Over the hill: The indignity of artisitic remembrance

How do you know when you are over the proverbial hill?  A question we all ponder eventually.  For some, the hill comes before it was intended.  Take Michael Ball's artistic cycling team concept of Rock Racing.  Despite their slogan of "Rock's Not Dead!", Rock Racing certainly has one foot and a couple of toes in the grave.  Beyond their recent difficulties in getting licenses and paying their cyclists, the death knell came on their website this morning which is announcing the sale of multiple Rock Racing apparel lines at reduced costs in some attempt of liquidation.  Probably the best deal there is the Rock Racing speedo, called the "Hyman" which comes in colors of "Black and Juice".

Get 'em while they're hot, because at the low, low price of $25 with free shipping, they shant last long.

But what one may consider heading "over the hill", another may just call "demonstrating longevity".  Such is the case of Lance Armstrong from whom some exciting news came yesterday.  Yes, he has decided to race in the 101st edition of Milan-San Remo on Saturday, but the more exciting news to which I'm referring is his new found place in the world of art.  As many Lanc-ophiles know, Mr. Armstrong is a great follower of art, and now he has actually become a part of it, thus further immortalizing his legend.  The work I'm referring to is a piece commissioned by Lance's former coach, Chris Carmichael for his Carmichael Training Systems Center headquarters painted by artist Kathleen King.  Requesting an enormous mural, the original concept of the painting as conceived by King, was to celebrate the entire history of the Tour de France, featuring the 8 most successful riders: Lance Armstrong, Jacques Anquetil, Eddy Merckx, Bernard Hinault, Miguel Indurain, Phillippe Thys, Louison Bobet and Greg Lemond.  The completed work didn't end up quite as conceived by Ms. King, however. 

Yes, Lance would be featured front and center and very large...(despite looking a little like Carl the janitor from The Breakfast Club.)

But LeMond would end up not among the 'great 8' as originally intended.  He still made it onto the canvas, albeit a little bit lower and smaller in the work....To be more specific, as a scribble located due south of Miguel Indurain's taint.

According to the artist....

"For the original design I had naturally selected the one rider who has won seven times: Lance Armstrong, the four riders who won 5 times: Jacques Anquetil; Eddy Merckx; Bernard Hinault and Miguel Indurain, and the 3 who won the Tour three times: Philippe Thys; Louison Bobet; and Greg Lemond. My client, Chris Carmichael preferred a different approach. I knew that there was some conflict between Lemond and the Carmichael /Armstrong camp based on Lemond's very public verbal attacks of Armstrong during several press conferences but I wasn't aware of how intense the feelings were surrounding those events......While I think the way Lemond has chosen to air his beliefs is counterproductive and reflects poorly on him it saddened me that personal animosities ran so deep that it would affect the composition in a way that diminished Lemond's importance in the Tour's history. But people are human and ultimately the mural hangs in Chris' office where he comes to work every day. So I can't say I blame him......Greg Lemond is in profile in the peloton below the profile (and large figure) of Miguel Indurain, above Stephen Roche, ahead of Pedro Delgado and Bernard Hinault, behind Bjarne Riis, Jan Ulrich and Lance Armstrong. I exaggerated Greg's fluffy blond curls and wide eyes and rather 'boyish' appearance."

Such is in the indignity of falling out of favor with the peloton.....if you are Greg LeMond, you end up being remember as a scribble below a Spaniard's ass, and if you are Floyd Landis, you end up blurred out and wheelsucking a waxed Lance at Madame Tussauds...

 

I think there is probably a lesson to be learned here, but for the life of me, I cannot think what that would be... I may be too consumed with how comfy my new Black and Juice Hyman Hotpants feel to think clearly, though.

 

The comeback....a trail of three tales

A couple of weeks ago we discussed the recent disappointing results of French cyclists, especially in the Tour de France.  I speculated the reason for this to be multifactorial and upon closer inspection, to be due to the following:

Yesterday, CyclingNews released a story related to the recent French mediocrity offering a further explanation of the decline.

