Adult Males, Vibrations and Douchebags, Oh My!!!

While perusing the COMO/Jeff City Craigslist last night for some bike parts for a friend, I stumbled upon this post under the "Wanted" section:

"Looking for an adult male bicycle."

Although it may surprise some, I've suspected for years that many cyclists ascribe a particular gender to their bikes, much like they do to their cars, or boats.  My own road bike actually started out as a woman, but then went through a sex change sometime last year.  No longer sleek and sexy, he has become creaky and groans a lot like an old man that gets up 3 times every night to take a leak.    What can I say - we walk the same path.  But feeling helpful, I've actually gone in search of an adult male bicycle for the craigslist poster above and hopefully have come up with something he may find of use.

I would contend that a bicycle cannot get any more adult and male than being a sperm bike.

Yes, travel with me dear reader to Copenhagen, where the sperm bike (translated in Danish to "Sperm Bullit") is the preferred way of transporting "deposits" made at Capenhagen's Nordisk Cryobank.  Fully loaded, the bike weighs 50kg (about 23 lbs).  That's a lot of deposits.

When not in use for transporting sperm, the liquid nitrogen tank can also cool your beer in less than 2 seconds. 

In other news, you may wonder what everyone's favorite boy racer Mark "the Manx Missile" Cavendouche is doing in this recently uncovered photograph which captures him in semi-crouched position, with an intent look on his face:

And if you said that he was practicing his sprint-shit posture before the world championships, you would only be partially correct.  In actuality, he is testing out a vibration plate called the Galileo Vibraflex, that provides whole body vibration which, according to the plate's manufacturer, can be "used in strength training, stretching and recovery."  No telling how long the Doucher actually had to stand on the plate to get his money - but I'm guessing just long enough for the company rep to snap the photo.  NYC Velocity reporter Andy Shen gives the lowdown on the machine and provides a video of that same squat-shit positioning of a cyclist on the trainer:

Curious, I checked out the manufacturer's website, "Amplitude Vibration Studio" and found some other photos of how this little number can be used....

There's the Single Leg Lunge:

The Back Stretch

And my personal favorite, The Bridge.

Wisely, the folks in charge of marketing did not post photos of Cavendouche performing the Bridge on their website.

And in final news today, we get to start playing the new guessing game, "Where will Jensie go?"  With the newly formed Cougar-Shack squad only having room for 30 cyclists, financial backer Flavio Becca has gone on record:

"Becca made it clear that the new team would consist largely of current Leopard riders.  He indicated that of the 25 riders now on the team, the five whose contracts expire at the end of the year would leave......Those five riders are Jens Voigt, Martin Pedersen, Bruno Pires, Thomas Rohregger and Stuart O'Grady.  The latter has already announced that he will ride for the new GreenEdge team next year."

Wow, Bruyneel and Becca have got to be even more stupid than what I originally gave them credit for.  They are going to let go of one of the most loyal teammates to the FrAndy twins and arguably the most popular and hard-working cyclist in the pro peloton?

"Pssst, Andy.....watch while I lift left cheek and float air-biscuit onto Mercedes Benz representative sitting behind me.  Heheh - he will not be amused, eh?"

I have a feeling this ass-clown hasn't even realized his full potential yet.  And with the combined power of the Hog, this duo could be merging itself into the perfect storm of douchebaggery for next year.

Valentine's Day comes early!

Walking to work today, I nearly stepped in a large pile of feces of unknown origin that was lying in the middle of the sidewalk.  I'm guessing that it came from a dog, but one can never be really sure when one lives in a University town.  If it was of canine origin, I can't say that I blame the dog for dropping a deuce in the middle of the sidewalk considering all the frozen snow that is covering the grass.  I, for one, had to actually shovel a "shit-trench" for the COMO CYCO dog in my front yard because without it, every time he would hunker up to pinch off a loaf, the cold snow would hit him in the winky and he would pucker back up and end up not going at all.  Thus, over the course of last week's Snowpocalypse, he became packed like a musket.  Anway - back to me and the turd I encountered this morning.  As I dodged the pile, something about it caught my eye.  It had already been stepped on judging by its squished appearance, and thus is probably giving somebody's office a lovely aroma right about now.  But the way it had been stepped on gave it a certain shape and form that was recognizable.  I walked around the other side of the flattened turd and immediately identified the shape.

