The British (Olympics) are coming! Quit idling your bones!

Talk about low-hanging fruit.  This is almost too easy.  What can one say really?  The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree?  Like mother like daughter?  Don't worry, Mark - at least when your daughter's mother lifts up her dress, she does so while contemplating troubling geopolitical issues...Take this interview Peta Todd did for Loaded Magazine in which her dress has most definitely been lifted, but which doesn't stop her from thinking deep thoughts...

I sleep better at night knowing that while Peta Todd is showing her ass, she is also worried about the goings on in Pyongyang.  It's certainly more than what I am capable of when I am showing my ass, which usually occurs when the GEEC is eating her breakfast in the morning before work and I saunter out of the shower and drop my towel, turn around and say "Hey honey, did you see that beautiful full moon this morning?"  But as we've recently learned from Bradley Wiggins, Brits truly have their own unique vocabulary.  For example, in America, we use the term "couch potatoes" to describe the slothful, but in England, they are called "bone-idle wankers" as Wiggins instructed us not long ago.  However, it seems to me that the terms "wanker" and the state of being "bone-idle" seem to be contradictory (because if you are of the male persuasion, your 'bone' is anything but idle if you are......anyway - you get the picture.)  But what do I know - I'm just a "Yank" (which coincidentally enough, is a synonym of "wank" isn't it?)  At any rate - in specific reference to Peta and Mark and their concerns over the newly demonstrated exhibitionist tendencies of their daughter, the term "ass" when referencing one's posterior, isn't really even used in England as far as I can tell.  It's called an "arse" or "bum," I believe. 

And the discussion of "bums" brings me to what I really wanted to talk about today.  Not English "bums" but the good old-fashioned American version.  As you know, a little sports competition is set to begin this weekend in London called the Olympics, and there will be a handful of men and women riding their bikes in it.  On Saturday and Sunday are the men's and women's road races, respectively, and on Wednesday is the time trial.  I was curious to see who was going to be representin' (which is an American term) for the various countries, so I checked out this website showing the London Olympic 2012 cyclist's profiles complete with pictures used on their official ID badges. 

I was struck by how much the photos resemble mug-shots and look like a cavalcade of the homeless and incarcerated.  For your viewing pleasure, I bring you my favorites with some fictional charges they may have been brought in for. 

Sylvain Chavenel:

Heavily intoxicated,  he was arrested Monday morning at 3:30 AM in a Paris disco for asking a waitress to "rub his sore joint".

Taylor Phinney:

Brought in for questioning early yesterday regarding the theft of three extra boxes of condoms from the Olympic dispensary.  Upon questioning, Phinney stated, "You can never have too many spares...I live in fear of a puncture when I'm riding."

Frank Schleck:

Arrested last week for disorderly conduct when he was caught urinating through the open sunroof of a Nissan Altima owned by one Johan Bruyneel.  When questioned, he said, "I just suddenly had to go pee-pee very, very badly...."

Jakob Fuglsang:

Charged in Austria with indecent exposure when he tried to get a female pedestrian to fondle his "prized bratwurst" won during the recent Tour of Austria.

Fabian Cancellara:

Interrogated last week for allegedly dispensing diuretics without a license.

Cadel Evans:

Confused and disoriented, he was arrested late last Sunday evening for disorderly conduct when he was discovered staggering down the middle of the Champs-Elysees wearing a 2011 maillot jaune and no pants, saying he was looking for his lost stuffed lion plushie.

Branislau Samoilau:

Questioned Tuesday evening in London for the theft of Jonathan Vaughter's favorite argyle cardigan.

Peter Sagan:

Arrested for lewd conduct Wednesday morning in the outskirts of London during a training ride because passers by complained he had a cucumber stuffed down the front of his chamois shorts.  Upon further questioning, the accused, who is also known as "The Velvet Samurai," explained that he was just practicing his new victory salute for when he wins the Olympic road race.  An ensuing search was unable to identify any vegetable in his pants, however.  Charges were dropped. Bonsai.

Chris Horner:

Arrested for indecency when he was caught in public kissing the exposed derriere of an adult male wearing a Texas Longhorn's jersey with a giant yellow number '7' printed on it.

