True Grit! Grandma broke her coccyx!

And by 'Grandma', I actually mean Andy Shleck, and by 'coccyx', I actually mean his sacrum.  He busted it up in a crash during the time trial at the Criterium du Dauphine, which he later had to abandon.  Much like brother Frank's separated shoulder in the Giro d'Italia, director Johnan Bruyneel said it was nothing more than a flesh wound and should not prevent him from racing.  Oops.  Either way, news today is that he's out of the Tour de France, and The Hog (Johan Bruyneel) is left one man shy of a full roster for his catastrophically plummeting RadioSchlep team.  Interestingly enough - he's got someone waiting in the wings that he recently snubbed by intentionally NOT inviting to join the squad going to the Tour de France:

Chris Horner

Interestingly, Bruyneel reportedly never even called the veteran cyclist (who has finished as high as 9th place at the Tour in 2010) to tell him he would not be going to the Tour this year.

"Horner said he learned about his exclusion from the RadioShack Tour team from his wife, who read it on the Internet and called him while he was out training.  He added that as of Monday evening, he had not yet spoken with anyone from RadioShack team management.  The last time he spoke with team manager Johan Bruyneel, Horner said, was a month ealier in Santa Rosa, California, when Bruyneel briefly visited the team prior to the start of the Amgen Tour."

Of course, who are we to doubt the management practices of such a master tactician, like The Hog.  I  mean, after all - he wrote a book and everything!  He MUST know what he's doing - right?

So, by my calculations, Team RadioSchlep's tour roster is one man short, and the month of July looks pretty open in Chris Horner's planner.  So, one has to wonder if Hoggy is going to give Chris a ringy-dingy in Bend, Oregon and say something like...."So, Chris.....you busy next month?" 

Let's have a pop quiz and try to guess how Chris will respond.

a. Go Schleck yourself
b. Put your request in writing on the interwebs, and my wife will read it to me
c. Only if you can start lacing my autotransfusions with some fucking Rogaine
d. Did you really marry an ex-stripper?  DAYUMMMM!

To add insult to injury, in addition to his injured sacrum, it appears as though Andy also has a horrible anus.  This is the second Team RadioSchlep member to be diagnosed with a horrible anus in less than a week!

The Hog has been frustrated with his team all year, to be honest.  They just seem to be lacking grit......bravado.....guts.....chutzpah!  In a word, they are lacking what I call the LTDF.....or the Laurens Ten Dam Factor.  You remember the Rabobank cyclist from last year's tour - right?

The dude that smeared his nose off on the pavement of some God-forsaken French road, got wrapped up by a hack Mavic mechanic posing as a medic with gauze that looked like it once shrouded Boris Karloff, but still finished the race?  This is what the Hog is looking for!  His own Chris Horner did not show at either the US National Championships or the Tour de Suisse because of a supposed "back injury" - and it was this last race omission that finally pissed off The Hog enough to kick him off the Tour squad.  Meanwhile, Ten Dam IS racing in the Tour de Suisse and literally puked himself all the way up the Verbier the other night (which I took pictures of on my TV!)

Even his 'O-face' is a god-damned grimace!

(I had to crop out the rest of this photo to keep this post rated PG....but can tell you that those Rabobank soigneurs really know how to give a rub down...)

And speaking of true grit in the Tour de Suisse, comes this story from the Dutch sports page of the Nieuwsblad.be site of a Swiss land owner who refuses to take shit off of anybody....literally.

Boer lubricates Lotto team car full of excrement.

The translated story follows...you just have to read it yourself:

Nothing like drinking a couple cups of coffee chased with a RedBull moments before your race starts, and having to pinch one off - but finding your team bus toilets backed up....so being forced to doing your "big message" in a nearby forest, having the land owner catch you, then "make himself evil", by "recognizing your sweater," and then "smearing the team car loaded with your gevoeg."

Now THAT - is a horrible anus....

Trying to get to second base

I knew that trying to resurrect the blog once again would come with a certain amount of shit-slinging good natured ribbing.....and one might even say "McRibbing" as Tribune columnist SpokesMan compared the blog to a McDonald's McRib sandwich on facebook:

Johnson:  "This is the McRib of blogs.  It's not really that great but because it only comes around 1/12th of the year, I find myself craving it."

