The British (Olympics) are coming! Quit idling your bones!

Talk about low-hanging fruit.  This is almost too easy.  What can one say really?  The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree?  Like mother like daughter?  Don't worry, Mark - at least when your daughter's mother lifts up her dress, she does so while contemplating troubling geopolitical issues...Take this interview Peta Todd did for Loaded Magazine in which her dress has most definitely been lifted, but which doesn't stop her from thinking deep thoughts...

I sleep better at night knowing that while Peta Todd is showing her ass, she is also worried about the goings on in Pyongyang.  It's certainly more than what I am capable of when I am showing my ass, which usually occurs when the GEEC is eating her breakfast in the morning before work and I saunter out of the shower and drop my towel, turn around and say "Hey honey, did you see that beautiful full moon this morning?"  But as we've recently learned from Bradley Wiggins, Brits truly have their own unique vocabulary.  For example, in America, we use the term "couch potatoes" to describe the slothful, but in England, they are called "bone-idle wankers" as Wiggins instructed us not long ago.  However, it seems to me that the terms "wanker" and the state of being "bone-idle" seem to be contradictory (because if you are of the male persuasion, your 'bone' is anything but idle if you are......anyway - you get the picture.)  But what do I know - I'm just a "Yank" (which coincidentally enough, is a synonym of "wank" isn't it?)  At any rate - in specific reference to Peta and Mark and their concerns over the newly demonstrated exhibitionist tendencies of their daughter, the term "ass" when referencing one's posterior, isn't really even used in England as far as I can tell.  It's called an "arse" or "bum," I believe. 

And the discussion of "bums" brings me to what I really wanted to talk about today.  Not English "bums" but the good old-fashioned American version.  As you know, a little sports competition is set to begin this weekend in London called the Olympics, and there will be a handful of men and women riding their bikes in it.  On Saturday and Sunday are the men's and women's road races, respectively, and on Wednesday is the time trial.  I was curious to see who was going to be representin' (which is an American term) for the various countries, so I checked out this website showing the London Olympic 2012 cyclist's profiles complete with pictures used on their official ID badges. 

I was struck by how much the photos resemble mug-shots and look like a cavalcade of the homeless and incarcerated.  For your viewing pleasure, I bring you my favorites with some fictional charges they may have been brought in for. 

Sylvain Chavenel:

Heavily intoxicated,  he was arrested Monday morning at 3:30 AM in a Paris disco for asking a waitress to "rub his sore joint".

Taylor Phinney:

Brought in for questioning early yesterday regarding the theft of three extra boxes of condoms from the Olympic dispensary.  Upon questioning, Phinney stated, "You can never have too many spares...I live in fear of a puncture when I'm riding."

Frank Schleck:

Arrested last week for disorderly conduct when he was caught urinating through the open sunroof of a Nissan Altima owned by one Johan Bruyneel.  When questioned, he said, "I just suddenly had to go pee-pee very, very badly...."

Jakob Fuglsang:

Charged in Austria with indecent exposure when he tried to get a female pedestrian to fondle his "prized bratwurst" won during the recent Tour of Austria.

Fabian Cancellara:

Interrogated last week for allegedly dispensing diuretics without a license.

Cadel Evans:

Confused and disoriented, he was arrested late last Sunday evening for disorderly conduct when he was discovered staggering down the middle of the Champs-Elysees wearing a 2011 maillot jaune and no pants, saying he was looking for his lost stuffed lion plushie.

Branislau Samoilau:

Questioned Tuesday evening in London for the theft of Jonathan Vaughter's favorite argyle cardigan.

Peter Sagan:

Arrested for lewd conduct Wednesday morning in the outskirts of London during a training ride because passers by complained he had a cucumber stuffed down the front of his chamois shorts.  Upon further questioning, the accused, who is also known as "The Velvet Samurai," explained that he was just practicing his new victory salute for when he wins the Olympic road race.  An ensuing search was unable to identify any vegetable in his pants, however.  Charges were dropped. Bonsai.

