The "Big Message" just hit the fan...

Shit....I just woke up and stumbled to the computer.  Did I miss anything big?

Who would have thought that the LEAST bad thing that could happen to you if you were associated with Team RadioShack recently is being blown off your bike in a wind gust during a time trial and busting your sacrum, tearing your shorts and getting a big rasberry on your ass? 

If you don't know what I'm talking about - don't read any further, because you probably a) don't care, or b) don't want to hear anymore.  And, if you wanted to read the full USADA letter, you've probably already tracked it down yourself, but if not - here you go:  USADA letter secured by the Wall Street Journal.

Probably many of you are thinking - yeah yeah yeah, same "big message", different day.

But two things struck me in this letter as being relatively new, at least to me:

#1)  "This notice letter describes a portion of the evidence gathered by USADA in its investigation of potential doping on the United States Postal Service (USPS) (1996-2004), Discovery Channel (2205-2007), Astana (2009) and RadioShack (2010) cycling teams.  The witnesses to the conduct described in this letter include more than ten (10) cyclists as well as cycling team employees." (Page 2, paragraph 2.)

#2) "This action is being brought as as a single consolidated action because for a significant part of the periods from January 1, 1998, through the present, each of the Respondents has been part of a doping conspiracy involving team officials, employees, doctors, and elite cyclists of the United States Postal Service and Discovery Channel Cycling Teams who committed numerous violations of the Applicable Rules (the "USPS Conspiracy" or the "Conspiracy").   Because of the nature of the USPS Conspiracy, the fact that each of the Respondents actively participated together in a long running doping conspiracy and due to the close integration of the evidence against each of the Respondents as a described herein this proceeding is being brought as a consolidated case.  (Page 11, paragraphs 5 and 7.)

The specific doping products are then listed (pages 4 and 5)

1. Erythropoietin (EPO) also known as "E," "Po," "Edgar" or "Edgar Allen Poe,"
2. Blood transfusions
3. Testosterone
4. Human Growth Hormone (hGH)
5. Corticosteroids
6. Saline and plasma infusions

So I'm wondering firstly - who are the 10 cyclists?  I think it's safe to assume Hamilton, Landis and Andreu are numbers 1 through 3......but who are the others?  And this is the first time I've heard this referred to as a doping "conspiracy" per se.

And can we PLEASE stop pulling Eddie into this whole mess?  I mean, he did nothing wrong (other than marrying his 13 year old cousin - just so wrong....) so why do we have to keep dragging his name through the mud?

The Poe.

Regardless of how you feel about the subject, this case has the potential to change the face of cycling.  And triathlons as well, as Lance has been banned from competing in WTC triathlons while under investigation.  You know a bunch of NBC execs who thought they scored a money deal for signing on to televise forthcoming WTC Ironman competitions because of the Armstrong celebrity draw are doing the serious head smack right about now....

Everyone certainly has an opinion on the matter - and I can think of precious few who choose to avoid the topic altogether (maybe except for them).  And the naysayers out there are apt to tell us all "I told you so...." - the most blatant of which is probably going to be the Onion which reported on this way back in 2010!!

"I have to tell you something, but promise not to get mad, OK?"

And really - it was just a matter of time before this got created - but I didn't expect it would be so fast!

Defending your honour, losing your credibility

Does anyone know if the Floyd Fairness Fund is still accepting donations?  I'd like to send some money. 

Here's the letter Mr. Landis received last week from the UCI.

Uh-oh.  Pat and Hein-y have had their "honour" offended because Floyd accused the UCI of "protecting certain cyclists."

Fast forward to Feb 12.  UCI press officer Enrico Carpani says that they (the UCI) are "pleased" with the  Spanish Federation's Contador investigation and further notes, "It is not beneficial to cycling to see Contador crucified."  You remember the Spanish Federation - right?  They are the ones that just cleared Contador of doping charges despite the fact that he failed two tests for Clenbuterol in his system.  It's so nice to see the UCI protecting wishing the best for Contador.

Pat McQuaid giving the "award of obscene hand-gestures" to Bertie in recognition of his now copy-protected fingerbang salute.

Floyd has written the UCI's attorney, Rolf Ditesheim (the man in charge of preserving Pat and Hein-y's "honour") two responses:

Response #1:

Hello Mr Ditesheim'

I haven't heard from you in a few days and thought I'd drop you a note with a few things to ponder. I'd like you to please try to reconcile this (http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/carpani-says-uci-pleased-with-spanish-federations-handling-of-contador-case) with your threat of litigation in light of todays exoneration of Alberto Contador. I look forward to your explanation.

Thank You
Floyd Landis

And Response #2:

Dear Mr Ditzensheim,
I hope something has not happened to you (!) I have been looking forward to getting to know you good. I have copied Mr. Verbeast at the UCI because a year ago he sent me a similar email asking for some kind of retraction. I don't know what you want retractioned though(!!!).

