COMO AWESOMO Friday Mail!

You may be wondering where I've been all week.  I could lie and say I've been incredibly busy with work - but I don't want to insult your intelligence like that.  So I will be truthful.  This week I got the new iPhone 4S....which honestly meant absolutely nothing to me.....at first that is.  I simply needed a new phone out of necessity.  My old iPhone was rendered nearly unusable after the GEEC tried to dribble it on the garage floor a couple of times.  Funny things about iPhones - they are pretty amazing little gadgets, but they don't bounce well.  Anyway - after receiving the iPhone 4S, I learned that I can actually converse with a female-voiced internal computer named "Siri", as demonstrated in this advertisment:


Pretty amazing.  The iPhone's Siri can help me can seal the big deal while running, check traffic conditions and alert my significant other of my ETA, check the weather in the city to which I will be travelling and many more things.  However useful all of these requests seemed, I still thought of an application that could be of more benefit.  So as soon as I took Siri out of the box, I told her:

She replied,

Siri then went into map function and showed me the location and name of both stores which were both JC Penny's.  This is not exactly my first choice of pants store - but getting the locations and directions of Walmart was probably just too much to ask for.  And besides -  in desperate times, beggars cannot be choosers.

What impressed me most with Siri was that her voice was very calming and soothing.  And there was no criticism or judgement - just helpful information.  For example, when I informed her that I had just soiled myself, she could have responded with,

But alas, no.  She immediately went into help mode....what anyone of us would want in a moment of crisis.  Honestly, I think we could learn a lot from Siri.  At any rate - she and I have been conversing quite a bit lately - and yes, I may have become a little preoccupied with her - and thus have neglected you, dear reader.  So I apologize.

That said, a good friend just passed this article along to me which has made me a little concerned.

So, my new relationship with Siri could result in me "shooting blanks" so to speak.  This is what is called the risk-benefit trade off, and one that Siri and I will wrestle with..... but we'll do it together. 

At any rate - I need to mention a few cycling related things, since this is supposed to be a cycling blog, afterall.

First up is the Pro-Cycling Tweet 'O The Week provided this week by Tyler Hamilton's twitter feed in response to the news that Lance Armstrong flew into Boston to give a presentation at Harvard recently:

Let's hope they got a chance to catch up in the men's room.

And far more important than that - I'm happy to announce that Cyclocross is coming back to Columbia!  Mark your calendars now.  The first annual CoMo Awesomo CX race will be Saturday, November 19th in A. Perry Phillips Park.  I don't have all the details now, but will try to track those down for everyone and get them up here soon.    Until then - spread the word!

OK - and just a few letters...

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Dear PooBah
How many French junior road cyclists can fit up the ass of the junior road world champion Pierre-Henri Lecuisinier?
Just curious -
Edwin K.

Edwin-
None....now that that the French juniors have won the world championship, their heads are just too big.

photo credit.

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Dear PooBah,
What do you think David Millar is thinking in this photo?
Thanks!
Kevin H.

photo credit.

Kevin-

Several possibilites, really....take your pick:

a) "Wow, and I thought getting pricked by the EPO needle used to hurt!"

b) "Damn, why is he so angry?  I told him he could go first!"

c) "I can't figure out why this damned Breathe Right strip isn't working!"

d) "Gunther - did you bring the DZNutz like I asked you?"

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Dear PooBah,

Do you have any idea why Frank Shleck was recently seen half-naked, sitting on a large pole swinging garbage bags at another half-naked dude?

Alex C.

photo credit.

Alex,

Hmmmmm good question.  I'm not sure - but here's an equally perplexing one.  Why in the hell is he also pretending to be Angus Young from AC/DC?

photo credit.

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Dear PooBah,

Chris Horner recently posted a picture of himself doing some new exercises that involve him balancing himself on a single giant ball.  This must be a really difficult and dangerous maneuver - eh?  Do you think this exercise could catch on with other pros in the peloton?

Jill S.