The article highlights that French performance is on the rise both in 2009 and especially now, in the early season of 2010 in which French cyclists are winning more than those riders of any other country.  These positive changes have been attributed to several things, but among them says Eric Boyer, general manager of Cofidis, has been the increasing ability for the French to learn how to read, which apparently, until recently, only Anglo-Saxons possessed:

"We, the French teams, only started working with tools like the SRM [power meters] four or five years ago, when other nations, notably the Anglo-Saxons, understood their worth long before us.  But it's not enough just to possess these tools; you also have to  put into place a structure to use them.  To work with the SRM implies the knowledge to read its data...."

Perhaps I assume too much, but are we to gather that until recently, the French adorned their bikes with power meters as decorative acoutrements only, until suddenly one of them said, "Mon DIEU!  Zere are little nombres on ze little screen which may help us to defeat ze slimy pig dogs, ze Saxons!"  As we all know, the French and the Saxons have been sparring since the dark ages, so who's to say the Saxons weren't sending the French SRMs with tampered monitors to begin with?

The French aren't the only ones struggling to make a comeback.  Michale Ball's Rock Racing continues it's downward spiral.  Between last year and this year, the UCI has denied his application for Rock Racing to become first, a Pro Continental squad, second a Continental squad and most recently a Mexican continental squad.  This caused potential signee Floyd Landis to bail with Fast Freddy Rodriguez, forced Jose Gutierrez into retirement and left former elite cyclists Patrick McCarthy and Tony Cruz without jobs.  So where is Rock now?  According to Ball in this recent interview:

Sweet.  Nothing like lining up next to Francisco Mancebo, Oscar Sevilla and Victor Hugo Pena at the Tour of Hermann. 

Lastly, most are aware that we are in the midst of the Paris-Nice multi-day stage race currently.  Sunday was the prologue time trial which found many of the leading cyclists duking it out.  Much to the surprise of everyone, Dutch cyclocross phenom Lars Boom dropped the hammer and took the opening event with an impressive time.  Contador, wearing the Spanish TT champion's colors, came in 4th and took some heat  - especially from the Italian press as seen in the Gazetta della Sporta.

Not only did he lag behind the leaders during the time trial, but he's spent the last two days picking himself off the pavement in the closing miles of each stage being caught at the back of the peloton without team support and involved in crashes.  It's rare for Contador to find himself in the position of having to mount a comeback, but he's ridden without much in the way of team support for two years now, so he will likely rally amazingly well.  And this is an important lesson when making a comeback and feeling like you are on your own.  You have to remain true to yourself and be the cyclists you need to be.....like this guy.

Pedal on!

Validation: Of chicks, bikes and bowling

Yesterday we discussed one way in which professional cyclists mark their success by personalizing their bikes and gear.  But how is success marked by bloggers?  Initially I thought I had achieved some measure of success by the gradual waning of the hate mail......but then realized a new level of achievement when I received a case of free pomegranate juice.  But early this morning, I discovered another accolade that had been bestowed upon me for which I feel largely undeserving.  Those that choose to waste time reading this blog instead of doing far more productive things (like cutting their toenails or organizing their sock drawers) know that upon occasion, I put a photograph of a scantily clad woman with a bicycle on the pages within.  Such has been the inspiration from a gratuitous site called Chicks and Bikes, which features photographs of a subject matter one can guess from the title that may or may not be safe for work, depending on the day. 

And as can be seen from the example above, the photographs on any given day may be more about the 'chicks' and less about the 'bikes' as one has to look with some effort to see the partial shadow of a bicycle on the pavement alonside these lovely ladies in this particular shot.

As I arrived at my place of work this morning, I started the day with my typical routine....try to dodge the plucky phone operator who always wants to chat with me, switch the mail in several co-workers mailboxes, activate the autoreply function of my email to let everyone know I will be in a meeting from 7:00 to 8:00, create a fictious excel spread sheet to consume my monitor and then open up Chicks and Bikes in a window that can be easily concealed by said spread sheet at a moment's notice.  And this morning, what did I discover?

Alongside a women clad in the retro-way fashion, reposed upon the torn pages of a magazine advertising bicycles, I saw this blog's name on the blog roll list, positioned between the 'Chic Cyclist' and 'Copenhagen Cycle Chic', as though I was in a 'Chic' menage-a-trois!  All at once I was both excited and afraid.

