Local news: Control your p****, because it's about to get bumpy!

As a self-proclaimed bloggeur de bicycles here in COMO-land, I do my best to keep my finger on the pulse of the "bike scene" which is to say, I actually do absolutely no research, nor scout out any bike-related stories whatsoever, and typically just comment on whatever I happen upon, much like a blind squirrel finding the odd, random nut.  (Note to self - two great ideas for future band names in that last sentence: "Blind Squirrel" and "Random Nut".)  Therefore, it should surprise no one that I've dropped the ball BIG TIME on some recent and future cycling stories and events that I need to mention now.

First of all, this past weekend was the Berryman Trail Epic mountain bike endurance race in the proximity of Steelville, MO.  Its significance to COMO kids is that one of our very own (Jon Schottler) held the course record set in 2010.  That is, until this year, when Steve Tilford topped it, and then wrote about it as though it were as difficult as riding to the store to pick up a 4-pack of Bartles and James wine coolers.  Of course, when you are a cycling bottom feeder like me, and your mantra has become "not last, not lapped," every such feat seems Herculean.....That said, with all due respect (as well as fully disclosing my bias toward COMO's own), I would still suggest that a tad bit more credit was due to Mr. Schottler.

Secondly, the BubbaCross series continues and apparently was rough as a cob this past weekend at Fort Belle Fontain which had the St. Louis Cycling Forum buzzing with commentary in a dedicated thread entitled "Bumpy Bubba":

Posted Yesterday, 03:52 PM

All people who set up a cx race course should have to pre-ride the course or they don't get to set up the courses anymore. If they set up a mean course that breaks bikes rather than showcasing the true spirit of cx, they should be forced to ride the course sans chamois. IMHO

Posted Yesterday, 06:11 PM

This is easy. If you don't like the courses either come out and help design and set up a course or just don't race them! Take your crying ass out to KC or Chicago if Bubba courses are beneath you.

I didn't race this past weekend, so cannot comment on the conditions - but think I have to give it to the second individual here.  Despite being a complete CX newb - I'm pretty sure that the "true spirit" of cyclocross is racing until you either want to cry, puke or poop yourself.....or maybe all three at the same time.  If the course is smooth - then that will be achieved via exerted effort and if the course is rough, that will be accomplished via exerted effort and taint battering.  This little thing called free will allows you to go home without racing if you elect to not pursue the "true spirit".

Anyway - at the end of the day, COMO still prevailed as Dan Miller took another victory despite doing a "Half Joey".  (For those of you that don't know, this is going "Full Joey.")


Thus, a "Half Joey" would be if just the cyclist or the bicycle became airborne - but not both simultaneously.

Ok - now for some upcoming ride announcements.  This weekend, in addition to Bubba's #4 and #5 cyclocross races in St. Louis, you can get your spook on and do the Monster Bike Bash's ride to Rocheport on Saturday.  Or if you want less beer and frivolity and more taint-pain, you can do the Gravel Grumble 100 which starts at Tryathletics at 7:00 AM the same day.

And I don't know how I missed this one - but according to this story in the Columbia Missourian, there is an all-female bicycle group that rides every Tuesday night leaving from RagTag between 7:00 and 7:30 PM:



Perhaps, like me, you saw this disclaimer on the Missourian's page, below the video story:

"The bike club’s name contains a word we normally don’t print because it can be offensive. For more information you can go to the group’s Facebook page."

I have to admit that I was perplexed by this and started wondering what the acronym 'PCBC' actually stood for making it so offensive that the Missourian didn't want to publish it?  So, I did as instructed and followed the link to the group's Facebook page and was so enlightened.

There are several things I appreciate about what this group is accomplishing.  Firstly, a group like this can develop comraderie amongst female cyclists.

Take what rider Brigid Foley says, "PCBC is definitely about the ladies...you know....no one is there to meet dudes.  That's not the point...."

(Come on Brigid, we all know you got that handsome devil's phone number after the photo shoot!)

The lack of men apparently reduces the intimidation factor for new cyclists.  Again, says Ms. Foley, "They (men) set such a fast pace and kind of intimidate people that are new to riding."  There is no question that this is true.  Put two male newbs on bicycles, and they will have graduated to become racing Freds within 15 minutes, or crashed into one another trying.  That said, a group calling itself "Pussy Control Bike Club" with the motto "Our Ride, Our Rules" kind of scares the shit out of me, personally, and I've not even put on my skirt to try to ride with them (yet).

(Men are only allowed to tag along on the ride if they either wear a skirt or are bearded and come in the form of a tattoo - in which case they get to ride on the ladies' thighs!!!  I just tossed my razor in the garbage can.)

But seriously - why should I be intimidated to ride with PCBC?  I think I've always practiced good "pussy control".

I promise that Mr. Pants will either be on his leash or remain in his basket the entire ride.....

Herman Cross wrap-up: From the bottom up.

Last Saturday afternoon, I popped my proverbial cherry in the wonderful world of cyclocross in the town of Hermann, MO.  Before I launch in on that epic tale of Cat 4 wonderment, I need to describe the fact-finding mission I went on the week before the race as I consulted with a number of friends on different strategies.  I considered this background research - data collection if you will, from those more experienced; each of whom gave me pearls of wisdom.