A frozen, heart-shaped turd.

In some cosmic sense, it seems that life was trying to give me an early Valentine's Day present this morning.  And it struck me then that whereas some say every cloud has a silver lining, so too is every piece of shit moldable into a shape that may give it some redeeming quality.  That is, unless you are a CERA-doping, pregnant fiance-dumping, Aldo Sassi betraying, sour-blood-infusing, reptilian-nick-naming cyclist like Riccardo Ricco.  Especially in the eyes of Mark Cavendish who has some very pointed words for Mr. Ricco today in response to the most recent allegations:

In a cyclingnews video interview, Cavendish says of Riccardo Ricco, "I hope he does recover well, but I really hope he becomes someone's bitch in prison."

Well if he does become someone's "prison bitch" let's hope he learns how to use the mini-fridge in their cell a lot better than what he did at home, or Ricco and Tyrone are going to be drinking some pretty chunky milk.

Interestingly, I noticed that MSNBC was running the Ricco story on their front page yesterday.  It seems that professional cycling has finally made mainstream news through stories of doping only.  That's not exactly a glowing endorsement for the sport we love.  But as stinky as some shit can be, regardless of its heart-shaped form, others more local are finding the sweet, sweet smell in their bicycles.  Take this post I found in craigslist this morning:  (By the way - that's what is called a smooth segue folks....)

 "Bike is in excellent condition, tires still smell brand new."

Is there anything as aromatic as the smell of new bicycle tires?  I imagine the workers in the Vittoria factory walk around in a near-orgasmic state all day, enjoying the smell of their hard labor.

OK - maybe not.  By the way - did you know Vittoria tires are actually made in Bangkok?  So much for my impression that each Vittoria was hand-made by some ancient Italian man named Vincenzo....still, I wonder if this Thai gentlemen wears that protective mask to prevent from getting sexually aroused?

And while we're on the topic of craigslist postings and being sexually aroused, I thought I should help a young woman out who was left stranded at the Blue Fugue a couple weeks ago by a ginger-cyclist.

"At the Blue Fugue on Saturday night....had a few friends tell me you were checking me out, but I doubt it.  But I wanted to say (you, redhead, kinda tall) you are very hot and I found myself wanting to talk to you but couldn't muster up the guts, so I waited for you to talk to me.  I am shy.  I saw you ride away on your bike and was a little sad.  If you felt a "connection," tell me what I was wearing and if you found me at all attractive.  I normally don't do this kind of thing, so even if you never read this....I enjoyed looking at you throughout the night. :)"

I just have to say that if you are a red-headed male cyclist in this town, and you are reading this, you need to hit this girl up!  I mean seriously - how many chances are you going to get?  1) You are a redhead.  2) You ride a bike!  The combined impact of these two elements has got you pretty low on the social pecking order.  Even if you weren't at the Blue Fugue that night, she was probably too drunk to remember exactly what you look like anyway - so go for it!  (And let me know how it turns out, please).

I'm beginning to feel all cupid-like suddenly, both with my aforementioned Valentine-turd and by posting this bike-related missed connection here, so I thought I would post another one I found, although it's not bike-related.

"I saw you downtown and was stricken by your hulking beauty - you had both arms fully extended from your nikon cargo vest and in your hands was a camera that you were motordriving at full speed at any and all passersby.  I thought about calling the cops until I saw the chipotle burrito you were clutching....we're clearly soulmates.  Was that another burrito in your pants or did you feel it too?"