Chris Horner:

Arrested for indecency when he was caught in public kissing the exposed derriere of an adult male wearing a Texas Longhorn's jersey with a giant yellow number '7' printed on it.

Timmy Duggan:

Found guilty of total bad-assery. Go get 'em Timmy!

Tour de France week 1 recap: The Perfect Storm

Do you remember the scene from the movie  The Perfect Storm where the ass-munch weather man nearly creams his jeans as he considers the rarity of the meteorological event that is unfolding on the Doppler radar before his eyes?

(The best acting in the entire scene actually came from The Count plushie)

Well this week, it is I who is the ass-munch weatherman, only I'm watching the Tour de France, which has become an equivalent perfect collision of calamitous events resulting in an epic wake of destruction.  Like various and severe weather systems intersecting, so too have the different story lines in cycling news woven together to form a veritable cesspool that is not necessarily fun to watch, but impossible to turn away from:

Oh jeeze...

Storm System 1:  USADA's timing.  Travis Tygart will certainly never be accused of being overly discrete.  I suppose when you want to make an example of someone, picking the biggest stage possible is definitely one way to go.  But the least he could do is give Vaughters a friendly "heads up" that witness names were about to be named.  I mean, the usually well-coiffed directeur was particularly disheveled when the news broke and didn't even have a chance to put a fine point on his sideburns before talking with the press yesterday!

Storm System 2:  The entirety of the commentating crew of NBC's Sport's Channel covering the Tour.  Could there be a more insipid or banal pairing than Liam McHugh (Liam McWho?) and Bob Roll?  One knows nothing about the sport, and the other thinks he knows everything.  Then consider that Roll and fellow commentator, the dementia-laden Phil Liggett, are both so infatuated with Lance Armstrong, that they cannot bring themselves to discuss anything that might be perceived as negative about him.  In light of the announcement yesterday of some of USADA's witnesses against Lance to include George Hincapie, Christian VandeVelde, David Zabriskie and Levi Leipheimer - what any normal cycling news person would consider to be 4 very significant nails in Armstrong's coffin - the NBC crew spoke on the issue for a grand total of 30 seconds and then immediately cut to slow-motion crash footage of the previous days....over and over and over and over and over....and in such fashion has become the gonzo journalistic source for cycling in America.  Of course Team RadioShack Nissan Trek is advertising heavily on NBC sports for something called the Nissan Ultimate Access competition - so they probably have an agreement with NBC that no more than 30 seconds a day can be dedicated to negative news about Armstrong or Bruyneel.  I wonder if the clause says something like "If excessive bad news is released regarding Armstrong and doping, distract the viewer with more crashes - maybe they won't notice." (The old "monkey likes shiny" trick).  And speaking of crashes, and in specific regard to NBC's 'man on the street interviews', how many different answers do you expect to the question, "How did you avoid the crashes today?"  Yet they keep asking anyone they can shove a microphone in front of (Tyler Farrar excluded.)  Just once I would like Greipel or Goss to answer, "Dude - we were going 45 MPH - how the fuck should I know??  I closed my eyes and gripped the handlebars and somehow came out on the other side!"

Storm System 3:  Peta Todd (girlfriend of World Champion and sprinter Mark Cavendish) has become the new directeur for Team Sky.  She sends out a single Tweet (which she subsequently removed) suggesting Team Sky is not protecting her Man Missile enough, and during Stage 5, they lay down a lead out train for him unprecedented in this year's tour.  Team directeurs were later quoted as saying, "We thought Peta had a good point.....actually maybe two."

Storm System 4:  Peter Sagan.  Not only does he acquire the nickname "The Velvet Samurai" but he also channels Forrest Gump:

But all the crashes have made him a little jumpy, so today he is sporting a bell on his bike to let the peloton know where he is at all times.

