Friday, October 21, 2011

Friday Mail: The Bigfoot-Bieber Challenge

In keeping with the running dialogue we've been having with those readers who wish to remain nameless, this comment was left on Wednesday's post:

Anonymous said...
"If the Bieber ever showed up at a cross race with that bike he would beat Poobah and 3/4 of the other COMO Spandex wearers. "

Well that sounds like a challenge to me.  I'm willing to go on record saying right here and right now that I've got more cyclocross talent in my little finger than Justin Bieber has in his entire thumb.  And he has a big effing thumb!

As for my COMO compatriots...I will have you know that in last week's Bubba cyclocross races in St. Louis, COMO kids won the Elite Men's 1/2 races both days, secured 3 of the top 5 places on Saturday and now occupy 5 of the top 10 places in the overall points competition.  (Check it here).  A financial comparison reveals that the combined monetary winnings of all these achievements is comparable to what Bieber earns in approximately 0.03 seconds while on tour.  So suck on that, Anonymous!

And speaking of Bubbacross, throwdown #3 is this Sunday in Fort Belle Fontaine park.  If you are closer to KC, then the Shawnee Rescue Radcross is happening Sunday.

On to some other mail!

Dear PooBah,
It looks like there was a sighting of Sasquatch at Bubba Cross!

My initial response to this was "Crap! - I already have enough competition as it is! I don't need to duke it out with yet another Sasquatch - because if he kicks my ass - then not only will I be the worst Cat 4 racer out there, but I'll be the worst Squatchy Cat 4."  However, upon closer inspection, I've determined that #1) this photo wasn't taken at Bubbacross - which means you pilfered this pic from the Interwebs and that's going to piss off one of my Anonymous readers (well done) and #2) this isn't a Squatch at all!  If you look closely - you will see a tiny blonde-headed woman clinging to the back of this simian signifying to me that this is actually King Kong.  Therefore, I still contend that I'm the fastest Squatch on a bicycle.....that is until Bieber's big-ass hairy thumb wants to challenge me.  Thanks for the photo anyway.

Dear PooBah,
Have you seen this sweet deal that RadioShack is offering?  I wonder what the ramifications will be for Bruyneel's new "RadioShack-Trek-Leopard Presented by Nissan Thereby Snubbing Mercedes" team?
Samuel G.

Wow - whereas this would certainly be a popular incentive here in the states, no telling how the Luxembourgians are going to take to it.  I decided to get in touch with Bruyneel to see what his opinion was on this matter and this is the reply I got.

Dear PooBah,
During my last gravel ride, I happened upon an individual lying in the weeds along the side of the road.  I really didn't know how to handle this situation, so photographed it to get your advice.
Should I have,
A) Checked this gentlemen for a pulse?
B) Tried to rouse this fellow and set him on his way?
C) Called 911 immediately?
D) Gone to the nearest house to inquire if they knew the cyclist's identity?

Thank you!
Randy F.

Wow - the dude certainly is giving the stitching on his vintage wool Brooks L'Eroica jersey a workout -eh?  He's clearly OK by the way he's using his meaty right bicep as a pillow and has his vintage bidon nearby.  Therefore, I think you overlooked the best option which I would refer to as 'option E'.  First, hide his bicycle behind a nearby shrubbery.  Second, empty the entire contents of two Gu gels into his left hand.  Third, get back on your bike and ride by him slowly, exclaiming as loudly as possible, "Dude - there's a fucking scorpion on your face!"  Forth, accelerate.

Dear PooBah,
Of all the new additions team BMC has made to their roster, who do you think will prove to be the most valuable next year?
Lisa P.

Great question - but a no brainer as far as I'm concerned.  It has to be M.C. Gruntsworth.  Originally from China, he's small and agile, will ride for practically nothing, and can't talk back if he starts getting unhappy.  However, he's been known to destroy hotel rooms if left alone, enjoys licking his genitals and may need to use some breathe-right strips in some of the more mountainous stages.

Dear PooBah,
I'm a bicycle pizza delivery guy and my job depends on me delivering pies to my customers quickly or else they get the pizza for free, and it is taken out of my paycheck.  The problem is, I feel so sluggish on the bicycle. What's the quickest and easiest way to get faster.  Please help!!!
Thank you!
Wally T.

I'm sure you have seen time trialing stages of bicycle races before.  The cyclists ride specially designed bicycles and wear specific kits all meant to accenuate their aerodynamics in hopes of making them as fast as possible!  I suggest you utilize the same technology.  However, I've been working on some modifications I think you should try.  Please find enclosed a diagram showing how I think the use of a time trial helmet will help you out.
The blue line represents how the helmet deflects the gaze of other cyclists as they look at you funny....their glances just flow right over your head.  And remember - keep your chin on that pizza box to lock it in place!

Dear PooBah,
I know absolutely nothing about bicycles, nor really care, but I'm writing to you because you seem a little pervy - so I'm hoping you might help me out with this one.  I was helping to clean out my parents' attic the other day and stumbled upon a cardboard box full of girly magazines.  I cannot believe it, but I think my dad might have actually had a porn stash back in the day!  I'm not sure if I should confront him with this stuff to determine if he still wants it - or just throw it away.  Any advice?
Thanks in advance -
Michael K.
P.S. Hope I didn't offend you with the "pervy" comment....

No offense taken.  I'm quite sure your Dad will not want these magazines anymore if they were crammed into a box in the attic.  I'm actually going to the recycling center soon - and if you want to send them to me, I will take care of them for you.  I promise.  I will recycle them immediately.  Just send them to me.  Please.

Have a great weekend everyone! 


  1. Great for many laughs as always Poobah, thanks :)

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  3. Poobah, I give you two thumbs up on this Friday's mail. This leads to my question. Just how big is my thumb comparatively to Bieber's and Bruyneel's.

    If you're into thumbs (as opposed to pina coladas) I recommend that you watch this and this.

  4. Poobah-- how do you know that King Kong wasn't a Sasquatch? Maybe he was indeed the first confirmed sighting of one!