Local news: Control your p****, because it's about to get bumpy!

As a self-proclaimed bloggeur de bicycles here in COMO-land, I do my best to keep my finger on the pulse of the "bike scene" which is to say, I actually do absolutely no research, nor scout out any bike-related stories whatsoever, and typically just comment on whatever I happen upon, much like a blind squirrel finding the odd, random nut.  (Note to self - two great ideas for future band names in that last sentence: "Blind Squirrel" and "Random Nut".)  Therefore, it should surprise no one that I've dropped the ball BIG TIME on some recent and future cycling stories and events that I need to mention now.

First of all, this past weekend was the Berryman Trail Epic mountain bike endurance race in the proximity of Steelville, MO.  Its significance to COMO kids is that one of our very own (Jon Schottler) held the course record set in 2010.  That is, until this year, when Steve Tilford topped it, and then wrote about it as though it were as difficult as riding to the store to pick up a 4-pack of Bartles and James wine coolers.  Of course, when you are a cycling bottom feeder like me, and your mantra has become "not last, not lapped," every such feat seems Herculean.....That said, with all due respect (as well as fully disclosing my bias toward COMO's own), I would still suggest that a tad bit more credit was due to Mr. Schottler.

Secondly, the BubbaCross series continues and apparently was rough as a cob this past weekend at Fort Belle Fontain which had the St. Louis Cycling Forum buzzing with commentary in a dedicated thread entitled "Bumpy Bubba":

Posted Yesterday, 03:52 PM

All people who set up a cx race course should have to pre-ride the course or they don't get to set up the courses anymore. If they set up a mean course that breaks bikes rather than showcasing the true spirit of cx, they should be forced to ride the course sans chamois. IMHO

Posted Yesterday, 06:11 PM

This is easy. If you don't like the courses either come out and help design and set up a course or just don't race them! Take your crying ass out to KC or Chicago if Bubba courses are beneath you.

I didn't race this past weekend, so cannot comment on the conditions - but think I have to give it to the second individual here.  Despite being a complete CX newb - I'm pretty sure that the "true spirit" of cyclocross is racing until you either want to cry, puke or poop yourself.....or maybe all three at the same time.  If the course is smooth - then that will be achieved via exerted effort and if the course is rough, that will be accomplished via exerted effort and taint battering.  This little thing called free will allows you to go home without racing if you elect to not pursue the "true spirit".

Anyway - at the end of the day, COMO still prevailed as Dan Miller took another victory despite doing a "Half Joey".  (For those of you that don't know, this is going "Full Joey.")


Thus, a "Half Joey" would be if just the cyclist or the bicycle became airborne - but not both simultaneously.

Ok - now for some upcoming ride announcements.  This weekend, in addition to Bubba's #4 and #5 cyclocross races in St. Louis, you can get your spook on and do the Monster Bike Bash's ride to Rocheport on Saturday.  Or if you want less beer and frivolity and more taint-pain, you can do the Gravel Grumble 100 which starts at Tryathletics at 7:00 AM the same day.

And I don't know how I missed this one - but according to this story in the Columbia Missourian, there is an all-female bicycle group that rides every Tuesday night leaving from RagTag between 7:00 and 7:30 PM:



Perhaps, like me, you saw this disclaimer on the Missourian's page, below the video story:

"The bike club’s name contains a word we normally don’t print because it can be offensive. For more information you can go to the group’s Facebook page."

I have to admit that I was perplexed by this and started wondering what the acronym 'PCBC' actually stood for making it so offensive that the Missourian didn't want to publish it?  So, I did as instructed and followed the link to the group's Facebook page and was so enlightened.

There are several things I appreciate about what this group is accomplishing.  Firstly, a group like this can develop comraderie amongst female cyclists.

Take what rider Brigid Foley says, "PCBC is definitely about the ladies...you know....no one is there to meet dudes.  That's not the point...."

(Come on Brigid, we all know you got that handsome devil's phone number after the photo shoot!)

The lack of men apparently reduces the intimidation factor for new cyclists.  Again, says Ms. Foley, "They (men) set such a fast pace and kind of intimidate people that are new to riding."  There is no question that this is true.  Put two male newbs on bicycles, and they will have graduated to become racing Freds within 15 minutes, or crashed into one another trying.  That said, a group calling itself "Pussy Control Bike Club" with the motto "Our Ride, Our Rules" kind of scares the shit out of me, personally, and I've not even put on my skirt to try to ride with them (yet).