Timmy Duggan:

Found guilty of total bad-assery. Go get 'em Timmy!

2012 Tour de France: The Best and Worst

For the two or three of you that actually read this blog, you may have noticed that I didn't post anything last week.  That is because the GEEC and I decided to skip town with the COMO CYCO dog in pursuit of cooler climates which were happily discovered far, far away at a much, much higher altitude thankfully.  But what we gained in more pleasurable weather and scenery, we lost in Tour de France viewing, unfortunately.  So today I'm left trying to pick up the scraps of everything that went down in the past week.  Perhaps you missed a thing or two as well.  Just in case, let's catch up with some of the best and worst moments of the last week of the 2012 Tour!

Biggest prick in the 2012 Tour de France peloton?

That would have to go to the Stage 17 fan on the climb to Peyragudes....(credit)

Egoi Martinez was amused....passenger on AG2R motorbike - not so much.  But the man in the hat and little else prompted hashtags ranging from #dongstrong to #ricardo montaldong on Twitter.

Most aggressive former cyclist in the 2012 Tour de France?

Easy - Bernard Hinault on the final podium in Paris - chucking a trespassing hipster off stage and into the front row!  The Badger still has it!

Most unsurprising Tweet sent by a cycling spouse during the Tour?

Mark Cavendish's frequently half-naked girl informing the world she forgot her knickers.....shocker.

Biggest cycling news distraction from the 2012 Tour?

Lance Armstrong using Livestrong money and personnel to lobby against USADA who is currently charging him with doping.  Livestrong's purpose is supposed to be to raise cancer awareness isn't it?

"If I hold my thumb like zis, and speak wiz a German accent, I look a leetle bit like Hitler, ya?"

2012 Tour Team which invokes the most love-hate feelings?

RadioShack Nissan Trek...

Love: Jakob Fuglsang.

Despite not being paid by his team, then being removed from the Tour roster and any other UCI World Tour competitions by bossman "Hog" Bruyneel, Jakob still goes ahead and wins every other race he enters this summer...(incluing the Tour of Austria and a giant sausage) while the man who attempted to shackle him awaits formal doping charges.  Suck on that salami, Hog.

Hate: Chris Horner

(credit)

Way to cover what was supposed to be George Hincapie's solo ceremonial break-away and then awkwardly suck his wheel 100 meters in front of the peloton on the Champs Elysees, stealing his glory for riding in the most Tours de France of any cyclist, you ass-munch. 

Cyclist who breathed the freshest air into the 2012 Tour?

Sagan, of course.  Not content with three stage wins and invoking the likes of Forrest Gump, a chicken and the Hulk during his victory salutes, Sagan attempts to steal more hearts by boob-raping female fans with magic markers.

Most insensitive photo posted on Twitter during the 2012 Tour ?

Richie Porte of Team Sky, crashed out on the couch in his tighty blackies and teddy the day after the Tour.....photo taken and posted by his girl Tiffany.....very not cool.

T-shirt with the least-veiled double meaning worn by a significant other during the Tour?

Christian Knees' girlfriend's shirt reading: "I heart CK."

Worst execution of a stoic game face in a period of great suffering during the 2012 Tour?

This one is a tie between SaxoBank's Chris Anker Sorensen literally every single day....

....and Bradley Wiggins' expression while on the podium in Paris during the singing of his National Anthem by Lesley Garret:

I'm giving this one to Wiggins because, as painful as that performance of God Save the Queen was, Anker Sorensen actually shaved two of his fingers down to bone when he reached his hand into his own moving spokes to retrieve some stuck paper, yet still finished the tour as "Most Aggressive Rider" while Wiggins only contemplated shaving his ears off in spokes during the performance of his national anthem.

What was your favorite Tour moment?  Discuss!

Tour de France week 1 recap: The Perfect Storm

Do you remember the scene from the movie  The Perfect Storm where the ass-munch weather man nearly creams his jeans as he considers the rarity of the meteorological event that is unfolding on the Doppler radar before his eyes?