My fears stem from two things:
#1) I have an overwhelming Wayne and Garth-esque "I'm not worthy" trepidation and am quite concerned I won't be able to live up to the pressure that being on such a blog roll instills in supplying the mothership with more "sexy-female-oriented-bicycling" photos.
#2) I don't want to offend any women who might read these pages by my excitment for the aforementioned association which can only be descibed as juvenile.

Thus, being inspired by the non-partisan message of our president last night, I bring you two gratuitous sexy cycling photos which should please whichever gender-way you choose to associate with.  Before you scroll further, click here to assist with the concealment of the photos that follow.

For Chicks and Bikes:

For the ladies:

And speaking of watching the POTUS last evening, the COMO CYCO dog and I finally put our Xmas presents to good use as we fell asleep on the couch, each tucked away in our respective Snuggies.  In order to protect the anonymity of us both, I've chosen to use a photograph of models representing what we looked like:

I understand that remaining anonymous might be frustrating to the 6 people who actually read this blog.  Therefore, I thought I would actually break down and show a brief video that captured me in my cycling prime, several years ago, when I was living and racing in Europe. 

This is of obvious little help in identifying me if you don't know anything about me.......so I captured a still frame to help you pick me out.

Even though the differences that distinguish me from the field are subtle, here are the keys to knowing this is me:

1) I've fallen off the back.

2) I'm rather large and a little hairy.

3) I have no teammates.

4) I'm trying like a mo-fo to catch a draft off of somebody (anybody)...but no one will have any of it.

I'm not the only one out there looking for a team.  Floyd Landis is still without a team having not yet signed with Rock Racing.  And despite Michael Ball declaring that "Rock's Not Dead!"...Rock Racing might be.  They have been denied a Professional Continental license by the UCI, and now Ball is considering moving the team to Mexico, Venzuela or Colombia just to get a license to race this year.  Despite all of this, Landis recently rode in the Tour of the Bahamas last week wearing Rock kit, where he broke the time trial course record previously set by David Zabriskie while not even riding a TT bike.  When asked about his future with Rock, he said:

"I honestly don't know.  I don't know even if Ball has thought about the team these last two weeks.  I don't know what is going on.  I'm focusing on my training and my bowling.  I need to think of my future after cycling and bowling might be it."

Having a back-up plan is always a good idea.  Should my day job ever fall through, I've already submitted my resumee to the Snuggie corporation for product development.  I've invented a modification which is a crumb catcher pouch on the front for when I'm eating crackers and cheese in my Snuggie.

Pedal on!

Changing views....

The offseason for me, and perhaps other cyclists as well, is always such an odd one.  The routines we work so hard to  maintain in the spring, summer and fall suddenly become disjointed, as motivation to jump on a trainer is a struggle.  I've tried many things to stay motivated on the trainer - and each of them tends to involve changing the view.  I've tried watching old Tour de France DVDs, the news, college basketball and movies.  But I think my favorite thing to watch is Giada de Laurentiis cooking anything on the Food Network.

(By the way - big thanks to the CC GEEC, and my partner in cycling crime, for the new Giada cookbook she got me for Xmas....not sure how the recipes are yet - but the photos are lovely and it should fit nicely on the bookstand on my handlebars).

Of course, if you are Lance Armstrong, changing the view from your trainer means you hop on your private jet, dart off to the big Island of Hawai'i and exchange the trainer for a beautifully paved highway with a view of Maui.

Lucky for him, a recent report that examined Hawai'i visitor injuries revealed that only 4% of all visits to the Emergency Room by non-Hawai'ian residents were related to bicycle crashes.  The number one reason (24% of visits) was related to falls (apparently not off of one's bicycle - unless one was looking at pictures of Giada marinating breasts from a chicken while riding). 

