Friday, October 7, 2011

Friday mail: Win yourself a kick in the ass!

Hey kids!  Happy flipping Friday!  Let me ask you something.  Have you ever walked up to somebody on the street and said, "Hey mister, would you mind kicking me right square in the ass?  I probably need it - and it sure would make you feel good!"  That's kind of how I felt when I read about the new offer from Rapha for some special-issue Team Rapha-FOCUS Cyclocross Oakley Jawbone sunglasses:

Here's the skinny:  And I quote from the website....

Oakley Auction

With the new cyclocross season well underway, Rapha and Oakley are offering you the chance to own an exclusive pair of Oakley Jawbone glasses. The custom-made Jawbones have frames painted in the candystripe livery of the Rapha-FOCUS team kit and the glasses come with three sets of interchangeable lenses. The Rapha logo is etched into the primary set and a unique carry-bag also features the team colours. For five days, beginning on Monday 10th October, Rapha will auctioning two pairs of Rapha-FOCUS Oakley Jawbones via a private email bid system. All of the money raised by the auction will go directly to support the Rapha-FOCUS professional cyclocross team.

Oh please, Rapha - can I compete with other people that have more money than common sense to fight for the chance to spend way too much on a piece of flipping plastic so that your professional cyclocross racers can afford extra foam on their capuccinos while they race this winter?  PLEASE?  It's not like Jeremy Powers ever wins or anything - so he could really use the extra money.  This is so much better than donating it to a non-for profit charitable organization or anything like that.  Suck-it, Rapha.

And on that note - let's hit the mailbag:

Dear PooBah,
Did you see this story in VeloNews about the Master's Track Racer Roger Hernandez who was suspended for two years after having refused to undergo a mandatory drug test?

Here's his picture competing at a recent race...
(This is no shit, either.)

One commenters to the original article responded by saying, "A forty-five year old Masters cyclist doping is akin to someone taking growth hormones to become the world's tallest midget."  Would you agree?
Peter J.
Orlando, FL
Well, that's a pretty insensitive comment, honestly.  I think they like to be referred to as "little people" these days - not "midgets."

Dear PooBah,
Check out this photo of cyclist Carter Crowe of Ritte cycling winning a Cat 4/5 race and busting a Captain Morgan pose as he crosses the finish line!  Is this daring or douchey?  I can't decide...
Henry J.
San Diego, CA

Hmmmmm tough one.  I'd like to say "daring" since it looks like he is at least 6'6" and is on some very wet pavement there.  But then you have to realize that he certainly had to practice this little move...probably a lot considering he is a Cat 4/5.  I call "douchey."

Dear PooBah,
I've been very disturbed by the overtly sexual advertisements in Bicycling magazine lately.  I'm a mother of two and I don't need to be opening up my cycling periodicals to see things like this:

I wish things more like back in the old days were when we didn't have to worry about sexual innuendo in cycling advertising...
Willamena F.

Well it's good to hear your children were immaculately conceived.  The new Messiah will enjoy having a sibling, I'm sure.  And not so fast - check out this ad from 1973 for Raleigh Carlton bicycles...
"Sparkling foam arcs skyward as trim, thrusting bows slice through water...."

I'm not sure what is more inexplicable here - the text or the pairing of sky blue shoes and brown hip hugging bell-bottoms on the dude on the left.

Dear PooBah,
I'm so happy cross season is here....I'm so fired up that I actually got a cross-related tattoo on my right calf.  It's a portrait of me portaging my bike.  What do you think?
Ivan K.
I appreciate your dedication but the perspective is all off! From how it's drawn it looks like you're trying to run your bike up your own ass.  If that's an actual depiction of how you do run-ups, just go slow and use lots of chamois cream before you race.

Dear PooBah,
I just recently bought a trainer anticipating cold weather which is just around the corner.  I set my road bike up on it - but having never used a trainer before, was hoping you could take a peek and let me know if my form was OK?  Thanks a million!
Lisle G.

You know - I was about to suggest you lose the stilettos, but on second thought...leave them on - I think your form is spot on!

Have a great weekend, everyone.  Thanks to those that sent in letters and suggestions - I appreciate it!


  1. Looks like I'm the posting champion.

    I'm available for a piss test, pretty much anytime.

    Thanks for Friday's mail Poobah.

    By any chance do you (or anyone for that matter) know why the universe is expanding at an ever increasing speed? This really has me perplexed.