya?"

2012 Tour Team which invokes the most love-hate feelings?

RadioShack Nissan Trek...

Love: Jakob Fuglsang.

Despite not being paid by his team, then being removed from the Tour roster and any other UCI World Tour competitions by bossman "Hog" Bruyneel, Jakob still goes ahead and wins every other race he enters this summer...(incluing the Tour of Austria and a giant sausage) while the man who attempted to shackle him awaits formal doping charges.  Suck on that salami, Hog.

Hate: Chris Horner

(credit)

Way to cover what was supposed to be George Hincapie's solo ceremonial break-away and then awkwardly suck his wheel 100 meters in front of the peloton on the Champs Elysees, stealing his glory for riding in the most Tours de France of any cyclist, you ass-munch. 

Cyclist who breathed the freshest air into the 2012 Tour?

Sagan, of course.  Not content with three stage wins and invoking the likes of Forrest Gump, a chicken and the Hulk during his victory salutes, Sagan attempts to steal more hearts by boob-raping female fans with magic markers.

Most insensitive photo posted on Twitter during the 2012 Tour ?

Richie Porte of Team Sky, crashed out on the couch in his tighty blackies and teddy the day after the Tour.....photo taken and posted by his girl Tiffany.....very not cool.

T-shirt with the least-veiled double meaning worn by a significant other during the Tour?

Christian Knees' girlfriend's shirt reading: "I heart CK."

Worst execution of a stoic game face in a period of great suffering during the 2012 Tour?

This one is a tie between SaxoBank's Chris Anker Sorensen literally every single day....

....and Bradley Wiggins' expression while on the podium in Paris during the singing of his National Anthem by Lesley Garret:

I'm giving this one to Wiggins because, as painful as that performance of God Save the Queen was, Anker Sorensen actually shaved two of his fingers down to bone when he reached his hand into his own moving spokes to retrieve some stuck paper, yet still finished the tour as "Most Aggressive Rider" while Wiggins only contemplated shaving his ears off in spokes during the performance of his national anthem.

What was your favorite Tour moment?  Discuss!

Summer is here: I've got that not-so-fresh feeling.

This past Wednesday was the first official day of Summer, which means that Tuesday was Summer's Eve. 

And this reminds me that I have, in my juvenile brain, something I call a "Douchemeter".  Essentially, this is a barometer by which I judge a person's douchiness, and just like pressure systems in weather patterns, the amplitude of one's douchiness can also vary dramatically on any given day or week.  I've always had this meter in my brain, even as a youngster back in the 80's, although then it was a much more primitive version which I referred to as a "Renob-O-gram."  At any rate, using the Douchemeter, I'm able to actually quantify a person's douchiness and measure it in specific units called "Riccos".

I bring this up now, because this week I've witnessed the meteoric rise of douchiness of several key members of Team RadioSchlep.  Firstly, Johan Bruyneel: Make no mistake, his Ricco count was already impressive when he left Chris Horner off of the forthcoming Tour de France long roster list, but didn't have the decency to tell him, rather letting Chris' wife read about it on the Internet.  But then Horner picked up some Riccos himself by sacrificing all self-respect and pandering to the Bruyneel after the snub saying publicly that he thinks Lance Armstrong never doped, and that, oh yeah - he still really wants to race in the Tour de France....like, really really bad.  So Bruyneel proved why he is team leader by snatching one metric fuck-ton of Riccos by putting Horner on the final Tour de France squad and eliminating Jakob Fuglsang.  Yeah - the same Jakob Fuglsang who raced in the Tour de Suisse in support of Frankie Schleck and also won the Tour of Luxembourg recently.  Oh yeah - and a couple of days after not being declared good enough to race with Team RadioShitz, Fuglsang goes out and wins the Danish National Time Trial.  In the meantime Horner has been....um....engaged in special secret training??

#fuglscrewed

And everyone is well aware of Andy Schleck's issues this spring.  After being repeatedly dropped in the Criterium du Dauphine on a bunch of rolling stages during which he was said to be "deploying his Schleck-chute," said 'chute then apparently caught a nasty cross wind in the individual time trial and Andy crashed and fractured his sacrum.  Well - not to be outdone by his brother, in advance of the Tour de France, Frankie deploys his own Schleck-chute before the race even has a chance to begin by publicly declaring he does not want to be team leader for the Tour!  This is an unprecedented early deployment of the 'chute even by Schleck standards.  This registered high on the Douchemeter and also earned he and his brother commemorative t-shirts available from Cyclismas.