Yes indeed, the smell of fresh tires is in the air, and pants-burritos are being clutched.  Everyone must be sensing the warm weather that is just around the corner.  With temps projected to be in the 40's and 50's this weekend, it is seriously making me consider buying this to cruise about town in:

"This one-of-a-kind vehicle seats up to five people and can be pedaled by one or two in front.....It was also photographed with my family in a 2004 issue of People Magazine!"

It is sad to see the famous St. Louis Rickshaw go out of business, but seriously, how many opportunities will I have to buy a bike (or bike-like-thing) that was featured in People Magazine...and for a cool 2 Gs as well?  I would look so good sitting in the back of this thing while the COMO GEEC pedaled me around.  Just thinking about it makes me want to sniff a tire and clutch my burrito.

Looking for love in all the wrong places...and rodents.

Last Friday, in place of the typical installment of Reader Mail, I posted some vintage bicycle advertisements.  One of which was quite peculiar and brought about some well-posed questions by reader "LastDog".  I've cropped and enlarged the portion of the photo "LastDog" was wondering about:

For some reason, adjacent to the photograph of the shirtless, leering man holding an umbrella for a scarved women with a busy right hand, are listed the childrens' bicycles....(the French translation for 'children' is 'infants who are compact.')  As if this hadn't amped up the creepy factor enough, one such bike model is apparently named the 'Hamster' which apparently only comes in a non-pliant version. 

What can one do with a non-pliant hamster, I have to ask myself....but as soon as I asked, cyclingnews had answered by publishing this picture of Allesandro Petacchi winning the Wolvertom-Meise post-Tour criterium.

Either Petacchi has a non-pliant hamster stuffed in his bib-shorts, or he was just really happy to get to share the podium with Miss Coast Belgium.

But certainly, this is understandable....bikes and love fit together like a hand in a glove, or a hamster in the chamois....take this "Missed Encounters" posting I found on Craigslist written by a guy who is longing for a special woman named 'Gale.'

for gale - m4w - 26 (downtown columbiat)

in the past week, i have seen you riding your bike, killing your beer in maybe 3 seconds, and explaining in a lot of detail how an m16 works.  and you did all of these things while wearing a very fancy dress.  hot damn, girl, this might be love.

Yes, I can think of few things more alluring about a woman than the ability to shotgun a beer and discuss the finer points of automatic firearm operation while riding a bike in a fancy dress.  Certainly, Gale must be able to appreciate a good, well-made bike, so as I perused craigslist further, I couldn't help but wonder if it was she that posted this bicycle for sale.

Vintage Women's Cruiser - $60 (columbia)

I bought a vintage women's cruiser (Free Spirit) a few months ago, but I never really rode it.  It's from the late 70's, early 80's, in pretty good condition.  It's made from one solid piece of metal, so it was built with dependability in mind.  There are a few dings and scratches and the chain should probably be replaced in the near future.  The basket is also a little dented.

It's a great, comfortable bike for commuting downtown or in the neighborhood.

You can pick it up or I can drop it off almost anytime.

Yeah.  I'm aware the pic is upside down.*

 *Acutal bike is not upside down.

I think it's fortunate that this bicycle adheres to the laws of physics, and rides on the ground versus the ceiling because if there is one thing less pliant than a compact infant's French hamster, I'm sure it's a Free Spirit made from one solid piece of metal, and while $60 sounds like a bargain, it might not be if it came crashing down on your head, unexpectantly.  But speaking of how much fun a non-pliant hamster might be, I stumbled upon this request for companionship also on craigslist:

Please help! (Columbia/Moberly)

My girlf friend and I need to find a woman to have fun in the bedroom.  Her 5'5" brown hair 110lb. Clean shaven.  Him 6'2" 265 lb.  Long blonde hair blue eyes 6" cut, clean bike.  Both gifted orally.  You, close within 30 lb of her.  Put love to lick in the subject line. 