Speaking of McDonald's, I think they sponsor that new bike team here in COMO called Big Tree Cycling - don't they?  Man - they must have some money to throw around....How about a little monetary love from Ronald for some strategic product placement on this one?  I'll even throw in a diagram of a McRib if that will help.

(Take special note of the "lone pickle" in that aforementioned diagram.  For the past couple years, I have been the lone pickle in the COMO CYCO McRib when it comes to content.  Well I'm happy to announce that this is no longer the case.  I've just hired a second Pickle to help provide story lines, in an attempt to improve on the quality of this rag a bit.  In the spirit of anonymity, I wish to protect his name, so thought I would name him Second Pickle in Italian, which would be Sottaceto Secondo, but the abbreviation for that is 'SS' which makes him sound like some kind of Nazi....so that won't do at all.  So I'll just call him 'Pickle-2'.  We'll get back to him in a moment.)

Another comment I received yesterday on facebook was as follows:

CS: "How long as it been?  Seven months since the last update? Dude's more fickle than a teenage girl."

PB: If "fickle" is Latin for lazy - then I'm guilty as charged.

CS: "I think the translation is more akin to "shit or get off the pot."

Fair enough...fair enough.  I suppose it's time to poop then.

And speaking of pooping, poor Belgian pro cyclist Sep Vanmarcke had a bad day on the bike yesterday in the Criterium du Dauphine (CDD).  Apparently he was suffering from "gastric woes" which slowed his time trial today...

...and forced him to stop and duck into not one, but TWO restaurants yesterday during the stage to "let rip."  Hang on - do they have McDonald's in France?  Mais oui!

(Let's hope Sep experienced "L'exception Culturelle" yesterday during his visits.)

As previously mentioned, today is the individual time trial in the CDD, which means absolutely nothing since every source available has dismissed the CDD as nothing more than the training grounds for the Tour de France.  Team RadioShack Nissan-blah blah blah directeur Johan Bruyneel is quoted today as saying "He [Andy] is in the Dauphine to try to improve his condition for the tour."  I'm sure that makes the organizers very happy.  Racing in the CDD is kind of like asking a different girl out the week before the prom so you can try your moves out to see what's going to get you slapped before the big night arrives.  Therefore, if any cyclist has a substandard performance, their directeur sportifs minimize the significance saying "Ah....he's just opening his legs up a bit....he will be on form for the Tour...ie....yeah - he went for the bra hooks a little soon this time, but he will get to second base when it really counts." 

Thus I bring you the case of Schleck the younger, who's #Schleckchute seems to have been in constant deployment during the race.  As everyone knows, time trials are not quite his forte, so I was happy to find a photo of Johan giving him some tips prior to his start today:

Fuck the wind tunnel testing I say.  The Hog can sense the perfect angle of your helmet and guide it accordingly with his bare hand.  All hail the wind defying power of his touch.

Well maybe not so much.  Word just in is that Andy's ass kissed pavement hard today when he fell in a "wind-gust" 12km into the 52km course.  No boobies for Andy.

The Hog's comments afterwards always supportive; "You don't expect to crash from a gust of wind."

And speaking of boobies, before I leave you today, I have to go back to our new contributor, Pickle-2, very briefly.  Yesterday I gave him an assignment to come up with a good story for today's post.  And sure enough, in my inbox this morning, I found an email with the subject of: "Naked Women's bike team" with a link that lead me to this photo:

Naked Women's Racing p/b Tribella sounded like just the kind of story we'd like to tell here, as they are clearly outstanding ambassadors for women's cycling and ride in support of a literacy project called Ride for Reading.  Then I read the rest of Pickle-2's email:

Poobah -

"I did not find a single naked girl on this page.  Total bullshit."

Pickle-2

Until then, I hadn't even considered the possibility that a link with the name Naked Women's Bike Team might actually lead to a website with naked women on it - I just naturally assumed it was a women's cycling team sponsored by Naked Juice that was concerned about the reading abilities of our youth!  But now I feel foolish - because their little double entendre is the equivalent of a "That's what SHE said joke" and I didn't get it!  Well I say the joke is on you, ladies!  Don't think for one minute your team name is going to draw more hits on the interwebs by its very nature.  We guys aren't just a bunch of walking penises, falling for any link that says Naked Women on it.

No worries, mate....we're moving to Luxembourg!

