Fashionable dilemmas

First order of business today.  I've been getting more than a few disgruntled emails regarding the gentle ribbing (no pun intended) I gave of PrimalWear cycling jerseys last week, most specifically, the one called "The Bone Collector." 

I guess apologies are in order - I didn't mean to offend anyone who likes to wear "The Bone Collector" or any other anatomically correct cycling wear for that matter.  By all means - if you like to display facsimiles of your anatomy on your cycling garb, go for it.  I mean, after all, it worked for Mario.  But might I suggest you consider aerodynamics and thus take it one step further and just go for the tattoo?

Paired with some form fitting daisy dukes, this could really make for the ideal time trialing outfit.

Speaking of tattoos, I was interested to see Sylvain Chavanel's new tattoo today on Cyclingnews.

A tattoo is a work of art - but special planning in advance really can make it that more special.  For example, Chavanel was careful to make sure that his dragon was descending into flames that appear to be emerging from the top of his sock.  Any lower on the ankle - and all you would see is the dragon's ass....which really is no good at all.  This photo was taken at the starting line of today's Brabantse Pijl race which marks the beginning of the Ardennes classic season.  The next installment of the series of course is Sunday's Amstel Gold Race, visually represented here by Michel Cornelisse, who was inventor of the hair-helmet popularized in the 80's.

After Amstel Gold, Fleche Wallone and Liege-Bastogne-Liege are to follow next week.  It's the latter race which RadioShack's Chris Horner has targetted to wanting to win next.  Amidst the fanfare of Spartacus winning Paris-Roubaix in commanding fashion, Horner quietly became the first american to don the 'txapela', or the hat awarded to the winner of the Tour of the Basque Country which he took on Saturday by winning the final time trial.

As far as podium presentations go, the previously injury-plagued Horner must have been elated to finally win the coveted hat of a race he has openly admired for years.  But speaking of desirable podium presentations, I have to wonder if the U.S. Ladies Mountain Bike Team were equally as pleased with their recent presentation after sweeping the podium in the cross country event of the Continental Mountain Bike race held in Guatemala.

Does the male dominated sport really have to carry over to the extent that the podium presenters for the women's races were also female Guatemalan models clad in skin tight lycra?  Out of respect for the accomplishments of our US Women's team, I created a new version of what their podium presentation should have been.....because don't all women love a guy in lycra?

Hand made bikes: Teabagging your ownership

As many of you already know, the North American Hand Made Bicycle Show (NAHMBS) went down this past weekend in Richmond, Virginia.  If you are not familiar with the NAHMBS, it is essentially a gathering of cycling fetishism.  There you can find individuals who dedicate themselves to hand-crafting lugs, hammered fenders and personalizing their bicycle ownership with creative new ways.  Curious, I sought out some news about the event on PezCycling and saw a report on some featured leather bar wrap made by a company named HandleBra.  Visiting the company's homepage, I learned that the product's slogan is "Wait 'till you put your hands on this!"

Apparently the folks at PEZ were as equally as excited about it as they claim:

"In fact, the grip is so skin friendly that folks were considering it a pleasurable option for things beyond bikes...."

And following this suggestion, the author placed this photo:

I don't know about you, but I find is slighty disconcerting that the HandleBra company rep holds his wrapped handlebar demo in front of his crotch, laciviously tempting passers by to follow the company slogan and "Put your hands on this!"  And what exactly is the PEZ author refering to when he suggests that the "skin-friendly" wrap could be "pleasurable" for other things.  Obviously, when one (and by that I mean ME) considers "pleasurable things" one thinks of genitalia.  So instantly, I considered that the "skin-friendly" HandleBra wrap would be a huge hit for someone wishing to learn that 'leg-over the handlebar, skid stop' fixie trick that is all the rage these days.  I'm sure this move has its own name, but honestly, I could care less.

In a sense, this rider is essentially tea-bagging his own handlebar, which might lead to significant testicular chafing, especially if the cut of denim in his skinny jeans is extra coarse.  Problem solved.  Before commencing on the tea-bagging skid stop, hipsters now can unzip and allow their testicles to rest directly upon the "skin-friendly" handlebars instead of the non-wrapped, polished chrome that this fellow is dry-humping.  Or they can simply add brakes to their bike, and stop slinging their legs over the handlebars to begin with.  Because, after all, exteriorizing one's genitals upon one's bike sounds like it would be fairly cumbersome, and not just a little weird.  Not so, apparently, as a reader recently sent me the link to an entire website called "Teabags on Toptubes" which is dedicated to the art of scrotal recumbency upon bicycles and is definitely not safe for work.  Upon this site you will see pictures of men resting their gamete factories upon bicycles of various kinds, as an act of "ownership", or so says the site.  I've rendered this particular photo (which demonstrates the act) safe for work with a strategically placed fezzed-Shatner.