(Men are only allowed to tag along on the ride if they either wear a skirt or are bearded and come in the form of a tattoo - in which case they get to ride on the ladies' thighs!!!  I just tossed my razor in the garbage can.)

But seriously - why should I be intimidated to ride with PCBC?  I think I've always practiced good "pussy control".

I promise that Mr. Pants will either be on his leash or remain in his basket the entire ride.....

Accepting risk: Mounting cougars and getting "fased"

Most cyclists accept the fact that riding a bicycle is subject to certain risks.  Examples would include getting hit by a car, slipping on an icy patch out on a frozen trail, or filming a BikeSkills instructional video:

Today I've learned that an additional threat to Missouri cyclists might be the odd encounter with a cougar.  No, not this kind of cougar...

This kind of cougar:

Yesterday, the Columbia Tribune reported that the body of a cougar that was killed Sunday in Ray County was brought to the Missouri Department of Conservation officials here in COMO.  The young male had climbed a tree where it was shot in the head by the landowner.  According to the story, the animals are protected in the state, but can be killed if they present a danger to livestock or people, and the farmer that shot him claimed the cougar had killed one of his cattle.  A full necropsy on the animal is planned, including examinination of its stomach contents so that the Conservation officers can learn more about the animals living in Missouri.  On a side note, I'm a little curious as to what happens if the cougar's stomach is found to not be full of cow, but rather something a little smaller and easier for a young male cougar to hunt.  At any rate, I for one, will feel much, much safer riding out in the country now that this threat has been eradicated......The Missourian is reporting that according to one resource scientist with the Department,

"The cat will be mounted and put in a nature center somewhere in the state.....It's a great opportunity to educate."

There's nothing like the educational opportunities to be had from mounting a cougar. 

Speaking of things that will sit around and collect dust needlessly, a COMO man needs our help as was announced in craigslist yesterday:

mens bike wanted (como)

"all right guys, i need some help, my lovely girlfriend come up with this great idea we need bikes ! shes bought hers but i refuse to in hopes this is just a fase shes going through, I need a mens bike in great shape ! i know someone has on takin up space thats not being used ! help me out to make her happy ! text me at 573-XXX-XXXX, again, I AM NOT going to buy, I am simply looking for one that is no longer being used, in the way or simply unwanted, i know someone can help, Thanks"

Yes, let's hope this gentleman's lady is just going through a 'fase'.  I'd hate to see what happens if the two get truly obsessed with the sport.  Before long, he will be guilting us into giving him new upgrades and components that we might have laying aournd our home shops left and right.

And while we're on the topic of being 'fased' by things....this photo caught my eye today over at cyclingnews regarding team Quick Step's recent training camp and promotional photos taken for their new sponsor, Innergetic, a mattress company.  Sure, there is the semi-erotic slant to the photo of the Quick Step boys all sleeping on one another back-to-front while wearing their rubber pants (not that there is anything wrong with that), but what is more disconcerting to me is the appearance of the top half of a human head floating around Niki Terpstra's left thigh.

My best guess is that Quick Step hired themselves a new midget soigneur to help out with post-ride rubdowns.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I suppose he could work pretty efficiently if you didn't mind getting your massage while standing, but you'd have to lie on the floor for him to work on you lying down.  I need to stop thinking about this...it's "fasing" me out.

Spandex Rage

Previously, we touched upon a topic here at the Columbia Missouri Cycling Cooperative that cyclists deal with consistently and today I would like to explore it further.  I'm speaking of Spandex Rage. 

Obviously, not all cycling subcultures have decided to squeeze their thighs into the shiny world of form-fitting apparel.  To the contrary, in an attempt to separate themselves from the conventional cyclists, the hipster biking counterculture inentionally does not wear spandex or anything close to it.  But as a roadie, try showing up to Thursday night sprints wearing your Abercrombie and Fitch khaki cargo shorts and Vans and just see what happens to you.  Or better yet, try something like tweed:

No matter how accepted the use of spandex has become within road, mountain and cyclocross cycling communities, there are clearly spandex infractions committed by those recreational cyclists that have no reason for wearing skin tight outfits and are attempting to simply dress the part.  Thus, within the cycling community itself, we discriminate against one another if our clothing choices don't match the type of bike we are riding.  That said, the deepest sense of disgust seems to be directed at the Lycra-clad cyclist from motorists and pedestrians, which as lead to my theory of Spandex Rage.  I submit that the sight of an individual perched on a bicycle saddle while wearing brightly colored, skin-tight clothes initiates a loathing in some motorists not unlike what a bull must feel when staring at the red cape and golden epaulets of the matador.