It's a tough week to be an Australian pro racer, I guess.  And the worst possible thing you can do as an Aussie is apparently win at the Eneco tour.  Robbie McEwen (Katousha) shows some late-season form in winning Stage 1...

and then Aussie track star and now road pro Jack Bobridge (Garmin) wins stage 5...

and both are snubbed from the Australian world's team for Mathew Hayman and Wesley Sulzberger?  Who is doing the math on this one?  I'm certainly not discounting the abilities of either Hayman or Sulzberger, but they haven't been truly competitive since the spring, while both McEwan and "Jacky Bobby" are racing well NOW.  If performing well at the Eneco tour spells trouble for the selection to your respective country's world team, then Andre Greipel should be worried, as yesterday he took his second stage there.  And consistent with nobody from HTC Columbia knowing how to execute an appropriate victory salute as they cross the line, Greipel busted this one out in Heers, Belgium as he won.

(This photo reminds me of how my grandmother used to try to pry her dog's ancient lips open to spray this stuff into her mouth called "happy breath" in an attempt to squelch the distinctive odor that can only come from a 15-year-old Miniature Schnauzer's mouth.  There's just something impressive about the ability of those Germans to purse their lips: both Andre and Heidi....)

But for all this worrying, someone who is certainly not worried, according to cyclingnews, is Bjarne Riis.

Despite losing the Shlecks, his directeur sportif Kim Andersen, Jakob Fuglsang, and likely both Stuart O'Grady and Jens Voigt to the new Shleck-tastic Luxembourgian team as well as watching Matti Breschel leave for Rabobank, Riis is content with the three Spanish amigos of Ben, Dan and Jesus (Noval, Navarro and Hernandez.)  And the article published by cyclingnews regarding Riis' lack of concern is accompanied by three photos of Bjarne looking definitely NOT worried:

While Bjarne is busy not worrying in Denmark, the country of Luxembourg is also not worried, and in fact rejoicing in celebration, and not just because Frankie got married on Saturday...

but because Andy has become a national hero and is beloved by all Luxembourgian children....take this photo he posted on Twitter of himself with some kids who painted a mural for him:

"Message: Nice welcome gift! Big Hugs to the kids in my street for this!!!"

If you are having difficulties making out what is on the front of Andy's t-shirt as he sits amidst the gaggle of children, you can see it better here....because it's the exact same shirt that teammate Jakob Fuglsang is wearing at the post-Tour gala......I'm sure the boys especially liked to hug him while he was wearing this...to get a better view....

There's nothing that weird about two friends sharing a shirt, is there?  I mean, Contador and Shleck are also friends....so maybe Bert will share his Maillot Jaune with Andy for a bit.  I think Andy must feel virtually naked without it....as was depicted in another gift Andy received from "his biggest fan, Sigrid (8 years old), also posted on Twitter.

"Message: Just got a painting from my biggest Fan 8 year old Thanks Sigrid :)"

I'm guessing that's Contador on the right, pantsless, but in the Maillot Jaune with the big smile, and Andy on the left with the Luxembourgian flag over his head, frown on his face and wearing nothing but a black hole in his chest where his heart should be?  All that's missing is the dropped chain...

Ok - so maybe somebody is a little worried in Luxembourg....

Tour de France 2010: Blood, Sweat and Tears

I'm back at last, and thankfully so since it is July, and the Tour de France is well underway.  I broke down and coughed up the $12.50 extra a month to order the Versus Channel so I can keep up with the action in the evening.  At first, $12.50 seemed like a lot to pay since my  Mediacom package is already outrageously priced, but last night I learned the true value of what I had purchased.  Not only does the new channel package come with Versus, but also the "Chill" channel which meant that after watching the harrowing Stage 3 cobbles, we got to flip over and watch the last hour of the movie Ghoulies.

And if you are like me, and you have some TdF catching up to do, I though I would post a bit of a recap thus far...

Prologue:  Spartacus prevails despite Armstrong using a helmet that cost $15,000 to produce.

While Armstrong's 4th place finish was certainly impressive, I cannot say that it warranted the hefty pricetag.  That said, something tells me Cadel Evans should have probably spent a little more on his own TT helmet which kind of made him look like the Flinstone's martian, the Great Gazoo.