Storm System 5: Tyler Farrar.  The poor kid is literally wiping the road with his body all the way to Paris.  So frustrated was he with his crash yesterday, that the bloodied Garmin sprinter charged directly onto the Argos Team bus after he rolled over the finish line to have words with Tom Veelers, even though, as far as I could tell, Veelers had absolutely nothing to do with Farrar going down.  And the whole charging scene was fairly reminiscent of a friend of mine who always thought it would be cool to almost be in a bar fight, so would tell me, "Dude - I'm gonna go get in that guy's face - make sure to hold me back." 

Tyler is probably way too nice of a guy to actually kick anyone's ass anyway.

So what can we learn from the movie The Perfect Storm that might apply here?  Many possible lessons, honestly. 

#1) Lance kind of reminds me of George Clooney's character, who, let's be honest, was far too good looking and well-spoken to be a North Atlantic tuna fisherman, and learned that even those attributes couldn't keep his ship from sinking in the end.  Also - if you keep enough stinking fish in the ship's hold, sooner or later, you're going to start smelling as well.

#2) If watching weather patterns (or bad Tour coverage) on the radar makes you an ass munch weatherman, maybe you should stop watching and go outside more.

#3) Kind of like how the movie really has no use for the attractiveness of Diane Lane, just throwing some booby pictures up cannot salvage a mediocre blog (sorry Peta).

Virtual Stupidity: Crossing the Boundary into the Surreal

While channel surfing this weekend, I stumbled upon the movie "Saving Private Ryan."  This is a movie that I can pick up on at pretty much any point at any time and just start watching.  I think it drives the GEEC crazy when I do this - but there it is nonetheless.  At any rate, the part that I came in on was where the platoon led by Tom Hank's character (Captain Miller) finally engages Ryan's squadron which has been charged with defending a bridge deep in enemy territory.  After telling Ryan that he is being discharged from the army and sent back home, Ryan says that he refuses to leave his post.  Hanks is flummoxed by this and confides in his Sargent saying,


"We have crossed over some strange boundary here.  The world has taken a turn for the surreal."


This is pretty much exactly how I feel regarding some of the recent cycling news:


First came this message across twitter from Mathew McConaughey:

Stop the investigation of the USADA into @LanceArmstrong. Please sign and retweet say.ly/Oss3yBl
— Matthew McConaughey (@McConaughey) June 16, 2012

Following the link in the tweet leads you to a site titled "Stop the investigation of the USADA into Lance Armstrong" which is an online petition aimed at collecting 25,000 virtual signatures by July 13th to hopefully encourage the Obama administration to intervene.  So let me get this straight.  LA's defense has now devolved to the point of deploying a full "Bro-shield" from a guy whose new movie is about male strippers?

Mathew McConaughey appearing soon in a theatre near you in the feature film "Magic Mike"....released under the title of "Crocodile Dundee part IV" in France.

Wow.  Good luck with that.

And on to something equally as ludicrous has to be the story of the family of a cyclist who was killed on his bicycle who is now suing Strava.

"Two years ago, William "Kim" Flint was killed on his bicycle as he allegedly tried to beat a Strava speed record.  This morning, his survivors say they plan to file a negligence lawsuit against San Francisco-based Strava, claiming Strava are responsible for ensuring the crowd-sourced routes are safe......Since Flint's death in June 2010, some people believe Strava encourages people to ride recklessly so they can improve their rankings on Strava." 

