Valentine's Day comes early!

Walking to work today, I nearly stepped in a large pile of feces of unknown origin that was lying in the middle of the sidewalk.  I'm guessing that it came from a dog, but one can never be really sure when one lives in a University town.  If it was of canine origin, I can't say that I blame the dog for dropping a deuce in the middle of the sidewalk considering all the frozen snow that is covering the grass.  I, for one, had to actually shovel a "shit-trench" for the COMO CYCO dog in my front yard because without it, every time he would hunker up to pinch off a loaf, the cold snow would hit him in the winky and he would pucker back up and end up not going at all.  Thus, over the course of last week's Snowpocalypse, he became packed like a musket.  Anway - back to me and the turd I encountered this morning.  As I dodged the pile, something about it caught my eye.  It had already been stepped on judging by its squished appearance, and thus is probably giving somebody's office a lovely aroma right about now.  But the way it had been stepped on gave it a certain shape and form that was recognizable.  I walked around the other side of the flattened turd and immediately identified the shape.

A frozen, heart-shaped turd.

In some cosmic sense, it seems that life was trying to give me an early Valentine's Day present this morning.  And it struck me then that whereas some say every cloud has a silver lining, so too is every piece of shit moldable into a shape that may give it some redeeming quality.  That is, unless you are a CERA-doping, pregnant fiance-dumping, Aldo Sassi betraying, sour-blood-infusing, reptilian-nick-naming cyclist like Riccardo Ricco.  Especially in the eyes of Mark Cavendish who has some very pointed words for Mr. Ricco today in response to the most recent allegations:

In a cyclingnews video interview, Cavendish says of Riccardo Ricco, "I hope he does recover well, but I really hope he becomes someone's bitch in prison."

Well if he does become someone's "prison bitch" let's hope he learns how to use the mini-fridge in their cell a lot better than what he did at home, or Ricco and Tyrone are going to be drinking some pretty chunky milk.

Interestingly, I noticed that MSNBC was running the Ricco story on their front page yesterday.  It seems that professional cycling has finally made mainstream news through stories of doping only.  That's not exactly a glowing endorsement for the sport we love.  But as stinky as some shit can be, regardless of its heart-shaped form, others more local are finding the sweet, sweet smell in their bicycles.  Take this post I found in craigslist this morning:  (By the way - that's what is called a smooth segue folks....)

 "Bike is in excellent condition, tires still smell brand new."

Is there anything as aromatic as the smell of new bicycle tires?  I imagine the workers in the Vittoria factory walk around in a near-orgasmic state all day, enjoying the smell of their hard labor.

OK - maybe not.  By the way - did you know Vittoria tires are actually made in Bangkok?  So much for my impression that each Vittoria was hand-made by some ancient Italian man named Vincenzo....still, I wonder if this Thai gentlemen wears that protective mask to prevent from getting sexually aroused?

And while we're on the topic of craigslist postings and being sexually aroused, I thought I should help a young woman out who was left stranded at the Blue Fugue a couple weeks ago by a ginger-cyclist.

"At the Blue Fugue on Saturday night....had a few friends tell me you were checking me out, but I doubt it.  But I wanted to say (you, redhead, kinda tall) you are very hot and I found myself wanting to talk to you but couldn't muster up the guts, so I waited for you to talk to me.  I am shy.  I saw you ride away on your bike and was a little sad.  If you felt a "connection," tell me what I was wearing and if you found me at all attractive.  I normally don't do this kind of thing, so even if you never read this....I enjoyed looking at you throughout the night. :)"

I just have to say that if you are a red-headed male cyclist in this town, and you are reading this, you need to hit this girl up!  I mean seriously - how many chances are you going to get?  1) You are a redhead.  2) You ride a bike!  The combined impact of these two elements has got you pretty low on the social pecking order.  Even if you weren't at the Blue Fugue that night, she was probably too drunk to remember exactly what you look like anyway - so go for it!  (And let me know how it turns out, please).

I'm beginning to feel all cupid-like suddenly, both with my aforementioned Valentine-turd and by posting this bike-related missed connection here, so I thought I would post another one I found, although it's not bike-related.

"I saw you downtown and was stricken by your hulking beauty - you had both arms fully extended from your nikon cargo vest and in your hands was a camera that you were motordriving at full speed at any and all passersby.  I thought about calling the cops until I saw the chipotle burrito you were clutching....we're clearly soulmates.  Was that another burrito in your pants or did you feel it too?"

Yes indeed, the smell of fresh tires is in the air, and pants-burritos are being clutched.  Everyone must be sensing the warm weather that is just around the corner.  With temps projected to be in the 40's and 50's this weekend, it is seriously making me consider buying this to cruise about town in:

"This one-of-a-kind vehicle seats up to five people and can be pedaled by one or two in front.....It was also photographed with my family in a 2004 issue of People Magazine!"

It is sad to see the famous St. Louis Rickshaw go out of business, but seriously, how many opportunities will I have to buy a bike (or bike-like-thing) that was featured in People Magazine...and for a cool 2 Gs as well?  I would look so good sitting in the back of this thing while the COMO GEEC pedaled me around.  Just thinking about it makes me want to sniff a tire and clutch my burrito.

And speaking of.....

