Winter cycling news....boring and a little creepy

Once cross season is over, reading winter cycling news is just about the most boring thing you can subject yourself to.  "Team 'blah-blah-blah' is holding their winter training camp in the Bahamas, while team 'who-gives-a-shit' is welcoming its new members on the southern coast of Spain."  We sit in cold homes and offices and watch the tropical frivolity unfold.  But which photographer thought is was necessary to take a picture of Garmin's Jonathan Vaughters spray his hairy ankles with insect repellent to keep the sand flies away in the Caymans:

Or observe David Zabriskie attending an evening soiree in a hideous mini-muumuu:

Of course, I'm sure these guys don't exactly appreciate having the cycling paparazzi in their face 24/7 either....especially when you are the World Champion and are just trying to dry hump a giant iguana.  I mean - doesn't the rainbow jersey earn you a little privacy now and then?

Or how about having your photo taken if you're the SaxoBank boys windsurfing at a nude beach:

Of course, any disdain on my part toward these stories is born out of two things: 1) I already have cabin fever and it's not even Christmas yet, and 2) I want to get to ride a giant friggin' iguana!

It was in the midst of this dark place of cold toes and iguana envy that I stumbled upon an advertisment for a winter cycling challenge from Rapha.  Titled the Rapha Festive 500, the company is challenging cyclists worldwide to ride 500 km between December 23 and December 30th.  Each cyclist is responsible for documenting the accumulated mileage themselves and submitting said data via Flickr, Vimeo, YouTube or in blog format.  If you are one of the first 100 to complete the distance in the alloted time you win this.

Whoa - ease up on the giving spirit of Xmas, Rapha - you'll overwhelm us with the 100 cheap-ass little patches you're handing out.

However, if you document your 500km in a way more creative than anyone else, you can also win the "Deep Winter Training Bundle" which sadly does not include a trip to the Cayman Islands, or an iguana ride, but rather a bunch of winter riding clothes, well-crafted to be sure, but also certain to be the target of much ridicule by those you are riding with....especially if you take the time to sew the patch on. Sadly, the $70 special Rapha+PaulSmith Silk riding scarf which also featured prominently on the Rapha website these days is not included amongst the prizes.

(What a shame - this would have really looked good on the COMO CYCO dog, too.)

 In other fascinating winter-time cycling news, Columbia HTC just released photos of their new cycling kit, as demonstrated here by Tony Martin.

Sprinter extrodinaire Mark Cavendouche wasted no time busting his out on a training ride....

...which unforunately was cut short because his feet couldn't reach the pedals, and he tired of his assistant having to hang on to his "steering tube."



Amongst all of this boring winter cycling news, the most unsettling thing I have stumbled upon, however, has to be this photo of SaxoBank directeur Bjarne Riis playing in the sea with his new Luxembougless SaxoBank squad:

Where did the man's chin go?  Did he lose it in the surf, or was it gnawed off by a reef shark? Does anyone remember the 1982 movie The Thing made by John Carpenter where an alien life form is encountered in the Arctic that can take over bodies?  Do you remember this particular incarnation of the The Thing?

I swear - you put this thing in a high-collared skin suit - and you've got surf-folicking Bjarne Riis....

I'ts going to be a long winter.

No worries, mate....we're moving to Luxembourg!

It's a tough week to be an Australian pro racer, I guess.  And the worst possible thing you can do as an Aussie is apparently win at the Eneco tour.  Robbie McEwen (Katousha) shows some late-season form in winning Stage 1...

and then Aussie track star and now road pro Jack Bobridge (Garmin) wins stage 5...

and both are snubbed from the Australian world's team for Mathew Hayman and Wesley Sulzberger?  Who is doing the math on this one?  I'm certainly not discounting the abilities of either Hayman or Sulzberger, but they haven't been truly competitive since the spring, while both McEwan and "Jacky Bobby" are racing well NOW.  If performing well at the Eneco tour spells trouble for the selection to your respective country's world team, then Andre Greipel should be worried, as yesterday he took his second stage there.  And consistent with nobody from HTC Columbia knowing how to execute an appropriate victory salute as they cross the line, Greipel busted this one out in Heers, Belgium as he won.

(This photo reminds me of how my grandmother used to try to pry her dog's ancient lips open to spray this stuff into her mouth called "happy breath" in an attempt to squelch the distinctive odor that can only come from a 15-year-old Miniature Schnauzer's mouth.  There's just something impressive about the ability of those Germans to purse their lips: both Andre and Heidi....)

But for all this worrying, someone who is certainly not worried, according to cyclingnews, is Bjarne Riis.

