Looking for love in all the wrong places...and rodents.

Last Friday, in place of the typical installment of Reader Mail, I posted some vintage bicycle advertisements.  One of which was quite peculiar and brought about some well-posed questions by reader "LastDog".  I've cropped and enlarged the portion of the photo "LastDog" was wondering about:

For some reason, adjacent to the photograph of the shirtless, leering man holding an umbrella for a scarved women with a busy right hand, are listed the childrens' bicycles....(the French translation for 'children' is 'infants who are compact.')  As if this hadn't amped up the creepy factor enough, one such bike model is apparently named the 'Hamster' which apparently only comes in a non-pliant version. 

What can one do with a non-pliant hamster, I have to ask myself....but as soon as I asked, cyclingnews had answered by publishing this picture of Allesandro Petacchi winning the Wolvertom-Meise post-Tour criterium.

Either Petacchi has a non-pliant hamster stuffed in his bib-shorts, or he was just really happy to get to share the podium with Miss Coast Belgium.

But certainly, this is understandable....bikes and love fit together like a hand in a glove, or a hamster in the chamois....take this "Missed Encounters" posting I found on Craigslist written by a guy who is longing for a special woman named 'Gale.'

for gale - m4w - 26 (downtown columbiat)

in the past week, i have seen you riding your bike, killing your beer in maybe 3 seconds, and explaining in a lot of detail how an m16 works.  and you did all of these things while wearing a very fancy dress.  hot damn, girl, this might be love.

Yes, I can think of few things more alluring about a woman than the ability to shotgun a beer and discuss the finer points of automatic firearm operation while riding a bike in a fancy dress.  Certainly, Gale must be able to appreciate a good, well-made bike, so as I perused craigslist further, I couldn't help but wonder if it was she that posted this bicycle for sale.

Vintage Women's Cruiser - $60 (columbia)

I bought a vintage women's cruiser (Free Spirit) a few months ago, but I never really rode it.  It's from the late 70's, early 80's, in pretty good condition.  It's made from one solid piece of metal, so it was built with dependability in mind.  There are a few dings and scratches and the chain should probably be replaced in the near future.  The basket is also a little dented.

It's a great, comfortable bike for commuting downtown or in the neighborhood.

You can pick it up or I can drop it off almost anytime.

Yeah.  I'm aware the pic is upside down.*

 *Acutal bike is not upside down.

I think it's fortunate that this bicycle adheres to the laws of physics, and rides on the ground versus the ceiling because if there is one thing less pliant than a compact infant's French hamster, I'm sure it's a Free Spirit made from one solid piece of metal, and while $60 sounds like a bargain, it might not be if it came crashing down on your head, unexpectantly.  But speaking of how much fun a non-pliant hamster might be, I stumbled upon this request for companionship also on craigslist:

Please help! (Columbia/Moberly)

My girlf friend and I need to find a woman to have fun in the bedroom.  Her 5'5" brown hair 110lb. Clean shaven.  Him 6'2" 265 lb.  Long blonde hair blue eyes 6" cut, clean bike.  Both gifted orally.  You, close within 30 lb of her.  Put love to lick in the subject line. 

I personally find it refreshing that the gentleman in this ad chooses to describe his girlfriend by her groinal grooming habits while he prefers to define himself by the cleanliness of his bicycle.  I ask you reader, what does the status of your bicycle's hygiene say about you?  At any rate, I'm tempted to try to play matchmaker and introduce this fun-loving couple to Gale....word on the street is, she knows how to hold her liquor and her guns while riding.....I just hope they don't either lick or shave any small rodents...pliant or otherwise.

Tour de France 2010: Blood, Sweat and Tears

I'm back at last, and thankfully so since it is July, and the Tour de France is well underway.  I broke down and coughed up the $12.50 extra a month to order the Versus Channel so I can keep up with the action in the evening.  At first, $12.50 seemed like a lot to pay since my  Mediacom package is already outrageously priced, but last night I learned the true value of what I had purchased.  Not only does the new channel package come with Versus, but also the "Chill" channel which meant that after watching the harrowing Stage 3 cobbles, we got to flip over and watch the last hour of the movie Ghoulies.

And if you are like me, and you have some TdF catching up to do, I though I would post a bit of a recap thus far...

Prologue:  Spartacus prevails despite Armstrong using a helmet that cost $15,000 to produce.

