Friday, October 16, 2009

Dear PooBah

For all those of us who at one time or another wished we lived in Bike-Mecca Portland, mother nature gave us a little taste this week of what it must be like. By Tuesday, my commuter cycling shoes were soaked through and growing mold and the COMO CYCO headquarters were starting to smell a little pungent - and it wasn't from my asiago cheese collection.  Luckily, the weather is supposed to improve slightly over the weekend in time for the 2009 BikeMO Fall Foliage Extravaganza ride hosted by the Missouri Bicycle Federation in Holt's Summit.  This is a fantastic ride and fundraiser for the federation that does so much in the way of promoting bicycle advocacy.  In case you were wondering about the course route and various options, the map they provide should make it very clear.

Coincidentally, the route this year bears a stricking similarity to the circuit board of a Garmin 705 edge cycling GPS unit which you may want to bring with you.

It's been a busy week so far and yesterday the entire COMO CYCO staff was supposed to be cleanig my bikes and then getting the bags and bags of reader mail sorted and organized for our weekly Dear PooBah segment.  But it seems everyone got captivated by watching some kind of homemade silver helium balloon fly across the state of Colorado.  By the time I got caught up with what was going on, the news was reporting that a six year old was in the thing and full schematic drawings of the improvised craft had been released labelling it the "runaway balloon".

The labels were particularly useful in this diagram denoting the scale of the craft when compared to the size of an average human shadow (who is for some reason giving the inverted middle finger with each hand) and also noting the location of an 'access flap' and 'foil top'.  I was curious as to the nature of the colorful label depicted on the left side of the otherwise colorless foil top - so had to zoom in and sharpen this part of the image to find out what it was, which I show you below.

Luckily, little Elroy wasn't in fact inside the aircraft, but was instead hiding in a cardboard box in the attic of the family home claiming he was scared because "Daddy yelled."  (I wonder what Daddy did after the news crews left and he was given the bill for 15 scrambled rescue crews and the diversion of all northbound flights in and out of the Denver International Airport for three hours).  Later, while being interviewed, the "balloon boy", vomited repeatedly, which MSNBC is reporting this morning.  Thank God for the 24 hour news cycle.  My take on the entire thing?  The kid probably doesn't own a bike.

But enough drama - on to the mail!

Dear PooBah,

Early last Saturday morning, I rolled over in bed to put my arm around my girlfriend, but she was nowhere to be found. The depression in the mattress where she had been lying was warm - so I knew she hadn't been gone long. I crawled out of bed and headed into the living room where I heard the sound of gnashing metal which sent chills down my spine. I reached for my digital camera and caught my girlfriend doing this (see below) to my brand new fixed gear bike. WTF???

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed:
Whoa. You've got some problems here, clearly. First of all - you guys need to do some SERIOUS laundry. I mean - that is quite the pile building up behind your GF. Secondly, your GF may want to consider giving up the bangs. I know it's kind of cool for the nerdy hipsters to sport - but she strikes me as being a little too cool for the coiffure. Anyway - to the matter at hand. It's always a disturbing sight to see the head tube of perfectly good fixie being chewed off. This reminds me of the public outcry that followed the antics of one Ozzy Osbourne when he got a little too chummy with bats. There are a couple of possible ways to explain your GF's behavior. First, she may have a disease known as 'fixophagia' - a rare condition causing an insatiable appetite for fixed gear bikes. Many hipsters suffer from this condition, but seem able to limit their hunger to practicing track stands in the hallways of their apartments and decorating the top tubes with bandanas. She, unfortunately, may have taken her craving a step too far. But honestly, you should hope this is the case versus the other possibility which is that she may be deeply jealous of your cycling obsession, and has thus committed 'cyclocide' by cannibalistic decapitation. If you don't want to dump her over this, you can try to put a positive spin on the whole situation by using this as an excuse to upgrade from the half-eaten Scattante to a Bianchi Pista.  But if you do - you better keep it hidden from her.  By the way - your seat is too low.

Dear PooBah,
I'm scared to death to ride my bike to class, because I will have to park it outside, and I don't want it to be stolen. I've investigated some different locking techniques and am currently locking it up this way.  I just wanted to run this by you to see if you think this method would provide enough security.


Nice use of the orgy-style Kryptonite U-locking system. The art of this technique is to apply the U-locks in a massive cluster all over one another in a rapturous array like an ancient Roman feast, thus overwhelming the senses of the would-be thief. Typically, however, this methodology is really only required for Bianchis or Colnagos. Application of this locking system for your Dick's Sporting Good's Huffy ride is like Ann Coulter thinking she needs to wear a chastity belt.  By the way - your seat is too low.

Dear PooBah:
I recently applied for a new job in public relations. Being an avid bike commuter, I decided to ride to my job interview on my bike. When my prospective employers saw me ride up, they gave me a very disdainful look. The interview went horribly and I didn't get the job. I think I may have been the victim of bike discrimination. What do you think I should do?

Yours -
Fixie Fiend


I'm worried that the outcome of your interview had less to do with you mode of transportation and more to do with how you were dressed. Word of advice: color symbolism in your style of dress is VERY important, and one should always wear at least one item of red clothing on a first interview.  Red is the color of power or passion, and it will demonstrate your confidence and zeal.  You chose to wear purple, which although complimented your green shoes, symbolizes royalty.  This may have resulted in you appearing smug, which as we discussed earlier in the week, can be a dangerous thing.  By the way, your seat is too low.

That's all from here, kids - Happy Friday!

Pedal on!

1 comment:

  1. I love these photos and letters!! They definitely keep me laughing. Hey, the sun just came out! Thanks.