For starters, I openly admit to being rather anti-Strava.  This is just personal opinion, obviously, but I guess I feel like if you want to race somebody, then go line up next to the person and duke it out on the road, not in the virtual ether.  But that's just me.  Admittedly, I have no experience with Srava, and maybe if I played with it a bit, I'd suddenly be asking myself what I ever did without it.  However, I get my ass kicked by real live cyclists all the time, so why would I want the beating to continue in perpetuity and for every other Strava member to publicly witness?  Is my real-life humiliation not enough?  But I wonder - say for example in the Columbia area - is there a list for the fastest ascents up Easley Hill?  I suspect that if local hard-ass Dan Miller was on Strava, then he'd own the top 20 spots on that list just like this kid I knew in middle school (Mark Hendershot) who laid claim to the top 10 scores on the DonkeyKong arcade game at the local RiteAid.  And truth be told - we all thought Hendershot was one DonkeyKong playing mean-ass mother fucker...but one has to wonder how much more he might have accomplished as a 12 year old if he wasn't always staring in awe at the list of his pixelated initials on that machine.  At any rate, the family suing Strava might as well sue the company that manufactured his bicycle as well, since they no doubt encouraged William to actually ride it outside, thus putting him in danger.....and then they might as well sue the county for building the road which he was killed on as it was clearly enticing people to ride bikes on it.

And speaking of dangerous bicycle encounters, comes the story of the Massachusetts man who was attacked while riding his bicycle by a man swinging a string of sausages! 

Actually, this kind of strategy could come in real handy this coming cross season.

And speaking of swinging phallic meat, comes this photo of the Manx Missile himself, Mark Cavendish, who apparently has decided to finally embrace his inner hipster.

Credit to his main squeeze.

A turn for the surreal, indeed.

Happy Halloween Friday Mail!

Karma's a bitch.  Tuesday, I wrote a little post in which I teased the local all-women's cycling group which calls themselves the PCBC (which has something to do with feline restraint).  That night I rode over to Grindstone to do some "squatchy cross drills" which consist of me lumbering through the woods on bike and grunting and sweating a lot.  As I rounded one corner of a grassy lane, I caught a glimpse of something black moving fast.....like really fast.....right at me.  By the time my brain registered that it was a black Labrador retriever going hell bent for leather after a Jack Russel terrier, it was too late.  The lab slammed herself into my front wheel which resulted in me doing a Half-Joey en-do and landing squarely on my head.  And somewhere, some PCBC women giggled....

Anyway - here's your last reminder about tomorrow's MONSTER BIKE BASH!

As ever, the good people at OffTrack events have put together an amazing event for us all tomorrow - and the weather is supposed to be spectacular.

In other news - I feel remiss in not sending out a congratulations to Mark Cavendish in the announcement that hs is going to be a father.  He and his significant other, 'Page 3' model Ms. Peta Todd, are expecting, as was announced this week.

Says the oft-topless Ms. Todd: "We planned it.  I'm four months gone which means it was conceived in July, during the Tour de France.  It's a Tour baby," she said.  "We haven't found out the sex yet but we will.  I think it's a boy because I've already had a boy, but Mark thinks it's a girl.  Athletes often conceive girls during the racing season as their testosterone levels are low."

Hold on a tick.  A "Tour baby"?  That makes it sounds like this is a regular thing, which I guess makes sense.  I mean - the Tour is three weeks long, afterall.....unless you are a sprinter - in which case the Tour is typically only a couple days long.  But hang on - Cavs actually finished the race this year (barely)....and he even won the green jersey signifying that he was the fastest (unfortunately for Peta).  It certainly is interesting about how most babies conceived during race season are girls due to cyclists' lower testosterone levels.  I guess if Peta gives birth to twin boys, we'll know he had a couple of T-patches on his scrote to help him get over the Alps.  But at least the twins will be well-fed!

And with that - on to a couple of letters!

---

Dear PooBah,

Have you heard of the Iceman Cometh Challenge bike race on November 5th in Michigan?  I'm sure you've seen who their new sponsor is - right?  Here's a hint!

Paul T.

Traverse City, MI

Hey Paul!  Yup - none other than Bell's Brewery....elixir of the Gods!  But I also hear the REAL "Iceman" is going to make a guest appearance.  He's already working on developing an all-natural method of insulating himself from the frigidly brutal cold temperatures that are anticipated.