(The best acting in the entire scene actually came from The Count plushie)

Well this week, it is I who is the ass-munch weatherman, only I'm watching the Tour de France, which has become an equivalent perfect collision of calamitous events resulting in an epic wake of destruction.  Like various and severe weather systems intersecting, so too have the different story lines in cycling news woven together to form a veritable cesspool that is not necessarily fun to watch, but impossible to turn away from:

Oh jeeze...

Storm System 1:  USADA's timing.  Travis Tygart will certainly never be accused of being overly discrete.  I suppose when you want to make an example of someone, picking the biggest stage possible is definitely one way to go.  But the least he could do is give Vaughters a friendly "heads up" that witness names were about to be named.  I mean, the usually well-coiffed directeur was particularly disheveled when the news broke and didn't even have a chance to put a fine point on his sideburns before talking with the press yesterday!

Storm System 2:  The entirety of the commentating crew of NBC's Sport's Channel covering the Tour.  Could there be a more insipid or banal pairing than Liam McHugh (Liam McWho?) and Bob Roll?  One knows nothing about the sport, and the other thinks he knows everything.  Then consider that Roll and fellow commentator, the dementia-laden Phil Liggett, are both so infatuated with Lance Armstrong, that they cannot bring themselves to discuss anything that might be perceived as negative about him.  In light of the announcement yesterday of some of USADA's witnesses against Lance to include George Hincapie, Christian VandeVelde, David Zabriskie and Levi Leipheimer - what any normal cycling news person would consider to be 4 very significant nails in Armstrong's coffin - the NBC crew spoke on the issue for a grand total of 30 seconds and then immediately cut to slow-motion crash footage of the previous days....over and over and over and over and over....and in such fashion has become the gonzo journalistic source for cycling in America.  Of course Team RadioShack Nissan Trek is advertising heavily on NBC sports for something called the Nissan Ultimate Access competition - so they probably have an agreement with NBC that no more than 30 seconds a day can be dedicated to negative news about Armstrong or Bruyneel.  I wonder if the clause says something like "If excessive bad news is released regarding Armstrong and doping, distract the viewer with more crashes - maybe they won't notice." (The old "monkey likes shiny" trick).  And speaking of crashes, and in specific regard to NBC's 'man on the street interviews', how many different answers do you expect to the question, "How did you avoid the crashes today?"  Yet they keep asking anyone they can shove a microphone in front of (Tyler Farrar excluded.)  Just once I would like Greipel or Goss to answer, "Dude - we were going 45 MPH - how the fuck should I know??  I closed my eyes and gripped the handlebars and somehow came out on the other side!"

Storm System 3:  Peta Todd (girlfriend of World Champion and sprinter Mark Cavendish) has become the new directeur for Team Sky.  She sends out a single Tweet (which she subsequently removed) suggesting Team Sky is not protecting her Man Missile enough, and during Stage 5, they lay down a lead out train for him unprecedented in this year's tour.  Team directeurs were later quoted as saying, "We thought Peta had a good point.....actually maybe two."

Storm System 4:  Peter Sagan.  Not only does he acquire the nickname "The Velvet Samurai" but he also channels Forrest Gump:

But all the crashes have made him a little jumpy, so today he is sporting a bell on his bike to let the peloton know where he is at all times.

Storm System 5: Tyler Farrar.  The poor kid is literally wiping the road with his body all the way to Paris.  So frustrated was he with his crash yesterday, that the bloodied Garmin sprinter charged directly onto the Argos Team bus after he rolled over the finish line to have words with Tom Veelers, even though, as far as I could tell, Veelers had absolutely nothing to do with Farrar going down.  And the whole charging scene was fairly reminiscent of a friend of mine who always thought it would be cool to almost be in a bar fight, so would tell me, "Dude - I'm gonna go get in that guy's face - make sure to hold me back." 

Tyler is probably way too nice of a guy to actually kick anyone's ass anyway.

So what can we learn from the movie The Perfect Storm that might apply here?  Many possible lessons, honestly. 

#1) Lance kind of reminds me of George Clooney's character, who, let's be honest, was far too good looking and well-spoken to be a North Atlantic tuna fisherman, and learned that even those attributes couldn't keep his ship from sinking in the end.  Also - if you keep enough stinking fish in the ship's hold, sooner or later, you're going to start smelling as well.