Only 29.99 but supplies are limited!  Act now!

And speaking of douches and the Tour de France, what's going on with Mark Cavendish?  Well, he will be the first Briton to wear the rainbow jersey in the Tour as current World Champion in 46 years.  Unfortunately for him, the Team Sky tour roster has been designed around those able to help teammate Bradley Wiggins in the mountains as he will be contending for the general classification, meaning that Cavendish will only have a single true lead-out man for the sprints: Edvald Boasson Hagen (Or as we like to refer to him: Eddie Bo-Hog).  This has lead some analysts to think that Cavendouche will not perform as well in this year's Tour without having the typical 4 or 5 man leadout train.  Honestly, I don't know what these skeptics are talking about.  Cavs will still have a 5-man lead out train, it just so happens that they will all be wearing Liquigas kits. 

Enough of that....let's get to a little mail:

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Dear PooBah,

I'm heading over to France this week to photograph the big race and I cannot wait.  Having never travelled to Europe before though, I'm a little bit worried about avoiding the "ugly American tourist" stigma and am hoping I will be able to blend in easily.  Do you have any suggestions on how best to accomplish that?

Thanks

Thomas

Thomas

Great question.  As a budding amateur photographer myself, and one to never shy away from getting close to the action along side many a race, I'm going to give you my magic combination of apparel items that will keep you cool, comfortable and feeling right at home in any European country:  Pink straw fedora, extra small running shorts and sandals.....no shirt.

Me in action.

---

Dear PooBah,

I'm intrigued by the concept of compression socks in aiding recovery following rides.  I'm a rather large guy - I think some call us "Clydesdales" - and am wondering if there is any evidence out there that would suggest that larger cyclists would see benefits from compression cycling apparel?

Thanks so much!

Henry

Henry-

Actually yes.  There is some data obtained from an animal model that examined the use of compression wear in larger species.....actually wait, no....this was actually taken from a bestiality S and M latex-fetish trade show.....never mind.

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Dear PooBah,

Rumor on the street is that Taylor Phinney is quite the ladies man.  This makes sense to me - he's a rising star in American cycling, and garnered a lot of attention at this year's Giro as the first American to wear pink since Christian VandeVelde did several years ago!  And now that he's heading back to the Olympics as a young attractive bachelor to represent the USA in the time trial, one has to wonder what kind of shenanigans he might get into with the female gymnasts in the Olympic village???

Any speculation?

Kerry

Kerry-

Yeah - I think Taylor is liking life right now - and deservedly so.  I just hope he is able to "conceal his happiness" with some discretion while in London....

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Dear PooBah,

I was walking down 9th street today and just happened upon this bike that has been modified for bike polo locked up. 

What is concerning is what I saw secured to the head tube with electrical tape!

A flipping pistol!  What do you make of this?
Paul

Paul-
Yeah, this is concerning to say the least.  He's NEVER going to be able to retrieve that gun quickly enough if it is wrapped up in electrical tape like that.  He really ought to invest in a frame-mounted holster which should give him much more easy access in case he needs to drop somebody pilfering his cooler of PBR in the middle of a polo match. 

---

Dear PooBah,
My cassette freehub is making an awful squealing sound when I make a rapid descent.  Can you look at this photo of it and tell me what you think might be wrong with it?
Thank you so much -
Lilly

Lilly,

Honestly, your hub body looks pretty good from where I'm sitting.....but I'd still be happy to come over and oil your bearings for you if you think it might help?

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Timing is everything: Ass-kissing 101.

Timing is everything, as they say.

Which leads me to this June 7th announcement I just read:

U.S. Postal Service's Bicycling Stamps Promote Healthy Lifestyle

"Excuse me, garçon?  Could I please have an extra helping of bad timing to go with my irony and lentil soup?  Thank you."

Just remember to NOT lick the backs of the stamps within 14 days of any kind of competition that requires you to pee in a cup.