---

Dear PooBah,

I'm really worried about my girlfriend.  She spends every moment she's not at work on her bicycle.  I hardly even ever see her!  The other night it was pouring rain outside, so I thought we'd finally be able to go out together - but she said she needed to spend the evening "working on her bikes."  The next day I snuck into her appartment and this is what I found!

What am I supposed to do now?

Meredith G.

Reston, VA

Meredith-

Calm down.  Everything is going to be OK.  At least you didn't have to walk in on her bike lounging in her bed completely naked - right?  Anyway - try to accept that you are not the only lady in your lover's life....embrace the fact.  Maybe even buy your significant other a T-shirt to celebrate it....I have a suggestion.

---

Dear PooBah,

How do you like my T-shirt???

HA!

Anonymous

Hey!  Your name isn't Jackie Chan, is it?

---

Dear PooBah,

I really liked your blog post about the PCBC group this past Tuesday, and I support them completely.  I hope all the ladies enjoy Halloween....and in case none of them have ideas for decent costumes - here are a couple they may find useful.

Thanks!

Richard F.

People!  Let it go already!  I mean it!

---

Dear PooBah,

As a woman, I find bib-shorts to be entirely uncomfortable to wear.  I really prefer riding in just regular shorts.  However, they never stay where I want them to and ride down too much - and I feel as though I have to constantly pull them up. But I have stumbled upon a little trick to help maintain the position of non-bib shorts while riding that I wanted to share with your readers.

I hope this will help the ladies out there!

Thanks so much -

Tricia G.

Tricia-

I dig they way you've color coordinated your suspenders and jorts to match the colors of your Peugot fixie.  And thanks so much for the tip.  I have a feeling it will help more guys than girls, somehow - but hey - you never know.

---

Have a great weekend!

Unveiled! The lucrative art of blogging.

After last week's edition of Friday Mail, a comment was left anonymously which I wanted to make sure everyone had a chance to read:

Anonymous said:

It's amazing that you pay all of that money for the usage rights for photographs for professional bicyclists.  That must cost you hundreds of dollars per week.  You are one dedicated blogger, because we all know that you would never simply swipe them off the internet.

Oh Anonymous, really you are too kind.  The hundreds of dollars I spend every week on bringing my readers quality photographs of professional cyclists pales in comparison to the thousands I spend on photographs of scantily clad women on bicycles.  THOSE are the really expensive ones!  I kid, I kid.  Really - any money I spend is worth the sense of satisfaction I feel when I think that perhaps I've brought a smile to your face, or a tear to your eye with one of them.  It's the least I can do, especially when you consider just how lucrative this blog has become.  Why, my only sponsor has never even cut me a check - but I cannot bring myself to take down their link, because I really dig their product!  (It's really helping me fight a scorching case of pubic lice) Do I care?  Not at all - because I am paid in something more than just money, Anonymous.  I am paid in the good will of readers just like you.  So thank you.  My dedication is to you kind sir, or madam.....and to the power to "right click" and "save as".  That said - I do try to give credit to photographers when possible.  But alas, the InterWeb has become a vast and wild sea of imagery, and I am but a wayward  rubber ducky floating upon it who bumps into said photos and collects them.  Often - it's impossible to know their site of true origin, but I love and share them nonetheless.  And when I do know from whence they have come, will continue to give credit where credit is due.

And having said all that, here are some photos that damn near bankrupted me, so I hope you enjoy them!  Firstly, today is a huge day of unveiling!  You may think I'm referring to the revealing of the 2012 Tour de France route that occured today in Paris, but no - I'm speaking of Justin Bieber releasing his new Christmas single titled "Mistletoe" today!  Can you believe it?  Christmas is only 9 short weeks away?  How dare he make us wait so long.

I want to Belieb I didn't pay anything for this photo.

But what about all that Tour de France nonsense?  Yeah - that happened today as well.  The ASO busted out the red carpet and the cycling elite were all in attendance and absolutely riveted by the presentation.

Spaniards Sammy Sanchez and Bertie were busy fingerbanging themselves in the mouth while some other shleprock studied the insides of his eyelids (link). 