Jill-

Well, despite the danger, attempting to squish a single-ball that has gotten a little big for its britches is certainly not new to cyclists in the pro-peloton....that's for sure. 

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Dear PooBah,

Since the Brits won the world road championships, it seems like they've adopted a new superior attitude within the cycling world that has permeated throughout British culture.  For example, take a look at the cover of November's issue of Esquire that was released here in the US last week:

Now look at the cover of the November issue of Esquire that was released in the United Kingdom last week!

What's wrong with this???

Thanks!

Herman G.

Herman-

Don't fret too much.  For starters, Ms. Lowe's saddle is too low.....I've studied the article in some detail and am also worried that she might have a bit of a drinking problem as well, as it appears that she isn't able to deliver water from her bottle into her mouth successfully at all. 

And her cycling shorts are REALLY shy on the chamois!  That's going to result in a little chafing, I think.

With all these faux-pas, I wouldn't worry too much about the so-called British cycling superiority...

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That's all for today, kids.  Have a great weekend!

No worries, mate....we're moving to Luxembourg!

It's a tough week to be an Australian pro racer, I guess.  And the worst possible thing you can do as an Aussie is apparently win at the Eneco tour.  Robbie McEwen (Katousha) shows some late-season form in winning Stage 1...

and then Aussie track star and now road pro Jack Bobridge (Garmin) wins stage 5...

and both are snubbed from the Australian world's team for Mathew Hayman and Wesley Sulzberger?  Who is doing the math on this one?  I'm certainly not discounting the abilities of either Hayman or Sulzberger, but they haven't been truly competitive since the spring, while both McEwan and "Jacky Bobby" are racing well NOW.  If performing well at the Eneco tour spells trouble for the selection to your respective country's world team, then Andre Greipel should be worried, as yesterday he took his second stage there.  And consistent with nobody from HTC Columbia knowing how to execute an appropriate victory salute as they cross the line, Greipel busted this one out in Heers, Belgium as he won.

(This photo reminds me of how my grandmother used to try to pry her dog's ancient lips open to spray this stuff into her mouth called "happy breath" in an attempt to squelch the distinctive odor that can only come from a 15-year-old Miniature Schnauzer's mouth.  There's just something impressive about the ability of those Germans to purse their lips: both Andre and Heidi....)

But for all this worrying, someone who is certainly not worried, according to cyclingnews, is Bjarne Riis.

Despite losing the Shlecks, his directeur sportif Kim Andersen, Jakob Fuglsang, and likely both Stuart O'Grady and Jens Voigt to the new Shleck-tastic Luxembourgian team as well as watching Matti Breschel leave for Rabobank, Riis is content with the three Spanish amigos of Ben, Dan and Jesus (Noval, Navarro and Hernandez.)  And the article published by cyclingnews regarding Riis' lack of concern is accompanied by three photos of Bjarne looking definitely NOT worried:

While Bjarne is busy not worrying in Denmark, the country of Luxembourg is also not worried, and in fact rejoicing in celebration, and not just because Frankie got married on Saturday...

but because Andy has become a national hero and is beloved by all Luxembourgian children....take this photo he posted on Twitter of himself with some kids who painted a mural for him:

"Message: Nice welcome gift! Big Hugs to the kids in my street for this!!!"

If you are having difficulties making out what is on the front of Andy's t-shirt as he sits amidst the gaggle of children, you can see it better here....because it's the exact same shirt that teammate Jakob Fuglsang is wearing at the post-Tour gala......I'm sure the boys especially liked to hug him while he was wearing this...to get a better view....

There's nothing that weird about two friends sharing a shirt, is there?  I mean, Contador and Shleck are also friends....so maybe Bert will share his Maillot Jaune with Andy for a bit.  I think Andy must feel virtually naked without it....as was depicted in another gift Andy received from "his biggest fan, Sigrid (8 years old), also posted on Twitter.