Speaking of the ramifications of having hot piss, we recently witnessed with the Alberto Contador case that if one loses the winner's Maillot Jaune due to doping infractions, the jersey is passed down to whomever is next on the podium - in that case Andy Schleck.  So this got me thinking - who actually will be awarded the wins for the Tour de France from 1999-2005 if Armstrong loses those jerseys as a result of the USADA investigation?  It's not as easy as just picking 2nd place - because most of those guys have subsequently been found to be loaded to the gills as well.  I went in search of an answer for this and the best source I could find was an article written by Bill Strickland in 2010.  For his analysis, Mr. Strickland was also curious what the podium would look like if all convicted dopers are removed for each of those years. Riders were not eliminated if there were only rumors or suspicion.  Thus, he excluded Lance Armstrong from the list in his article.  I will play devil's advocate and take it one step further to examine who would be awarded the maillot jaune if Armstrong is found to be guilty and have included any cyclist who has been convicted of doping since.  Interesting to note is just how far down the list you have to go in some years to get to someone who has not been found guilty by some governing body.  Here we go!

1999:  New winner: Fernando Escartin (formerly 3rd place)

2000:  New winner: Fernando Escartin (formerly 9th place)

2001: New winner: Andrei Kivilev (formerly 4th place)

(died as a result of a crash in the 2003 Paris-Nice race)

2002: New winner: Jose Azevedo (formerly 6th place)

2003: New winner: Haimar Zubeldia (formerly 5th place)

2004: New winner: Andrea Kloden (formerly 2nd place)

2005: New winner: Cadel Evans (formerly 8th place)

Yeah - you're probably thinking what I'm thinking.  If we allow suspicion to creep in, then several of these guys don't exactly look squeaky clean either - especially those that later went on to race for the Hog. 

And in the "Ass Kissing Will Get You Everywhere" department comes this chain of events:  One week ago Team RadioShack's director Johan Bruneel emphatically says Chris Horner is not racing in the Tour de France because he didn't race in the Tour de Suisse.  Period.  But doesn't have the decency to tell him this personally, and Chris has to learn about it when his wife reads it on the web.  Horner responds with a bit of understandable anger initially, but then yesterday issues this statement on Cyclingnews:

Chris Horner: I don't believe Armstrong cheated

And miracle beyond miracles, look what happens less than 12 hours later as reported by Bicycling.

Team boss Bruyneel is 'rethinking' RadioShack squad for Tour de France.

"I was talking with Johan yesterday about the Tour," Horner told Bicycling on Friday.  "We had some lost communication between us before the 14-man selection was made.  He said he will rethink the team for the Tour now with me in the mix.  So there is still a chance of me going.  Johan and I had a great talk so I'm hoping it all works out."

I don't know whose pandering is worse....Horner's to the Bruyneel-Armstrong machine, or Bruyneel to the American public by now considering a popular American for the last spot on the team two days after the USADA shit hits the fan.  It's pretty convenient for Johan that Andy broke his ass when he did so that he could play the Horner card to save a little face with some American skeptics in the wake of the systematic doping allegations.  Timing is everything.  And I thought for sure Chris was going to respond to Bruyneel with answer 'd'. 

Only time for a few of letters today:

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Dear PooBah,

Shakespeare's Pizza (Best College Hangout in the nation as declared by Good Morning America) wants to revitalize it's pedicab service and is looking for pilots!  Can you tell any interested parties about it?  Thanks!

Bob

Will do.  Anyone interested can drop me an email and I will forward the phone number you need to call to get hooked up!

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Dear PooBah,

I heard that a weekly cyclocross series is in the works for Columbia this coming fall, suitable for experts and beginners alike.  This sounds amazing!  I want to participate, but have never raced cross before and know how competitive the cycling atmosphere here in COMO is, so I'm a little nervous.  Any advice as to the equipment I should have?

Thanks!

Jerry G.

Jerry-

Just remember - it has nothing to do with your bike, and everything to do with your kit.  As a newb, I'd think about sporting one of these for your first season:

The Medieval Hoodie!

It's even made out of cotton so that you can sweat your balls off and lose that extra few pounds you've been toting around all summer.