And while Armstrong had a replica model made of his head and torso so that his TT helmet could be wind-tunnel-tested without him actually having to be present....

Other cyclists, like poor Andy Shleck, had to test their TT helmets out while sitting on the can.

Maybe this is why he finished in 122nd place.

And keeping with the theme of Armstrong not being present, he also began employing press conferences that were pre-recorded onto a laptop, which the media is now trying to interview after each day's stage.  Alarmingly, the pre-recorded messages don't respond to questions.

Stage 1:  Ale-JET Petacchi takes the sprint finish after Cavendish turns left instead of right and removes several sprinters.

And Lloyd Mondory crashes into Tyler Farrar, lodging his bike onto Tyler's rear derailleur.  As a result, Mondory suffers the double indignity of losing some skin on the left cheek of his ass...

....in addition to being called a "kikker" by Farrar in Flemish, which translates to the word "frog" meant to describe Mondory's erratic riding behavior, but unknowingly also doubles as an ethnic slur to the Frenchman.  Farrar apologizes, but still thinks Mondory rides like shit.  The theme for the day?  Here.

Stage 2:  Sylvain Chavenel rides into yellow in a breakaway performance on the same course where he fractured his skull during Liege-BastogneLiege not 3 months ago, as the peloton takes it's turn doing an impression of Bambi on ice....including Farrar who fractures his wrist and sees his chances at a green Jersey slip away...

Spartacus decides to neutralize the stage because of the carnage  which also includes his teammate Andy Shleck who ate some pavement, but later posed nude for his brother who posted the photo session on Twitter.

This thoroughly pisses of Thor Hushovd:

"I've been riding all day for the stage win and the green jersey and I end up with nothing," Hushovd continued. "This is not fair. Will the same thing happen tomorrow? Will the times for GC be taken before the pavés sections? If Alberto Contador or another big rider crashes tomorrow on the cobblestones, he's entitled to ask for the race to be neutralised too! So when will we race, really?"

Stage 3:  Thor gets his wish.  Real racing on real cobbles and real winning for the Norwegian national champion.  And despite Spartacus pulling Andy Shleck to the line in the lead group and recovering the golden fleece back from Chavanel, Saxo Bank is still cranky as Franky fractures a collar bone and Jens Voigt thinks the whole thing is stupid.

“I think the ASO owes the entire Tour peloton a public apology,” an emotional Voigt screamed from his bike. “I lost one of the best friends I have in cycling, Fränk Schleck. And it was written all over the road before the stage even started.

“It was a stupid race, and a stupid mistake from the race organization. All I want is a public apology. They should say ‘Dear riders, it was a mistake, putting on a stage like that.’ It was stupid, it’s as simple as that.”

Meanwhile Armstrong loses time after he flats, has to go it alone and ends up eating a lot of dirt....

....while Vino does an impressive job keeping his team together and tucked in nicely, thus putting Contador in a good position after the epic day.

I love July!

Special Weekend Edition

First off, I want to apologize for the lack of regular posts the past couple of days.  I received several emails asking if I'd run away to join the circus, and although I've had the notion many, many times, unfortunately, the "wolf-boy" gig has already been taken....so I'm afraid I would be perceived as just a cheap knock-off. 

And I would hate to be thought of as someone who tries to mimic anyone.  Incidentally, the reason I've been away from COMO CYCO headquarters has to do with the fact that I'm occasionaly mistaken for the wolf-boy.....This past Thursday morning, I awoke, like most other days, brimming with excitement to be starting another fulfilling day at my job.  But, upon entering my bathroom to brush my face, I looked into the mirror and  immediately noticed that something was awry.....badly.  When I finally realized what was going on, chills went down my spine. Somehow in the middle of the night, someone or something had shaved what appeared to be a pattern of tiny crop circles into my chest hair.  I quickly went online and discovered that this is not a new phenomenon.

I've still not yet determined either the significance or the culprit behind all of this, but I'm actually worried that the COMO CYCO dog is to blame and may be trying to establish a runway for his canine martian brethren upon my torso.  

Thoroughly freaked, I spent the next two days at home, in bed, eating Cheeze-its.  Alien dogs hate Cheeze-its.  But I finally emerged from my lair this morning - alien dogs be damned.