Meanwhile, no one in the second row could hear a god-damned thing because of some irritating nibbling sound that was echoing throughout the hall.

The entire front row finally got up and moved after Tommy Voekler spit his chewed off thumbnail on to the back of Thor Hushovd's neck.  Cavendouche tried to throw a rainbow-flavored stink-eye his way, but Voekler just thought he was practicing how to look more French in honor of the occasion and never noticed.  And some poor dude in the third row tickled his own frontal cortex with his index finger digging for a maillot nugget. (link).

Norwegian cyclist Edvald Boasson Hagen (aka Eddie Bo-Hog) couldn't attend the festivities in Paris as he was busy in Norway throwing axes, building Legos and "hitting the nail"?

I'm really not sure if "hitting the nail" is some kind of Norwegian euphemism, but thankfully the article spared us from any such visualization of Eddie playing Legos or "hitting his nail" and just showed him chucking a rather menacing axe.

Those Norwegians know how to kick up their heels.

And in case anyone is keeping track, the cost of using the photos to generate this post was $413.23 which is surprisingly less than what I budgeted for because Bieber's people actually paid me to show that photo.  Don't say I never did anything for you, Anonymous!

Cavendish, earning his stripes, and his new nickname.

Well, I have to give credit where credit is due, no matter how long the forthcoming year is going to be watching (and listening to) Mark Cavendish, the boy racer from the Isle of Man, who will now wear the rainbow stripes after winning the world championships yesterday.

And certainly an equal amount of credit must go to the entire Team Britian squad who made it their mission to win this World Championship years ago when they saw the layout would favor the sprinters.  And the sprinters, they did come: Hushovd, Boasson Hagen, Farrar, Cancellara, Greipel, Goss.....none could best Cavs, even when it looked like he was boxed in.  Defending champion Thor could do nothing as he got tangled up behind a crash and never even got to fight for the sprint finish, but rather was left to cry a single solitary rainbow tear over his Oakley Jawbones.

And speaking of Team Britian, the boys really turned themselves inside out for Cavs.  However today, the day after a very long night of celebration to be sure....it seems that Team Britain is seeing their insides turned out once again, according to Twitter..

And speaking of Twitter, back on July 4th, after Tyler Farrar took the sprint stage victory in the Tour de France, Bob Roll made the statement that "Sprinters are the honey badgers of the peloton" on his own Twitter feed.....an obvious nod to the fierceness and tenacity of the animal, but also perhaps to the original "Badger", Bernard Hinault:

As there can only be one "Badger" and Hinault will forever embody this moniker, I think Roll may have unintentionally stumbled upon something else regarding the interlacing of personas, more specifically of the fearless sub-species of Honey Badger and sprinters - and even more specifically our new World Champion sprinter, Mark Cavendish.  Other nicknames just haven't stuck for Cavendish....'Cavs', "Boy Racer', 'The Manx Missile,'....even our own attempt with 'Cavendouche.'   Such names have fallen from him like water droplets rolling off freshly shaven legs slathered with embrocation on a cold misty morning.  But "Honey Badger"?  Yeah - I'm feeling it....

"Honey Badger is pretty bad ass...." and so are you Cavs....congrats.

Adult Males, Vibrations and Douchebags, Oh My!!!

While perusing the COMO/Jeff City Craigslist last night for some bike parts for a friend, I stumbled upon this post under the "Wanted" section:

"Looking for an adult male bicycle."

Although it may surprise some, I've suspected for years that many cyclists ascribe a particular gender to their bikes, much like they do to their cars, or boats.  My own road bike actually started out as a woman, but then went through a sex change sometime last year.  No longer sleek and sexy, he has become creaky and groans a lot like an old man that gets up 3 times every night to take a leak.    What can I say - we walk the same path.  But feeling helpful, I've actually gone in search of an adult male bicycle for the craigslist poster above and hopefully have come up with something he may find of use.