But Lance isn't the only member of the pro-peloton looking to mix up some training tactics during the off season.  Yesterday, we reported on Andy Schleck getting hit by a car the day after Christmas.  Well, today he reports in his own blog that both he AND his dog, named Minke, got banged up over the Christmas vacation.  Apparently, while on a jaunt through the woods, Minke jumped into a fox hole and got into a scrap with Mr. Fox and took a bit of a beating as well.  Sensing some evil juju magic swirling about Schleck and Team Saxo Bank, directeur Bjarne Riis had he and the other Saxo Bank riders gather around a bonfire, into which they were to cast written descriptions of their evil spirits.  Andy describes the scene:

"We had to huddle around a fire while we each wrote down one thing on a piece of  paper before casting it into the flames.  Whatever we wrote down, whatever trouble or problem, it would burn away into the night and not return.  You're probably thinking that I wrote Alberto Contador's name down.  Well you're right, but it was only a joke and I showed the entire team, who found it hilarious.  What I really wrote down has to stay a secret."

 

Whatever you say, Andy:

Twitter has also revealed some major view-changing for a couple of other big names.  First, Floyd Landis is on the verge of signing with Rock Racing after leaving Team OUCH a month ago.  Michael Ball's Rock Racing team is always in the business of changing their view - and staying on the cutting edge of fashion both on and off the bike.  Take for example their new "Anarchy" bib shorts:

Aside from the novel lightweight stretch quick-dry fabric these are constructed from, my favorite part is the large red splotch precariously positioned over the crotchal region.  Nothing says cycling toughness like displaying that you literally ride until your taint sloughs.  That is anarchy.

But as suggested above, cycling apparel is only one half of Rock&Republic's fashion line.  Check out what they've got for the tots at home:

Yes, for a cool $180, you can put your 9 year old son in some R&R designer jeans and T-shirt that comes complete with lipstick marks all over the shoulders.  But of course, those lipstick marks are probably meant to represent kisses from the boy's mother - right?  Because R&R doesn't forget about the mothers out there...not even the expectant ones.  Ever wonder what former Rock Racing star and admitted doper, Tyler Hamilton is doing now?  Stamping his name on R&R designer maternity jeans.

Could all of this be what inspired Floyd to recently tweet this cryptic message?

And someone whose view is about to be changed quite drastically is Tom Zirbel, former graduate student in Chemistry turned professional cyclist 4 years ago.  Results from tests taken during the US Pro time trial championships (where he finished 2nd) just revealed a positive finding for an endogenous steroid (DHEA).  He has been dropped from the Garmin-Transition roster and is nervously awaiting confirmation of the tests with the B sample.  DHEA is a steroid precursor that converts to testosterone in the body, and despite its debatable efficacy in enhancing performance, it is a banned substance.  My suggestion for a more natural testosterone booster?

More eggplant!

Pedal on!

Cardiac Deficit Disorder

A couple of weeks ago the Columbia Tribune reported that results from infrastructural changes to our city completed with a $22 million federal grant intended to promote bicycling have been a "mixed bag" which provoked quite a lively response from readers.  This claim was based on the fact that one particular day in mid-September 2008, the number of cyclists that went through the Forum/Stadium intersection during a two-hour period was 50% less that the number that went through the same intersection on the same day in 2009.  This appears to be the grand total of the negative findings by which the author of the story, Ms. Janese Heavin, wrote the story's byline stating "Fewer using site altered for bikes." 

Here's a picture of Ms. Heavin:

This is like hypothetically observing that on September 14th, 2008 from 2:00 PM until 4:00 PM, bars in Columbia sold less beer than between those same hours on September 14th, 2009, thus prompting a conclusion that beer consumption is on the decline in Columbia, which I seriously doubt.

But based on this assumption, one reader (by the name of 'FatDaddy') made the following observations in his response to the article:

"-The controversial legislation and general condescention proffered by the activist lobby has alientated more people than the campaign has encouraged."
"-Our carbon footprint is exactly where it was"
"The obese fraction of the population is exactly where it has been"
"There were no decreases in the diagnosis of cardiac deficit on a percapita basis"
"22 million dollars were, for the most part, wasted"

I would like to take a moment to respond to his assertations using the exact same logic that the original article was based on, i.e., a sample size of one.  I have not been alientated by the new bike-friendly legislation, and my personal carbon footprint has absolutely been lowered by my increase in commuting this year, my body weight is actually lower this year than it was last year, and I don't feel as though the 22 million was wasted.  So based on examining a sample population equivalent to what the aforementioned study used in their examination of a single intersection on a single day of the year,  I hereby statistically refute each of his claims.  The only claim of FatDaddy's I cannot refute is the so called decrease in this mysterious condition he refers to as 'cardiac deficit' which would mean in medical terms, the condition of possessing no heart at all.  In fact I have to agree with him - I think there are MORE heartless people in COMO this holiday season now than ever before.