And I am not living in Switzerland now though and maybe you have a colleague that you trust (and with his records!!!) that can represent me in my upcoming trial. If he can represent me for 500 Swiss Franks that would be GREAT (!!) because I am broke. (that would be 250 swiss franks up front!!!).

One other thing is I want to request that the trial be in Zurich in the summer because it is beautiful there but cold. If Zurich doesn't work possibly San Diego(?????). I live here!!

Thank You!
Floyd

This is a serious matter

(If you are wondering about all the odd (!!!s) and odder word choices in Floyd's response, I believe he's mocking Hein-y's writing style noted in a number of emails he sent to Floyd accusing him of being capable only of winning a yellow jersey in being a nuisance.)

---

At this point, I wish to stop and ask some questions to all those who have, like me, decided to waste far too much time following this saga.

1) Regarding "honour": Who actually sues somebody in order to protect their "honour" these days?  It's like some warped anachronistic medieval sentiment has suddenly sprung up in the midst of the soap opera - only instead of Pat and Hein-y challenging Floyd to a duel themselves, they've sent their briefcase-laden attorney/knight to fight in their stead.  I wonder if the letter also came with a virtual glove-slap across the face?

2) Regarding Contador:  Why isn't anyone testing the boy's hair?  Remember that it was the dark hair of 2008 Olympic silver medalist Dimitrij Ovtcharov which yielded a clean sample and thus provided the evidence that his positive Clenbuterol urine sample was likely from accidental ingestion.  If you didn't knowingly take Clenbuterol and recognized that your hair sample could exonerate you - wouldn't you willingly shave your entire head with the excitement of retaining your jersey and not being banned? (Ok - maybe not your entire head if you're Contador because he's got some scars up there - but at least one measely pointy sideburn. Shit, this investigation has gone on so long - Bertie could have grown an entire moustache and shaved it off to donate to the lab in his defense)

3) Regarding Contador #2:  What about the plasticizers found in Bertie's blood as reported by the NY Times in October?  The same plastic that is used to make transfusion bags was found in his blood at a level of 8 times over the limit during the 2010 Tour de France.

The UCI has now said that they will discuss the Spanish Federation's report with WADA and make a decision if they will appeal it or not - but what else could they say, especially considering the media's general sentiment on the issue of Bertie being cleared a farce.  As a spectator for the 2011 pro season, I think I'm going to be tuning my inner-cynic extra finely, unfortunately.  Cause this whole business is reading pretty damned high on the COMO CYCO Stink-O-Meter:

And if we didn't have Floyd publicly dropping trou' and pressing ham on the windshield of the UCI bus, who else would have the cajones to do it?  In some strange way, as a man with absolutely nothing else to lose, I think Floyd could be the person who could save professional cycling.

Muscles....flexed, blocked and tainted

It seems that the news of the cycling world is rife with talk of muscles, whether it is in reference to tainted meat ingested by Alberto Contador or this story printed yesterday that could have far reaching implictions within the world of professional cycling.  According to an article published in VeloNews, the cycling industry has a new muscle, and that muscle's name is Robbert de Kock.

Of course, the first question I had upon reading this article was exactly how would this newly discovered cycling 'Kock-muscle' be flexed?  Well, it seems that Robbert de Kock will lead an organizination called the WFSGI which will oversee standardization of bicycles manufactured and provided for bicycle racing, thus both ensuring safety standards are maintained and taking some of the guesswork out of what the UCI will and won't allow.  The very perceptive VeloNews reporter who wrote the piece posed the question of whether or not the UCI might attempt to Kock-block the WFSGI by delaying review of applications:

Undaunted, Robbert de Kock is proving to be a hard nut to crack, so to speak, and is pushing the UCI to ensure that they... "can realize and live up to their promise to have a guaranteed one-month reply for the drawings and two-month for the visual measuring process."

I would hope that two months would be ample time to visually measure any "applicant"....

But speaking of Kock-blocking, I stumbled upon some photographs of the Italian National Women's cycling team admonishing a crowd of onlookers when they were on stage at the World Championships in Geelong, Australia last September.  Is it just me - or does anyone else find the scarlet red color of the chamois panel on their bib shorts an odd choice?

The entire team raised their glove-covered hands in unison to the onlooking crowd which revealed letters spelling out the words "mart nago" which I believe is latin for "Stop looking at our brilliantly colored crotches!"

It kind of looks like a crotchal Valentine....which honestly is sending out some pretty mixed signals...

Certainly, the men's team must have worn the identical Castelli bibs - right?

Not so much.....

And in other news, cyclingnews is reporting that an additional test might help Alberto Contador to clear his name for testing positive for Clenbuterol, a drug that has been illicitly used to trim fat and build muscle in cows and people.

