Friday, September 9, 2011

The Return of Friday Mail!

Today, I am sad, dear readers.  After my Flavia Becca dressing down yesterday for not having the good sense to re-sign Jens Voigt to the 2012 Cougar-Shack squad, I read today on VeloNews that he has, in fact, come around and lured the team's oldest rider back into the leopard den, as it were.  Honestly, I was happy Jens might be able to escape having to ride for the Hog and his pack of Cougars.  Further, I was really kind of hoping Jensie would go rogue and form his own team of Germanic hard-asses that would do nothing but bleed, attack and spout forth colorful quips.  He, of course, would be captain of the squad and would successfully lure Jan Ulrich and Erik Zabel out of retirement, get sponsorship from St. Pauli's Girl, load themselves to the gills on doping product made from EPO, bratwurst and Jägermeister and teach the whole peloton how to harden the fuck up.  But it looks like that's not going to happen....this year, anyway. In the absence of that, I am happy to bring you something else truly Jens-errific:  The Jens Voigt Soundboard.
Just follow aforementioned link to the Jens Voigt Army website, and then click on the Jens quotes to sample them.  I can't decide which my favorite's either "A swift kick in the balls..." or "You don't have to be afraid to touch it."  Then upload the app to your iPhone or Android to take Jens with youIt only costs a buck!

And although Jens signing with a team that will be directed by the Hog has me down, I was happy to have received this in the COMO CYCO mailbox yesterday which cheered me right back up.
However, I'm not sure what they mean by "Collection" party and am wondering if they might actually be passing a collection plate around to gather money to help pay Michael Ball's team of attorneys or to just chip in for the hookers and blow.  Either way - I'm so there.
And speaking of mail - I think it's time to resurrect ye olde mailbag, which seems to be bursting at the seams since we last opened it up!

Dear Poobah,
Wise oh Poobah, I am in sort of a pickle, well ok maybe more 'cornfused'.  You see I have these cycling friends with whom I ride and, on occasion, socialize. Well today I was walking down the street to go grab myself a bite to eat and low and behold, across the street are several of these so-called friends.  Unbeknownst to me, they were meeting for lunch at a local Korean BBQ place.  One of my supposed friends yelled at me to come join them but I had other things that I needed to do.  But here is my 'cornfusion':

Why wasn't I invited to lunch? 
Was this a secret off-the-bike cycling meeting purposefully in my absence? 
Maybe I didn't shave my legs close enough for our last group ride? 
Maybe I can't hold my line in the paceline? 
Maybe I am a douche to them? 

I mean the cycling world is full of douches and this fine city of Columbia has more then its fair share.  I mean hell just this past Tuesday we all worked together to beat a local tri-douche on our weekly Tuesday night world championships.  I worked for one of these aforementioned friends and then I get stiffed for lunch? (not the good kind of stiffing mind you).  I am just looking for some guidance from you oh wise and knowledgeable of all things cycling Poobah.  What should I do?  Should I just chalk it up as a fluke?  Should I cry myself to sleep?  Heck maybe I should just give up cycling?  Grow out my leg hair?  Or just get a hold of Horner or the uni-baller to hook me up with some Poe so I can rip those fuckers' legs off on the next group ride?
Thank you for any and all advice.
"Not wanting to be a douche"

Dear "Not Wanting to be a Douche,"
Firstly, thank you for your letter.  Before I respond, let me ask you to watch a video:

What can we learn from this?  Here is a hardworking man trying to earn a living by cleaning swimming pools.  He is being videotaped by his supposed "friends" who seem to take great pleasure when the man encounters adversity.  Clearly, at one time, he must have trusted these friends...enough to let them video him.  But look where it got him.  He ends up alone, ridiculed and lying in puddle of rotting pool slop.  My point?  At least you're not that guy!  So cheer up!  That BBQ wasn't that tasty anyway....(I take it back - the pork lunch is freaking fantastic).

Dear Poobah,
I'm starting a new cycling business in town and wanted to get some advice from you on how to properly advertise.  With so many other great shops in Columbia, I fear it's going to be tough to break into the market - so I'm trying a unique angle - but want to make sure my advertisement campaign is successful from the start so I can hit the ground running.  What do you think?
Thanks so much!
Gina J.

Well, on the upside, I'm happy to see you are offering the lesbian haircuts for anyone - because otherwise you could be accused of being discriminatory.  But $15 may be a little steep to start out with....I'd do them for $10 and a free bike cleaning.

Dear Poobah,
The last time I showed up for a cyclocross training ride, I got made fun of for wearing a skin suit.  What did I do wrong?  I've seen guys wear them at CX races, as well as crits and time trials, of course.  Is it just because I shouldn't wear it to train in or are they unacceptable for cross?  Please advise!
Kyle F.

Listen, man - haters gonna hate.  You just need to worry about being you and not listening to everyone around you.  And if that means rocking a bad-ass-flying-pegasus-skeleton skin suit to cross practice - you do that.  But be warned - you might not be invited to Korean BBQ if you keep wearing that shit.

Dear Poobah,
I'm introducing my daughter to the world of bike racing and want to make sure I'm doing it right.  I took a picture of her at her most recent juniors race and am enclosing it.  Any tips you could offer would be most appreciated.  She's the one in the foreground (#461).
Thanks so much!
Robert H.

Where in the hell are her clipless pedals?  You actually made her go out there in running shoes?  I should call child services on your ass.  Get her some freaking Sidi Ergo 2 carbon soles or don't bother having her even show up next time.  Pathetic.

Dear Poobah,
Having grown up in the 80's, my sister and I were so sad to read about the recent retirement of NASA's space shuttle program.  We grew up watching every shuttle launch and the various space missions inspired us both to pursue degrees in science.  To celebrate the most recent and final shuttle mission, we rode our bikes all the way to The Kennedy Space Center's launch site and had our photo taken there, together. 
Now that the Space Shuttle is no more, what do you think our nation's next major scientific achievement will be?
Thank you,
Elizabeth and Erin M.

Bringing back rocket-pops!  I've not had one of those in forever!

Have a great weekend, everyone -



  1. What exactly is a lesbian haircut...... a beard trim?

    Glad to see the return of Friday mail.


  2. Ahhhhh Poobah... so glad to have you back :) You never cease to amuse!

    Did you watch the end of that pool guy video? It's even funnier in slo-mo

  3. A friend of mine gave me this link, which nicely illustrates what a lesbian haircut is.

    $15 sounds like a bargain. I pay $20 at the "Captain's Quarter" (Right next to "Gotcha")