My evidence?  We need not look any further than the comments posted in the end-of-the-week Trib Talk in response to this article and other articles regarding the traffic in Columbia.

TribTalk comment #1:

"I just read in the GetAbout Columbia report that bikes on the MKT trail have increased 400 percent - sure thing.  And half of these riders shoot by without warning, nearly knocking pedestrians - who were there first - off the trail.  Put that in your report, you self-congratulatory bike fanatics."

TribTalk comment #2:

"I read with interest the interest the GetAbout people are going to report to the federal governement the numbers of bike riders and pedestrians using the new trails through town.  That makes about as much sense as a bunch of prisoners and convicts reporting about how many members of prisoners are assaulted or smuggle in illegal drugs each month."

TribTalk comment #3:

"...if some fool maniac with a bat jumps on the hood of your car, double-tap to the cariovascular triangle and fight back until the threat is eliminated.  These are counterinsurgency response procedures in place across the world, and this guy is what the Second Amendment is all about.  God Bless America."

What with all of this talk of "double-tapping" people's triangles, and cyclists who ride the trail being "fanatical" and "self-congratulatory" and "cardiac deficits" on the rise, how can one not think that COMO is becoming a heartless place and begin to despair.  It was just when I was having such dark thoughts on my commute home last night that I saw this car parked in a parking lot which then warmed my gloomy heart.

Scrawled on the back of this car's rear window was the phrase "I HAVE THE BEST BFF EVER".  In consulting with the Urban Dictionary, I learned that 'BFF' is an acronym that seemingly stands for "Best Friend Forever".  But that wouldn't make sense with its use in the above sentence, reading "I HAVE THE BEST BEST FRIEND FOREVER EVER."  If the writer wanted to cannote the typical meaning of BFF, he or she would have simply written "I HAVE THE BFF", correct?  Anyway, he or she can't have the BFF ever, because Fast Freddie Rodriguez of Rock Racing actually has the BFF ever as seen in a photo taken at a publicity event to market the new official sports drink of Rock Racing: the R3 Power Elixir.

I wonder if Freddie is getting his triangle double-tapped here?

So clearly the car-graffiti artist must have been referencing a different 'BFF' acronym.  Methinks he/she was referring to the Bicycle Film Festival that is making its way around the world (currently in New Orleans, Houston and Washington DC) but somehow managed to miss Columbia completely.

How can Columbia not play host to the BFF?  We have the True/False film festival, the Citizen Jane Festival, the Third Goal Film Festival.  Plus we have the perfect venues for such an event in RagTag and the Missouri Theatre.  Talk about heartless!  Consider this my impassioned plea to all those above to bring the BFF to Columbia so that we cycling fanatics can become even more self-congratulatory, but perhaps in the process help grow the size of our hearts exponentially.

Pedal On!

The Sport of Kings

Polo has been called the 'Sport of Kings'.  But then again, so has horse racing, cricket, bowling and wild-boar hunting.  But we will focus on the polo designation today.  However, before we get to our discussion of polo and how it is related to the COMO cycling scene, permit me, if you will, to take a little 'Sport of Kings' tangent.  In doing my research for this post, I learned that another item of interest labeled the 'Sport of Kings' was the 8th album by the Canadian band 'Triumph' pictured here in the heyday of all of their hard-rocking glory.  What could this possibly have to do with cycling, you may ask?  Wait for it....wait for it....

When I read about Triumph's 8th royally-titled album, I thought to myself, "Triumph....Triumph....Triumph.  I know I should know a song by Triumph.  What in the hell did they sing?"  And after a little research and some painful moments on iTunes, it all came back...they sound kind of like the red-headed step-kid of fellow canuck group, Rush.  I clicked through a lot of the tracks looking for one that I would remember and finally stumbled on "Magic Power."  You can watch a glorious piece of 1983 Triumph performing this number live here if you feel so inclined.