I would contend that a bicycle cannot get any more adult and male than being a sperm bike.

Yes, travel with me dear reader to Copenhagen, where the sperm bike (translated in Danish to "Sperm Bullit") is the preferred way of transporting "deposits" made at Capenhagen's Nordisk Cryobank.  Fully loaded, the bike weighs 50kg (about 23 lbs).  That's a lot of deposits.

When not in use for transporting sperm, the liquid nitrogen tank can also cool your beer in less than 2 seconds. 

In other news, you may wonder what everyone's favorite boy racer Mark "the Manx Missile" Cavendouche is doing in this recently uncovered photograph which captures him in semi-crouched position, with an intent look on his face:

And if you said that he was practicing his sprint-shit posture before the world championships, you would only be partially correct.  In actuality, he is testing out a vibration plate called the Galileo Vibraflex, that provides whole body vibration which, according to the plate's manufacturer, can be "used in strength training, stretching and recovery."  No telling how long the Doucher actually had to stand on the plate to get his money - but I'm guessing just long enough for the company rep to snap the photo.  NYC Velocity reporter Andy Shen gives the lowdown on the machine and provides a video of that same squat-shit positioning of a cyclist on the trainer:

Curious, I checked out the manufacturer's website, "Amplitude Vibration Studio" and found some other photos of how this little number can be used....

There's the Single Leg Lunge:

The Back Stretch

And my personal favorite, The Bridge.

Wisely, the folks in charge of marketing did not post photos of Cavendouche performing the Bridge on their website.

And in final news today, we get to start playing the new guessing game, "Where will Jensie go?"  With the newly formed Cougar-Shack squad only having room for 30 cyclists, financial backer Flavio Becca has gone on record:

"Becca made it clear that the new team would consist largely of current Leopard riders.  He indicated that of the 25 riders now on the team, the five whose contracts expire at the end of the year would leave......Those five riders are Jens Voigt, Martin Pedersen, Bruno Pires, Thomas Rohregger and Stuart O'Grady.  The latter has already announced that he will ride for the new GreenEdge team next year."

Wow, Bruyneel and Becca have got to be even more stupid than what I originally gave them credit for.  They are going to let go of one of the most loyal teammates to the FrAndy twins and arguably the most popular and hard-working cyclist in the pro peloton?

"Pssst, Andy.....watch while I lift left cheek and float air-biscuit onto Mercedes Benz representative sitting behind me.  Heheh - he will not be amused, eh?"

I have a feeling this ass-clown hasn't even realized his full potential yet.  And with the combined power of the Hog, this duo could be merging itself into the perfect storm of douchebaggery for next year.

Valentine's Day comes early!

Walking to work today, I nearly stepped in a large pile of feces of unknown origin that was lying in the middle of the sidewalk.  I'm guessing that it came from a dog, but one can never be really sure when one lives in a University town.  If it was of canine origin, I can't say that I blame the dog for dropping a deuce in the middle of the sidewalk considering all the frozen snow that is covering the grass.  I, for one, had to actually shovel a "shit-trench" for the COMO CYCO dog in my front yard because without it, every time he would hunker up to pinch off a loaf, the cold snow would hit him in the winky and he would pucker back up and end up not going at all.  Thus, over the course of last week's Snowpocalypse, he became packed like a musket.  Anway - back to me and the turd I encountered this morning.  As I dodged the pile, something about it caught my eye.  It had already been stepped on judging by its squished appearance, and thus is probably giving somebody's office a lovely aroma right about now.  But the way it had been stepped on gave it a certain shape and form that was recognizable.  I walked around the other side of the flattened turd and immediately identified the shape.

A frozen, heart-shaped turd.