In other news, this weekend should prove to be an exciting one as tomomrrow is Liege-Bastogne-Liege.  Last years' champion, Andy Schleck will be trying to take the win again, with the help of his brother.  I wonder if they can make it a two-fer? Damn those Schleck boys are cool.

At any rate - today I bring you your weekly installment of Friday Mail....on Saturday!  Enjoy!

---

Dear PooBah,

I am a huge Harry Potter fan and have read all the books twice.  One of my favorite parts of the stories is the quidditch matches, where all the characters ride around on brooms.  I thought this was so cool, that I've invented my own quidditch broom bike!  You actually steer the bike with the broom handle.  Do you think I can catch the golden snitch with this?

Yours

Ronald W.

Ronald,

I don't know about any snitch, but you're certainly at risk for catching a scrotum full of splinters.  Be careful on this one.

---

Dear PooBah,

I think that the reason so many cyclists get hit by cars while riding is because the clothes they tend to wear are too flashy.  Motorists have gotten too acclimated to seeing the average multi-colored cyclist riding about town.  I think if we become more difficult to see, then drivers will be forced to look for us harder, thus raising their awareness of our presence.  This is called reverse psychology.  Thus, I've invented an "invisible bicycle".  I think this could be huge, and was hoping you could endorse it and help me spread the word.  Thanks!

George T.

P.S. Check out my invisible rain gear, as well :)

George,

Well done, dude.  I'm not sure this ride will be any safer, but I have to say, you've really made me think about the esthetics of transportation.  Your bike is very reminiscent of Wonder Woman's preferred method of transportation: an invisible jet.  But because she did not become invisible when riding in the jet, it really served no stealth purpose, as people could still see her inside of it, oddly flying through the air in a sitting position.

Thus, the creators of Wonder Woman must have made her jet transparent not to serve any real purpose, but rather so we, the pre-pubescent, and yet still, highly impressionable young male viewers, had the opportunity to gawk at Lynda Carter in her WW uniform floating around in space. 

Whereas I used to love to see Wonder Woman floating around, the sight of you riding along in mid air makes me inexplicably angry which has led me to the conclusion that for some reason, I think you deserve as ass-whooping, and I would like to see it delivered to you by Lynda Carter, but I don't know exactly why.  Anyway - if you can arrange that, I would be happy to endorse your bike.  Good luck with that.

---

Dear PooBah

Check out the sweet ride I pimped for the annual Puerto Rican celebration parade!  I even put a small figurine of a famous Puerto Rican idol on a special handlebar mount!

Yours,

Herve J.

Herve,

No idea, had I, that Puerto Rican Yoda is!

---

Dear PooBah,

Do you have any idea what  Alessandro Petacchi and Fabio Sabatini are doing in this picture?

Paul S.

Paul,

Like many young lovers relaxing in parks around the world this spring, I wonder if they are playing that old children's game of pretending that the clouds are taking certain shapes.....Sabatini says, "Oh Ale-jet, that one looks just like Cadel Evan's chin!"  "No," says Petacchi, "that's Boonen's ass!"

---

Dear PooBah-

Other than Megadeth, do you have any other favorite cycling-related music you like to listen to?

Thanks!

Marilyn S.

Marilyn-

Well I really like the album "Bicycle" by HR.  There something about the dude with zombie eyes towing a tethered crane with his bicycle as a small boy in red pajamas weeps that is surreal, and yet emblamatic of cycling culture today.  Somedays, I'm the crane......some days I'm the little boy.

Then there is a great kayaoke album by "The Barefoot Man".  Track one is especially good - "I wish I were your bicycle seat."  Oh the number of times I've had this same desire....it speaks to me.

But I think my favorite has to be "Nipples" by Cartoon Boyfriend.  The album cover depicts three naked men riding a bike built only for one.  I'm not sure how fellow's #2 and #3 are remaining suspended in mid air, unless......oh.....never mind.

---

Dear PooBah-

I read today that Ivan Basso's sister Elisa is being charged with selling illegal drugs.  Many of her assets have already been consumed in trying to fight the allegations swirling around her involvement in the same doping ring that brought her brother down four years ago.  This is going to prove to be a very lengthy and expensive court case.  Do you think she has the money to afford all of this?

Jerry T.

Jerry -

Well, she knows how to turn a quick dime.....she's done it before.

Thanks for reading everyone - enjoy your weekend!

CCPB