Speaking of red, it may not be the color of choice for male bibs shorts.

This theory was recently validated by an article written by student reporter Jordan Wyner and published in the Columbia Missourian in June entitled "Another one rides a bike."

Ms. Wyner (pronounced as "whiner" I'm guessing?) who is an undergraduate and public safety reporter for the Missourian starts her article:

"I no longer hate bicyclists.

Before last Sunday, I was one of many who thought of bicyclists as an annoyance. I didn't understand why I had to share the road with them. Frankly, I didn't want to." 

So I'm left pondering what the qualifications of a "Public Safety" reporter are for the Missourian?  Deep hatred of the roughly 10% of the Columbia population that rides bicycles and thus relies on public safety?  I wonder if the Missourian also has a "Pets and Animals" reporter that goes around kicking puppies.  I don't know about anyone else, but I can sleep better at night now knowing that little Jordan no longer hates me.  Thank you, oh generous Jordan, for you magnanimity.

Jordan Wyner, Columbia Missourian

And despite the transformation Jordan undergoes through the course of her article from cyclist hater to hipster wanna-be, she still throws a jab at us:

"My aversion to bicyclists has been in the making for years, the result of a number of close calls and cyclists who aren’t going fast but feel the need to wear brightly colored aerodynamic clothing. The latter irritation isn't likely to go away, but that’s another story for another day."  

All I can say is how grateful I am for the promise that Jordan will continue her rant and exploration of her own brightly colored Spandex Rage for another day.  Ms. Whyner, I wait with baited breath.  Until then, suck on this:

Apparently, other communities have also experienced the phenomen of Spandex Rage and have resorted to taking action.  According to this report, one county in Texas has passed an ordinance outlawing revealing sportswear under the pressure from an organization called People Against Naught and Titillating Sportswear, also known as (did you guess it already) the PANTS organization.  Patty Winters, president of PANTS was quoted as saying:

“There are certain things we just don’t need to see in public. Most joggers and cyclists dress appropriately. But every once in a while you’ll get these showoffs who wear the scantiest spandex you’ve ever seen, getting all up in their nooks and crannies and whatnot. Nobody needs to see that, least of all our children.”

 Nooks and crannies indeed.  I'm not sure of Ms. Winters' physique, but am guessing she has more nooks and crannies in one non-cycling, cellulite-rich thigh than all of the scantily clad cyclists in Texas.  Spare your children from that.  What Ms. Winters doesn't want you to know about is her 2007 Halloween costume:

Lastly, from online Montana magazine Outside Bozeman, comes one more example of Spandex Rage which appears in an article titled Living with Lycra.  Author Drew Pogge writes the following with tongue possibly in cheek - but also being grazed by teeth gnashing with a hint of true feelings to be sure:

"Roadies are disgusting. No, I'm not talking about the too-cool stoner hippies who follow crappy jam-bands around and eat a balanced diet of Hong Kong acid and organic granola. I'm talking about a far more foul, offensive, and degenerative social misfit: Cyclists.

It's scientific fact that 99.8% of people should never, ever, under any circumstance wear lycra. Especially attention-grabbing, brightly-colored lycra. So why does nearly 100% of the amateur roadie population insist on donning belly-fat-squeezing, frank-and-bean-enhancing, ass-crack-sweating "cycling apparel"? Seriously. Spandex is gross, and I petition that people wear it only in the privacy of their own homes, or at German raves, where it's appropriate."

Consider yourself gored by the Spandex Raging Bull, cycling world.

The rage is real.  Know the warning signs and get educated to avoid its sharp horns!  Be on the lookout for overweight drivers of SUVs munching on doughnuts and plucky undergrads feigning journalistic skill by trying to be snarky.  And for all those suffering with Spandex Rage.  Get help any way you can - or we will be forced to unleash the Cipollini Muscle suit on you:

 Pedal on!