Interestingly, this article makes the claim that if one's hair is tested and found to be devoid of clenbuterol, then it is more likely that the illegal substance was accidentally ingested rather than purposely taken.  Although the article doesn't specify, I'm guessing the presence of the drug in one's hair indicates a more long-standing administration rather than an isolated incidence of accidental ingestion which can still result in positive urine samples.  Lucky for Contador, according to one German scientist, "Clenbuterol sticks at least 20 times better to dark hair than to blonde," thus making Bertie's black shock a ticket to his vindication to be sure.  So the burning question now is, will he willingly offer up a sample......

(I'm guessing one pointy-sideburn's worth would do it....)

....or will he tell everyone that he's actually a true blonde but just dyes his hair black, therefore they shouldn't even bother testing his hair....

(I don't think the rug matches the curtains....)

Actually an alter-ego for Bertie may not be a bad idea.  Word is, hair or no hair, he's about to enter into a year long period of solitude and reflection.....and will do it sans maillot jaune.  And now that he's about to enter the club, it seems that acquiring an alter-ego that can do the speaking for him is the next order of business.  After all, Armstrong now has 'Juan Pelota' to post semi-anonymous tweets for him:

And Landis has his dog Beazed (who was particularly outspoken regarding Bradley Wiggins' most recent interview.)

So why shouldn't Bertie assume an alter-ego to do his talking for him as well?  Maybe someone that could take the heat off....

"Hi, I'm Clenny the Cow....I'm tainted, but tasty"

Something's stinky...let's eat it.

I'm sure by now many of you have heard the big news of the day.  No, I'm not referring to the story citing evidence that Levi Leipheimer may have doped during his seventh place finish at the 2005 Tour de France.  I'm talking of the dog in Grand Rapids, Michigan that chewed off his owner's infected toe after the man had passed out from a margarita bender. 

Apparently the dog's owner Jerry Douthett had a long standing infection of his toe that continued to worsen to the point that neighborhood dogs actually came and sniffed at it like a piece of rotting garbage.  Despite his wife being a registered nurse, she apparently remained ignorant to the fact that she was sharing a bed with her husband's dead big toe and Jerry himself chose not to seek medical attention.  When he finally conceded that he needed to see a doctor, he decided to liquor himself up real good on "4 or5 beers and...two giant golden margaritas" after which he proceeded to pass out.  When he woke up, his dog, Kiko, was chewing on his toe like it was a greasy pig's ear.  Not surprisingly, Kiko's ingestion of the toe led to Jerry's hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of diabetes - a shock to them all....especially to his wife, THE REGISTERED NURSE.  So what does this all have to do with cycling you may ask?  Well, Jerry's blood glucose level was nearly as elevated as Leipheimer's "off-score" index.  An "off score" index is based on an equation considering both hemoglobin and reticulocytes (or young red blood cells).  Whereas a score of 85-95 is considered normal, a score of 133 or higher is evidence of doping.  Leipheimer's score was 132.8 according to Hans-Michel Holczer who was at the time, the team manager of Gerolsteiner, the team Levi raced for in 2005.  That year, Leipheimer finished 7th behind Lance Armstrong in the Tour and beat Jan Ulrich in the Tour of Germany.    I think I smell something else as stinky as Jerry Douthett's toe, and so did Holczer back in the day.  But unlike Kiko, he wasn't about to bite on it.

If we can gleen anything from the tale of Jerry's toe regarding the world of professional cycling, it's these two things. 

Lesson #1) Maybe dogs like Kiko could be trained to sniff doping agents like EPO and testosterone patches....however based on how Kiko tackled the sniffed toe condition, most of the pro peloton would have probably lost chunks of their nutsacks by now, as the scrotum apparently is the place of choice for testosterone patch application according to this site. 

(This dude better cut his nails before handling his boys, or else he's going to risk a nasty fingernail scratch....or maybe this is his girlfriend...in which case she has some serious man-hands.)

Lesson #2) Much like Jerry's wife, sometimes those closest to us know us least.  Take the recent announcements by both the Contador brothers and their new director sportif, Bjarne Riis.

Riis tells cyclingnews that he wants to be a part of Contador's goal in winning the grand tour triple crown: Giro, Tour and Vuelta: "Alberto's ambition is to win all three major stage races in the same year, and I want to be part of it."

Not 24 hours later, velonation reports that Bert and Fran believe there was something lost in translation for Riis...and that they have no intention of trying to win all three.

But, just as one's man trash is another's treasure, so too can one man's dead appendage be a meal for his dog.  Similarly, we the armchair cycling enthusiasts sit back and feast on all of the diseased shit being thrown our way, feeling oddly sated.  Which is more disturbing?