I personally find it refreshing that the gentleman in this ad chooses to describe his girlfriend by her groinal grooming habits while he prefers to define himself by the cleanliness of his bicycle.  I ask you reader, what does the status of your bicycle's hygiene say about you?  At any rate, I'm tempted to try to play matchmaker and introduce this fun-loving couple to Gale....word on the street is, she knows how to hold her liquor and her guns while riding.....I just hope they don't either lick or shave any small rodents...pliant or otherwise.

Spring lust: brakes, nipples and greed!

I'm sure most of you are enjoying the amazing spring weather that has come to COMO every bit as much as I have lately.  Long stretches of sun-drenched pavement through the countryside beckon to us as we sit in our offices.  If you are headed along a southern route, brace yourself for gale force winds and the sound of air buffeting off of your eardrums....but if you have chosen a northern route, your ride will be greeted by the chirping of song birds and frogs, singing the gleeful songs of love.  Yes, spring is in the air, and brought with it the sweet, dulcet notes of horniness to animals and cyclists alike. One need look no further than the recent flurry of "Missed Connection" notices on craigslist to prove it.

"On my way to pick up some groceries today, I saw you after your bike ride.  You had a purple shirt on.  Just wanted to let you know that you had a fantastic body.  Great motivation to continue working out."

Honestly, who amongst us wouldn't like to hear that we look fine in our purple cycling jerseys, and I imagine if the lucky woman in this post discovered this complement on craigslist, she was likely flattered.  Then there is this one...

"Here goes nothing.....i passed you today, going in different directions, in front of memorial hall, you gave me a cute smile and we made eyes for a good while.  if you think this is you, feel free to reply, we were both on road bikes, mine is an interesting color, if you have an idea, tell me what color."

This cyclist is playing the coy game of making his object of desire try to guess the "interesting color" of his road bike.  What is fascinating is that both of these CL posts illustrate how cyclists, like many species of animal, like to use colorful displays, whether it be plumage, or jersey color, to attract those that might be looking.  Take Rinaldo Nocentini and the common North American Bluebird.  Say what you will, but the color seems to be working....

Thus, I wasn't that surprised when I stumbled upon this colorful bike downtown the other day.

What could be more "springy" then a brilliant kelly green fixie complete with deep-V rims?  I could also not help but notice that this particularly flamboyant bicycle was making no attempt to conceal its brazenly red anodised nipples.

I was also fairly intrigued to notice that this particular fixie was also sporting some brakes.  I decided to move in for a closer look.

Despite this Faggin Fixie having some rather nice Shimano Ultegra brakes, there was no cable attached to them.  I had to ponder on this awhile, but now I fear this might signal a new fixie trend.  Past might be the days when brakes were simply seen as interfering with the clean lines or the purity of the ride associated with the nu-fixed gear bike, and were thus removed.  Perhaps some looked at the brakeless fixie rider as being an individual without the financial resources to actually afford brakes.  And although the classic nu-fixie rider likes to appear penniless, rarely is the case.  Thus, in a new demonstration of plumage display, I wonder if we will see an emerging trend of fixies decorated with non-functioning high-end components to ensure onlookers that yes, they can afford them, they just choose not use them.  What could be next? Fixies with Campy Super Record carbon derailleurs?  Really, what is the difference between this and those animals who possess entirely useless vestigial structures but yet retain them merely for sexual display, such as the male peacock's tail, or Filipo Pozzato's nipples.

That said, all of these things are used as part of the game of attracting a mate, whether you be an animal, Fillipo Pozzato or a cyclist.  And notice I used the singular form of the word "mate."  Because in the warmth of a beautiful spring day, some have the tendency to get greedy.

"Random encounter with ice cream eating unicyclist - 28 (Yogurt shop w/Ice cream).  Met you four girls at the yogurt shop, we talked for a really long time, but never exchanged contact info!  I am remiss.  I had hoped to catch up with you soon at some future date, email me if you catch this."

Clearly, this guy is compensating for the fact that he only has one good wheel to ride on by trying to land four girls simultaneously.....I have it on good authority that when frogs get really worked up in springtime, they will also try this rather gluttonous behavior....it never ends well. 