While Armstrong's 4th place finish was certainly impressive, I cannot say that it warranted the hefty pricetag.  That said, something tells me Cadel Evans should have probably spent a little more on his own TT helmet which kind of made him look like the Flinstone's martian, the Great Gazoo.

And while Armstrong had a replica model made of his head and torso so that his TT helmet could be wind-tunnel-tested without him actually having to be present....

Other cyclists, like poor Andy Shleck, had to test their TT helmets out while sitting on the can.

Maybe this is why he finished in 122nd place.

And keeping with the theme of Armstrong not being present, he also began employing press conferences that were pre-recorded onto a laptop, which the media is now trying to interview after each day's stage.  Alarmingly, the pre-recorded messages don't respond to questions.

Stage 1:  Ale-JET Petacchi takes the sprint finish after Cavendish turns left instead of right and removes several sprinters.

And Lloyd Mondory crashes into Tyler Farrar, lodging his bike onto Tyler's rear derailleur.  As a result, Mondory suffers the double indignity of losing some skin on the left cheek of his ass...

....in addition to being called a "kikker" by Farrar in Flemish, which translates to the word "frog" meant to describe Mondory's erratic riding behavior, but unknowingly also doubles as an ethnic slur to the Frenchman.  Farrar apologizes, but still thinks Mondory rides like shit.  The theme for the day?  Here.

Stage 2:  Sylvain Chavenel rides into yellow in a breakaway performance on the same course where he fractured his skull during Liege-BastogneLiege not 3 months ago, as the peloton takes it's turn doing an impression of Bambi on ice....including Farrar who fractures his wrist and sees his chances at a green Jersey slip away...

Spartacus decides to neutralize the stage because of the carnage  which also includes his teammate Andy Shleck who ate some pavement, but later posed nude for his brother who posted the photo session on Twitter.

This thoroughly pisses of Thor Hushovd:

"I've been riding all day for the stage win and the green jersey and I end up with nothing," Hushovd continued. "This is not fair. Will the same thing happen tomorrow? Will the times for GC be taken before the pavés sections? If Alberto Contador or another big rider crashes tomorrow on the cobblestones, he's entitled to ask for the race to be neutralised too! So when will we race, really?"

Stage 3:  Thor gets his wish.  Real racing on real cobbles and real winning for the Norwegian national champion.  And despite Spartacus pulling Andy Shleck to the line in the lead group and recovering the golden fleece back from Chavanel, Saxo Bank is still cranky as Franky fractures a collar bone and Jens Voigt thinks the whole thing is stupid.

“I think the ASO owes the entire Tour peloton a public apology,” an emotional Voigt screamed from his bike. “I lost one of the best friends I have in cycling, Fränk Schleck. And it was written all over the road before the stage even started.

“It was a stupid race, and a stupid mistake from the race organization. All I want is a public apology. They should say ‘Dear riders, it was a mistake, putting on a stage like that.’ It was stupid, it’s as simple as that.”

Meanwhile Armstrong loses time after he flats, has to go it alone and ends up eating a lot of dirt....

....while Vino does an impressive job keeping his team together and tucked in nicely, thus putting Contador in a good position after the epic day.

I love July!

Special Weekend Edition

First off, I want to apologize for the lack of regular posts the past couple of days.  I received several emails asking if I'd run away to join the circus, and although I've had the notion many, many times, unfortunately, the "wolf-boy" gig has already been taken....so I'm afraid I would be perceived as just a cheap knock-off. 

And I would hate to be thought of as someone who tries to mimic anyone.  Incidentally, the reason I've been away from COMO CYCO headquarters has to do with the fact that I'm occasionaly mistaken for the wolf-boy.....This past Thursday morning, I awoke, like most other days, brimming with excitement to be starting another fulfilling day at my job.  But, upon entering my bathroom to brush my face, I looked into the mirror and  immediately noticed that something was awry.....badly.  When I finally realized what was going on, chills went down my spine. Somehow in the middle of the night, someone or something had shaved what appeared to be a pattern of tiny crop circles into my chest hair.  I quickly went online and discovered that this is not a new phenomenon.

I've still not yet determined either the significance or the culprit behind all of this, but I'm actually worried that the COMO CYCO dog is to blame and may be trying to establish a runway for his canine martian brethren upon my torso.  

Thoroughly freaked, I spent the next two days at home, in bed, eating Cheeze-its.  Alien dogs hate Cheeze-its.  But I finally emerged from my lair this morning - alien dogs be damned.