#2) If watching weather patterns (or bad Tour coverage) on the radar makes you an ass munch weatherman, maybe you should stop watching and go outside more.

#3) Kind of like how the movie really has no use for the attractiveness of Diane Lane, just throwing some booby pictures up cannot salvage a mediocre blog (sorry Peta).

Happy Halloween Friday Mail!

Karma's a bitch.  Tuesday, I wrote a little post in which I teased the local all-women's cycling group which calls themselves the PCBC (which has something to do with feline restraint).  That night I rode over to Grindstone to do some "squatchy cross drills" which consist of me lumbering through the woods on bike and grunting and sweating a lot.  As I rounded one corner of a grassy lane, I caught a glimpse of something black moving fast.....like really fast.....right at me.  By the time my brain registered that it was a black Labrador retriever going hell bent for leather after a Jack Russel terrier, it was too late.  The lab slammed herself into my front wheel which resulted in me doing a Half-Joey en-do and landing squarely on my head.  And somewhere, some PCBC women giggled....

Anyway - here's your last reminder about tomorrow's MONSTER BIKE BASH!

As ever, the good people at OffTrack events have put together an amazing event for us all tomorrow - and the weather is supposed to be spectacular.

In other news - I feel remiss in not sending out a congratulations to Mark Cavendish in the announcement that hs is going to be a father.  He and his significant other, 'Page 3' model Ms. Peta Todd, are expecting, as was announced this week.

Says the oft-topless Ms. Todd: "We planned it.  I'm four months gone which means it was conceived in July, during the Tour de France.  It's a Tour baby," she said.  "We haven't found out the sex yet but we will.  I think it's a boy because I've already had a boy, but Mark thinks it's a girl.  Athletes often conceive girls during the racing season as their testosterone levels are low."

Hold on a tick.  A "Tour baby"?  That makes it sounds like this is a regular thing, which I guess makes sense.  I mean - the Tour is three weeks long, afterall.....unless you are a sprinter - in which case the Tour is typically only a couple days long.  But hang on - Cavs actually finished the race this year (barely)....and he even won the green jersey signifying that he was the fastest (unfortunately for Peta).  It certainly is interesting about how most babies conceived during race season are girls due to cyclists' lower testosterone levels.  I guess if Peta gives birth to twin boys, we'll know he had a couple of T-patches on his scrote to help him get over the Alps.  But at least the twins will be well-fed!

And with that - on to a couple of letters!

---

Dear PooBah,

Have you heard of the Iceman Cometh Challenge bike race on November 5th in Michigan?  I'm sure you've seen who their new sponsor is - right?  Here's a hint!

Paul T.

Traverse City, MI

Hey Paul!  Yup - none other than Bell's Brewery....elixir of the Gods!  But I also hear the REAL "Iceman" is going to make a guest appearance.  He's already working on developing an all-natural method of insulating himself from the frigidly brutal cold temperatures that are anticipated.

---

Dear PooBah,

I'm really worried about my girlfriend.  She spends every moment she's not at work on her bicycle.  I hardly even ever see her!  The other night it was pouring rain outside, so I thought we'd finally be able to go out together - but she said she needed to spend the evening "working on her bikes."  The next day I snuck into her appartment and this is what I found!

What am I supposed to do now?

Meredith G.

Reston, VA

Meredith-

Calm down.  Everything is going to be OK.  At least you didn't have to walk in on her bike lounging in her bed completely naked - right?  Anyway - try to accept that you are not the only lady in your lover's life....embrace the fact.  Maybe even buy your significant other a T-shirt to celebrate it....I have a suggestion.

---

Dear PooBah,

How do you like my T-shirt???

HA!

Anonymous

Hey!  Your name isn't Jackie Chan, is it?

---

Dear PooBah,

I really liked your blog post about the PCBC group this past Tuesday, and I support them completely.  I hope all the ladies enjoy Halloween....and in case none of them have ideas for decent costumes - here are a couple they may find useful.

Thanks!

Richard F.

People!  Let it go already!  I mean it!

