Friday, October 30, 2009

Dear PooBah: Halloween Special!

Well, I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone that tomorrow is the big day - the Halloween MidMO Bike Ride to Rocheport and Monster Bash!  All the cool kids are going to be there with their bikes, so don't be left behind.  The festivities start at 9:00 AM at FlatBranch park and continue directly onto the MKT from there.  Come on out and get your freak on.

And, because it's Friday - it's time for another installment of Reader Mail.  So let's jump in:

Dear PooBah- 
I have been a long time reader, and admit to being occasionally 'put off' by some of your crude jokes.  Up until last week, I just chalked it up to juvenile shenanigans. 
But the photo in your most recent post of the woman wearing a bra made out of bacon was just too much. And now I'm left wondering if you're trying to "jump the shark" because no one is reading.  Well, I for one disapprove. There is nothing amusing about a woman wrapping her bosoms in such an unhealthy food.

Ms. Hillshire

Dear Ms. Hillshire:
I'm very sorry if I offended you.  First of all, I should clarify that the picture wasn't of a bacon bra - but rather a bacon-kini.  As you well know, women's swimwear has become more revealing over the years, which is really out of my control.  But what you may not know is that women have been using bacon to swim in for years.  In fact, I found this picture of my Aunt Polly taken in 1976 in a bacon bathing suit...and as you can see, the suits back then were just a lot more conservative:

Dear PooBah,
I read one of your recent posts which quoted a guy on CraigsList complaining that all the women out there are into guys who ride fixies these days.  So I went out and bought myself one, and posed on it in my living room for my new MySpace profile photo.  Can you tell me if you think this will help me get a date?  Thanks!

Mr. Pink

Wow - well done.  I cannot tell what I'm more fond of - the tattoo of a pistol on your hip, your ability to trackstand in your bare feet or the way you photoshopped bags of your favorite junk food dancing around you.  I tell you, if trackstanding in you pink tighty-whities with a bag of Funyuns doesn't bring the chicks, I'm not sure what else could.  Good luck!

Dear PooBah,
I've heard that spoke cards are the hippest way to personalize your fixie, but have noticed that all the cards are these tiny, boring squares of cardboard with designs that aren't legible from more than 3 feet away.  I thought I would go for a bigger card that would really let people know who I am!  Do you think  I went too far?


Dear Herp:
I think I can safely say that you have taken the entire spoke card art genre to a new level.  Not only does this card tell everyone that you have a fascination with large, naked mulleted men that enjoy snake wrestling, but you've also merged the conventional spoke card with the classic time trial disk-wheel.  Just remember - with a spoke card like this - you need to be careful in windy conditions and around male-strip clubs.  Either may make your bike really hard to handle.

Dear PooBah,
I'm troubled by your liberal use of the term "douche" and its derivatives ("douchebag, doucheriffic").  Not only is it demeaning to what is a necessary feminine hygiene product, but it is a unitless measurement. In other words, how would something mildly douchey be distinguished from something truly douche-tastic?

M.  Assengill

Dear M,
You are quite right - I should have expounded on the entire use of the term "douche" long ago.  You may be surprised to know that the 'douche-level' of something actually can be measured in units called 'LCUs' which stands for 'Lance Celebrity Units' and is represented by those celebrities LA befriends.  I hope this visual scale will be of some help:

Mildly Douchey = 1 LCU

Doucherrific = 2 LCUs

Completely Douchetastic = 3 LCUs

Hors Categorie

Dear PooBah:
Long-time reader, first-time writing to you.  I'm thinking of leaving my boyfriend...he's a professional cyclist but doesn't float my boat anymore.  How serious are you and this COMO CYCO GEEC you speak of?  Maybe you could give me a ride sometime?  

Yours truly,
P.S. I love bacon!

I'm flattered, really,  But it looks like you've got a great guy there.  I mean - he's got the perfect bike to get you around...and you clearly are beneficial for his training.  He may not float your boat - but he's willing to spin your crank...and he's obviously not taking it lightly.

Dear PooBah
I'm totally stoked about the MidMo BRR!  What do you think of my costume?  Can you tell who I'm supposed to be?

Miss chain-RING.

Great costume!  You absolutely look like you should be living at the bottom of a well.  Just one thing - seat's too low.

Hey PooBah:
Just thought I'd give your readers a tip.  All this "cargo-bike" stuff is nonesense.  I haul sheets of plywood from Home Depot all the time on a regular old bike - I just get my kid to help me.  Check it out!
#1 Dad

Yup - I think you're definitely on to something there.  And I'm particularly happy to see that you have your child in both a safety bike seat and a helmet.  You are, indeed, a #1 Dad.

Happy Friday and Happy Halloween everyone!  See you all on the trail tomorrow!

Pedal On!

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