In other news, this weekend should prove to be an exciting one as tomomrrow is Liege-Bastogne-Liege.  Last years' champion, Andy Schleck will be trying to take the win again, with the help of his brother.  I wonder if they can make it a two-fer? Damn those Schleck boys are cool.

At any rate - today I bring you your weekly installment of Friday Mail....on Saturday!  Enjoy!

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Dear PooBah,

I am a huge Harry Potter fan and have read all the books twice.  One of my favorite parts of the stories is the quidditch matches, where all the characters ride around on brooms.  I thought this was so cool, that I've invented my own quidditch broom bike!  You actually steer the bike with the broom handle.  Do you think I can catch the golden snitch with this?

Yours

Ronald W.

Ronald,

I don't know about any snitch, but you're certainly at risk for catching a scrotum full of splinters.  Be careful on this one.

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Dear PooBah,

I think that the reason so many cyclists get hit by cars while riding is because the clothes they tend to wear are too flashy.  Motorists have gotten too acclimated to seeing the average multi-colored cyclist riding about town.  I think if we become more difficult to see, then drivers will be forced to look for us harder, thus raising their awareness of our presence.  This is called reverse psychology.  Thus, I've invented an "invisible bicycle".  I think this could be huge, and was hoping you could endorse it and help me spread the word.  Thanks!

George T.

P.S. Check out my invisible rain gear, as well :)

George,

Well done, dude.  I'm not sure this ride will be any safer, but I have to say, you've really made me think about the esthetics of transportation.  Your bike is very reminiscent of Wonder Woman's preferred method of transportation: an invisible jet.  But because she did not become invisible when riding in the jet, it really served no stealth purpose, as people could still see her inside of it, oddly flying through the air in a sitting position.

Thus, the creators of Wonder Woman must have made her jet transparent not to serve any real purpose, but rather so we, the pre-pubescent, and yet still, highly impressionable young male viewers, had the opportunity to gawk at Lynda Carter in her WW uniform floating around in space. 

Whereas I used to love to see Wonder Woman floating around, the sight of you riding along in mid air makes me inexplicably angry which has led me to the conclusion that for some reason, I think you deserve as ass-whooping, and I would like to see it delivered to you by Lynda Carter, but I don't know exactly why.  Anyway - if you can arrange that, I would be happy to endorse your bike.  Good luck with that.

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Dear PooBah

Check out the sweet ride I pimped for the annual Puerto Rican celebration parade!  I even put a small figurine of a famous Puerto Rican idol on a special handlebar mount!

Yours,

Herve J.

Herve,

No idea, had I, that Puerto Rican Yoda is!

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Dear PooBah,

Do you have any idea what  Alessandro Petacchi and Fabio Sabatini are doing in this picture?

Paul S.

Paul,

Like many young lovers relaxing in parks around the world this spring, I wonder if they are playing that old children's game of pretending that the clouds are taking certain shapes.....Sabatini says, "Oh Ale-jet, that one looks just like Cadel Evan's chin!"  "No," says Petacchi, "that's Boonen's ass!"

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Dear PooBah-

Other than Megadeth, do you have any other favorite cycling-related music you like to listen to?

Thanks!

Marilyn S.

Marilyn-

Well I really like the album "Bicycle" by HR.  There something about the dude with zombie eyes towing a tethered crane with his bicycle as a small boy in red pajamas weeps that is surreal, and yet emblamatic of cycling culture today.  Somedays, I'm the crane......some days I'm the little boy.

Then there is a great kayaoke album by "The Barefoot Man".  Track one is especially good - "I wish I were your bicycle seat."  Oh the number of times I've had this same desire....it speaks to me.

But I think my favorite has to be "Nipples" by Cartoon Boyfriend.  The album cover depicts three naked men riding a bike built only for one.  I'm not sure how fellow's #2 and #3 are remaining suspended in mid air, unless......oh.....never mind.

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Dear PooBah-

I read today that Ivan Basso's sister Elisa is being charged with selling illegal drugs.  Many of her assets have already been consumed in trying to fight the allegations swirling around her involvement in the same doping ring that brought her brother down four years ago.  This is going to prove to be a very lengthy and expensive court case.  Do you think she has the money to afford all of this?

Jerry T.

Jerry -

Well, she knows how to turn a quick dime.....she's done it before.

Thanks for reading everyone - enjoy your weekend!

CCPB