One can only imagine how much more comfortable this particular gentleman's scrotal area would be had he chosen to wrap his bars with HandleBra Performance Wrap rather than cork prior to 'owning' it with his junk.

The male gender of any species tends to be possessive of objects and often wishes to declare ownership in one way or another, so perhaps this particular act should not be that surprising.  For example, the alpha male wolf urinates on the bushes surrounding a favorite hunting ground or his den, thus denoting the boundaries of his terrirory.  So too, is it important for many men to mark their bicycles as their own.  This may be most important in situations of bike sharing, where many individuals may wish to use a public bike, thus causing the male cyclist to claim one for his own by draping his boys across it prior to hopping on.

Apparently for some men, bicycle ownership doesn't stop at teabagging their top tubes, but rather stamping something more permanent there, while still inferring the intended meaning like this bike seen at the NAHMBS and reported by cyclingnews.

But as anyone who has frequented a tattoo parlor knows, when asking for the Chinese characters for 'Peace and Harmony' you might end up with the characters for 'Sweet and Sour Pork'.  Similarly, instead of saying "Dr. Tea", this could very well say "Place Balls Here."  And "Dr. Tea" certainly did just that with his own bag.

If one is shy about the act of teabagging one's own bike, and doesn't have the money for a fancy top tube tattoo, the alternative seems to be to hang a couple of small token representative nuts from the saddle rails to fend off the competitive male cyclists' stray eye...

Nothing says, "Back off - this is mine!" like a couple of golden balls.

Pedal on!

Dear PooBah, (Reader Mail)

Before we get to the mail, I just want to take a moment to thank all those who choose to look over these pages from time to time and share my often meandering and meaningless observations.  I would like to tell you that you are what makes this website great, but come on, let's be realistic....it's all the crap-tastic articles and photos of cycling absurdity that exist on the internet which I'm obsessed with finding that make it equally as crap-tastic.  That and the diverse and ever-growing cycling scene of COMO which you are responsible for.  And for which I'm ever grateful.

Ok - enough of the touchy-feely stuff.  It's time to get caught up on some more reader mail.  It's been coming in fast and furious since our last installement - so I figured it was time to empty out the old in-box folder.  Let's get it on!

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Dear PooBah:
I just recently got a tattoo of my girlfriend and her bike to show her how much i love her.  To be specific, the tattoo depicts this one time when she ran into a curb and flipped over the handlebars and scraped up her thigh. When I showed her the tattoo, she slapped me and now won't answer my calls.  I've attached a photo for your reference.  I know you dig cycling-related tattoos, so figured you could give me an honest opinion and tell me what to do.  Thanks!

Tat-man.

Tat-man:

Wow.  I can't imagine what Daisey-Mae wouldn't like about this!  But first of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that she was born with club feet.  This must be a tough adversity for her to deal with.  Clearly she wants to show that she is handi-capable instead of handicapped by riding without shoes, but have you considered that is why she ran into the curb?  Or was it because she was all hopped up on goofballs?  Regardless, it's equally as impressive that she is able to ride in her daisy-dukes.  Make sure she uses plenty of chamois creme applied directly to her saddle to avoid chafing.  I wonder, perhaps, if the reason she didn't like the tattoo is not the artwork itself, but rather the location that you chose to have it inked on your body.  You seem to be a fairly stout fellow, but I cannot tell if what I'm looking at is a thigh or an arm?  Either way, it's a wee bit pasty and ill-defined.  I'd try spending some more time on the bike and giving this tat's backdrop a little toning up.  By the way - her seat's too low.

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Dear PooBah:

My buddy and I just went to a Star Wars convention dressed as Storm Troopers.  We took our foldable bikes so that we could travel between the different booths at the expo center faster so as not to miss anything.  But while we were there, we hooked up with these two AMAZING ladies seen below.  I cannot believe how much they liked us!  It was the perfect trip, aside from us both losing our wallets the last day.  Anyway - our question: Do you believe in love at first sight? Thanks and MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

Sincerely,

Trooper #1138 and #1139

Dear Troopers:

Do you remember that scene in The Empire Strikes Back when Luke kissed Leia...and then later, when it was revealed that Darth Vader was their father and you suddenly realized that Luke was kissing on his sister?  Do you remember?  Ok - now picture you are Luke - only instead of Leia being your sister, she is actually a dirty hooker.  If I were you, I would unfold my speeder bikes and haul my Imperial asses down to the local health clinic and get a couple shots of penicilin and then spray your crotches down with Black Flag.  You never know what kind of Rebel Scum is lurking about the Outer Rim these days.