What starts out as fun and games always leave someone losing a flipper.  Ladies, beware of the yogurt-eating, polygamous unicyclist...especially if his unicycle is sporting a Dura Ace electronic groupset and red aluminum nipples.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

The feeling of desperation is no stranger to cyclists no matter what little clique you fall within.  Trying to get to work on time and flatting, being dropped without the strength to hang on, experiencing a double puncture when you only have one tube, bonking hard on a group ride, or trying to maintain a cycling blog that will appeal to a mass of hypercritical gear junkies that typically overanalyze every mile they ride, let alone every cycling word they choose to read.  Thus, today I bring you stories of cycling desperation.

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First, a Craigslist tale of two loves separated by a thief in the night in three Acts.

Act I: "I yelled "get the fuck off my bike!!!"

"as you rode away on my best friend, there I was, innocently receiving the sweetest kisses amongst the clover, only to realize it was just the precursor to one of the most heart-wrenching good byes i have ever had to make..." writes a forsaken cyclist from Toronto.  She continues, "...it is my love, my meditation, my physical well-being, and so fucking sexy.  i need it.  i need it back more than anything. so please, if you stole my bike to trade it for crack, stop!"

Act II: Guilt and Neglect

"I know that the spokes are rusty. i know that the chain is dirty.  i know that it APPEARS as though I have neglected it, but I think that my bike is perfect as is.  so stop.  put your wrench down!  give me back my bike."

Act III: Making Deals

"i will s yer d. i will show my beautiful breasts.  i will do anything!  Give it back! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE"

I ask you - after reading the pleas of this desperate women, who amongst us didn't just look over at our forlorned bike parked in our living room, or in our office or chained to the rack outside and want to go give her a bath and maybe, if no one is looking, a little peck on the head tube?

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Next, a desperate man in San Fran living in a sea of cyclist-loving women: again, in three Acts.

Act I: Guys without Bikes

"I peruse the CL MC (missed connections) on the man end over here and I have to say, is there any love for a guy NOT on a bike? It's often the only identifying factor left to describe the man with whom you ladeis are so smitten.

You: Red road bike with clipless pedals. Me: Cute brunette...etc"

Act II: Plausible Scenario

"I'm just waiting for the ad that says, "You slammed into me from behind, knocking my coffee onto my boss and my laptop onto the ground which now has a cracked screen - I don't know if I'll be able to get my work off of it yet - and then you rode off kicking up gravel into my face as I sank prostrate on my knees behind you trying to recover myself.  You had the most amazing red fixed-wheel bike that zipped in and out of traffic, causing a minor accident in which a woman rear-ended an elderly man who still had the reflexes to stop before hitting you.  If you want to get coffee, I'd love to meet you!"

Act III: Making Deals

"I suppose I'm just hating.  It's the Bay Area and that seems to be what you ladies are into.  Just tell me, do I need to actually ride the bike or can I just carry it around so I can get noticed?  Because I'm willing.  Don't doubt it."

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Our final story told in two brief Acts comes from the directeur sportif of Garmin Slipstream, Jonathan Vaughters told via Twitter during the Paris-Tours race which sprinter Tyler Farrar was favored to win.

Act I:  The greatest pants.  Ever.

Act II: Need better pants.

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Remember kids, MidMO BRR is in 4 days...do you have your costume ready? I've been asked a lot about what my costume is going to be.  Well - my costume has been selected due to my concerns over all this bad weather we're having.  Talk about desperation.  We need some sunshine on Saturday in a big, big way - and I'm hoping my costume will evoke that.  So as I said, desperate times call for desperate measures.  I tried it on last night and had the CC GEEC capture a brief video of me in action.  I've decided to show you all - so that everyone can recognize me hopefully bringing the sunshine behind all this rain on Saturday.  But everyone needs to help me by thinking this phrase:  "Rainbows, bitches....Rainbows"

Pedal on!