1) How will I paint my breasts to disguise my nipular areas while still demonstrating my toplessness?
2) How badly will my junk be battered on my road saddle?
3) Where will I stash my extra tube in case I flat?
The main objective of the Naked Bike Ride is of course to protest our nation's dependency on oil, but I hope those partaking in the festivities will remember that they ride naked in jest and have the choice of being clothed or not....but there are those cyclists who are forced to ride naked unwillingly....so try to be a little sensitive to their plight.
On to Friday Mail:
Dear PooBah,
I need your help. As a kid, I used to get my ass kicked all the time for no apparent reason, but I always expected it was because of the bike my folks bought for me. This traumatized me deeply such that even today, as I'm on the brink of purchasing a new bike, I'm worried about being ridiculed for it. Any advice?
Thanks
Richard F.
Richard,
I have some good news for you. You were NOT getting your ass kicked because of your bike....you were getting your ass kicked because your momma dressed you in diarrhea-brown Garanimals which you chose to pair with a Dick Tracy hat. So purchase your chosen bike with confidence, and by all means, wear the same outfit....because now it's retro-ironic. You will be the coolest middle-aged hipster in COMO.
Dear PooBah,
I just read a concerning article about how narrow bike seats can cause perineal and genital numbness. Therefore, I've decided to go with a slightly larger saddle that is advertised to provide more support. Can you take a look at my saddle and tell me if you think it is still too small?
Thank you!
Timothy T.
Tim,
If you go with anything larger, it could double as a helicopter landing pad.
Dear PooBah,
I'm trying to update my cycling wardrobe but am having difficulty deciding which new outfit to purchase. Can you give me some help? Which do you like better? A,B or C? Thanks!
Terry M.
Terry,
Definitely go with 'C'. Remember that red is the color the best shows off your inner champion.
Dear PooBah,
Bicycle racing seems to be expanding globally these days, with races occuring in as far flung places as Mongolia and Slovenia. Do you have any favorite exotic races that you would recommend we watch out for?
Krystle N.
Krystle,
Absolutely - the Tour of Cambodia....Instead of the Maillot Jaune or Maglia Rosa, the leader wears a tin foil hat and in place of the customary champagne toast for stage victories, daily winners are awarded raw water buffalo. The shit is epic.
Dear PooBah,
I love cycling, but also love to run. There is only so much time in the day, though, and I'm having trouble finding the time to partake in both. That's why I recently purchased a "RunBike." Now I can enjoy the best of both worlds in half the time!
Dave F.
Dave,
Wow, impressive machine. It kind of looks like a ballerina's tutu only with wheels. I also see that you've mounted it with a water bottle cage and a saddle bag. I wonder if you could also rig the frame up with a holster that could carry an extra large douchebag, in case the need ever arose?
Have a good weekend, everyone. Ride safe -
CCPB
Always inspiring.
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