Friday, November 18, 2011


Ah yes dear readers, today is the eve of the return of cyclocross to Columbia, and the entire town is positively buzzing with excitement.  If you are reading this blog from somewhere other than Missouri - you may not have understood the context of that hypertexted link.  It seems that the head football coach of the University Missouri was busted for driving his vehicle under the influence of alcohol this past week.  And all I can say to Coach Pinkel is this.  Dude - you should seriously think about taking up cyclocross.  Not only is operating your mode of transportation under the influence permissible, it's highly encouraged!  I believe the po-po finally pulled you over for lane violations - correct?  Shit - during a cross race, if you blast through the barrier tape, the fans will probably actually give you more beer!  It sounds like you've got 'cross in your blood, my friend (along with 6 or 7 Natty Lights).

At any rate - I thought that in celebration of tomorrow, we should have  special cyclocross-themed Friday mail.  So, from the hundreds of letters I've received this week, I've weeded out only the cylocross-related notes to post for you today.  Enjoy:

Dear PooBah,
Can you fill me in on the rules of heckling?  I want to come watch the COMO AWESOMO race tomorrow - but want to make sure I don't cross any boundaries with what I can say and do to the racers.  For example, is this allowable?
Thanks a bunch!  Looking forward to tomorrow - 
Pete G.

Great question.  I'm going to have to refer to a higher power on this one:  The St. Louis Biking Message Board where a recent post reviews the rules and etiquette of "hecklery."

1. No touching riders actively racing

2. No throwing, spitting, or discharging objects from a device at riders. Even if you know them.

3. Heckling insults should reply on wit rather than obscenity

4. Foul language is permitted as long as there are no children within an acceptable distance. Acceptable distance will be defined as the length of the biggest hill in the race since it is a well known fact that sound travels down hill.

5. Hand ups are permitted as long as a person’s body remains behind the course tape

6. Acceptable handups include: Beer in cans, paper money in denominations of $1 and higher, pizza or other awesome type of food like donuts, beer in plastic cups.

7. Unacceptable handups include: Beer in bottles, canadian paper money, slimy food like baloney, and weather inappropriate items such as Hot Chocolate on a hot day.

8. Spraying riders with beer or other liquid is acceptable only if the promoter has designated a portion of the course as a “spray zone.”

9. Heckling shall be confined to portions of the course a rider is most likely to wipe out and suffer further humiliation.

10. Acceptable Locations include run ups, steep inclines, difficult barriers, mud pits, sand pits, or high speed down hill turns.

11. A rider hopelessly out of contention and suffering shall be heckled excessively, and offered double beer, but no cash.

12. Costumed hecklers will be given priority placement along the course tape.

13. Excessively drunk obnoxious hecklers will leave the venue upon first request.

14. Heckling requires a minimum group of three persons. A group of less than three hecklers will be considered lame losers and risk being heckled by riders for their lamosity.

15. Priority heckling position will be given to those with voice or noise amplifying instruments such as air horns or electronically powered megaphones. 

So, whereas this looks like it would get a pass on Rules #8 regarding spraying, #12 regarding the wearing costumes and #14 regarding the group size of the hecklers, I think Rule #2 trumps them all with the "no spitting" clause.  So I'd have to say unacceptable, unfortunately.

Dear PooBah,
I'm thinking of dressing up for tomorrow's race, but need a little added incentive.  What will you give me if I race dressed as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Looking forward to your reply,

I will pay you exactly $4.20 and send you this T-shirt in a women's size XS as pictured.

Dear PooBah,
How did COMO AWESOMO get its name?

Another good question.  Some think it was named after the South Park episode where Eric Cartman dresses up as a robot, the Awesom-o-2000....

But i have it on good authority that real reason behind the name is because there will be pilgrim-costumed human barriers that will need to be either traversed on foot or preferably by bunny hopping.

That's it for today, kids.  See everyone at the race tomorrow!


  1. In China, we do not have time to screw around playing grab-ass on bicycles. We are too busy building up our huge cash reserves and infrastructure so that we can dominate your piss ass society for the next 500 years.


  2. I know the race will be awesome and built with quality materials.

    Sad to say I'm unable to make the race, not that I don't want to be there.... but sometimes there are not enough days in the week.

    You all have a great race, I look forward to results, photos and full blog report on Monday.

  3. Jackie Chan, artificial intelligence will become self aware far sooner than that. The "singularity" will pretty much solve the problem you present, and all other solvable problems. So don't worry.

    Cyclo cross, however, will continue on.

  4. Hey PooBah I don't know about the rest of these jokers but I miss your regular cycling related blogposts.

    regards, rct

    1. I concur. My gut feeling is that some negative comments may have repulsed our cherished author. Or perhaps the joys of blogging just isn't what it used to be. Alas, the lucrative endorsements and groupies are probably woefully insufficient to justify the effort.

      Come back Poobah!

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