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Dear PooBah,

The shocks on my fork are squeaking something horribly!  I took a picture of them which I'm attaching to this email.  I wonder if you could take a peak and tell me what the problem might be?

Thank you so much -

Heather F.

Heather,

For the life of me I cannot see the bike in the photograph you enclosed.  I think I better see it in person.

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True Grit! Grandma broke her coccyx!

And by 'Grandma', I actually mean Andy Shleck, and by 'coccyx', I actually mean his sacrum.  He busted it up in a crash during the time trial at the Criterium du Dauphine, which he later had to abandon.  Much like brother Frank's separated shoulder in the Giro d'Italia, director Johnan Bruyneel said it was nothing more than a flesh wound and should not prevent him from racing.  Oops.  Either way, news today is that he's out of the Tour de France, and The Hog (Johan Bruyneel) is left one man shy of a full roster for his catastrophically plummeting RadioSchlep team.  Interestingly enough - he's got someone waiting in the wings that he recently snubbed by intentionally NOT inviting to join the squad going to the Tour de France:

Chris Horner

Interestingly, Bruyneel reportedly never even called the veteran cyclist (who has finished as high as 9th place at the Tour in 2010) to tell him he would not be going to the Tour this year.

"Horner said he learned about his exclusion from the RadioShack Tour team from his wife, who read it on the Internet and called him while he was out training.  He added that as of Monday evening, he had not yet spoken with anyone from RadioShack team management.  The last time he spoke with team manager Johan Bruyneel, Horner said, was a month ealier in Santa Rosa, California, when Bruyneel briefly visited the team prior to the start of the Amgen Tour."

Of course, who are we to doubt the management practices of such a master tactician, like The Hog.  I  mean, after all - he wrote a book and everything!  He MUST know what he's doing - right?

So, by my calculations, Team RadioSchlep's tour roster is one man short, and the month of July looks pretty open in Chris Horner's planner.  So, one has to wonder if Hoggy is going to give Chris a ringy-dingy in Bend, Oregon and say something like...."So, Chris.....you busy next month?" 

Let's have a pop quiz and try to guess how Chris will respond.

a. Go Schleck yourself
b. Put your request in writing on the interwebs, and my wife will read it to me
c. Only if you can start lacing my autotransfusions with some fucking Rogaine
d. Did you really marry an ex-stripper?  DAYUMMMM!

To add insult to injury, in addition to his injured sacrum, it appears as though Andy also has a horrible anus.  This is the second Team RadioSchlep member to be diagnosed with a horrible anus in less than a week!

The Hog has been frustrated with his team all year, to be honest.  They just seem to be lacking grit......bravado.....guts.....chutzpah!  In a word, they are lacking what I call the LTDF.....or the Laurens Ten Dam Factor.  You remember the Rabobank cyclist from last year's tour - right?

The dude that smeared his nose off on the pavement of some God-forsaken French road, got wrapped up by a hack Mavic mechanic posing as a medic with gauze that looked like it once shrouded Boris Karloff, but still finished the race?  This is what the Hog is looking for!  His own Chris Horner did not show at either the US National Championships or the Tour de Suisse because of a supposed "back injury" - and it was this last race omission that finally pissed off The Hog enough to kick him off the Tour squad.  Meanwhile, Ten Dam IS racing in the Tour de Suisse and literally puked himself all the way up the Verbier the other night (which I took pictures of on my TV!)

Even his 'O-face' is a god-damned grimace!

(I had to crop out the rest of this photo to keep this post rated PG....but can tell you that those Rabobank soigneurs really know how to give a rub down...)

And speaking of true grit in the Tour de Suisse, comes this story from the Dutch sports page of the Nieuwsblad.be site of a Swiss land owner who refuses to take shit off of anybody....literally.

Boer lubricates Lotto team car full of excrement.

The translated story follows...you just have to read it yourself:

Nothing like drinking a couple cups of coffee chased with a RedBull moments before your race starts, and having to pinch one off - but finding your team bus toilets backed up....so being forced to doing your "big message" in a nearby forest, having the land owner catch you, then "make himself evil", by "recognizing your sweater," and then "smearing the team car loaded with your gevoeg."

Now THAT - is a horrible anus....