Thursday, September 8, 2011

Adult Males, Vibrations and Douchebags, Oh My!!!

While perusing the COMO/Jeff City Craigslist last night for some bike parts for a friend, I stumbled upon this post under the "Wanted" section:
"Looking for an adult male bicycle."

Although it may surprise some, I've suspected for years that many cyclists ascribe a particular gender to their bikes, much like they do to their cars, or boats.  My own road bike actually started out as a woman, but then went through a sex change sometime last year.  No longer sleek and sexy, he has become creaky and groans a lot like an old man that gets up 3 times every night to take a leak.    What can I say - we walk the same path.  But feeling helpful, I've actually gone in search of an adult male bicycle for the craigslist poster above and hopefully have come up with something he may find of use.
I would contend that a bicycle cannot get any more adult and male than being a sperm bike.

Yes, travel with me dear reader to Copenhagen, where the sperm bike (translated in Danish to "Sperm Bullit") is the preferred way of transporting "deposits" made at Capenhagen's Nordisk Cryobank.  Fully loaded, the bike weighs 50kg (about 23 lbs).  That's a lot of deposits.
When not in use for transporting sperm, the liquid nitrogen tank can also cool your beer in less than 2 seconds. 

In other news, you may wonder what everyone's favorite boy racer Mark "the Manx Missile" Cavendouche is doing in this recently uncovered photograph which captures him in semi-crouched position, with an intent look on his face:

And if you said that he was practicing his sprint-shit posture before the world championships, you would only be partially correct.  In actuality, he is testing out a vibration plate called the Galileo Vibraflex, that provides whole body vibration which, according to the plate's manufacturer, can be "used in strength training, stretching and recovery."  No telling how long the Doucher actually had to stand on the plate to get his money - but I'm guessing just long enough for the company rep to snap the photo.  NYC Velocity reporter Andy Shen gives the lowdown on the machine and provides a video of that same squat-shit positioning of a cyclist on the trainer:

Curious, I checked out the manufacturer's website, "Amplitude Vibration Studio" and found some other photos of how this little number can be used....
There's the Single Leg Lunge:

The Back Stretch

And my personal favorite, The Bridge.

Wisely, the folks in charge of marketing did not post photos of Cavendouche performing the Bridge on their website.
And in final news today, we get to start playing the new guessing game, "Where will Jensie go?"  With the newly formed Cougar-Shack squad only having room for 30 cyclists, financial backer Flavio Becca has gone on record:
"Becca made it clear that the new team would consist largely of current Leopard riders.  He indicated that of the 25 riders now on the team, the five whose contracts expire at the end of the year would leave......Those five riders are Jens Voigt, Martin Pedersen, Bruno Pires, Thomas Rohregger and Stuart O'Grady.  The latter has already announced that he will ride for the new GreenEdge team next year."

Wow, Bruyneel and Becca have got to be even more stupid than what I originally gave them credit for.  They are going to let go of one of the most loyal teammates to the FrAndy twins and arguably the most popular and hard-working cyclist in the pro peloton?
"Pssst, while I lift left cheek and float air-biscuit onto Mercedes Benz representative sitting behind me.  Heheh - he will not be amused, eh?"

I have a feeling this ass-clown hasn't even realized his full potential yet.  And with the combined power of the Hog, this duo could be merging itself into the perfect storm of douchebaggery for next year.

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