Thursday, February 10, 2011

Valentine's Day comes early!

Walking to work today, I nearly stepped in a large pile of feces of unknown origin that was lying in the middle of the sidewalk.  I'm guessing that it came from a dog, but one can never be really sure when one lives in a University town.  If it was of canine origin, I can't say that I blame the dog for dropping a deuce in the middle of the sidewalk considering all the frozen snow that is covering the grass.  I, for one, had to actually shovel a "shit-trench" for the COMO CYCO dog in my front yard because without it, every time he would hunker up to pinch off a loaf, the cold snow would hit him in the winky and he would pucker back up and end up not going at all.  Thus, over the course of last week's Snowpocalypse, he became packed like a musket.  Anway - back to me and the turd I encountered this morning.  As I dodged the pile, something about it caught my eye.  It had already been stepped on judging by its squished appearance, and thus is probably giving somebody's office a lovely aroma right about now.  But the way it had been stepped on gave it a certain shape and form that was recognizable.  I walked around the other side of the flattened turd and immediately identified the shape.
A frozen, heart-shaped turd.

In some cosmic sense, it seems that life was trying to give me an early Valentine's Day present this morning.  And it struck me then that whereas some say every cloud has a silver lining, so too is every piece of shit moldable into a shape that may give it some redeeming quality.  That is, unless you are a CERA-doping, pregnant fiance-dumping, Aldo Sassi betraying, sour-blood-infusing, reptilian-nick-naming cyclist like Riccardo Ricco.  Especially in the eyes of Mark Cavendish who has some very pointed words for Mr. Ricco today in response to the most recent allegations:
In a cyclingnews video interview, Cavendish says of Riccardo Ricco, "I hope he does recover well, but I really hope he becomes someone's bitch in prison."

Well if he does become someone's "prison bitch" let's hope he learns how to use the mini-fridge in their cell a lot better than what he did at home, or Ricco and Tyrone are going to be drinking some pretty chunky milk.

Interestingly, I noticed that MSNBC was running the Ricco story on their front page yesterday.  It seems that professional cycling has finally made mainstream news through stories of doping only.  That's not exactly a glowing endorsement for the sport we love.  But as stinky as some shit can be, regardless of its heart-shaped form, others more local are finding the sweet, sweet smell in their bicycles.  Take this post I found in craigslist this morning:  (By the way - that's what is called a smooth segue folks....)
 "Bike is in excellent condition, tires still smell brand new."

Is there anything as aromatic as the smell of new bicycle tires?  I imagine the workers in the Vittoria factory walk around in a near-orgasmic state all day, enjoying the smell of their hard labor.
OK - maybe not.  By the way - did you know Vittoria tires are actually made in Bangkok?  So much for my impression that each Vittoria was hand-made by some ancient Italian man named Vincenzo....still, I wonder if this Thai gentlemen wears that protective mask to prevent from getting sexually aroused?

And while we're on the topic of craigslist postings and being sexually aroused, I thought I should help a young woman out who was left stranded at the Blue Fugue a couple weeks ago by a ginger-cyclist.

"At the Blue Fugue on Saturday night....had a few friends tell me you were checking me out, but I doubt it.  But I wanted to say (you, redhead, kinda tall) you are very hot and I found myself wanting to talk to you but couldn't muster up the guts, so I waited for you to talk to me.  I am shy.  I saw you ride away on your bike and was a little sad.  If you felt a "connection," tell me what I was wearing and if you found me at all attractive.  I normally don't do this kind of thing, so even if you never read this....I enjoyed looking at you throughout the night. :)"

I just have to say that if you are a red-headed male cyclist in this town, and you are reading this, you need to hit this girl up!  I mean seriously - how many chances are you going to get?  1) You are a redhead.  2) You ride a bike!  The combined impact of these two elements has got you pretty low on the social pecking order.  Even if you weren't at the Blue Fugue that night, she was probably too drunk to remember exactly what you look like anyway - so go for it!  (And let me know how it turns out, please).

I'm beginning to feel all cupid-like suddenly, both with my aforementioned Valentine-turd and by posting this bike-related missed connection here, so I thought I would post another one I found, although it's not bike-related.
"I saw you downtown and was stricken by your hulking beauty - you had both arms fully extended from your nikon cargo vest and in your hands was a camera that you were motordriving at full speed at any and all passersby.  I thought about calling the cops until I saw the chipotle burrito you were clutching....we're clearly soulmates.  Was that another burrito in your pants or did you feel it too?"

Yes indeed, the smell of fresh tires is in the air, and pants-burritos are being clutched.  Everyone must be sensing the warm weather that is just around the corner.  With temps projected to be in the 40's and 50's this weekend, it is seriously making me consider buying this to cruise about town in:
"This one-of-a-kind vehicle seats up to five people and can be pedaled by one or two in front.....It was also photographed with my family in a 2004 issue of People Magazine!"

It is sad to see the famous St. Louis Rickshaw go out of business, but seriously, how many opportunities will I have to buy a bike (or bike-like-thing) that was featured in People Magazine...and for a cool 2 Gs as well?  I would look so good sitting in the back of this thing while the COMO GEEC pedaled me around.  Just thinking about it makes me want to sniff a tire and clutch my burrito.


  1. How many posts without hot chicks do we have to endure? Why have you given me this cross to bear? Why father PooBah? Why!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

    Oh god. I dont think I can go on.

  2. Someone needs to alert the "Ben-jinia" (the only "redhead, kinda tall" rider that I know of in these parts.)

    Anonymous, I'm in agreement. A heart shaped dog turd just isn't going to cut it.

    This should ease your pain.

  3. I, too, agree with anonymous. I sometimes find myself in public, the local coffee shop or cinema cafe, reading this blog. I also find myself reading Friday mail and viewing the sexy bicycle clad women. Though, I enjoy these sexy bicycle clad women, it is in these moments that I feel a bit embarrassed to be THAT guy looking at sexy pictures on the public. For some reason, even today's post didn't prevent that same embarrassment. Now, I'm that guy looking at heart-shaped pieces of poo. Thanks, Poobah.

    P.S. I really do enjoy your blog. Especially on Fridays.


  4. I was thinking the same thing Dave! I actually just put it on his