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Dear PooBah:

I'm a young, female, professional who is on the bike 9 to 5 for my job - so I absolutely HAVE to be comfortable.  Currently, though, my shoes are killing me!  I've developed hot spots under the balls of my feet and my arches are constantly being stressed.  I just don't feel like I have as much power transfer as what I need when I'm climbing.  Can you critique my current footwear and give me some recommendations?

Yours -

Polly

Dear Polly,

You have GOT to switch over to something with some carbon soles that are light, but simultaneously stiff.  I've attached a photo below of some new Sidi Genuis 6.6s in their Stripper-line.  They have a patented Heel Security system and an an instep-buckle that lets you tweak the fit on the fly....literally.  They also come with an adjustable satin band which will lock your heels down no matter how high up in the air they are.

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Dear PooBah-

My husband is a cycling enthusiast, a tinkerer and a cheapskate - not necessarily in that order.  He's been lusting over a dutch BikeFiets cargo bike for some time now but is just too cheap to buy one.  He took last week off of work and locked himself in the garage.  When he finally came out - this is what he was riding.  Is this thing safe?

Sincerely,

'Concerned My Husband is a Moron'

Concerned:

Easy does it now, let's not be too harsh on the guy.  He's showing his industriousness - that can't be a bad thing - right?  That said, there are a number of things concerning me in this photo that need to be addressed before we talk about the cartbike..  1)  He appears to be dangerously close to 'squirreling' (which we previously defined as riding perpendicularly across the road). 2) He is wearing flip-flops which are unhygienic and can lead to 'foot sag'.  3)I'm also not really crazy about the cargo shorts and windbreaker look he's got going on as if he's about to go sit on the back deck and sip a vodka gimlet and read his new copy of Golf Digest.  This machine he's built is dipping into the realm of alternative-cycle-construction, and as such, demands a certain dress code and lifestyle adaptation.  To further determine if he and his cartbike are up to specs in this department, I've sent your letter and photo over to my friend Chitty seen here.  Chitty is not currently employed but is hell on wheels with an acetylene torch and holds the east-Portland landspeed record for shotgunning a beer.

Ms. Concerned ~

Chitty here.  I'm really worried about your man's ride.  He made a decent crack at it - but I prefer sidemounting two forks and using full-sized wheels instead of using the cart's original little midget wheels.  He will never be able to generate any real speed on that thing and it will be bumpy as hell for you when you crawl into the basket.  But with a little modification - he's there.  Let me tell you guys - cartbikes make excellent rides to drag your drunk asses home from the bar.  Cheers!

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Dear PooBah,

I just wanted to write and thank you for the informative article entitled "What men want" regarding male genital security.  In celebration of one of the images you used in your post and my BF's junk - I bought myself a new pair of cycling shorts that I wanted to share with you and your readers.  Pedal On!

Yours -

Davida

Pedal on indeed!

Cycling Ink

In August, I read an article by Bike Snob NYC in Outside Magazine titled The Wildest Mountain-Bike Race on Earth which possessed the tag line, "Don't win if you don't want the tattoo."  Of course he was describing the Single Speed World Championships (SSWC).  Part masquerade, part drunk-fest, part serious mountain bike race, every year the winner of the event is awarded with not a jersey or trophy, but a mandatory tattoo.  While perusing cyclingnews.com, I was reminded of BSNYC's article when I saw a photo of this year's women's winner, Heather Irmiger, receiving her award last weekend in Durango.

There's something about injecting ink under the skin that raises, if not one's cycling prowess, certainly one's dedication, to a higher level.  Or at least it demonstrates that along with quad cramps, razor burn and searing taint pain, the average cyclist has a strange relationship with pain.  Obviously, some choose to take this to an intense level, like profession cyclist David Clinger.

In his defense, Clinger admits to being pretty high on cocaine when he stepped into the parlor and attempted to channel a Maori chief through his tattoos.  He's subsequently undergoing removal procedures.

In 2006, racer Josh Horowitz chronicled his own inking by fellow racer and 2006 Elite National Crit Champion, Kayle LeoGrande.  Josh had a hebrew passage scrawled around his right arm which reads "This too shall pass."  Does anyone else smell the faint aroma of irony?

Following this lead, one Portland native has decided to turn his body into a travelogue of chainring tattoos, acquiring a unique addition to mark each new place he visits.  Remarkable by midwestern standards, I'm guessing inked chainrings all over your body is standard fare for Portland?

I'm not sure, but I think this guy might also have a coincidental case of ringworm causing an usual non-toothed red chainring close to his armpit.

Of course, this wouldn't be a Missouri Cycling blog if I didn't post at least one Missouri cycling tattoo.  This beauty is owned by one Paul Denney of Queen City Cycles in Springfield, MO.

This is definitely my favorite, though.  Nothing says "I'm hardcore" like having multiple inked cyclists lifting their carbon steeds to the gods while emerging from your ass crack.

At least Clinger can blame his masterpiece on drugs.

Pedal on.