"Message: Just got a painting from my biggest Fan 8 year old Thanks Sigrid :)"

I'm guessing that's Contador on the right, pantsless, but in the Maillot Jaune with the big smile, and Andy on the left with the Luxembourgian flag over his head, frown on his face and wearing nothing but a black hole in his chest where his heart should be?  All that's missing is the dropped chain...

Ok - so maybe somebody is a little worried in Luxembourg....

Tour de France 2010: Blood, Sweat and Tears

I'm back at last, and thankfully so since it is July, and the Tour de France is well underway.  I broke down and coughed up the $12.50 extra a month to order the Versus Channel so I can keep up with the action in the evening.  At first, $12.50 seemed like a lot to pay since my  Mediacom package is already outrageously priced, but last night I learned the true value of what I had purchased.  Not only does the new channel package come with Versus, but also the "Chill" channel which meant that after watching the harrowing Stage 3 cobbles, we got to flip over and watch the last hour of the movie Ghoulies.

And if you are like me, and you have some TdF catching up to do, I though I would post a bit of a recap thus far...

Prologue:  Spartacus prevails despite Armstrong using a helmet that cost $15,000 to produce.

While Armstrong's 4th place finish was certainly impressive, I cannot say that it warranted the hefty pricetag.  That said, something tells me Cadel Evans should have probably spent a little more on his own TT helmet which kind of made him look like the Flinstone's martian, the Great Gazoo.

And while Armstrong had a replica model made of his head and torso so that his TT helmet could be wind-tunnel-tested without him actually having to be present....

Other cyclists, like poor Andy Shleck, had to test their TT helmets out while sitting on the can.

Maybe this is why he finished in 122nd place.

And keeping with the theme of Armstrong not being present, he also began employing press conferences that were pre-recorded onto a laptop, which the media is now trying to interview after each day's stage.  Alarmingly, the pre-recorded messages don't respond to questions.

Stage 1:  Ale-JET Petacchi takes the sprint finish after Cavendish turns left instead of right and removes several sprinters.

And Lloyd Mondory crashes into Tyler Farrar, lodging his bike onto Tyler's rear derailleur.  As a result, Mondory suffers the double indignity of losing some skin on the left cheek of his ass...

....in addition to being called a "kikker" by Farrar in Flemish, which translates to the word "frog" meant to describe Mondory's erratic riding behavior, but unknowingly also doubles as an ethnic slur to the Frenchman.  Farrar apologizes, but still thinks Mondory rides like shit.  The theme for the day?  Here.

Stage 2:  Sylvain Chavenel rides into yellow in a breakaway performance on the same course where he fractured his skull during Liege-BastogneLiege not 3 months ago, as the peloton takes it's turn doing an impression of Bambi on ice....including Farrar who fractures his wrist and sees his chances at a green Jersey slip away...

Spartacus decides to neutralize the stage because of the carnage  which also includes his teammate Andy Shleck who ate some pavement, but later posed nude for his brother who posted the photo session on Twitter.

This thoroughly pisses of Thor Hushovd:

"I've been riding all day for the stage win and the green jersey and I end up with nothing," Hushovd continued. "This is not fair. Will the same thing happen tomorrow? Will the times for GC be taken before the pavés sections? If Alberto Contador or another big rider crashes tomorrow on the cobblestones, he's entitled to ask for the race to be neutralised too! So when will we race, really?"

Stage 3:  Thor gets his wish.  Real racing on real cobbles and real winning for the Norwegian national champion.  And despite Spartacus pulling Andy Shleck to the line in the lead group and recovering the golden fleece back from Chavanel, Saxo Bank is still cranky as Franky fractures a collar bone and Jens Voigt thinks the whole thing is stupid.

“I think the ASO owes the entire Tour peloton a public apology,” an emotional Voigt screamed from his bike. “I lost one of the best friends I have in cycling, Fränk Schleck. And it was written all over the road before the stage even started.

“It was a stupid race, and a stupid mistake from the race organization. All I want is a public apology. They should say ‘Dear riders, it was a mistake, putting on a stage like that.’ It was stupid, it’s as simple as that.”