In some cosmic sense, it seems that life was trying to give me an early Valentine's Day present this morning.  And it struck me then that whereas some say every cloud has a silver lining, so too is every piece of shit moldable into a shape that may give it some redeeming quality.  That is, unless you are a CERA-doping, pregnant fiance-dumping, Aldo Sassi betraying, sour-blood-infusing, reptilian-nick-naming cyclist like Riccardo Ricco.  Especially in the eyes of Mark Cavendish who has some very pointed words for Mr. Ricco today in response to the most recent allegations:

In a cyclingnews video interview, Cavendish says of Riccardo Ricco, "I hope he does recover well, but I really hope he becomes someone's bitch in prison."

Well if he does become someone's "prison bitch" let's hope he learns how to use the mini-fridge in their cell a lot better than what he did at home, or Ricco and Tyrone are going to be drinking some pretty chunky milk.

Interestingly, I noticed that MSNBC was running the Ricco story on their front page yesterday.  It seems that professional cycling has finally made mainstream news through stories of doping only.  That's not exactly a glowing endorsement for the sport we love.  But as stinky as some shit can be, regardless of its heart-shaped form, others more local are finding the sweet, sweet smell in their bicycles.  Take this post I found in craigslist this morning:  (By the way - that's what is called a smooth segue folks....)

 "Bike is in excellent condition, tires still smell brand new."

Is there anything as aromatic as the smell of new bicycle tires?  I imagine the workers in the Vittoria factory walk around in a near-orgasmic state all day, enjoying the smell of their hard labor.

OK - maybe not.  By the way - did you know Vittoria tires are actually made in Bangkok?  So much for my impression that each Vittoria was hand-made by some ancient Italian man named Vincenzo....still, I wonder if this Thai gentlemen wears that protective mask to prevent from getting sexually aroused?

And while we're on the topic of craigslist postings and being sexually aroused, I thought I should help a young woman out who was left stranded at the Blue Fugue a couple weeks ago by a ginger-cyclist.

"At the Blue Fugue on Saturday night....had a few friends tell me you were checking me out, but I doubt it.  But I wanted to say (you, redhead, kinda tall) you are very hot and I found myself wanting to talk to you but couldn't muster up the guts, so I waited for you to talk to me.  I am shy.  I saw you ride away on your bike and was a little sad.  If you felt a "connection," tell me what I was wearing and if you found me at all attractive.  I normally don't do this kind of thing, so even if you never read this....I enjoyed looking at you throughout the night. :)"

I just have to say that if you are a red-headed male cyclist in this town, and you are reading this, you need to hit this girl up!  I mean seriously - how many chances are you going to get?  1) You are a redhead.  2) You ride a bike!  The combined impact of these two elements has got you pretty low on the social pecking order.  Even if you weren't at the Blue Fugue that night, she was probably too drunk to remember exactly what you look like anyway - so go for it!  (And let me know how it turns out, please).

I'm beginning to feel all cupid-like suddenly, both with my aforementioned Valentine-turd and by posting this bike-related missed connection here, so I thought I would post another one I found, although it's not bike-related.

"I saw you downtown and was stricken by your hulking beauty - you had both arms fully extended from your nikon cargo vest and in your hands was a camera that you were motordriving at full speed at any and all passersby.  I thought about calling the cops until I saw the chipotle burrito you were clutching....we're clearly soulmates.  Was that another burrito in your pants or did you feel it too?"

Yes indeed, the smell of fresh tires is in the air, and pants-burritos are being clutched.  Everyone must be sensing the warm weather that is just around the corner.  With temps projected to be in the 40's and 50's this weekend, it is seriously making me consider buying this to cruise about town in:

"This one-of-a-kind vehicle seats up to five people and can be pedaled by one or two in front.....It was also photographed with my family in a 2004 issue of People Magazine!"

It is sad to see the famous St. Louis Rickshaw go out of business, but seriously, how many opportunities will I have to buy a bike (or bike-like-thing) that was featured in People Magazine...and for a cool 2 Gs as well?  I would look so good sitting in the back of this thing while the COMO GEEC pedaled me around.  Just thinking about it makes me want to sniff a tire and clutch my burrito.