Like many of you perhaps, I spent a portion of this past weekend watching the SuperBowl.  This was actually the first professional football game I saw all year, and by all accounts, I guess I picked a pretty good one to watch.  There is nothing like seeing well-toned athletes perform in the peak of physical fitness.

("I can shit thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big!")

As I watched the game, I wondered if the NFL battles with doping athletes as much as cycling these days.  But then it occured to me that their plates are probabaly already too full with issues of animal cruelty, sexual assault and nightclub shootings for them to worry about silly things like someone rubbing a little testosterone cream on their ass. 

And speaking of creamy asses, we of course know that doping can be a lot more involved.  Take Ricardo Ricco.  Yep, the self-proclaimed "Cobra" of the peloton, who was busted for doping a couple of years ago and recently made a comeback declaring his newly cleansed state, was reportedly rushed to a hospital in Italy on Sunday in shock after having transfused some of his own blood that he had kept in his fridge for 25 days.  Apprently he feared that the blood was not still healthy.

("The Cobra" is actually dumber than he looks)

Twenty-five days?  If you wouldn't even drink milk that old, I'm guessing injecting blood that was just hanging out in the fridge next to the pickles and mayonaise for that long would probably also be a bad idea.

And speaking of bad ideas, who came up with the new jersey for Team Geox-TMC?

Team Footon has replaced the giant black foot with a giant black shoe which is apparently able to fart from the sole.  I guess you could consider this forward progress?  This is a new frontier for cycling team sponsorship, as the Geox company has elected to depict an actual photograph of their product on the jersey rather than a simple company logo.  Imagine if all the pro teams did this.  Take for example Team RadioShack, who is named for the retail store that has been mass-producing electronics nerds since 1977:

(This is one Pro-jersey that I would actually buy)

And speaking of not-so-hot ideas....I have to say that the podium girls at the Tour of Qatar really leave a lot to be desired...

Resurrection

Spring is the time when emblamatic new life emerges from those things that lie dormant.  And frequently, we take inspiration from such things.  So too, in the world of cycling, which of us is not inspired by seeing those whose careers have taken a bit of a slide come forth once again to carry the day.  One might assume I'm speaking of Floyd Landis' second place performance at Battenkill last weekend.

Or maybe Cadel Evan's winning both the World Championships and also today's Fleche-Wallonne on an attack up the Mur de Huy, besting Alberto's entire index finger with merely his thumb.

There are other recent tales, like Riccardo Ricco winning the second stage and taking the leaders jersey at the Giro del Trentino today.  Ricco, of course, is trying to resurrect his career after being away from the sport due to convictions of doping, then leaving his girlfriend, racer Vania Rossi and their unborn child, when she too tested positive.  Susbsequently, Rossi's B sample came back negative and Riccardo "The Cobra" Ricco had a brand new head set design painted on his Bianchi.

Certainly, nothing inspires like a doper who leaves his partner and child, who then wins.  But two other recent tales of cycling resurrection have tickled my niggles even more.  The first is involving Lance Armstrong.  As everyone is well aware, in March of 2009, LA fractured his clavicle in the Castilla Y Leon race.  As he lay slumped over in the gutter, he began Tweeting about the occurence feverishly with his good arm (one-armed people can both drive AND twitter, in case you didn't know) and within moments, his became the most well-known collar bone in the world.  So momentous was this occasion, that the very ground upon which the bone was splintered became hallowed, such that the people of the nearby village of Antiguedad erected a monument to mark the exact location of the event consisting of a blue fendered bike, secured in a pedestal of cement and stone.

A plaque on the pedestal reads:

"La Clavicula de Armstrong

23-3-2009

Antiguedad"

I'm not sure why the good citizens of Antiguedad sacrificed what appears to be a perfecly good bike in honor of this event, or moreso why they angled the bicycle upwards like a giant erection....but I guess it's the thought that counts.  And by all accounts, people across the street from the monument   Europe reportedly stumbled upon flocked to the commemorative sculpture while walking their dogs to pay homage to Armstrong's fallen bone. 

Well disturbing news arrived last week when it was discovered that the monument had been vandalized and the bicycle stolen.  (I expect it to show up on FixedGearGallery any day now but with some deep-V Velocity rims, bright orange Oury handlegrips and an Aerospoke front wheel).  But town officials have assured the cycling community that not only will the site be resurrected, but it will now be made more difficult for vandals to get to.  Blessed be the bike that represents the collar bone.  Amen.

But none of these tales of resurrection is as exciting to me as the news that the Angle has risen.  Yes, the former Specialized Angel that used to appear at domestic and European races to represent the Specialized brand has been brought back and renamed the Angel of Echelon.  The organizers of the Echelon Gran Fondo series have "restored and resyled [The Angel] to emulate a protector and healer while still maintaing her celebrated allure and charisma."  In other words, she's still wearing tight clothes. 

"The angel character serves a dual role: one to inspire and support those off the bike and the other to captivate and cheer those on the bike," said Echelon Event Director, Hunter Ziesing regarding the Echelon series' new symbol which is designed to raise money for cancer initiatives.

I notice that the new angel comes complete with a bronzed breast plate that she didn't sport before.

I wonder if the new owners of the Angel thought she needed more protection.  Especially considering what happened to the old Specialized Angel at the hands of Cannondale.

Because as we know all too well, just because you've been resurrected doesn't mean you can't fall again.  At least we can hope so in the case of Ricco.

CCPB