Meanwhile Armstrong loses time after he flats, has to go it alone and ends up eating a lot of dirt....

....while Vino does an impressive job keeping his team together and tucked in nicely, thus putting Contador in a good position after the epic day.

I love July!

Image is Everything

As the approximate one thousand emails arrived in COMO CYCO headquarters on or about Black Friday from World Cycling Productions heralding their massive sales of all things shnazzy in apparel, it occured to me how in cycling, image has become everything.  Gone are the days of rolling up your pantleg or using a rubber band to avoid getting your pants caught in your drivetrain.  Now you have the option of purchasing a stylish Brooks "Leather Trouser Clip" for $39.95.

Of course, had you purchased that over the weekend, it would have been 10% off due to the sale.  Sorry if you missed out.

Not to be left out of the pre-Christmas shopping rush, BSNYC alerted us all to World Champion Cadel Evans' new clothing line.  Most notable of which was a T-shirt he was selling with the slogan "Don't stand on my dog."

Slogans reflecting athletic themes are typically short and catchy, like Nike's "Just Do It" or the Lance Armstrong Foundation's "Hope Rides Again", thus one cannot help but find Cadel's choice slightly obtuse.  His website, however, offers a helpful explanation.

"DON'T STAND ON MY DOG.  A phrase that has become synonymous with Cadel since Stage 15 in the 2008 Tour de France; Cadel had just lost the yellow jersey and was being interviewed by a journalist, Cadel jokingly quipped at someone who was getting too close to Molly [his dog]..."Don't stand on my dog or i'll cut your head off."  Thanks to some media editting the true comic nature of the comment was rarely shown.....Made of 100% cotton....Only 100 of [the t-shirts] available, for everyone who likes, every now and then, not to take life too seriously!"

Those clever editors  - how dare they destroy the true comic relief of a good decapitation.  That said, what's not to take seriously about someone potentially standing on one's dog?  Cadel seems to be particularly protective of all fuzzy creatures.  Look how he defends the stuffed golden lion he's holding after winning Stage 10 of the same Tour de France when a reporter touches it with his microphone and then later tries to pet it.

Clearly, now in the off-season, Cadel is trying to let cooler minds prevail and to let his gentler and more comedic side shine through with his T-shirt.  He is not the only pro racer working on image overhauls, however. 

Andy and Frank Schleck, ever the fiercesome Luxembourgian duo, who tried to work together to topple Armstrong, Contador and Wiggins in the 2009 Tour de France with steeley race tactics, are now working hard to demonstrate how cuddly they can be as they were photographed recently frolicking with two dolphins, and apparently showing them the proper hand position when winning a mountain-top stage.

Like this is going to come in handy for dolphins.  Everyone knows they can't take in enough air through their blow holes to be competitive in the mountains and will thus never be anything more than glorified domestiques.  And yet the Shlecks taunt them with false hopes.

Things are also shaking up over at Garmin-Slipstream as a new sponsor is on board and they are officially changing their name to Garmin-Transition.  Although the team is looking leaner and meaner for next year, Papa Vaughters seems to be undergoing some holiday softening as well.

Interestingly, Contador might be taking the opposite tack and choosing this opportunity, when all of his rivals are getting a little soft in the middle, to lay down the gauntlet in declaring himself the new bad boy of the peloton.  Take for example this recent photo reported by Velo News during a press conference where he discussed his objectives for team Astana next year.  Right in the midst of the Q&A session, he applies digital pressure to his right nostril and blatantly blows a snot-rocket.

In an even greater display of disrespect, he then went over to accept a new ceremonial pair of Sidi's from his sponsor as part of their 50th Anniversary celebration with the massive luggie still hanging from the front of his shirt.

Just a word of caution to all of those in the pro peloton who might be reading this....yes, image is everything....but it can also be a bitch to shake...just ask the two guys on the right.

Pedal on!