Despite losing the Shlecks, his directeur sportif Kim Andersen, Jakob Fuglsang, and likely both Stuart O'Grady and Jens Voigt to the new Shleck-tastic Luxembourgian team as well as watching Matti Breschel leave for Rabobank, Riis is content with the three Spanish amigos of Ben, Dan and Jesus (Noval, Navarro and Hernandez.)  And the article published by cyclingnews regarding Riis' lack of concern is accompanied by three photos of Bjarne looking definitely NOT worried:

While Bjarne is busy not worrying in Denmark, the country of Luxembourg is also not worried, and in fact rejoicing in celebration, and not just because Frankie got married on Saturday...

but because Andy has become a national hero and is beloved by all Luxembourgian children....take this photo he posted on Twitter of himself with some kids who painted a mural for him:

"Message: Nice welcome gift! Big Hugs to the kids in my street for this!!!"

If you are having difficulties making out what is on the front of Andy's t-shirt as he sits amidst the gaggle of children, you can see it better here....because it's the exact same shirt that teammate Jakob Fuglsang is wearing at the post-Tour gala......I'm sure the boys especially liked to hug him while he was wearing this...to get a better view....

There's nothing that weird about two friends sharing a shirt, is there?  I mean, Contador and Shleck are also friends....so maybe Bert will share his Maillot Jaune with Andy for a bit.  I think Andy must feel virtually naked without it....as was depicted in another gift Andy received from "his biggest fan, Sigrid (8 years old), also posted on Twitter.

"Message: Just got a painting from my biggest Fan 8 year old Thanks Sigrid :)"

I'm guessing that's Contador on the right, pantsless, but in the Maillot Jaune with the big smile, and Andy on the left with the Luxembourgian flag over his head, frown on his face and wearing nothing but a black hole in his chest where his heart should be?  All that's missing is the dropped chain...

Ok - so maybe somebody is a little worried in Luxembourg....

Motivation through criticism: Shit beer and nipple massages

As I was finishing my ride on Sunday, I passed through downtown and happened upon this fixie on the south end of 9th street.

What you can't appreciate from this photo is the sticker that is adorning the top tube, which I've magnified below for your benefit.

Coincidentally or not, the campaign sticker promoting Sarah Palin in 2012 is perched just above a dual water bottle configuration that is equally as baffling to me as Mrs. Palin's potential presidential candidacy. As you can see, the top water bottle is positioned so close to the head tube that the cyclist was unable to get the  bottle out of the cage, and thus left it hanging half in and half out.  Thus, the bottle has the appearance of being potentially useful, but upon closer inspection, is entirely useless, thus once again bringing me to the 'Sarah Palin as President' analogy.  Looking good and being good isn't the same thing.

But surely I should ease up on  Mrs. Palin, not because I don't think she would do a good job, but rather because I wouldn't want any ribbing to somehow actually encourage her to run for office again.  Criticism has a way of fueling certain peoples' motivational fires.  Bearing this in mind, I was quite perplexed when I read the following on cyclingnews.

The Saxo Bank Team owner and former Tour de France champion was first quoted as saying "I am deeply impressed by what he delivered last year.  It was beautiful and deserves great respect....I think he can do well....."  And about this point, one can sense a 'but' on its way larger than that female gymnast's became after she won the gold medal in China...

"...but it will be difficult for him to get on the podium,  So he must really do much better, and I do not think he can.  He is getting older......He must pull himself together to make the top-five."

So what, we must ask, would prompt Riis, to smack the hornets' nest that is Lance Armstrong's motivational engine?  Is this some kind of reverse psychology or does he really believe LA is over the proverbial Alpe D'Huez?  Well, there is some evidence that LA might be past his competitive prime...The GEEC pointed this out to me a couple nights ago while she was reading Women's Health magazine....

Titled "Leader of the Pack," this special 'exclusive' Q and A interview with Armstrong is actually an advertisment for Michelob ULTRA.  The third question of the "interview" reads:

Q: How does Michelob ULTRA fit into your balanced lifestyle?

A: I am a guy who enjoys going out and pushing myself to the limit.  That could mean a 6-hour bike ride or a 2-hour gym session.  Whatever the activity, I enjoy the rewards of a hard workout.

The implication being that after a hard training ride, Lance gathers with his group of demographically accurate racially diverse friends, as seen here, and cracks a nice cold bottle of watered down piss Michelob ULTRA.

I think Riis must be right.  He has got to pull himself together....

Evidence suggests LA is trying to center himself and focus on the future, however.  Apparently, his motivational drive is no longer fueled by refuting criticism and welling anger, but rather by deep, mammary massages.  Look out Schleck boys.....

Pedal on!