I've viewed this video of Triumph rocking out at the 2-day Heavy Metal Festival so you don't have to.  But if you did watch it, perhaps you noticed the appearance of someone in the crowd at the 0.57 second mark that looked strangely familiar to you as well.  The individual is wearing mirrored sunglasses, sporting a porn-stache and matching beard and drinking lasciviously from a boda bag.

Now it just might be my imagination, but this fellow bears a striking resemblence to one Michael Ball, CEO and head designer of Rock and Republic designer jeans and founder of professional cycling team Rock Racing.

Like a precious time capsule, I'm wondering if this YouTube video captured a seminal moment in young Michael's life in which the lyrics of Triumph's 'Magic Power' imparted their very message into his psyche, which then gave him a vision of the future of bike racing:

"I'm young, I'm wild and I'm free!

I got the magic power of the music in me!"

Fast forward 25 years.  As you likely know, Rock Racing are the so called bad boys of the peloton...Ball's mission being to bring attitude and rock and roll to cycling.  See for yourself from the header of the official Rock Racing website:

Interesting marketing campaign for a professional bike team.  Let's examine this website graphic a little more closely.  Take note of two things: first, the ominous skull motif with the wingy things at the center of the header.

Next, note the slogan on the left of the header: "Never Surrender."

Now let's take a look back in time again at the album Triumph released in 1983, the same year I believe Michael Ball was caught swilling and rocking out to their live show.

Ominous skull-like visage? Check.  Wingy things? Check.  'Never Surrender" slogan? Check.

Coincidence?  Now I'm not suggesting that this little revelation is on par with Dan Brown offering up Mary Magdalene as the Holy Grail (sorry if I spoiled the Da Vinci code for anyone out there), but I do think Michael Ball has got some s'plaining to do!  There might be some kind of copyright infringement going on here and if the members of Triumph are reading and would like to get in touch with me regarding this, I would be happy to speak with them, as I believe an issue of a finder's fee needs to be discussed.

But enough about Michael Ball and Rock Racing and certainly Triumph.  Let's get back to the real Sport of Kings: POLO.  This traditionally equine sport has also been played from the backs of camels, elephants and now Segways, as pictured here:

The concept of Segway polo is a double insult as it not only defaces a great sport, but does so with ridiculous flare.  Further, I find it somewhat disconcerting that the sponsor of this particular Segway polo team makes a preservative-laden, albeit tastey, meat-like product.  Segways, by their very nature, condone an unhealthy lifestyle as they offer a zero-effort-required transportation alternative to walking, running and cycling while simultaneously consuming energy.  To have a segway polo team sponsored by a carcinogenic beef-stick is akin to having Philip Morris partner with Laz-Y-Boy to produce the Marlboro Recliner with inboard minifridge and phone.

No, the true urban Sport of Kings must of course be hard court bike polo.  Played from the saddles of battle hardened fixed gear bikes, these princes of the playground don't play for money or fame, but for the sheer glory of the improvised nature of the entire sport.  Almost every piece of gear they use is homemade, from the bikes, to the large cardboard spoke protectors to the mallets.  Our very own COMO is home to a polo club, appropriately named COMOPOLO.  And on November 7th and 8th, these folks will be hosting the 7th annual Midwest Champeenships which will involve at least 25 teams from all over the country.  I will be posting more on this as the date nears - but you should plan on clearing some time on your calendar right now to check this out.

In addition, the club needs some financial support to make this happen, and thus is holding a Bike Polo Gala and Fundraiser this Saturday night, October 3rd, at the Blue Fugue starting at 8:00 PM.  Michael Ball may think he has cornered the market on rock and roll infused cycling, but the gala promises to sport it's own musical lineup not to be missed with Al Holiday and The Lucky Stars, Nondenom, and Haii Usagi.  In addition, Les Bourgeois winery has donated wine which will be sold as a fundraiser for the club - and you don't even need to drink it out of any ghetto boda bag.  Be there or be tracked down and mallet-whipped by the cyclists of the COMOPOLO apocalypse.

And if there are any closet shitty-80's rock listening, Segway-driving readers out there I've offended - I offer you this peace offering.

The Purple Rain we've always wished for.

Pedal on!