---

Dear PooBah,

As a woman, I find bib-shorts to be entirely uncomfortable to wear.  I really prefer riding in just regular shorts.  However, they never stay where I want them to and ride down too much - and I feel as though I have to constantly pull them up. But I have stumbled upon a little trick to help maintain the position of non-bib shorts while riding that I wanted to share with your readers.

I hope this will help the ladies out there!

Thanks so much -

Tricia G.

Tricia-

I dig they way you've color coordinated your suspenders and jorts to match the colors of your Peugot fixie.  And thanks so much for the tip.  I have a feeling it will help more guys than girls, somehow - but hey - you never know.

---

Have a great weekend!

Biting, Boobs and "The Beazed"

I read with great interest in cyclingnews this morning that Fabian Cancellara was finally awarded his 2008 Silver Olympic medal at a special ceremony recently.  If you remember, Fabian originally won the Bronze in the 2008 Olympic road race and Davide Rebellin took Silver.  But that was before Rebellin tested positive for EPO/CERA and had to give his medal back.  Cancellara was reportedly most happy because the medal he was given was the exact same one that was taken away from Rebellin.

"It’s the original medal that was given to Rebellin. It has some marks on it so I can tell it was his."

Although the article doesn't specify, I'm guessing that upon closer inspection, the marks left in Rebellin's medal were actually teeth marks from him striking the ever popular "biting the medal" pose after the ceremony.

(A picture of not David Rebellin not actually biting the medal)

And much like the teeth marks left on a pencil found in the glove compartment of Jon Voight's car in Seinfeld, so too could these marks be matched back to Rebellin's dental arcade to validate the origin of the medal should Cancellara ever want to pawn it.  That said, one cannot discount the fact that the teeth marks may not have been made by Rebellin himself, but rather are those of an adoring fan.  Of course, I'm not sure how cycling compares to other sports in spectator popularity in Italy. But here in the states, fans are apparently willing to bite the medals right off American Olympic snowboarders, for example - even the lowly Bronze medal.  Case in point: Proud U.S. Olympic snowboarder Scotty Lago wearing his Bronze medal in his groinal region and having it nibbled upon thusly:

(DO NOT try this at home.  Scotty Lago is a trained professional and has years of experience teabagging women with dangling metal objects.  Further, the woman in the photo is wearing a mouthguard to prevent tooth chipping and is also believed to be very stupid.)

In other news, Mark "The Manx Missile" Cavendouche has found himself a lady friend, according to the UK paper The Sun.

And low and behold, it is The Sun's own "Page 3" girl, Peta Todd.  England, like many other developing nations, realized some time ago that conventional newspapers are a dying form of communication.  Increasing numbers of people are choosing to read news online at work instead of actually working at work, or reading the news in the paper when they get home at night.  Of course newsprint still has a certain demand in society and the day when fishermen start wrapping their haddock in laptops will truly mark the time of a bygone era.  But wrapping fish isn't the only thing that printed paper does better than computers, and the Brits are out to maintain demand for their daily rag by serving up a little softcore in the daily newsprint.  That brings me back to Peta Todd, Cavs new "lady friend".  The Sun's "Page 3" is essentially devoted to topless women.  And it is on Page 3 where more pictures of Peta, (and conveniently pictures of more Peta ) can be found:

(A photo of Ms. Todd, rendered SFW with two strategically placed crying Cavendouches.  You see - if the COMO CYCO was printed on paper and delivered to your home, you could see an uncensored version of the photo in the privacy of your house during dinner....and then wrap your fish up in it.)

And lastly, you've probably heard by now that Floyd Landis recently played an instrumental part in the federal investigation of Michael Ball's Rock Racing by wearing a wiretap during meetings he had with Ball which reportedly revealed a plethora of doping products.  But what you may NOT have heard is that Floyd's one-man crusade to clean up the sport not only includes participation in the fed's investigation, but also training EPO-sniffing dogs which he's teaching to attack on command....


Here we can see him training his dog named "The Beazed" to attack a green ring of some sort.  Of course, dogs see color differently, so to The Beazed, a green ring actually looks something like this:

(By the way, if you find one of these on e-bay with some teethmarks on it, make sure to snag it.  It could be worth a lot more.)