Friend #1:
"What are your expectations for Saturday?" he asked.
I answered, "1) To not severely injure myself.  2) To not severely injure anyone else. 3) To not severely injure my bike 4) To not finish last.
"You really know how to shoot for the stars, don't you?" he replied.  "If you don't really care about winning - then here's what you do.  Start at the back and let all the insanity unfold ahead of you and then start picking people off.  It's more fun to pass people than get passed which is what's going to happen if you start at the front.  Oh yeah - and have fun."

Friend #2:
"How do I ride through sand?" I asked.
"Pedal hard through it, and if you eat shit, keep your shifters out of it or else they're fucked," he answered.

Friend #3:
"Any advice?" I asked.
"Start at the front and if you need to puke during the race - go right ahead.  Remember - you are getting old and you kind of suck, so you've got that going for you," he replied.

So, as I lined up for my race, I positioned myself about midfield.  The reason?  I have no clue.  Friend #3 told me I should be on the front - but it didn't feel like I deserved to be on the front, and yet I really thought I was better than sitting on the very back like Friend #1 told me to do - so I compromised with them, like they were a little angel and little devil sitting on each of my shoulders. 

Just about that time, a race offical approached us, the assembled horde of Cat 4s .  In the front row were 2 or maybe 3 young kids who were clearly juniors.  The official smiled at each of them and told them how good it was to see them there and then proceeded to go over the rules, making special notation of where the first-aid station was located.  He repeated its location three times, which I took as indication that he has seen his fair share of Cat 4 cyclocross races.  I glanced apprehensively over to the guy on my left who was wearing a crash helmet with a sticker on it that said "Lick me", and then over to the guy on my right whose bike had porteur handlebars on it as I wondered what in the hell I was doing there.  After the official finished, another guy standing close to me dressed in full team kit and whom shall henceforth be referred to as the 'douche-packer,' yells to him.

"Are you going to do a call-up?"
"No," the official responds.
"Why not?!!" theDP answered, clearly irritated.
"We are only doing that for the 1/2/3 races," the offical replied, very politely.
"Well, why are the juniors in the front?" asks the DP.
"I guess because they got here sooner than you did," answered the official.
"You think that's a good idea?" the DP asks.
The official takes a deep breath and then releases it in exasperated fashion.  He looks right at the DP and then says in a very tired voice. "Listen everyone, there are juniors in the front.  Keep an eye out."
"This is bullshit," the DP mutters under his breath.

I was suddenly distracted away from the silent conversation that had been continuing to run in my head between me, and Friends #1 and #3 over my starting position long enough to turn to the DP and say, "Would you chill the fuck out, please?  We are a bunch of Cat 4 sacks of shit - and still will be even if your ass somehow manages to set the course record for the night!"  In a perfect world, I would have actually formed these words with my mouth and said them.  Instead they remained just a thought inside my brain.  But I still dreamt of saying them.  In the midst of this day dream, in which I'd become a chiseled, trash-talking, cyclocross-racing bad-ass, relaxed and sitting on my top tube at the pre-race start line, with legs so sculpted they looked like they had been carved from marble, telling tales of cyclocross racing adventures to the juniors huddled around me, I was suddently awakened by the voice of the official who was counting down from 5.  And then just as quickly, he had released us and we were off on what would prove to become the longest 40 minutes I had experienced since I tried to sit through the movie Blue Velvet.  Oddly enough, my experiences were not so dissimilar from those of Dennis Hopper's character in the film in that, I too, found myself craving an oxgen mask and screaming "Mommy" within about 3 minutes. 

But that's where all similarities ended, thankfully.   At some point after feeling my digested turkey sandwich start to creep back up my esophagus, I looked down at my watch to see how long I had been out on the torturous course, feeling certainly it had to be close to 35 minutes, only to find the number 15 staring back at me from the stopwatch function.  And it occured to me that somehow, someway, cyclocross actually proves Einstein to be correct.....that time is relative and when you are on that damned bike, it can slow to a virtual standstill.

I have no idea where or even how I finished, but eventually I accomplished all 4 of my goals.  My friends cheered me on as I dragged my fat ass up those wretched steps and over ridiculously positioned barriers.  I kept my shifters out of the sand - but did manage to go blasting right through the barrier adjacent to the pit.  I picked off my fair share of riders, and stayed out of the first-aid tent..... however I'm also pretty sure this guy may have kicked my ass.....and deservedly so.

photo courtesy.

All in all, a flipping fantastic time and I can't wait for the next one.  And once again, I need to thank all of my friends who coerced me into doing this and then tolerated (and continue to tolerate) my steady barrage of questions and worrying.   

Anyway, no one cares what a cyclocross race looks like from the bottom up, as this account describes, so let's see something far more entertaing: the great video made of the Men's 1/2/3 race by Brent Davidson.

Big congrats to COMO racer Jon Schottler of Team Michelob Ultra/Big Shark Racing who took first on Saturday and second on Sunday to win the overall competition.  An amazing performance.  And also a huge THANKS! and congrats to race organizer Jeff Yielding who not only won the 40+ master's division, but also put on an incredibly well-organized event, even if there was no call-up in the Cat 4 race.  Jeff - if you can just sort that one thing out, you might truly have yourself a quality event!